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Who Moved My Soap

CNN Urges Senators to Ask Sotomayor More Questions About Michael Jackson

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"Our viewers want to know who's going to have custody of Blanket and the other Jackson children, and none of that is being addressed in these hearings," said CNN's Larry King.

AIG Bonus Recipients Upbeat About Economy

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Mr. Harbock says that his consumer confidence has also taken a positive turn since receiving his bonus check, which totaled $5.4 million.

Ensign Favors Stimulus of His Package

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"I misread my package's needs," the senator said. "It needs significantly more stimulus than I originally thought."

New Downbeat Unemployment Numbers Include Republican Mistresses

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Unemployment surged over the past two weeks, but the Department of Labor was careful to point out that much of that increase was due to "forced layoffs of Republican mistresses."

North Korea Reveals It Has Been Running Microsoft Customer Service for Years

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

In a frontal assault on America's computers, North Korea revealed today that it successfully infiltrated Microsoft customer service and has been running the company's calling centers for years.

New iPhone App Translates Palin Speech into English

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

According to Apple, a user of the iPal app can hold his iPhone up to a television when Ms. Palin is appearing and receive a real-time English translation in text form.

People With No Lives Ponder Future After Jackson Memorial

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

As the Michael Jackson memorial concludes today, millions of people who have no lives are in a quandary about how they will fill the inevitable void.

World Eagerly Awaits End Of Michael Jackson Tributes

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Tracy Klugian, 37, a hardware salesman in Brookline, Massachusetts, has been holding a candlelight vigil for the news ever since the 24/7 Michael Jackson coverage began.

New England Journal of Medicine Reports Mental Health Epidemic Among Republican Governors

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

According to the study, the symptoms of the epidemic include "bizarre, uncontrollable behaviors" and "grandiose self-ideations," including an impulse to compare oneself to Biblical figures.

Obama: White House Prescription Plan Less Expensive Than Michael Jackson's

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

"We've done an inventory of the left-over painkillers at Neverland Ranch," Mr. Obama said. "There's enough junk there to tranquilize the entire nation until the year 2050."

Comedians Mourn Palin's Resignation

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Moments after Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced her resignation from office, comedians from coast to coast held candlelight vigils to mourn what one comic called "a devastating loss."

Madoff's Soul Turns Up on Craigslist

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

The seller, Satan, said that he had bought Mr. Madoff's soul forty years ago and was "disappointed" that it had turned out to be worthless.

Sanford: "I'm Too Sexy for My State"

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Lashing out at critics who have called for his resignation, an unrepentant Gov. Mark Sanford released a statement today indicating that he might be "too sexy" for his critics to handle.

Madoff to Share Cell With O.J.

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Mr. Madoff and the former Heisman Trophy winner reportedly hit it off well, with Mr. Simpson vowing to help Mr. Madoff "search for the real swindlers."

Ruth Madoff: 'This Is Not the Man I Owned Nine Homes With'

Andy Borowitz | Posted 05.25.2011 | Comedy
Andy Borowitz

Mrs. Madoff said she was kept "totally in the dark" about her husband's activities because he used a clever cover story: "He told me he was hiking the Appalachian Trail."