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Big Brother 11: Desperate Houseguests

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"The world is changed. I feel it in the water. I feel it in the earth. I smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost. For none now live who remember it."
-Queen Galadriel, The Lord of the Rings.

This was a week of grief and horror, the likes of which I have not seen since the 2004 presidential election. Fawning, groveling evil triumphed, the excessively-innocent were wrongly seduced by lies, and courageous, slightly nuts beauty was overthrown. The Bromance of the Century was broken beyond repair.

But first, about the occupations Big Brother tells us the houseguests have. Russell, they keep telling us, is a "Mixed-Up Martial Arts Fighter." Oh please; he's a realtor. They gave Braden's occupation as a surfer. Get real. He's an actor. You can see his willie (worth a peek) on an episode of Dante's Cove. They called Chima a "Freelance Journalist," when she's actually a sociopath who can't string a sentence together unless it's about herself. Natalie is a "Tae Kwon Doe champion." No, she's a skank. In fact, I henceforth dub her "Skankalie."

But the most egregious and frightening is Lydia, who is a "Special-Effects Make-Up Artist." Well, now it turns out that she's a nanny. In fact, for a while, she was a nanny for the children of Sir Paul McCartney! Good Lord, save those kids from that psychoskank! She's not Mary Poppins; she's more like Mary Poppers! I guess with Heather McCartney hobbling about the house like Long John Silver only more larcenous at heart, Sir Paul never noticed how horrible Lydia is. Heather was an even more ghastly creature. It's always the children who suffer. On to this week's shows.

Sunday: Yoko Ono Strikes Again!

The Head of Household competition we left in progress last week consisted of inserting cans into cylindrical tubes. Naturally studs had an advantage. Gandoofus won, but Gollum did surprisingly well. He doesn't really suggest a top, but I suppose his boyfriend could be even less butch, somehow.

Gollum thought he was screwed. "I'm going to the jury house." If only.

Gandoofus's kid pictures in his HOH Room included shots of him as a small boy with Moe Howard's trademark bowl haircut. Jordan on Gandoofus's bowl cut: "It reminded me of Dumb and Dumber." I wonder if she ever caught on that that was a comedy. In any event, Gandoofus & Jordan are Dumb and Dumber.

Jordan on Gandoofus: "We're just alike. We have a lot of things in common. Like two peas in a Pa." She probably meant "pod," but just hadn't the energy to pronounce that final "d."

Jordan tried to weasel in on Gandoofus's Hawaiian trip, but Gandoofus, like any sensible person, had no intention of wasting his trip with a girl who won't put out. Gandoofy darling, I'll put out!

Jordan denied that she is a p-tease. Jordan please, you are a classic p-tease. What's the dumbest thing about Jordan? That she refuses to have sex. Jordan: "I'm not a tease. You have to wait for the right moment." I always do, the right moment being generally right after dinner, or before dinner, or - well - any time I'm awake.

Jordan: "My mom always says 'Men think with their penises and not with their heads.'" Well Jordan, at least they're thinking with something! I have a friend named David Snyder who always says, "I no longer do all my thinking with my penis, though it is still among my top advisors."

Gollum and Skankalie hatched a desperate plan to stay alive that hinged on Gollum lying about Russell. Gandoofus is so stupid, he believes them. Gandoofus isn't thinking at all, not even with his penis.

Jordan started believing Gollum and Skankalie over Russell and The Doctor. Jordan is becoming The Bromance Alliance's Yoko Ono, or in her case, Yokel Ohno. She's thinking with Gandoofus's penis. Russell repeatedly said that he never said what Gollum lied he said, but Gandoofus and the moron can't get it through their heads.

Shown tending the house's vegetable garden shirtless, Gandoofus has become the hunky gardener on Desperate Houseguests. He does remind me of Eduardo, my gardener's son, whose duties are all performed indoors. Jordan and Gollum sat outside watching him spray his hose about, and drooled. Both of them are p-teases. If you could watch Gollum groaning with lust over Gandoofus in the Diary Room without gagging, you're made of stronger stuff than I. I am now forced to assume that Gollum's boyfriend is a male Helen Keller, only with no sense of touch either.

The Have-Nots get chitlins and churros to eat for the week. Russell was unexcited. Excuse me? I love churros. I'd like some churros right now. They go great with vodka martinis. But then, what doesn't?

Skankalie told us: "Everybody in the house thinks I'm 18 and I'm not too smart, um, but the reality of the situation is I'm actually 24, I'm a lot smarter than they think." No, everyone in the house thinks you're 30, exceptionally stupid, and a liar, except Yokel, who is even more stupid. So then Skankalie brags about her prowess at playing poker in Vegas. "I won $70,000." She must think they are dumb indeed if they'd swallow that 18 year olds are allowed to gamble in Vegas. "When it comes to poker," she boasted rashly, "I could school all these guys in a heartbeat." Then they had a direct cut to Russell beating her at poker.

When Russell beat her, she tried to tell him that he played wrong. Skankalie, he won. You lost. He was playing right. We got this glimpse into the alternate-universe she inhabits: "I don't accept losing good? Me? That's you!"

Russell (in Realityland): "I didn't lose! I beat you!" Yeah, Skankalie gave them a lesson in poker all right. She taught them she's all mouth and no game.

Last week a Yokel fan (yes, there are a handful) left a comment here about how Yokel's dad was a compulsive gambler who left Yokel and her equally-mentally-challenged mother destitute, and that Yokel, as I've noted before, works two jobs to support her mother and herself, which is why she shares a room with Mom even into her 20s. She works in a hair salon (Sweeping up, I imagine. She's not sufficiently educated for anything else) and she "serves at night," though she hasn't said yet whether she serves drinks or Satan. I suspect the latter, as the former would require her to make change.

If Yokel's dad really gambled away all their money, why didn't she immediately break up with Gandoofus when she saw him playing poker? She wants another gambler in the family? Slow learner. But then, if we know anything about Yokel, it's that she is a slow learner. A few weeks back, not broadcast on CBS, she told Casey how, when she transferred to a new junior high (I assume this happened last year) "I didn't really like that new school or the kids. They were all too worried about grades and stuff."

Also, Yokel has been very frank on the feeds about having breast implants. If she's so poor, how could she afford implants? Why not use the money to get your own room? She's a big enough boob already. I guess Mom counseled her, "Dear, anyone can get an education, but a girl needs big boobs if she's going to succeed in life."

When The Doctor visited the HOH Room, she asked, "Is [Yokel] taking a bath?" Then they cut to a shot of Yokel bathing fully dressed! I'm beginning to think her IQ is a negative number.

The Doctor tried to explain what a scientist does to Gandoofus, who isn't really familiar with science. To him, it's just those shows with pledge breaks. He told Dr. Michele, "Oh man, that sucks. Jeeze. Why don't you just work on counterfeiting money for five years?" Ladies and gentlemen, the moral center of the Big Brother House. "I was impressed when I made a Lego castle - with directions." I'd have to see this Lego castle before I believe he actually made one."

Skankalie & Gollum proposed a Final Four deal to Gandoofus, of Gandoofy and Yokel and Gollum and Skankalie. Skankalie's logic: "At least you've got loyal people on your side versus people shady, you know?" Loyal People? These are the remnants of Jessie's weeping pallbearers, who then, a few days later hated him, and who have been Gandoofus's enemies all through the game.

Gandoofus's response to this transparent idiocy? "Yeah." The Gandoofus's counterproposal was to nominate Gollum & Skankalie. Oddly, they didn't like that plan.

Yokel Ohno liked the plan though. She'd decided for no reason (yet) that she hates Russell. It's obviously jealousy. Yokel trusts Skankalie. I knew she was stupid, but I never thought she was that stupid! (Well, maybe I did.)

The Doctor: "If Russell and I are not nominated today, it really shows that [Gandoofus] trusts us, and that Russell and I are really going to the Final Four together." They should rescind her doctorate just for that idiot statement alone. Has she never heard of backdooring? How did this woman ever defeat The Daleks?

Gandoofus nominated Gollum and Skankalie, but The Doctor couldn't see that he had his fingers crossed behind his back. Gandoofus: "[Gollum], I nominated you and [Skankalie] for eviction, for no other reasons than I just don't like you as people. I'm just playing."

Well I'm not playing. I truly don't like Gollum and Skankalie as people, if that's what they are. Hearing Gollum whine about being nominated for the first time, 8 weeks in, made me nauseous. Someone should have tossed that hideous troll into a volcano weeks ago.

Tuesday: Inglourious Blowhards.
(What a coincidence. Taratino and Yokel Ohno both missspell "inglorious" the same way.)

My darling Russell, like the Elvin Queen Galadriel, could smell the change in the wind, and began suspecting he was in peril. We saw him in the swimming pool room, wearing a yellow T-shirt with a tire track across the back (Was he wearing it when it got run over? He is tough!), crossing himself. Russell, that won't help. Even if there was a God, he'd have better things to do than meddle in who gets evicted on Big Brother. (For those who were worried, Russell's rosary, which was stolen by Chima, was found in her things - Guilty! - when they were packed up, and has been returned to Russ. Maybe her job title should have been "Freelance Thief.")

Gandoofus now told us his idiot rationale for trusting Gollum and Skankalie over his Bromantic Significant Other, The Love Muscle: that Russell voted to evict Skankalie instead of Jessie. Mind you, Russell's reason for that vote was to keep his promise to Jessie never to vote to evict him, even though he wanted him out, so it means he's more trustworthy rather than less.

I'm afraid Gandoofus has succumbed to the Dim Side of the Force. He is no longer worthy to be named after Gandalf. So I shall now rename him henceforth to be known as Sarumoron, the Lord of Dimness.

Over breakfast (Yokol Ohno apparently eats cereal slathered in BBQ sauce) Gollum and Skankalie Wormtongue poured more lies into her ears.

Gollum: "I do want you to know that we've played a loyal, truthful game." Talk about bald-faced lies! This is from the thing that just days ago voted to evict his "best friend" Lydia, out of pure cowardice, so he has no loyalty, and his whole "Russell said he wants Sarumoron out next" crap is an absolute lie. Gollum has also been saying that he's been in a relationship for nine years. Given what a disloyal liar he is, I have to assume that Mr. Gollum is as mythical as Mrs. Palpatwit. And he's including Skankalie "I'm 18" Wormtongue under his "Truthful" banner. How can even Yokel eat with all that bilge being poured on her? For that matter, how can she eat while looking at him?

Yokel: "I trust [Skankalie] and [Gollum] over Russell." I've seen lemmings who were smarter than Yokel. "I know [Russell's] going to put up [Sarumoron]." Russell was planning on doing no such thing, so she knows this like she knows that there are 25 minutes in a quarter of an hour. In true Yoko fashion, she went scurrying upstairs to reinforce their lies in Sarumoron's ears.

Sarumoron tried coaching Yokel for upcoming BB trivia challenges, and Yokel immediately got her back up, showing again her apparently lifelong tendency to resist and turn hostile towards anyone who ever tried to teach her anything. It's not that she merely hasn't ever learned anything. She refuses to learn anything. She's aggressively ignorant. L'arnin's for wusses!

Could this provide us with my longed-for break-up of the Dimwitted Duo? Could Sarumoron break free of Yokel in time to realize his True Love is Russell?

No such luck. Although his irritation with her grew, he's not remotely attracted to Gollum or Skankalie (his rare exhibition of good taste), so his Wizard Wand still leads him back to Yokel, despite the fact that she refuses to make use of it. He's a typical wizard, always thinking with his wand.

Straight jocks: where God stores his surplus stupidity.

Yokel asked Gollum the quintessential stupid question breeders always ask gays: "How did you know that you were gay?"

Every gay person in the country gets trapped into this moronic catechism at some time or another. Not once has a gay person ever sat a straight person down and asked them "But how did you know you were straight?" Sadly, Gollum hasn't near enough wit to answer, "Honey, I took one look at you, and I knew I preferred men!"

"I knew when I was very early," replied Gollum, ungrammatically answering How with When.

Russell, deciding to try to seem as stupid as the Lord and Lady of Dimness, suspecting correctly that they mistrust him because they know he's smarter than they are (This is also why they distrust their housepets, and books, and dust, and is why Yokel distrusts that minuscule spider in the garden), joined in the Stupid Question Game by re-asking, "How do you know?"

Gollum pointed out the obvious answer, that he noticed that he was attracted to men instead of girls. This is a revelation to Yokel, who apparently thought homosexuals received notification of their gender-preference by mail on their 13th birthday.

Russell, wondering if Gollum had ever been closeted, asked with stunning eloquence: "So you'd act all butchy?" There's our new vocabulary word for this week: "Butchy." Russell felt it was a reasonable question, since he's been acting all butchy all his life.

In answering Russell, Gollum made the first sensible remark he's made all season: "Not butchy but, you know, how butchy can I really get?" Not at all, my dear. I loved the cutaways to Sarumoron during this conversation, staring off into space, probably thinking deep thoughts, such as, "I like grapes." (But how did you know you liked grapes, Sarumoron?)

As she does every week, poker and Tai Kwon Doh! "Champion" Skankalie said of the Veto competition, "I plan on winning."And, as she does every week, she didn't. Her mouth should be arrested for check-kiting.

Gollum told Yokel "You and [Sarumoron] have never screwed us." True. And they haven't screwed each other either, owing to Yokel's titanium chastity belt.

Gollum's Statement of Principles: "At this point [Skankalie] and I are going to tell [Sarumoron] and [Yokel] whatever it takes to stay another week in this game, and if they're dumb enough to take the bait [They are], the first chance we get we're going to stab them in the back." At this point, the only difference between Gollum and his namesake in the movie is that the movie Gollum dressed better. I really wish I could be there to see Sarumoron's and Yokel's faces when they finally get to see these unedited broadcasts after the show's run is all over, and see themselves getting played by a creeping troll and a lying skank.

Emerging from the BB House for the Veto competition, the houseguests found the yard filled by a prop department jungle, with hundreds of bananas strewn about. Sarumoron showed rare deductive powers when he asked "Bananas! Is Casey going to be around?" For once, in fact, for the only time this week, well, this decade, well, in his entire life, he was right. Casey, now officially a friend of this blog (Hi Casey, and Hi Casey's Mom!) (Casey's Mom reads these recaps also. God, I hope Chima doesn't.), was indeed present, if only in sound, for his disembodied voice emceed the competition, asking them BB trivia-related questions, the answers to which were written on the bananas which the houseguests had to retrieve. Is the person who comes up with these challenges doing it as their job or as part of their court-ordered therapy?

Casey got to demonstrate his - ah - skill as a "white rapper". Have I mentioned lately how much I loathe rap? Casey is not so much Vanilla Ice as Vanilla Banana Split.

Casey was inside "Otev the Ape." Yokel actually managed to figure out that "Otev" is "Veto" spelt in reverse. This was the biggest intellectual leap she's ever made. I was amazed they didn't finally hand her the grade school diploma that has eluded her all these decades.

Now the only hope at this point for Russell to survive the week is for him or The Doctor to win this competition. I was hoping past all despair that he was more used to handling fruit than he seemed when asking Gollum how he knew he was gay. I knew from seeing his nude picture that he at least was experienced at handling a large banana.

But no. It was the Lord of Dimness who turned out to be the best banana wrangler, with Dr. Michele coming in a close second. Casey celebrated by making ape roars, which brought a tear to my thigh as it awoke in my mind memories of my long ago affair with King Kong. Ah, dear Kong. Talk about hung!

Sarumoron received Veto requests from first Gollum and then Dr. Michele in the kitchen, but I never heard a word, because I was distracted by the fact that they left the refrigerator door standing open the whole time. "Close the damn fridge!" I kept yelling at my TV. Were these people raised in barns?

Skankalie and Gollum both assured Sarumoron that, should either of them win Head of Household, he would not go on the block next week. Sarumoron bought it lock, stock, and baloney, as well as making a substantial down payment on the Brooklyn Bridge.

Yokel to Sarumoron: "It's funny. You've only known me a couple months [Actually it's just been a month and a half], but you know me down pat." Yokel dear, even the Dim Lord can read a comic book in half an hour. (And who is "Pat" anyway?)

And so came The Betrayal of Unnumbered Tears. Sarumoron took Gollum off the block, and back-doored Russell, and not in the good way either. He is so not gay. "Thank you Jesus," squealed Gollum, inexplicably thanking a long-dead, Bronze Age evangelist who had nothing to do with this horror. (And Jesus, as I vaguely recall from seeing Jesus Christ Superstar, wasn't big on rewarding lies and liars. I don't think he said "Lie and backstab unto others before they lie and backstab unto you." But I could be mistaken. I'm no Christian.) Watching Gollum and Skankalie jumping up and down, squealing with joy, made me projectile vomit, and I hate wasting good vodka, or even bad vodka.

Thursday: Triumph of the Troll!

Watching Gollum's evil plan come to - ah - fruition, and seeing my beautiful Russell's fall, did not make for pleasant viewing. To cheer myself up again afterwards, I had to rewatch Chima's meltdown and expulsion. What good times those were.

Russell, knowing that the knives were out for him (and with Sarumoron's knife already deep in his spine), took a unique approach to trying to charm the houseguests into voting for him: loudly berating and verbally abusing them.

Dr. Michelle knew she needed to jump ship on Russell to survive herself. Goodbye to her vote.

The Lord of Dimness went out into the yard to face Russell's music. The Doctor, Gollum and Skankalie trotted out to watch. One expected them to bring cokes and popcorn for the show. Michele did bring churros, but not enough for everyone. Right off we got this brilliant display of logic and arithmetic:

Russell: "We set a Final Four deal, right? That's it."

Sarumoron: "Yeah, Final Four, and you and Michele had a Final Two deal. So that's breaking the Final Four deal."

Huh? Apparently Yokel has been tutoring Sarumoron in math, if he thinks they'll whittle down to two before they whittle down to four. And everyone on earth, even aborigines in the Australian Outback, knows that Sarumoron and Yokel have a Final Two deal in place, sealed with no sex.

But then Russell crossed a line, and threatened Sarumoron with physical violence (I assume mixed-up martial arts) in the Sequester House. Not a civilized way to play. This is a truly bitter breakup. Any moment now one of them will be screaming "I want my records back!"

Skankalie went scurrying in to fetch Yokel to come defend what would be her man if she'd actually have sex with him.

Russell tried sweet-talking Gollum into voting to keep him. "I can't stand the guy," said Gollum of the hottest man around. So Gollum dresses horribly and he can't stand the most gorgeous man there. Is he really gay, or merely effeminate? I suspect he's just trying to pass. I'll bet his lover is a girl, a really masculine girl, with very poor eyesight.

While working out shirtless, with his magnificent pecs pumped to the extreme, looking yummy delicious, Russell again went on the verbal attack, telling Sarumoron of his winning the Coup D'etat (which was what saved Russell two weeks ago), "America felt sorry for you that I laid into your ass, so they gave you the power." Why would that make America feel sorry for The Lord of Dimness? It would make me envy him! Oh Russell, that slippery old soap just slipped from my grasp. I'm completely defenseless.

While Sarumoron dabbled his feet in the hot tub, looking at Chima's microphone rusting on the bottom, Yokel fired back into Russell, and finally charged over and slammed her boobs into his flawless chest.

Hey BB producers: isn't that an automatic ejection violation? She physically attacked Russell with deadly weapons. I am far from surprised that Yokel would use her boobs as weapons; they are filled with silicone, the same substance rocks are made from. They're lethal! She should have been expelled at once! She could have seriously dented Russell's nipples. Shortly thereafter, Russell referred to Yokel as "Fatty." Russ, she's a "dopey," not a "fatty." Russell then screamed abuse at the three people who would be voting. At this rate, he could lose an election to John McCain.

Last week Julie Chenbot expressed highly-charged anticipation to see the fireworks she felt would result when Lydia was put into the Sequester House with her now-hated, former object of adoration, and bed-tent snack, Jessie. So off to the Sequester House went the cameras, where Jessie had had a week in Heaven, alone with himself. Talk about steamy! It was a week of posing and flexing in every room. I didn't know it was even possible to "wear out" a mirror, let alone wear out five of them in a single week, but Jessie managed, as he pranced about the house in skin tight lavender pants, with stars on them yet! Jessie claims he's not gay, but lavender pants with stars? Sir Elton John wouldn't wear those, unless the stars were Hugh Jackman and Gerard Butler.

Then Lydia arrived, ready to wreak her bloodcurdling vengeance! Peeking through my fingers, I trembled watching her horrible revenge, a bloodbath that would make a Tarantino film look like a Disney cartoon! First she hugged him. (Gasp!) Then she called him a "Jerkapottomus," (God, no!) and CBS didn't even bleep it out! It's Family Hour. Children could be exposed to this filth!

Then the fight of the century began in earnest. She gave him three baby punches to his granite pecs. By the third one, he'd actually noticed. Then she sat down and made goo-goo eyes at him. It was fiendish. I hope you're happy now, Julie!

Then they watched a DVD of Chima's meltdown and firing. Jessie's jaw dropped lower than it had the time he knelt before Governor Schwarzenegger when he saw Chima throw her mike in the hot tub. If that's available on DVD, I want one in Blu-Ray Hi-Def.

The sequester Idyll ended on ...

Lydia: "I'm happy because I get a week with you."

Jessie: "Uuuuuh! I'd be happy too, if I was you."

So he'd be happy if he was her because he'd have a week alone with himself? He just had a week alone with himself! Is it being gay to lust for oneself so much, one wishes to be a girl, so you could get screwed by yourself? Jessie's galaxy-class narcissism has entered the realm of time-space paradox. He's more confusing than season 5 of Lost.

Given that Julie now looks like she's carrying an entire litter of babies, when she asked Yokel why she pushes Sarumoron away whenever he goes for a kiss, I expected her to reply "So I don't end up looking like you. You're a blimp!"

There was no suspense to the voting. Russell was dead man sitting. I was sobbing into my vodka, The worst of it was, Russell is off to the Sequester House. I can't even invite him over for a cheer-up shag. Russ, after the finale, there's a consolation good time waiting for you in my bed.

Russell left with class, hugging with good humor all the people who had backstabbed him and voted him out. In their goodbye messages, neither Sarumoron nor Yokel Ohno showed the same level of class. (Well, in Yokel's case, she can't be expected to show what she has never had in the first place.) The Dim Lord said: "You're a very unclassy guy. Your friends, if you have any, should be ashamed." Yokel said: "I've never been so disrespected before. [Well, she hasn't had a chance to read my columns yet. I take second place to no one in not respecting this ignorant bimbo.] I don't think you would like it if someone called your sister fat." Did Russell call Yokel's sister fat? Does Yokel have a sister? (I hope not.) Does Russell have a sister? Is she fat? Does he have a brother, if you know what I mean? Anyway, Yokel, take comfort; you are not fat. You are stupid.

They had yet another HOH competition that didn't end until after the live show ended. I repeat: I hate these! This one was particularly tedious. Julie Chenbot introduced it thusly: "Now as kids, we all went camping, and nothing made us happier than a good old fashioned s'more." Speak for yourself, Julie. Besides, it's clear you've had s'nough. I only went camping when forced to by my insane parents. (Why would you want to sleep in a tent when there are comfortable motels nearby?) And I dislike s'mores, as I am so not a fan of marshmallows. My idea of camping is a night in a gay club with queens who are a lot more fun than Gollum, and all I want s'more of is Russell.

And then they called the challenge The S'more, the Merrier. Excuse me? My personal blog is titled The Morehead the Merrier. Rip-off of me or tribute to me? Well so far, CBS hasn't invited me to a live eviction show. Obviously because Julie Chenbot fears my legendary glamor and beauty would upstage her, as indeed, it would. If you don't want to know who won until it's revealed on Sunday's show, stop reading here.

[Spoiler Alert]

The title I gave Thursday's grief-filled show was Triumph of the Troll. What did you think that meant? In a travesty of horror, Gollum won HOH. The laugh is likely to be on Sarumoron. Where's Shelob when you need her?

You know, the English edition of Big Brother got cancelled this week. Think about that, Alison Grodner. Until next week, cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The S'Morehead, the S'Merrier.