The Onion on The Huffington Post

Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization: The Onion (VIDEO)

2009-12-16T13:27:02Z

Before Facebook, there was Friendster.

Although still going strong in Asia, the site thrived, then lost ground in the US, where it was edged out by MySpace and Facebook.

The Onion pokes fun at the site's boom-and-bust in the video below, where an "Internet archeologist" claims to have discovered the "ruins" of the "'Friendster' civilization."

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Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization

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The Onion: Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series (VIDEO)

2009-12-10T12:20:16Z

On The Onion News Network: Following a trend of cross-generational popular literature such as "Harry Potter" and "Twilight", a children's picture book series featuring "Green Man" have adults going wild for each new installment. Why are the books so popular? Most readers feel they "fill a void left in contemporary literature which tends to favor stodgy tomes with hundreds of pages and almost no pictures."

WATCH:

Adults Go Wild Over Latest In Children's Picture Book Series

DEA Recruits Lil' Wayne To Use Up All The Drugs In Mexico (VIDEO)

2009-12-08T15:45:49Z

The DEA has implemented a bold new initiative against Mexico drug trafficking and it comes in the form of Lil Wayne. According to this report from The Onion, the strategy has been a rousing success. The rapper has "already gotten 40 tons of marijuana, 27,000 kilos of cocaine, and 2,000 kilos of heroine off the streets and into his body." And if you need proof of his success, look no further than the clip of Wayne's hilarious, yet incoherent, ramble.

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Obama Tells Nation He's Going Out For Cigarettes

2009-12-02T17:18:45Z

WASHINGTON: During a nationally televised address Tuesday, a visibly tired and worn President Obama informed the country that he was going out for a pack of cigarettes and would be back in 10 minutes or so.

Read more: The Onion, Barack Obama, Comedy News

Zombie Reagan Brought Back To Life To Lead GOP (VIDEO)

2009-11-30T16:37:48Z

Lacking an effective spokesperson, the GOP has put their faith in the reanimated corpse of Ronald Reagan. According to this video from The Onion, Zombie Reagan is a face that Republicans can trust. "When he moans at them, they're going to listen." As long as he hasn't eaten their ears yet.

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Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

2009-11-16T10:37:02Z

ESCONDIDO, CA -- Spurred by an administration he believes to be guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, is a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

Read more: The Onion, Tea Parties, Comedy News

Alex Remington: Nathan Rabin's "The Big Rewind" Needed a Little Re-Edit

2009-11-12T12:40:39Z

I'm a fan of Nathan Rabin -- really, of all the critics at The Onion AV Club. There's no source I trust more, not because I always agree but because I know exactly where they stand. In 500 words of praise or pan, I can get an exact, nearly unerring sense of whether I'd like something or not.

Nathan Rabin always stood out, even before he wrote his life story, because he's a passionate movie buff -- particularly of campy trash -- and also a passionate hip-hop buff. A former video store clerk, he truly knows his stuff, and he's at his best in those 500-word reviews, insightful, funny, and succinct, with an unceasing supply of one-liners and a knack for a turn of phrase. But as good as he is in those reviews, he's sloppy and unrestrained in his blogs, with ten bad jokes for every good one, leaving a distinct impression that he's at his best with an unforgiving editor and a strict word limit.

Unfortunately, his memoir, The Big Rewind, reads more like his blogs. He's got a compelling story to tell, growing up in a broken home with a multiple-sclerotic father and without the mother who abandoned him, then enduring stays in a mental hospital, group home,
and debauched college co-op in Madison, Wisconsin, where he managed to start writing for the Onion almost by chance. He's admirably emotionally honest, and self-aware enough to admit that his perpetual stream of sarcasm started out as a defense mechanism in his childhood, but he's not able to curb the bad jokes in the midst of his most painful memories. While it may have made it easier to write, it's a lot harder to read. Emotional honesty is a lot harder to take seriously when you constantly undercut it by using the same hoary one-liners and jokes from Mr. Show.

Despite the book's flaws, Rabin's got a great story, a winning personality, and he doesn't pull punches when discussing his own life. Unlike many memoirs which are only fitfully emotionally
honest (like Richard Pryor's Pryor Convictions), Rabin puts it all on the page. Most memoirs are underwritten; his is overwritten. There's a great book inside this good book if can you read around all the bad jokes.

Rating: 67

Crossposted at Remingtonstein.

Onion, Comedy Central Team Up For Sports Satire

2009-11-05T17:17:45Z

NEW YORK — ESPN had better watch its back.

Comedy Central has ordered a pilot from the satirical news magazine The Onion.

The Onion : Our Front Pages Celebrates Years Of Hilarious Headlines

2009-11-03T15:17:35Z

Headlines in the satirical weekly newspaper The Onion tend to function both as punch line and setup, in that order. They are the heart of the paper, and not only the first thing anybody reads, but also, unlike headlines in real newspapers all over the world, the first things to be written.

The Onion: U.S. Continues Quagmire-Building Effort In Afghanistan

2009-10-30T10:57:51Z

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN-- According to sources at the Pentagon, American quagmire-building efforts continued apace in Afghanistan this week, as the geographically rugged, politically unstable region remained ungovernable, death tolls continued to rise, and the grim military campaign persisted as hopelessly as ever.

How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son (VIDEO)

2009-10-27T13:47:12Z

A special Halloween-themed video from the Onion takes on the problem of choosing a costume for your effeminate son. Sure, he wants to go out dressed as Hannah Montana, but that's the last thing you need. What can you do to hide his lisp, flamboyant taste and incessant prancing? Here are some examples of ways you can conceal his girlishness without locking him in the house on Halloween.

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How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

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The Onion: New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke' (VIDEO)

2009-10-05T13:04:46Z

The Onion launched a new video today that imagines a world in which anti-tobacco groups used homophobic rhetoric to get kids to stop smoking.

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Max Baucus Creates New Audience For 2001 Onion Parody

2009-09-30T16:54:53Z

While online media affords writers the opportunity to get their work out to the masses in a rapid, timely fashion, one of the unique privileges that the platform affords is the opportunity to very readily give an old article a second bite of the web-traffic apple when events unfold in a fashion that give it new currency. And at this very moment, the health care reform debate has given the news satirists at The Onion a chance to do just that.

Back in May of 2001, The Onion published a faux-editorial, purporting to be from Montana Senator Max Baucus, in which "he" opined:

I've been "serving" the great state of Montana in the U.S. Senate since 1978. You'll notice I put "serving" in quotes, because, let's face it, I suck. My wife has been pleading with me not to say this publicly, insisting that it's not true, that I'm a capable and dedicated public servant, blah, blah, blah. Bless her dear heart, but she's just being nice. Because, folks, I am telling you, I am hands-down the shittiest senator in the history of the Senate. The worst.

"Baucus" would go on to say, "I should just quit. Actually, I should have quit a long time ago. But I never did, because the people kept insisting I run for another term. I've been re-elected three times, and every time I am, I get the notion that maybe, if I made a real conscious effort, I could stop being such a lousy legislator."

That editorial was titled, "I'm Such A Shitty Senator," and it played off the humor that not too many people had really heard of or cared about who Max Baucus was. But eight years later, the health care reform debate would take off in Washington, DC, and Max Baucus would become a major player. And there, the full flower of Max Baucus' actual, ineffable shittiness would bloom, and The Onion shrewdly took advantage.

I spoke to Onion web editor Baratunde Thurston about how they maximized their opportunity at reminding people that they had been on the "Max Baucus is a shitty Senator" tip long before pointing out Max Baucus' shittiness became the new black:

Before the healthcare drama, this article got about 15 pageviews per day. No one cared. We noticed it popping up on a few blogs and decided to feature it in our In Focus section on the homepage and via Twitter in mid-September. That led to a high spike (up to 22K pageviews in one day).

Naturally, if Max Baucus had comported himself in any other manner than one befitting a real-life sack of actual human waste, The Onion would have not been able to bring readers back to their 2001 piece, and it would have remained a little-viewed piece of satiric arcana. Of course, as Thurston points out, 2001 was a pretty good year for The Onion's overall prescience.

What if The Onion, instead of titling their article "I'm Such A Shitty Senator," had opted to go with "I'm Such A Gape-Mouthed Whore For Health Care Industry Lobbyists?" My feeling is that it would have been more true, less funny, and just as sad.

RELATED:
I'm Such A Shitty Senator [The Onion]
Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over' [The Onion]

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The Onion: Growing Ranks Of Nouveau Poor Facing Discrimination From Old Poor (VIDEO)

2009-09-17T14:06:18Z

A new video from the Onion delves into a new form of discrimination coming from historically poor families who won't let nouveau poor families (growing exponentially) into their ranks.

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Onion 's Moon Landing Spoof Trips Up Bangladeshi Newspaper

2009-09-04T19:49:50Z

DHAKA -- A Bangladeshi newspaper was forced to print an apology Thursday after running an article that said astronaut Neil Armstrong had admitted his 1969 moon landing was part of an elaborate hoax.

Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their Kids (VIDEO)

2009-09-01T11:54:22Z

Are you a parent having a hard time letting go? Do you wish your son told you more about the skanks that follow him around like two-bit whores? Then the Internet is for you! Just by lying, scheming and violating your child's privacy you can get all the information you need to become a certified nutjob.

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Facebook, Twitter Revolutionizing How Parents Stalk Their College-Aged Kids

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Marshall Fine: Interview: Talking Obsessions with the Big Fan Guys

2009-08-31T13:49:11Z

There's obsessive and then there's obsessive, as comedian Patton Oswalt admits, sitting in the atrium of a Park City, Utah, hotel, where his film Big Fan was having its debut at the Sundance Film Festival.

"Obsessive?" he says with a hearty chuckle. "Hey, I just met Paul Giamatti and I was like a girl meeting the Jonas Brothers."

Actor Kevin Corrigan, who plays Oswalt's best friend in the film, admits that he has trouble talking to actors he obsesses about.

"Nine times out of 10, when I've met them, it's gone horribly," Corrigan says. "I say something stupid or I get as tongue-tied as I hoped I wouldn't get. I do well with people if I don't know who they are. Like I had a good conversation with Eddie Vedder one time, but I didn't know who he was. He was talking about his own music and I said, 'Oh, are you in a band?'"

In Big Fan, which opened in limited release last week, Oswalt and Corrigan play a pair of Staten Island buddies who are obsessed with the New York Giants. Oswalt's character, Paul Aufiero, still lives with his mom, works a dead-end job and has a bedroom with an NFL comforter on the bed and a poster of his favorite player over the bed. But his life turns upside down when he approaches that player one night in a Manhattan strip club -- and the guy beats the crap out of him, putting him into the hospital.

The film was written and directed by Robert Siegel, who spent 10 years as editor of The Onion and wrote The Wrestler. To Siegel, it's the obsession that makes Paul a character interesting enough to build a whole movie around.

"What interests me are people who are really into something specific -- something that 99 percent of the rest of the population doesn't give a crap about," Siegel says. Not that Siegel ever had a fixation himself: "My hero as a kid was Terry Bradshaw, when I was 12 or 13. But I wouldn't say I ever had an unhealthy obsession."

His interest in Paul's character, however, is pure; Siegel is quick to point out that he had no intention of making Paul the butt of the film's jokes.

For the rest of this story, click HERE to reach my website: www.hollywoodandfine.com.

Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture? (VIDEO)

2009-08-27T15:49:22Z

The "Onion" begged the question this week of who should be held accountable for the "Minotaur Maze" used under the Bush administration as an "enhanced interrogation technique."

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Is Using A Minotaur To Gore Detainees A Form Of Torture?

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Chubby Jewish Boy Dreams Of One Day Being Next Apatow Muse

2009-08-20T10:53:49Z

EVANSTON, IL -- Sources close to Arthur Meyer reported that the overweight Jewish teen hopes to someday inspire film producer Judd Apatow to create a series of comedic vehicles for him to star in.

Val Brown: Narcissism, Key Ingredient in Success of Social Media

2009-08-18T11:56:27Z

That almost sounds like a headline from The Onion.

We hear more about the new paradigm in human communication that social media has spawned than about the real driver in the phenomenal growth of these sites: basic human narcissism. You know what the sites are: Facebook (FB), Twitter, YouTube, My Space, Flickr, etc. Certainly they do feed a need for communication and interaction, albeit of a different variety than dinner and a movie with a friend or that ribald college reunion that ended in Grey Goose-fueled embarrassment for one formerly uptight poli-sci major. You just can't get that experience on FB, though you can catch the instant replay, kindly shared in Technicolor by one of your "friends".

But these sites have allowed our narcissism -- inordinate fascination with oneself -- to be unleashed. That monster who craves attention -- or the child in us that didn't get the attention deserved -- is having its moment in the sun. The beauty in this new outlet for attention-seeking is that we can now get it without having to ask for it. We just believe that we are getting it, living in the fantasy that our blog posts are widely read (and funny!), our status updates of national importance and our Tweets breathlessly awaited. (We now pause for a short grammar break. Is it already "tweets", with a small "t"? Has the "T" in "Tweets" followed the path to fame of the "g" in "googling"?).

We are all published now. We all have a presence. We all matter. Social media allows us to express ourselves, show our accomplishments, applaud ourselves. This is done in a relatively safe environment where we don't risk negative feedback, unless of course you've allowed people into your network indiscriminately or just have really mean friends. We want to be known, and it's easier to risk this online, somehow. To allow ourselves to be truly known is the biggest risk we take in friendships and romance, fearing that we will be rejected once people see who we really are. But we tell you, fearlessly, in our blogs, tweets, status updates and emails with an openness many of us do not practice in our offline relationships. It's the digital equivalent of telling a stranger on a plane your deepest, darkest secrets.

I was a reluctant narcissist, but I'm getting the hang of it. An "early adopter" of FB, it was at first difficult for me to be self-promoting, having always looked down on those that engaged in rhapsodizing about self as lacking in humility. But there is a difference between healthy self-esteem -- and wanting to share information about your views, passions, and what makes you laugh -- and inordinate fascination with oneself. Hopefully I don't cross that line.

I've also realized that during these tough economic times I need to use social networks as tools for networking and to talk about both my marketing work and my writing. And I've shifted my thinking about FB being an exclusive enclave for friends. I've started searching for past contacts and work colleagues, though I still draw the line at "friending" people I've never met.

With anything that grows to immense popularity so quickly there is a tendency to pass it off as a fad. Though MySpace seems to be losing popularity -- and I believe some of that is due to migration to FB -- I think FB is here to stay, though daily usage may diminish in direct proportion to the lowering of the unemployment rate. But FB can still rest easy as there are new narcissists being born every day, taking their first wobbly steps into self-disclosure before blossoming into full-on self-obsession. That notwithstanding, FB and its brethren better figure out how to make more money, because they really haven't cracked that yet. And it better not be by starting to charge subscribers, a state of affairs that could instigate mass uprisings with global geo-political ramifications, so strong is the FB addiction for many.

So, Facebook friends, please stop me if I am going over the top, giving TMI, or just simply wasting your time. Or you can be kind and just "hide" me. I will be none the wiser.

White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase (VIDEO)

2009-08-17T18:33:47Z

It turns out all the hope and exuberance President Obama exhibited in his campaign were not grounded in reality but in a manic haze brought on by a serious illness. He has since crashed and is coming to accept that we're all in deep trouble.

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White House Reveals Obama Is Bipolar, Has Entered Depressive Phase

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Google Lets Privacy Critics Opt-Out, Relocate To Remote Village (VIDEO)

2009-08-11T11:20:51Z

Are you tired of Google knowing your every move, every thought, want, purchase, opinion? Then Google's new opt-out village is for you...as long as you know how to farm and bury a dead body.

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New Google Service Lets Privacy Critics Opt-Out, Relocate To Remote Village

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U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt (VIDEO)

2009-08-05T09:52:48Z

According to the Onion, lawmakers decided this week that the only option left for America was a fake coup to fool the nation's creditors into forgiving its debts. After a brief "battle" in the Congress which left many representatives "dead," a new rebel leader emerged proclaiming all American debts void. The media is in on the scam, promising to hail Octavia whenever possible.

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U.S. Government Stages Fake Coup To Wipe Out National Debt

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Read more: Octavia, The Onion, Fake Coup, Comedy News

Etan Bednarsh: The Kiss Cam Isn't for Same-Sex Kisses... Except When Same-Sex Kisses are Funny

2009-07-27T14:38:09Z

Sports stadium Jumbo-trons are powerful beings. They can make otherwise sane people dance wildly in the hopes of appearing on camera, cheer themselves into a frenzy to score higher on a loud-o-meter, and turn a crowd of adults into fifth graders trying to force two people to uncomfortably kiss on a "Kiss Cam." Now a staple at many sports games, the Kiss Cam, the morality of which has already been explicitly skewered in "The Onion," searches the audience for couples, puts them on camera and waits for them to kiss as the crowd cheers along. The practice is not ubiquitous, though. Mike Wise, in this morning's Washington Post, reports that the Washington Mystics are not employing a Kiss Cam in the Verizon Center because they don't want to put lesbians on camera, as it might confuse some of the kids in attendance. This reasoning, disturbing in its own right, is even more dubious in light of one simple fact: The Verizon Center does put same sex people on the "Kiss Cam," they just do it to get a laugh.

The necessary background information here, supplied by Wise, is the demographics of the WNBA fan base:

Understood is that women's professional basketball has two major fan bases: dads and daughters, and lesbians.

That is the reason they don't put couples, some of whom will be lesbian couples, on the "Kiss Cam":

"We got a lot of kids here," Sheila Johnson, the Mystics' managing partner, said when asked last week at a game. "We just don't find it appropriate."

If the policy truly was "we don't show same sex couples on the Kiss Cam," a number of questions could be raised. After all, is it right to treat same sex couples differently from male-female couples? On the other hand, should parents have to have that conversation at a sports arena? Is it fair to still consider the discussion of homosexuality "that discussion?" And ultimately, why do we have "Kiss Cams" in the first place? All of those questions would be up for discussion, if "we don't show same sex couples on the Kiss Cam" was truly the policy.

But of course it isn't. It isn't the policy of many teams, and it is certainly not the policy in the Verizon Center in Washington D.C., where the Washington Mystics play. That's because the Washington Wizards have a running "gag" at the end of their "Kiss Cam" where they put two players from the opposing team on the "Kiss Cam." Why do they do this? The underlying joke (and it does score huge laughs) is that it is hilarious to see two males placed within a heart because it is emasculating to imply that they would kiss. Ha.

As an example, here is a series of pictures of Juwan Howard and another Charlotte Bobcat (who increasingly "get" the "joke"):

Here is Nate Robinson and Al Harrington of the New York Knicks absolutely giddy after being victimized by this incredibly hilarious prank:

(images found on TruthAboutIt.net)

The WNBA's Washington Mystics won't show actual homosexual couples kiss, while in the very same Verizon Center, the Washington Wizards regularly show two of the Wizards male opponents in their "Kiss Cam." The message to fans is simple. Two same-sexed, loving, gay people kissing is inappropriate, but the idea of two same-sexed straight people kissing is hilarious. Homosexuality (at Mystics games) is inappropriate at best, and fodder for a joke (at Wizards games) at worst.

So they won't show gay couples on screen at Mystics games so no one has to feel uncomfortable. Except for gay people, whose lifestyle is belittled into a cheap punch line. Ha.

Garrett Johnson: The Weird Have Turned Pro

2009-07-24T10:28:41Z

"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro."
- Hunter S. Thompson

When you live in interesting times it is sometimes hard to distinguish the real news from the fake news. For instance, I read this today.

WASHINGTON--A new report has revealed that when it comes to the important matter of owing large sums of money, Americans display a level of expertise and proficiency unrivaled throughout the world.

The same day I also read this.

The Treasury Department said Thursday that it will sell a record total of $115 billion in new notes next week, more than market participants had expected.

Both articles look like the could be real news, don't they?

The first article was from The Onion, and therefore should be considered "fake". The second article was from the Wall Street Journal, so it should be considered "real"...at least that's the way it should be.

But remember the wise words of Mr. Thompson. Only the Onion article was telling the whole story.

The WSJ mentioned the new debt that was being issued by the Treasury, but failed to mention the enormous mountain of existing debt that was scheduled to be rolled over just next week. Let's see if I can count this up....

70 day CMBs, $30 billion (tomorrow)
13 week Bills, $32 billion (July 27th)
26 week Bills, $31 billion (July 27th)
52 week Bills, $27 billion (July 28th)
2 year Notes, $42 billion (July 28th)
5 year Notes, $39 billion (July 29th)
7 year Notes, $28 billion (July 30th)
19 year, 6 month TIPS (reopened), $6 billion (July 27th)

Almost one quarter of a trillion in a single week.

We've been bombarded with lots of gigantic numbers over the past year, so maybe this number doesn't impress you. It needs to be put into perspective.

For example, this was your wage last year: $42,270

This is the average bonus that Goldman Sachs is giving their employees this year: $700,000

And this is the amount of money the Treasury needs in just one week: $235,000,000,000

Or to put this is another way:

Notice how America is borrowing far more money than the entire rest of the world combined. These aren't normal times. The weird have turned pro.

Here There Be Monsters

"The first panacea for a mismanaged nation is inflation of the currency; the second is war. Both bring a temporary prosperity; both bring a permanent ruin. But both are the refuge of political and economic opportunists."
- Ernest Hemingway, "Notes on the Next War: A Serious Topical Letter" , 1935

There are many dangers from borrowing so much money from foreign lenders. The first and most obvious danger is with interest rates.

In a 2003 paper, Thomas Laubach, the US Federal Reserve's senior economist, calculated the impact on long-term interest rates of rising fiscal deficits and soaring national debt. Applying his assumptions to the recent spike in the US fiscal deficit and national debt, long-term interests rates will double from their current 3.5pc.

Considering that this is the Federal Reserve's own prediction, this should be taken seriously. Consider what will happen to the already weak housing market if mortgage rates were to double in the next few years?

Even a single percentage point increase could cost the Treasury an additional $50 Billion a year, and with most of the nation's debt being short-term, it would be felt almost immediately.

It's simply a matter of supply and demand. The more debt that nations issue, without an increase in demand, means the price of that debt falls. In the bond market, price and interest rates are directly inversely related.

The governments of America, Britain, Japan, and elsewhere have tried to compensate for that dearth in demand by monetizing the debt. However, that caused the other supply and demand problem - more money printing without more goods means the value of the currency drops.

In 2009 and 2010, Washington will sell more than $5 trillion in new debt, according to Citigroup. A decade from now, according to the Congressional Budget office, Washington's outstanding debt could equal 82 percent of G.D.P., or just over $17 trillion.
...
"It's an exaggeration of course, but it's a little like what happened to the subprime borrowers," Mr. Rogoff said. "People are just assuming the funding will always be there."

On the demand side of this issue is the simple lack of enough capital in the world. Bill Gross of Pimco had this to say on the matter.

The immediate question is who is going to buy all of this debt? Estimates suggest gross Treasury issuance of up to $3 trillion this calendar year and net offerings close to $2 trillion -- almost four times last year's supply. Prior to 2009, it was enough to count on the recycling of the U.S. trade/current account deficit to fund Treasury borrowing requirements. Now, however, with that amount approximating only $500 billion, it is obvious that the Chinese and other surplus nations cannot fund the deficit even if they were fully on board - which they are not. Someone else has got to write checks for up to $1.5 trillion additional Treasury notes and bonds.

Gross goes onto say that if the governments continue to try and spend our way out of the recession there are only two possible outcomes: 1) an immediate and enormous rise in interest rates, or 2) massive debt monetization by the central banks.

It appears that, because of a lack of clear vision and plan, we are seeing a combination of those two things. No one wants to make the tough choices, thus we will get a little bit of all the possible problems.

The country was more than 200 years old before America's public debt hit $1 Trillion. It hit $6 Trillion in early 2002, and then $10 Trillion in 2008.

By the end of this year it will climb over $13 Trillion. The CBO estimates nearly $10 Trillion in new debt by 2019. In economics this trend is considered "parabolic", and all things that go parabolic are unsustainable.

It begs the question - where will the money come from?

Sometimes people ask that question, which is a very good question, but stop there.

An even better question to ask is -- is there enough money?

The IMF, which has repeatedly underestimated the economic crisis, has produced some numbers which are scary in and of themselves.

Fortunately, Carmen M. Reinhart and Kenneth S. Rogoff have studied dozens of historical examples since 1800 and tried to answer that question by basing it what that history teaches us.

If you are like me, $33 Trillion is so far above my ability to imagine that they may as well be using another language. That's why it is important to put things into perspective by comparing this number to other asset classes.

If you understand the significance of these numbers you have arrived at the "Oh, shit" moment. The amount of money required to bail the world out of the current economic crisis, if this crisis plays out at a historical average, is nearly equal to all the private wealth currently in the world.

To repeat the obvious, this doesn't add up. What about the capital needed to fund the businesses of the world? What about the capital needed for private consumption?

Britain is trying to bail out their economy. The Euro nations are bailing out their economies. So is China and Japan. There isn't enough capital in the world for all these bailouts.

Kyle Bass from the US fund Hayman Advisors said the markets were choking on debt.

"There isn't enough capital in the world to buy the new sovereign issuance required to finance the giant fiscal deficits that countries are so intent on running. There is simply not enough money out there," he said. "If the US loses control of long rates, they will not be able to arrest asset price declines. If they print too much money, they will debase the dollar and cause stagflation.

"The bottom line is that there is no global 'get out of jail free' card for anyone", he said.

The numbers simply don't add up. Everyone can't borrow at the same time. Someone has to lend.

To argue otherwise is to tilt at windmills.

So then the assumption is that China will lend us the money, right?

China isn't happy with our management of their dollar-based assets. Because of that they are cutting back on their lending.

What about Japan, our second-largest creditor? They've been some of the world's greatest savers for over a generation.

Japan is no longer in a position to bail out America's overspending because Japan is getting old. Unlike young people who save, old people retire to live off their savings.

There is no "what if". The odds of all this deficit spending getting financed at an affordable rate is zero. It's simply not going to happen.

To put it another way, I will refer back to the Onion article.

"Their ability to consume well beyond their means, disregard all signs of approaching financial ruin, and then sit there like a fat duck waiting for solutions to appear is truly remarkable. Few nations achieve such excellence in one singular aspect of life. Bravo, America."

The report concluded that Americans are also second to none when it comes to defaulting on long-overdue loans, be they from individuals, banks, or great and powerful nations that have absolutely no qualms about making others regret their foolish mistakes for generations to come.