"Our viewers want to know who's going to have custody of Blanket and the other Jackson children, and none of that is being addressed in these hearings," said CNN's Larry King.

Mr. Harbock says that his consumer confidence has also taken a positive turn since receiving his bonus check, which totaled $5.4 million.

"I misread my package's needs," the senator said. "It needs significantly more stimulus than I originally thought."

Unemployment surged over the past two weeks, but the Department of Labor was careful to point out that much of that increase was due to "forced layoffs of Republican mistresses."

In a frontal assault on America's computers, North Korea revealed today that it successfully infiltrated Microsoft customer service and has been running the company's calling centers for years.

According to Apple, a user of the iPal app can hold his iPhone up to a television when Ms. Palin is appearing and receive a real-time English translation in text form.

As the Michael Jackson memorial concludes today, millions of people who have no lives are in a quandary about how they will fill the inevitable void.

Tracy Klugian, 37, a hardware salesman in Brookline, Massachusetts, has been holding a candlelight vigil for the news ever since the 24/7 Michael Jackson coverage began.

According to the study, the symptoms of the epidemic include "bizarre, uncontrollable behaviors" and "grandiose self-ideations," including an impulse to compare oneself to Biblical figures.

"We've done an inventory of the left-over painkillers at Neverland Ranch," Mr. Obama said. "There's enough junk there to tranquilize the entire nation until the year 2050."

Moments after Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced her resignation from office, comedians from coast to coast held candlelight vigils to mourn what one comic called "a devastating loss."

The seller, Satan, said that he had bought Mr. Madoff's soul forty years ago and was "disappointed" that it had turned out to be worthless.

Lashing out at critics who have called for his resignation, an unrepentant Gov. Mark Sanford released a statement today indicating that he might be "too sexy" for his critics to handle.

Mr. Madoff and the former Heisman Trophy winner reportedly hit it off well, with Mr. Simpson vowing to help Mr. Madoff "search for the real swindlers."

Mrs. Madoff said she was kept "totally in the dark" about her husband's activities because he used a clever cover story: "He told me he was hiking the Appalachian Trail."