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Tallulah Morehead
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Tallulah Morehead is the completely legendary star of 90 unforgettable forgotten classic Hollywood films, including The Mailman Always Comes Twice, Privates on Display, Seven Brides for Seven Dwarfs, The Lady Steve, and Caligulee, Caligula. She was born in 1897, which makes her 112, but Death isn't an issue for her, as she is a Screen Immortal. She made her film debut in 1915, and retired from the movies in 1969, although critics maintain she retired from acting years earlier. She no longer has any idea how many times she has been married, but we know of at least 10 husbands, one or two of whom may even have been heterosexual, at least at the time of the wedding. She is the author of an autobiography, My Lush Life, published by Kensington Books, and she stoutly denies the wicked lie that she is actually her ghost writer and amanuensis, Douglas McEwan, a bitter old queen of a comedy writer, leaching off of her like a gay tick. She would prefer her vodka straight please. (Mr. McEwan is also the author of The Q Guide to Classic Monster Movies, but as it isn't about her, Tallulah recommends skipping it.)

Entries by Tallulah Morehead

The Nobility of Acting Nobly: The 2011 Tony Awards Show.

(23) Comments | Posted June 14, 2011 | 2:41 PM

Oh joy. A chance to spend an evening listening to actors blow smoke up each other's butts as they discuss the Extreme Nobility of Acting.

The amusing opening number, It's Not Just For Gays Anymore, might have been more convincing if they could have found a straight man to sing...

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Survivor 22: Rerun Island: Rice Wars, Episode 10: A New Dope

(191) Comments | Posted April 21, 2011 | 3:38 PM

We began the 10th episode of Survivor: Zombie Island on Zombie Island. Matt, aka Dr. Jesus, has been out there alone so much, he's now talking out loud to a man who has been dead since the days of the Emperor Tiberius. It's a measure of how much slack we...

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Survivor 22: Rerun Island: The Robfather and Chief Featherbrain.

(106) Comments | Posted April 14, 2011 | 1:16 PM

In his "Previously on Survivor" opening spiel, Jeff Probst said of Matt, aka, Dr. Jesus: "Matt's time on Redemption Island finally came to an end," when he should have said: "Dr. Jesus's time on Zombie Island finally came to a momentary pause."

Dr. Jesus waxed philosophical about his second...

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Survivor 22: Rerun Island: There's a Fly on Mike's Ball

(86) Comments | Posted April 7, 2011 | 10:23 AM

As episode 8 of Survivior: Zombie Island commenced, it occurred to me that Sarita doesn't seem to fully understand the game of Survivor, or Tic Tac Toe for that matter. She arrived at Zombie Island overflowing with praise for the very people who had just sunk her hopes of winning...

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Survivor 22: Rerun Island: Softly, Softly, Catchee Monkey.

(41) Comments | Posted March 31, 2011 | 10:54 AM

Arriving back at camp from Tribal Council, Steve was trying to heal wounds and promote tribal unity, but David was having none of it. He's a defense lawyer. He's innately combative. You don't kiss and make up with the DA after you've gotten some triple-murderer released back into your neighborhood....

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Survivor 22: Rerun Island: Small Minds and Giant Jesus.

(107) Comments | Posted March 24, 2011 | 5:11 PM

When episode 6 of Survivor: Zombie Island got underway, we had arriving on Zombie Island (Which isn't an island. Liars!), blond (in both the hair and the blond-jokes sense) Klumpp, snuggling up with equally blond (also in both senses) Matt, aka Dr. Jesus, the Christian med student. Klumpp had an...

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Survivor 22: Rerun Island: Helter Skelter.

(134) Comments | Posted March 17, 2011 | 1:34 PM

On Survivor, the Ete Poem Tribe (It's an anagram of Ometepe, which bores me), is the home of Phillip, aka Big Mouth, aka, Agent Dry Mouth, aka Agent 00-Zero, aka Special Agent Dumb Ass, and he is the motherlode of nutball behavior. Agent Dumb Ass could lose an argument with...

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Survivor 22: Rerun Island: Russell Blows It, Mansweater Sucks It, and Big Mouth Stamps It.

(90) Comments | Posted March 11, 2011 | 1:11 PM

"Wave your little hand and whisper 'So long dearie,'

You ain't gonna see me any more.

But when you discover that your life is dreary,

Don't you come a knocking at my door.

'Cause I'll be all dolled up and singing a song,

That says you dog, I told you...

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Survivor 22: Rerun Island: A Consummation Devoutly to be Wished.

(80) Comments | Posted March 3, 2011 | 4:47 PM

Survivor opened this week watching Matt, aka Dr. Jesus, arriving on Zombie Island, a newly-made member of The Squawking Dead, like all Christians, seeking Redemption and Resurrection, whereas what he needs is what all zombies seek: brains.

First episode zombie Francheeseburger, woken from a deep coma, was surprised it wasn't...

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Oscars 2011: The Triumph of Porky Pig

(112) Comments | Posted February 28, 2011 | 7:54 AM

Hello darlings, and welcome to my annual skewering of the Oscars show, or as it's also known, The Gay Superbowl.

James Franco and Anne Hathaway are pretty and appealing performers, but they are not comedians, as they proved tonight at great length. James, keep your arms; cut off the...

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Survivor 22: Rerun Island: A Phillip's Head Screwy Driver

(44) Comments | Posted February 24, 2011 | 3:22 PM

And so we got our first look at Zombie Island. Oh, they call it "Redemption Island," but every time I've ever heard someone offering "redemption," it always turns out to be a religious con-man-or-woman. This island is where The Squawking Dead roam, seeking ever to break back through into the...

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Survivor 22: Rerun Island: Our Man Big Mouth

(101) Comments | Posted February 17, 2011 | 10:51 AM

"Like one who, on a lonely road,

Doth walk in fear and dread,

And, having once turn'd round, walks on,

And turns no more his head;

Because he knows a frightful fiend

Doth close behind him tread."
- Coleridge, Rime of the Ancient Mariner.

Hello darlings. I've...

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Dead Folks 2010: Everyone's Pushing Up Roses

(87) Comments | Posted January 1, 2011 | 5:33 PM

Happy New Year, darlings. All of you reading this piece have something in common: you survived 2010. Not everyone was so lucky, and a lot of people, as always, took the off-ramp from Life. I've a few thoughts to share about some of the most-famous departures this year, in what...

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Survivor 21: Infants vs Senior Citizens: Fetuses Gone Wild!

(109) Comments | Posted December 20, 2010 | 4:40 PM

This was a a three-hour telecast, so we have a lot to discuss. Buckle up for safety.

Dan: "This tribe might think I'm a weak link, but I don't consider myself a weak link." He also thinks he's entertaining, that acting like one of the Sopranos is amusing, thought that...

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Survivor 21: Infants vs. Senior Citizens: Oedipal Wrecks.

(62) Comments | Posted December 16, 2010 | 6:10 AM

Holly: "What the [fatita] is wrong with Chase?"

Well aesthetically, nothing. The entire top-of-the-show recap centered on the many betrayals by Chase, focusing solely on him. I wonder who will be at the center of this penultimate episode's action?

Sash believes he's running the show again. Last week he was...

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Survivor 21: Infants vs Senior Citizens: Jeff Probst and the 7 Dwarfed-Intellects.

(43) Comments | Posted December 9, 2010 | 12:31 PM

After last week's jaw-dropper of a double-quit episode, leaving alliances in ruins, this week was surprisingly tame and dull. Perhaps that it centered on Sash, one of the least-interesting men on the show ever, increased its drab quality.

I've been calling Chase an idiot for weeks now, merely because he's...

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Survivor 21: Infants vs Senior Citizens: Gulliver Among the Smuffs, Literally!

(78) Comments | Posted December 2, 2010 | 6:01 AM

After a week of recaps and old clips, the game recommenced where we left off two weeks ago, just after Brenda was blindsided. Kelly Still-Here felt left-out and at the bottom of the totem pole. She wasn't left out. She was forgotten. Her closest allies greet her with: "What was...

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The Desert Rata

(22) Comments | Posted November 27, 2010 | 5:31 PM

Go placidly among the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in riches.

Speak your truth softly, and carry a big stick.

Listen to others, even the dull and ignorant, no matter how boringly and stupidly they may waste your time.

Don't put all your eggs...

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Survivor 21: Infants vs Senior Citizens: Libertards Gone Wild

(17) Comments | Posted November 25, 2010 | 7:08 AM

First the good news, Sarah Palin's reprehensible, hypocritical new TV show dropped 40% in its ratings the second week. Clearly you all took my admonition not to watch it seriously. Her novelty wore off fast. And to ice the cake, her clomping spawn lost Dancing With the Republicans, and to...

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Survivor 21: Infants vs Senior Citizens: The Blithering Inferno.

(94) Comments | Posted November 18, 2010 | 5:46 PM

"The time to hesitate is through.

No time to wallow in the mire.

Try now, we can only lose,

And our love become a funeral pyre.

Come on baby, light my fire.

Come on baby, light my fire.

Try to set the night on fire."

- The Doors, Light...

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