Big Brother 11: Heck Hath No Fury.
"I'm melting, melting. What a world. What a world. Who would have thought a good little girl like you could destroy my beautiful wickedness?"-The Wicked Witch of the West (My darling Margaret Hamilton), The Wizard of Oz.
On last week's eviction episode of Big Brother, they announced that this would be a double-eviction week, with a surprise second eviction sprung on the guests this Thursday with "a whole week of Big Brother in one hour." Well things didn't work out as planned. Two houseguests still departed, but things went gloriously awry. I ended this column last week with the fervent hope that one of them would be Chima, the Wicked Bitch of the West. (She even lives in West Hollywood. How appropriate!) Well I got my wish. Oh boy, did I! It was one of the best weeks in BB history. Let's dive in.
Sunday. The Pity Party.
Starting up during last week's eviction ceremony, we saw that Chima is, without question, The World's Poorest Sport. They should give her a trophy, preferably clubbing her over the head with it.
In the Diary Room, discussing her reaction to Gandoofus hexing her plots with the Coup D-etat, Chima said, "I wanted to "Shout out loud _______!" Louder please, Chima dear. We couldn't hear your classy obscenity.
Jessie said of his nomination and ouster, "It's a good move. It is." Chima, when Jessie is a better sport than you are, you're a mess.
During a commercial break of last week's live show, this exchange occurred: Gandoofus: "You don't control anything, Chima, just so you know."
Chima: "You usurped my power." No, America did. And you were always told this could happen, so you knew you never had any power, but you just refused to believe it.
Natalie on Jessie's eviction: "Waaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!" Grow up. "The ugly and the bad get rewarded in this game." No, Chima was fired, not rewarded. Oh! You meant...
Gollum: "[Jessie] is exactly what America thinks he is. He is this self-involved, egomaniac, megalomaniac." Gollum is the Voice of Reason? By the way, Gollum, your clashing plaids are making my eyes bleed.
Jordan to Gandoofus: "You had me so fooled. I had no clue." And what else is new, Jordan?
So Chima, Lydia, Natalie and Gollum, a.k.a. Chima's Coven, held a Pity Party to plot against Russell.
Dr. Michele won Head of Household. The two factions, The Bromance Alliance and Chima's Coven, took opposite approaches to wooing Dr. Michele. The Bromancers kissed her butt, while the Coven threatened her. Guess which she cottoned to.
Russell, wearing glasses to look smart, actually had a non-screamed conversation with The Doctor, and they declared a truce. Russell: "Part of it was my fault." Part of it?
The Coven was toasting Jessie, calling him "Mr. Pectacular," a nickname Jessie, with his characteristic modesty, invented for himself. Natalie, weeping and half-drunk (well maybe not half) said of Jessie: "He had such a good spirit, and such a good presence, soul." Natalie, two points:
1. He's not dead. And ...
2. No he doesn't.
Listening to Chima's Coven discuss Jessie like a fallen war hero, Gollum wanted to puke, but he stayed there. Why don't you leave these idiots, Goll? They're losers, and they'll take you down with them.
Chima: "That's the thing. [Jessie] never said anything bad about anybody in this game." Chima, try visiting earth sometime.
Lydia: "And you know he would pray for all of us, all the time." Even if that's true, and I don't believe it for a moment (Why would Jessie pray? He is his god. Does he need to pray to himself?) that would just mean he's superstitious as well as self-involved. Not a plus.
Chima: "The person that never spoke ill of anybody in this house [Who is that? President Obama? It's certainly not Jessie.] is gone, and it's wrong. And the person who's talked about everybody in this house is still here." Yes Chima, you were still there - then.
Natalie, dripping bitter sarcasm: "Thanks America. You're real stand-up people." Remember America, Natalie hates you, just like Chima does.
When The Doctor said she was thinking of putting up Chima, Russell nearly exploded with joy. He was making the same face I was.
The Reward Challenge was to win food for all for the week. Chima had become so apathetic that she just sort of walked through it, like the zombie she resembles at the best of times, even though they had a limited amount of time, and the idea was to get everyone, including the only person she cares about, herself, off slop. She just couldn't be bothered.
This challenge involved tasting and matching mystery crap casseroles. Jordan: "One of the casseroles that I first tried was something salty and fishy." Was she tasting the damp spot on her mattress after a late-night visit from Gandoofus? The only people to fail to match cassaroles was Gandoofus and Jordan. Jordan thinks "Tastes Bad" is a match.
Chima to Russell: "Don't look at me." Chima, no one wants to look at you. It's not a pleasurable experience.
They ran a short segment of Lydia yapping about her stuffed baby unicorn, "Mr. Yum Yum." (It's a fake unicorn. No live baby unicorns were harmed in the making of Lydia's pathetic stuffed companion.) She's so street. I didn't see the whole segment, as it made me physically ill.
Jordan and Gandoofus got pretend engaged. (At least I hope it's "pretend.") Gandoofus said, "Jordan would make a great wife." How? Out of a quilt? Gandoofus, I'd tell you to reread the chapters of Dickens's David Copperfield about his doomed marriage to his pretty-but-hopelessly-stupid first wife Dora, except it would do no good. You don't read. There's a very good movie of it with W. C. Fields you could watch though.
The Doctor nominated Chima and Natalie. Good choices, two of the three most immature houseguests.
Tuesday: The Chima Syndrome.
This was the Best Episode of Big Brother of All Time: Chima's nuclear meltdown. As a bonus, it had none of Chima's irritating laughing at her own non-jokes.
My friend Dame Edna Everage often refers to PLOM Disease, that is Poor Little Old Me Disease. Chima has a terminal case, and Natalie and Lydia have life-threatening cases as well. The Ptiy Party had become a Self-Pity Orgy.
At one point Dr. Michele started a sentence with, "Even though I really like Chima as a person..." How? Why?
Gandoofus on Chima: "She was one the hugest bitches I've ever met in my whole life." Such wisdom couched in such lousy grammar.
Gollum to Chima: "If you left, you would be screwing me. You would be screwing us who are left." Gollum, your logic assumes that Chima gives a crap about someone besides herself. Get a clue.
Chima on the Bromance Alliance: "I'm not giving them the satisfaction of voting me out of this house." No, you're going to give them (and me) a far greater satisfaction.
We had a montage of Chima's rule-breaking. She apparently thinks the producers work for her. She works for them. After watching her on this show, who in their right mind would hire her for any job?
Sometimes when a real bitch like Chima defends herself, she'll say "If a man behaved like this, you'd just call him a strong man, but when a woman is strong, she's a bitch." A man behaving like Chima would get fired also. I have had a request not to refer to Chima as a bitch, but it came from an organization of female dogs.
We didn't see on TV the extent of her acting out. We saw a practice golf run put out for the houseguests to practice for what was then thought to be a Power of Veto Challenge. We did not see Natalie try to monopolize it "all night" to keep any Bromancers from learning how to play it. Along with being childish, it ignored the fact that Russell and Gandoofus already golf.
We saw no hint that Lydia was taking Gandoofus's clothes and possessions, and hiding them all over the house. We saw Chima sitting on the washers and dryers, but didn't know she'd been there all day, for the stated purpose of preventing anyone else using them and doing any laundry, while she washed loads of one sock at a time. The pettiness, bad sportsmanship and childishness of these three ghastly, spoiled, immature women was reaching epic proportions, but you could only see it on the live feeds.
All day, Chima kept refusing to wear her microphone. The houseguests are contractually required to wear them twenty-four hours a day. She refused. She hadn't gotten her way in the game, and so she refused to play by the rules. This climaxed when Chima tossed her $5000 mike into the hot tub, ruining it.
Chima: "The whole f___ing week was like Ha, ha, look at Chima. She thinks she's running things. She's not." Yes it was. That was what had made it so good.
Finally Allison Grodner, the Executive Producer, the Big Boss. Mom, had to stage an intervention. She got Chima to go to the Diary Room. (After endlessly repeated polite requests) As Chima headed there, Natalie was saying, "It'll be fine honey. And tomorrow you're going to win the POV, and then on Thursday you're going to win the HOH, and you're going to put these bastards on the block. And it's going to be vend - vindi - and when you do that, it's gonna be 'This is for Natalie and Jessie!'"
When she does all that, Natalie, swine will be soaring out of your seat. Natalie, you haven't been this delusional since you thought you were having a showmance with Jessie. This diva isn't returning. The bitch ain't back. Guards were waiting for her in the Diary Room, as we heard Allison say, "All right, don't even sit down. Go out this way." (The screen showed a caption saying "All right, no need to sit down" but we could hear Allison saying what I've written here.) And Chima was gone, evicted. FIRED! Don't be fooled by Chima's self-serving emails to the media to the effect that she quit. (Still under contract to CBS, she is not allowed to speak to news media.) She was fired.
I see it like this:
Allison: "You're fired."
Chima: "You can't fire me. I'm Chima! I rule the universe! I quit!"
Allison: "You can't quit. We just fired you."
Chima: "You can't fire me because I just quit!"
Allison: "Sayid, take this bitch out back and 'explain' things to her."
JOY! The only sad aspect of all this was we didn't get a bitter, angry exit interview with the Chenbot. But if I were pregnant (Heaven forbid!), I wouldn't want to come within arm's reach of that crazy harridan.
When Gollum suggested that the producers were going to make Chima pay for the mike, Lydia said, "[Gollum], it dropped out of her hand of her hand." and Natalie said at the same time, "It fell out of her hand." Yes. It fell/dropped upwards out of her hand as she deliberately tossed it into the hot tub. Don't those two idiot girls (they are too immature to deserve the title 'women.') remember that everything they do is on camera??? I've seen the clip over and over. Chima threw it in the pool.
The Voice of Goddess (Allison) summoned all the houseguests to the living room for the Big Announcement: "I have an announcement to make. It was very clear Chima did not want to follow the rules of the game. And tonight she made the decision to willfully destroy her microphone, a piece of production equipment that you all are very much aware is a big violation. For this reason, and because of multiple rule violations, She needed to be expelled. ... I will make an announcement tomorrow on how this will affect nominations"
Just to show that he could be even lamer than he already has been, Gollum wept and bewailed over this joyous event.
Natalie, never at a loss on how to react like a child, began blaming it all on The Doctor. One person, and one person alone was responsible for Chima's meltdown and expulsion: Chima herself.
"No," said Lydia, having a rare mature reaction, "Natalie, now is not the time."
Natalie was not to be stilled by reason. "It couldn't have not got worse for her, at all," she blathered in a bewildering pile-up of non-grammatical triple negatives. She went on and on about how unfair it was when Chima's HOH power was overruled, ignoring the fact that if Russell had been HOH, and if Chima had been granted the Coup D'etat power (If it had been voted on by Martians instead of Americans), Chima would have used it and gloated over it unmercifully. It was only "unfair" because it wasn't Chima who had it. "The only reason I'm staying right now is because I want vendiction." Is vendiction anything like technotronics?
Lydia said, "Every day we have a choice in this house: we have a choice to abide by the rules or break the rules. Chima made a choice."
Lydia being so reasonable and sensible left Natalie bewildered and disoriented. "What happened to you, Lydia? You just turned all around all of a sudden," said Natalie, ready to check under Lydia's bed for a giant seed pod.
The decision was that, since one of The Doctor's nominees had left, her reign as Head of Household was over, two days in. Some posters on my column for last week complained that this was unfair to The Doctor, but she was okay with it.
The miniature golf competition originally planned to be the POV challenge was repurposed into an HOH challenge.
Russell, who actually plays golf (why?) almost won, but had an unlucky bounce which almost allowed Gandoofus to win, however, the Wizard deliberately tanked his last putt, allowing Jordan to take HOH. Very classy, and bound to get him laid.
Natalie competed with her hair done up like Minnie Mouse. "I have been running this house," said Natalie, continuing her trip into a delusional state on a level unseen since Norman Bates hid his mother in the fruit cellar.
Lydia, after a few cocktails, referred to Gandoofus's Wizard power as a "Coup D'crap." It was funny, even as she further retreated into childish behavior. But then, she won the booby prize of wearing the "Captain Unitard" outfit. In the spirit of good sportswomanship which she must have learned from Chima, Lydia then called Jordan a "Whore Puppet" for winning, and then went and sat in a corner, hollering at everyone obscenities that were bleeped out. As they sang in Chicago, "Whatever happened to class?"
Lydia and Natalie, in an attack of even greater childishness, went to the kitchen and dumped all Dr. Michele's beer down the sink. They poured booze down a drain! Evil cows! And they weren't fired also? Talk about a double standard! All that insane gigashrew Chima did was destroy a $5000 piece of electronic equipment. Lydia and Natalie wasted alcohol! Isn't that a war crime? Not so much inglorious bastards (I apologize for spelling it correctly), as in-gluteus maximus.
"Why don't you go back to being a scientist no one cares about?" was Lydia's pathetic excuse for a verbal snap at Dr. Michele, the lamest insult since Braden told Lydia to "Go back to Burbank," in the first week. Yes, what is more pathetic than having an education and contributing to the knowledge of mankind, when you can be a "special effects make-up person" with a billion tattoos and the emotional maturity of a bad-tempered one-year-old? You win, Lydia. (Nothing against special-effects make-up as a field. How do you think I remain so young and beautiful at 112? And without it, Quentin Tarantino couldn't make a movie. Oh wait. That's a count against it.) You know, they shouldn't have called this season "Return to High school." They should have called it "Return to Pre-School," or maybe "Pre-Skule."
Lydia then decided that Chima shouldn't be the only woman to meltdown this week, and began ranting and screaming, demanding to be evicted (an odd strategy for winning $500,000), and shouting abuse at everyone in sight. Natalie, in her first smart move all week, kept her mouth shut. Admittedly, Lydia was drunk, but I've been drunk non-stop since 1915, and I don't behave like this. We had this priceless moment:
Russell: "Why are you slurring your words?"
Lydia: "You Russell, I'm nah slurrin' my whurrs." (Everyone but Lydia roared with laughter.)
Jordan on Lydia: "I didn't do anything to her, and she called me a whore, and she called me fat." That's absurd. Jordan is slim as a rail.
Now even Gandoofus was hollering, while Russell just stood and watched silently. In fact, Russell didn't get into any shouting matches all week. It's Bizarro World.
In her HOH letter from home, Jordan read (Yes! Apparently Jordan can read. I'm as shocked as you!): "I have good and exciting news. We're moving this weekend to a farm." This is what I would call horrifying news, not that I blame Jordan's mother for moving while Jordan is away, but the effect is ruined if you tell her where you're moving to. I've always said, "How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm, after they've seen the farm?" The letter continued, "Jordan, you will have your own room." I bet it's a really small room, away from the house, one seat, and a half-moon on the door. It turns out that, at 22, Jordan doesn't have her own room yet. Time to move out, Jordan.
Jordan nominated Lydia and Natalie, not the biggest twist of all-time. Jordan's nomination speech was the usual "You're strong players" garbage they always say, rather than something a little franker, like "I nominated the two of you because you're a pair of crazy, childish shrews." To Natalie she threw this lame consoling thought: "You still have the Veto to play."
"And I plan on winning it," said Natalie, her mouth writing a rubber check.
"I'm not just going to lay down and let them drive their wicked bus over me," said Lydia, the woman who, a few minutes earlier, had been screaming "EVICT ME!" at everyone. Who knew they had the Wicked touring company bus at the Big Brother house?
"I can smell the money," said Natalie. No Nat, what you're smelling is Lydia sweating up a storm in that Captain Unitard outfit.
Thursday: Tattoo Removal.
The Voice-Over Announcer, in recapping the week on Thursday, said, "At the nomination ceremony, it was a no-brainer for Jordan." How fortunate. That's the only type of task Jordan is up to handling.
Said Lydia of her fourth nomination, "This is just a poopy feeling." Back to Pre-Skule!
"When I win the veto," said Natalie, "Michele needs to watch out." With so many houseguests expecting pigs to fly out of their butts, the trees of Studio City must have more pork in them than a Senate appropriations bill.
Gollum, wearing purple with yellow (Gollum, are you certain you're gay? Because you have no fashion sense at all!), told Lydia, "you can still get the veto."
Lydia replied, "Uh, haven't you noticed that I can't win [crap] in this house?" I've noticed. But you're wrong, Lydia. That's the one substance you can win!
Gollum, realizing that Lydia was self-destructing, decided, like the rat he is abandoning a sinking ship, to switch his alliance from Lydia to Natalie. If he had a brain, he'd think about going over to the Bromance Alliance side, which is now everyone in the house except the three remnants of the Chima Coven.
Russell proposed an alliance to Dr. Michele "because I need you to get to the end with me, because I need a person who has been just as big as a villain." Maybe he should have allied with Palpatwit and Chima.
In a salacious night-vision flashback, we learned that while Jessie was HOH, Lydia had made a tent of blankets with Mr. Pectacular, and then basically given him my last name. Why do they waste so much airtime on challenges and strategizing (or as Jessie would be more likely to put it, "strategery"), when we could be seeing that?
Finally comparing notes on how Jessie had played them against each other, the coven girls bonded over what a jerk the man they were wailing over four days earlier had been. Are they:
A. Fickle?
B. Possessors of short attention spans?
C. Stupid?
Well Natalie then proposed, "We need to be the H. B. I. C. for once."
Lydia: "Head bitch in charge?"
Natalie: "Yeah. If the three of us stay this week, dude, we could turn this game around. All we have to do is send one of them home."
C. Stupid. More sky-bound bacon was taking off from their Hershey Highways.
Gollum decided that their only chance was to start lying about Russell, which Natalie "masterminded." Gollum was dispatched to lie to Jordan and Gandoofus about Russell. Gandoofus, no neuroscientist, actually believed this desperate, obvious fabrication. Even Gollum couldn't believe that he had been believed. He's Gollum for heaven's sake! How can you believe him? Next you'll trust him when he asks to hold your "Precious" just for a moment. "I'll give it back, honest."
Time for a live POV challenge, live POV ceremony, live eviction vote, and a live HOH competition.
When Lydia told the Chenbot that she now hated Jessie, and that if she got evicted this week, she'd be giving him hell in the sequester house, Julie dropped her impartiality for a moment and said, "Whoa. I kinda want to see you leave tonight, to see that all happen." Your wish will be the houseguests command, Julie, although I think, in all honesty, that within a few hours of entering the Sequester House, Jessie will have Lydia eating out of the palm of his hand, or actually, out of the fly in his pants.
You know, they say that if you listen to Mozart or Shakespeare while you're pregnant, your child will be born more intelligent, and with good taste in high culture. Julie is listening to the goings-on in the Big Brother house every day while pregnant. I'm afraid her baby will be born a stupid rageaholic, incapable of learning to tell time or do simple math. The question won't be "Is it a boy or a girl?" It will be "Is it a musclehead or a skank?" It may be the first baby ever born already tattooed.
Natalie had won a call from home as her prize in the HOH competition. She was called by the father who raised this immature idiot skank. How can he show his face in public, let alone on CBS, when his failure as a father is being nationally broadcast? He told her he's proud of her, when he should be saying how deeply shamed he is by her atrocious behavior. He said he watches every show with her boyfriend Jason. Her dad is dating her boyfriend behind her back? What an Oedipal nightmare! I assume this is Jason getting revenge on Natalie for having her imaginary showmance with Jessie on TV. I couldn't believe she had a boyfriend. If she's in a relationship, what the hell was she doing with Jessie? Well "Jason" and "Jessie" are very similar names. Maybe she got them confused.
We had this touching testament to Natalie's security in her father's love:
Dad: "Jason and I watch every episode together."
Natalie: "Really? Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday?"
No Natalie. Thursday is his bowling night. He likes you and all, but you can't expect him to watch every episode! After all, you know how much he loves Who Wants to be a Millionaire?. You may be his daughter, but you're no Regis!
The POV competition was a quiz on things that had occurred in the game so far. The questions were so easy that Jordan won. Natalie's fierce determination to win got her eliminated on the second question, as was Lydia. Even Gollum lasted longer than they did, though not by much.
Jordan left her nominations as they were, so the liars' plan to backdoor Russell fizzled out, and Chima's Coven was doomed. Only Gollum voted to keep Lydia. I'll give Lydia this, for once the departing houseguest left without hypocritically hugging the people who voted to evict her. She explained it to The Chenbot thusly:
"[Gollum's] my true sugar bear. He's my best friend in the house, and he's the only person I want to see win this game. Everyone else can kick rocks." Language, Lydia! You're on CBS. That sort of gutter talk may be acceptable out on the playground during recess, but you're speaking to Jule Chenbot. There's a fetus in the room. (Albeit, the fetus is already more mature than Lydia.) I'm shocked, shocked!
They had another annoying HOH competition that didn't have a winner when the show ended. I hate that! If you don't want to know who won HOH before it's revealed on Sunday night, stop reading now.
[SPOILER ALERT!]
The HOH for next week, or until the next houseguest self-destructs, is our lovely Gandoofus. Natalie and Gollum, the last scraggly members of Chima's Coven are in big trouble, which is fine by me. Until next week, Cheers darlings.
To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to
The Morehead, the Merrier.
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SO buying your book.
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And a wise purchase that will be. If only you'd had it with you while you were imprisoned IN the BB House, to conteract the insanity of Chima and the ickiness of Palpatwit.
Cheers Casey darling. I'm somking a banana in your honor, and he's not complaining.
I've been watching Big Brother since day one and I've *never* seen anyone as vile as Chimera (since a chimera is defined as "a fire-breathing female monster with a lion's head and a goat's body and a serpent's tail" I can't imagine any name more descriptive).
She was fine with the game as long as it suited her and her alliance. She railed through the house preaching about being a strong woman. But at the precise moment Jeff stood up to use the "wizard power," Chimera became a whiney, pouting child.
But as happy as I was to see her go (and trust me, happy doesn't even begin to describe it), she did provide for a lot of good television. Jessie's wake especially delighted me. I laughed until I cried when they mourned about how he prayed for everyone in the house. Wow. *Sure* he did ... and in other news, George Bush won a Pulitzer Prize for his autobiography entitled, "Strategery for Dummies or How To Ruin The World In Just 2,920 Days."
Your column is just AMAZING ... funny as hell. I can't wait to read your take on this week's nonsense now that Gandoofus is in charge ... especially since I've heard that he and Russel got in a screaming match on the live feeds that included at least one threat to "cut your balls off." Whoa! Wonder if CBS will show THAT? LOL
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Appropriate as "Chimera" is as a description of Chima, there is one crucial difference: Chimeras are mythical, whereas Chima, sadly, is not. I'd prefer things the other way around.
You should talk with previous poster "Kiaha Long" below. She worships the ground Chima has tantrums on.
Chima's childishness surfaced as early as week 1, when she threatened to quit the first time over having to sleep in the Have-Not room. This is the same psychobitch who later lied "I am so not a diva." Well if a diva has to have talent to back up her tantrums, then she's right.
Funny as the idea of George Bush writing a book titled "Strategery for Dummies" is (and that IS very funny), a man who doesn't read books, or even his daily security briefings, is hardly likely to write a book. I assume that when the George W. Bush Presidential Library is built, it will contain only coloring books. (George not bothering to read the crucial "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in the US" briefing always reminded me of Woody Allen's stand-up line about getting kidnapped, and his father waiting until bedtime to read the ransom note, and then putting it on the nightstand half read, and never finishing it.)
This week should make for good material, what with the heartbreaking imploding of the Bromance Alliance. Is Jordan their Yoko? Has Gandoofus become Saruman? If Russell cuts off Gandoofus's balls, can I have them? Time will tell.
Cheers.
Where can I find that NSFW Russell shower pic
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Well I found it on a gay site weeks ago. I no longer remember which one, once it was safely downloaded into my file. Try Googling for "Nude Russell Big Brother 11" That young man is well equipped.
Thanks Tallulah. That thing really is a 'love muscle'. LOL It must get a lot of exercise because it's huge.
I like Chima!, she keeps it real. I don't agree with your article at all. I was routing for an african american to win this game. When was the last time you seen a minority win this game other
then Jun. By the way Natalie is not hated, you forgot to mention Jordon's lack brain she is the most
dumb person on this game show. And Michelle is just there for friends. Her game is stupid she is
not going to win this game at all. I don't blame Chima for what she did, she broke down when
she was betrayed by michelle and she knew she was going home. I give Chima alot of credit for being a rape victim and she was a strong player. Neither of those sentiments were in your story.
And the coup de' tat was just a way for Cbs to ruin this game they knew jessie and his gang were
running the show so they wanted jeff to win. It's all stagged for ratings. Same thing that happened
to Janelle in her season. Big brother is boring now to watch Jeff is boring , so is russell ...
I could care less who wins now we won't see a lebanese win thats for sure...
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Welcome Kiaha. Is this your first visit to Earth? I look forward to reading you after you master our tongue. Jordan is indeed an idiot, but to hear her called stupid by someone who can not construct a coherent sentence, and who employs worse grammar than Gandoofus is amusing at best.
Chima is a world-class poor sport. She is a raving narcissist. (Look it up) She has the emotional maturity of a badly-raised two year old, and she's a hypocrite, accusing others of racism and then racistly attacking Russell.
The producers do not care who wins. They are not weighting the game to favor anyone. Nothing is "stagged" (you probably meant "staged") by CBS to help one person win over another. That is just paranoia.
Michele did not "betray" Chima. Michele is playing for herself, just as Chima is playing only for herself. And it was Chima who got Chima tossed out.
Natalie is hated by many, indeed, by anyone who values maturity over childishness and pettiness.
You are welcome to "rout" for whomever you chose, though most of us "root" for our favorites. Frankly, I enjoy seeing Chima routed (in the correct sense of the word) quite a great deal.
(continued in next comment)
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(Pt. 2, continued from above)
I have not "forgot[ten] to mention Jordon's lack [of] brain". I have dwelt on it at length is column after column, as it is good for lots of jokes. However, she shows VASTLY greater maturity than Chima ever did.
Chima told Russell essentially (seen on the feeds, not on the network) that she hoped he'd go to prison and get raped. For a rape victim to wish rape on someone else - for ANY reason - let alone for petty reasons like beating her on a game show and annoying her, is vile beyond belief.
You are welcome to your nutty, illiterate opinions, but your final remark, "we won't see a lebanese (sic) win thats for sure," was tremendously racist itself. In any event, it's a silly game show we're comenting on for fun, not a matter worthy of heated emotions and tortured sentences.
Thanks for commenting. Please come back next week for more. Cheers.
What I don't like about you: I didn't think of it first!
What I do like: You are an amazingly talented writer. Laugh-out-loud funny! Do you also blog on politics?
I'm off to read your other writin'...
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I sometimes mention politics in my personal blog, particularly when I do my annual "Good Riddance List" of the people who died that year who will NOT be missed, but I'm not really a political writer; just an entertainer, which is why I cover SURVIVOR, BIG BROTHER and ENTERTAINMENT AWARD SHOWS. My form of snark is best employed against the relentlessly trivial.
"I'm off to read your other writin'..."
Being "off" is the best way to enjoy my work.
Cheers darling.
Again, "Kudos!" Still laughing ..........................
Do you think BB Production lost credibility by not evicting Natalie and Lydia
for their "attacks" on the other contestants?
Why not shake up the show and evict them as well? Scheduling be damned. Host a
Reunion Party Night with past contestants to fill up the time slots.
Also, I read Kevin and Natalie broke the rules by speaking Spanish to each other
which ended with a scolding but nothing more.
Double Shame on them for calling this beautiful language, "Pig Latin."
These folks are a riot to watch and at least are in the BB House or the Jury House
and not attending any Town Hall Meetings.
Ooops. Where is Chiama?
Correction: Chima
Busy Day Today ............. preparing to attend a Town Hall Meeting. Honest.
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"Do you think BB Production lost credibility by not evicting Natalie and Lydia for their 'attacks' on the other contestants?"
Frankly, I haven't any concept what "lost credibility" even means in this context. If I asked the BB Producers what time it was, and they said "2:13 PM," I'd probably believe them. If they said, "We are people of high taste and firm moral fiber," I'd probably say "Oh please, you produce BIG BROTHER." Their primary job is finding new ways to cover the houseguests in glop and slime. I'd be unlikely to vote for them for public office.
They're already short on jury members. As things are now, they'll have an even number on the jury, which could result in a tie. (Of course, Jessie thinks you can have a tie even with odd numbers. He's an odd number himself.) And they have a schedule to fill out. And I do NOT support putting Emperor Palpatwit onto the jury to make up the numbers. He's been home, reading blogs (Hi Dork!), and seeing the stuff the jury mustn't see, so he can't go in.
Why would speaking Spanish be against the rules? Anyway, It IS "Pig Latin" when those two swine speak it. (And are you saying Pig Latin is NOT a beautiful language? On behalf of pork, I'm offended!)
Cheers darling.
personal note to "tallulah:" in case you'd like to be timely...or know how things really are in the house, as per my post that apparently was way too "serious" for your column....
http://big-brother-11-blog.blogspot.com
http://bigbrothernetwork.com
the former is better than the latter; check out the live chat room; check out the comments. i knew everything that was to take place today, sunday, long before they edited it for tv. and it's better than paying for the "fish" feeds. plus, it's where i learned absolutely everything i posted to you earlier.
and it's posted as is happens, not a week or two later.
cheers. love your column!
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Thanks Char.
I read your earlier posted comment, and wrote a lengthy reply. I don't handle the moderation on these comments, so I am not the person who took your comment (and my replies) down. I don't know why they were removed, nor who did it. I am perfectly fine with serious replies, even if fun is our primary goal here.
My best guess is someone was afraid of legalities, libel, etc. Or maybe they were iffy about the - ah - prison-related remark. Anything that touches on Chima's incident ten years ago, they are touchy about here. I had to remove some remarks about Chima from my first BB posting back when the season began. I do not know. I was sorry they were taken down, as I thought your points were important as well as interesting.
For Chima to have said what you reported she said to Russell, given her own past experience, was beyond loathsame and beneath contempt.
Thanks for writing.
thank you tallulah - my faith is restored in you, my dear (and i know your real identity, you 112 yr old thang...LOL....)
but the prison thing was widely reported on most of the blogs by people who sit there and record everything that goes on in the live feeds. it was a horrific statement - and ms. chima supplied more that went absolutely beyond the pale.
i've seen people who didn't know about the live feed exploits wonder exactly why chima was evicted based on what they saw on tv.
the lydia incident was also widely reported on the blog sites.
xoxoxox to you; keep the columns coming! and kisses to little dougie....
Uh. Mah. Gaw, Ms. Morehead!
I said it before and I'll say it again, you are hilarious. Sadly I've been trying to ditch my parents' 74th & 75th birthdays to bogart my father's computer, while turning into Rainmain: "Must read Tallulah." "Ms. Tallulah's blog, on Friday, yeah".
But I digress. I couldn't have asked for a better opening than your comparison between Chima and the WW of the W. I cannot fathom how an educated adult gets yanked thru the downward spiral of a GAME. If ever there were a Poor Sport award in the Hall of Shame, she'd win. And don't get me started on the Coven. Actually, you already diagnosed it a zillion times better than I could ever articulate.. 'nuff said.
How perfect was Lydia's "we only got a taste of Jessie" ? Think before you speak, girl! And her drunken threats to win HOH being met by Gandoofus' equally perfect, "You go out first in every competition, how are you going to win anything?"
While I'm ancy to read your blog as the season winds down, I'm more in a panic as to what you might tackle next. Any chance you might blog about Grey's Anatomy or The Real Housewives of NJ?
PS: Might be a little TMI, but thought you'd take it as a compliment that I peed myself a little while LOL at this blog.
PSS: I'm also trying to drum up some readership by passing your blog around to everyone I know.
Salute!
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Lydia "only got a taste of Jessie"? I think she got more than just a "taste."
When BB ends I will be recapping SURVIVOR, as I did last Winter/Spring. (My SURVIVOR columns can all be found in my archive. Just click on "See Tallulah Morehead's profile" in the top left hand corner of this box.)
I would not want to subject myself to either Gray's Anatomy nor Real Housewives of ANYWHERE. I watched the first three seasons of Gray's Anatomy, until I realized I no longer cared about nor could stand any of the characters, and I haven't looked at it since. As for any REAL HOUSEWIVES show, I get too much of them just seeing clips on THE SOUP.
You'll have a hard time finding my recaps on Friday, as I usually spend Friday writing them, and they get posted on Saturdays.
Cheers darling.
I am a retired English teacher, and I have never commented online before! However, your writing is so witty, so full of allusions and just plain clever that I had to post a comment. Bravo, for your insightful, entertaining writing. I have watched all episodes of BB this season, and I am seriously laughing so hard right now; you are so "spot on" with your comments! Keep up the good work. I look forward to your next posting!
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My grandmother would be proud (even if the "salty & fishy" joke would have made her slap me!), as she was an English teacher also.
I do try to use a better-bring-your-brains-along style, since people need a wide-ranging set of cultural and historical references to catch everything.
Glad to have gotten your Internet Cherry.
Cheers darling.
Ouch! There is a typo in my posting. The word "Bravo" should not have a comma after it. This former English teacher needs to proofread more closely! (-:
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Well, as long as you're correcting yourself, "Bravo" should be Brava," unless you're implying something about my gender.
AMG.... I have never read your stuff before but I have to say I think you are awesome!
I was already extremely well-versed in the last weeks events but I found your article so entertaining I slowly savored the entire post while cackling maniacally and nodding in agreement.
Your writing style is excellent and your ability to break down complexities into bite sized digestible sentences is refreshing. =)
Besides.... you're clever! The Chima Syndrome? Nice!!!
Even if it does disqualify our sub-25 year old majority, digging up this reference to describe the nuclear meltdown of the Chima Pet.... Genius.
More pls... k thx.
-Da5id
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Well I was well past the age of 25 even 25 years ago, so I'm stuck referencing the whole of human history.
At my advanced age, I don't have that many teeth left, so bite-size, mushy nuggets are all I can handle.
I was rather glad that neither the person who recaps BB over at Entertainment Weekly, nor Julie Chenbot in her weekly BB blog used "The Chima Syndrome." I mean Chima was having a meltdown. It was screaming at me (much as Chima regularly does).
You'll get more bext week. Meanwhile, you can click on my profile and rad my recaps of the earlier episodes. There's one for each week.
Cheers.
OMG I am so glad that I found your column! It makes me LMAO! Too bad I didn't find you until now because I would have LOVED your commentary on BB7 All Stars with the drama that was Janelle, Dr. Evil Will and that loser Boogie. Anyhoo, your descriptions of this years "houseguests" is priceless. Jeff IS Gandoofus. He is sooo getting on my nerves now. Who does he think he is? Jessie 2.0? Now HE thinks he is running the show! I mean anyone who thinks "technotronics" is a word clearly isn't running anything. And even with a PHD in the house, when are these morons going to realize that Natalie is NOT 18 years old? BB kicked Chima to the curb for destroying a $5000 mic which "is a violation of the rules" so when is underage drinking not a "violation of the rules?" When someone is NOT underage that's when. Duh. Keep on keeping on Tallulah and TECHNOTRONICS to ya!
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The lovely Amy Sedaris once told me to keep on keeping on.
Gollum figured out that Natalie is not 18 back in episode 1.
I didn't cover BB7. In fact, this is the first BB I have chronicled. I have watched all of them, but this is the first time I've had a gig recapping. I recapped the last SURVIVOR here, and will be doing the next one.
The obvious reason no one has snapped to Natalie's "underage" drinking is, they're used to underage drinking in real life, so it just doesn't occur to them. But you'd think they could tell NAtlalie is older than 18 just by looking at her.
But these folks aren't all that bright, except The Doctor, and possibly Russell, who does have a college education.
I just wanted to comment about Jordan's living situation. She mentioned on the feeds that her dad gambled away the family's money as well as spent it on drugs and alcohol. As a result, her parents divorced and they also lost the home that they had been living in. They moved into a much smaller place and that is why Jordan has to share a room with her mom. She works 2 jobs in order to contribute to the family's bills.
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Well I knew about her working two jobs. It's mentioned in my first BB column. Hopefully she'll do well on the show. I assumed her father hadn't been Dad of the Year.
And at 22, it really is time to move out.
But the tone here is some fun and joking. Let's not harsh the high with grim reality.
Cheers.
Falling off my chair while Im LMAO.
Love these reviews.
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Thank you darling. May I suggest seat belts?
I just want to say it took me forever to read this column because I was LMAO. I kept scaring my dogs because I would just burst out laughing. I didn't know you had a column but I can't wait to check it out. You nailed it on the characters. If it's anything like this I can't wait for next week.
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Tell your doggies I'm sorry to have scared them, although my kitties are feeling a bit smug about it.
If you click on my profile, you can easily find my reviews of every episode of BB11 so far. Of course, all the others are dead serious. No wait. They're funny too. How could anyone take these bozos seriously?
Cheers darling.
Hi Tallulah,
I just read your BB11 article. It is the first timeI have read anything of yours. You are hilarious and a fantasticly talented writer! I am a forever fan now. I am hoping to read other articles of yours. I am not a "20 something" BB fan. I am a "young" 50 year old female. Thank you for a breath of "freshness".
Dianne
PS: If you do STAND-UP comedy, I will come see you for sure! You are soooo funny.
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Glad to have you aboard. Little Dougie, who types up all my columns for me is nearly 60, and I'm 112, so we're very senior-friendly here.
But you're a bit over a quarter of a century too late to see me doing stand-up. You could always read my book, MY LUSH LIFE. Meanwhile, there's almost 30 other articles by me here on this site. Just click on my profile for the links. And over at my personal blog, the link to which is above at the bottom of the column, has over 160 columns archived.
The link for buying my book is
http://www.amazon.com/My-Lush-Life-Douglas-McEwan/dp/0758202229/ref=cm_cr_pr_pb_t
Cheers darling. You have excellent taste.
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