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Big Brother 12: Tongue Digging

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"Your tongue will dig your grave, Memnet."
- Nina Foch to Dame Judith Anderson in DeMille's The Ten Commandments.

Sunday: This week, we rejoined the Head of Household surfing competition, already in progress.

Lane, aka "The Beast," and Brendon in wet shirts makes for pleasant viewing.

Enzo, aka, The Pussy: "We gotta drop grenades, and take dese people out." Does he have any grenades in the house? Oh and Pussy, if you're using grenades, I highly recommend that you throw them, rather than just drop them, or you'll be blowing yourself up, not that I have a problem with that.

Bitchney saying of the HOH challenge, "I need to win this," is truly pointless. The competition involved being wet and uncomfortable, and risking being a Have-Not for another week. You just know she will drop out early, and then whine about how unfair it is that she didn't win. She feels she should win it all just for showing up.

The Beast on Monet's speed-of-light departure: "Monet jumped out of that seat like a clown running from a bull." He must attend some very unusual circuses.

Bitchney: "I hope that the people who are responsible for Monet leaving get what's coming to them." Like a cash reward? Sainthood? The thanks of a grateful America? But really, Monet being gone is all the reward anyone could ask for.

Said Andrew, aka Captain Kosher, of the stationary surfing competition: "This ain't a Jew sport." Andrew darling, I've actually known some Jewish surfers. You always can tell them at the beach; they've trimmed off the tips of their surfboards.

Kathy tried to make us think that her falling off her board first was her strategy. She's trying to pass off being a major lame-o as her plan. Yes Kathy, you're a strategic genius. I wonder if she has a partner with whom she bamboozles perps by playing Good Cop/Incredibly-Stupid Cop.

When Hayden tumbled, he also claimed it was his strategy, only I believe him.

Then Miss "I need to win this to stay safe in the house" Bitchney jumped off to avoid being a have-not. Yes, she needed to win, except it might have meant more mild discomfort. I wish she could be drafted onto Survivor against her will. I'd love to see her suffering on that far-more-grueling show, eating bugs, and not showering at all for a month.

With the addition of The Beast, the four Have spots were now filled. Everyone else left up there would be a Have-Not except for the winner. In other words, these are the serious players, as opposed to the I'll-win-it-if-there's-not-too-much-effort-required wimps like Bitchney and Kathy. May I point out that gayboy Ragan is still going strong, while our butch boys, Hayden and The Beast, are out?

Captain Kosher's already-too-tight short-shorts, now that they were soaking wet, were leaving no doubt as to the authenticity of his Jewishness. The Pussy: "To me doze shorts don' look kosher." Doesn't it depend on how the shorts were killed? "If I wore dose tings in Jersey, forget about it bro, I'd have to move." Then please don't wear them, because no other state wants you.

"I can not let Matt win this HOH competition," said Brendon, who was about to let Matt win this HOH competition.

"I let down Jersey," said The Pussy after he lost his balance and fell. Meow Boy, you let down Jersey the minute you failed to pretend you were from The Bronx. "I'm giving myself de horns right now." He's cuckolding himself? How do you do that?

Brendon fell off next. So Brendon, the orthodox "shoe salesman," the nerdy "genius," and the gay guy have all just done better than you at an athletic competition. Hang your pretty head in shame.

Captain Kosher fell next, so now it was down to Ragan and Matt, aka Mr. Mensa.

"I actually trust Matt," said Ragan of the man who has told him that his wife has an imaginary bone disease. Ragan, I have some fantastic waterfront property in Florida I can let you have for a rock-bottom price, and today only, just for you, 50% off this bridge in Brooklyn I have to let go.

After the two-hour mark, when complimented on the amazing job he was doing, Ragan said: "What? You didn't think I had this in me?" Ragan, perhaps you would be better served not to stir up speculation as to what you've had in you.

At two hours and fifteen minutes, Ragan lost his balance, and Boobiac's worst nightmare (I mean besides silicone boobs being outlawed) came true; Ragan lost his balance, and Mr. Mensa became Head of Household for the week.

The Beast's elation that one of The Brigade had won expressed the peculiar world he lives in (Texas): "Matt, I want to punch you in the face, but in a good way." What is a "good way" to punch a person in the face? A jab? A left hook? Popeye's twister punch? And what does he do to people he's angry at? Kiss them, but in a bad way?

Boobiac was all weepy over the man whom she loudly and publicly betrayed and humiliated a few days earlier winning HOH. Well, maybe you should have considered that possibility before you pointlessly called him out in front of the whole house, and broke your word to him.

Boobiac took Mr. Mensa into one of the rooms for a private talk. "Like, I never wanted to attack you, or come after you..." she began lamely. Then why did you? No one forced you to. You did that all on your stupid own.

Mr. Mensa's position was simple and sensible: they had made a deal: he would voluntarily go on the block as a pawn, and all she had to do was keep the fact that he'd gone up of his own accord secret. He kept his word, she didn't keep hers. That sort of blatant betrayal generally has consequences.

And I told her to shut her stupid mouth when she began down that road to betrayal, right here in this column last week. You all read it. (Well, you didn't, but the rest of you did.), and she ignored my sage advice.

So further deals between them are unlikely. She dug her own grave with her tongue. Brendon must be spitting out soil after every kiss. I've heard of having a "dirty mouth," but this is ridiculous.

Bitchney finds The Pussy's New Jersey accent hilarious, like her Arkansas accent isn't just as awful. She said he sounds like a character from The Sopranos, in his mind the highest compliment he could ever receive, without for one second catching on that she herself sounds like one of The Beverly Hillbillies, light on the "Beverly Hills," heavy on the "hillbillies." Bitchney, neither one of you speaks like Julie Andrews.

Bitchney did have one accidentally funny question for him: "What else do you say wrong?" Well, he keeps mispronouncing "Bitchney" as "Britney."

In showing everyone around his HOH room (Now they all get to pretend to care about stuff they don't care about, just as he mentioned he does during HOH room tours last week.), Mr. Mensa showed off a picture of his wife taken lying on her side in a bar. Well, she may have bad taste in men, but she has good taste in where to be photographed. What he didn't tell us was if she was lying down because she'd drunkenly fallen off her bar stool (that's generally why I'm reclining in a bar, or a church picnic), or if she'd collapsed from her imaginary bone disease. But this much I'm fairly certain of: she was in the bar drinking to try to forget she was married to Mr. Mensa.

"Oh yeah, those are our wedding shot glasses," Mensie said, in a blatant attempt to impress me personally.

Captain Kosher, who last week had realized Mr. Mensa was lying about his wife's imaginary disease, misinterpreted her letter to him to be a confirmation of her fantasy ailment. Well, apparently you can fool all of the people some of the time. Meanwhile, in the outside world, the people actually suffering from this hideous bone disease, who don't find this a particularly amusing tactic, are roiling with offended rage, and are all ready for when Mr. Mensa gets out, to beat him to a pulp with their actually-diseased bones.

The Brigade wants Mr. Mensa to put up Brendon and Boobiac, that always being their sole tactic. Mr. Mensa is fine with nominating Boobiac. He's married, so he's given up enjoying boobs. After all, why would you so disfigure your arms with ugly, excessive tattoos, to the point that you look like you're wearing a sweater with asymmetrical sleeves, if you still had dreams of getting laid at least annually? But Mr. Mensa also wants to go after Kathy for voting to evict him. I understand this, but Bitchney voted against him also. Nominating her could almost make me like him. Almost!

Hayden, who has had the kindness to start going about shirtless (His rather nice pecs draws one's gaze away from his always-frizzy, hideous hair, and his narrow, piglike eyes.), is trying to keep his showmance with Kristen a secret. This should be easy, as no one remembers she's even still on the show. (And, are their trysts being photographed in night-vision, or does filming these two lustbirds simply make the camera as green with nausea as it does me?)

"I would do whatever it takes to keep me and you safe," said Kristen. Why, after this grammatically-challenged sentence, doesn't Hayden immediately send her off to shag Mr. Mensa? That would keep them safe. After all, Mensie must be awfully horny. He doesn't dare have sex with his fake-diseased wife, as he might shatter her pretend-diseased skeleton. It would be like having sex with Liza Minnelli; you have to be gentle, or she'll need yet another new hip.

That there's something up between Hayden and Kristen hasn't escaped The Brigade's notice. The Beast and The Pussy have it all figured out. They're cousins. Yes, kissing cousins. These two animals have mud-lump-sharp deductive powers. "He doesn't hookup wit' her," said The Pussy, even as Hayden and Kristen were hooking up one floor below him. Oh Pussy, Ragan passed on my Brooklyn Bridge deal. Would you like to buy it? Think of how much easier it would be to get your freshly-hijacked trucks over to Jersey if you had your own private bridge.

The Pussy is relentlessly, proudly, devoid of class: "Hayden's gotta remember: bros before hoes." He should hook up with his brother before hooking up with a "ho"? No wonder The Pussy has no problem with Hayden nailing his cousin. Somewhere, The Pussy's wife must be tremendously proud. I strongly suspect that when he leaves the BB House (Soon, please, soon!), he may find "the wifey" and their kid gone, as, if she has any trace of sense (and having married him, there's a strong likelihood she hasn't), she'll take this opportunity to go into the Witness Protection Program, and maybe his "Ma" too.

Okay, I figured Boobiac gave lap dances. She is, after all, a "VIP Cocktail waitress," which is to say, bros before her, but I've never before seen someone give a lap haircut. She trimmed Brendon's hair with clippers as she sat in his lap, slid about, and laughed that incredibly irritating laugh she uses to punctuate her every utterance. Meanwhile, Mr. Romance, aka Captain Kosher, arrived with a vacuum cleaner. Hey Cap, can't you give a fella some privacy when he's getting a haircut and some "trim"? "Andrew, don't worry about it. I'll get it after she's all done," said Brendon, though The Captain couldn't hear him over the noise of the vacuum cleaner, and also the fact that Brendon's voice was completely muffled by Boobiac's boobs. It's a large amount of cleavage, Brendon, but it's not an echo canyon.

Brendon and Boobiac, who don't have a private room this week, have given up hiding their Great Love from Captain Kosher, and are just openly shagging in front of him. The Captain doesn't care much for it. He knows it's not kosher. "It's very awkward for me to walk into a room seeing people doing that. I'm like a nine-year-old kid." Is it common for people to shag in front of nine-year-old kids? What kind of unorthodox Orthodox Day Care Center was he sent to? Well, you don't go on this show if you don't have a huge streak of exhibitionism.

Bitchney has adopted The Beast as her substitute gossip girl, now that Monet has left for Hades. They are also joining in the voyeurism reindeer games, watching Brendon and Boobiac out in the yard, and inventing their own dialogue for them. The Beast's performance as Brendon, and his take on Brendon's narcissism, is actually pretty funny. It's the first sign of his having any snap or wit at all. On the other hand, he's also mocking Brendon for working out, and it's not like The Beast developed those gigantic shoulders, pecs, and arms of his by sitting about eating doughnuts.

But then The Beast ruined it, by telling us too much: "I've role-played a couple times, ah, back in Texas, mainly with horses and cows." I wonder which role he takes: top or bottom?

This week, the repast selected for the Have-Nots by "America," to supplement the yummy slop, is baby food and Bok Choy. The Captain was ecstatic. It's kosher baby food. He loves it. So do my cats.

The Pussy hasn't the faintest idea what Bok Choy is. Apparently it's not among the dishes his sainted mother serves. He also has no idea how to pronounce it, since just saying it the way it's spelled doesn't occur to him: "It's baby food and bok chalk, or baccarat. I don't now what dat is." Meow Boy, unless announcing "Banco" gets James Bond to pass the shoe to you, it's Bok Choy.

Mr. Mensa made an offer to the two people who betrayed him the week before, He wouldn't nominate them at the ceremony if they would promise not to put him up, should one of them become HOH the following week. Frankly, I don't get why he would strike any deal with them, when they went back on the last one. Mr. Mensa is a slow learner, which is rare in MENSA.

Mr. Mensa proposed to Captain Kosher that he nominate him as a pawn this week, while he aims at backdooring Brendon. The Captain is not the volunteering-to-go-the-block type, and feels the deal isn't kosher, so he can't swallow it. "If it doesn't work, and you go home, I will feel like such a ****," said Mr. Mensa through the blur over his lips. Ah, that should make The Captain all feel all better about it. Why not use Bitchney for the pawn? She voted against him last week, and if the plan backfires, that would be even better. We could lose Bitchney.

Nominations: So Captain Kosher and Kathy were nominated. The idea is to use the POV on Wednesday to take The Captain off and put up Brendon. The Captain (and I) see this plan as considerably less than 100% foolproof. Should Brendon or Boobiac win POV, it's down the tubes. All agree that the chances of Kathy winning POV are zero.

"Ah absolu'ly don't un'erstan' why Matt put me up," said Kathy, who knows perfectly well why Matt put her up, and who is too upset to put in the effort to get her tongue up to the roof of her mouth to pronounce her "d"s.

"I hope he's got a masterpiece ready to unfold," said The Pussy, who meant "masterplan," but who is still reeling from trying to say "Bok Choy" without linguistic instructions from Bitchney.

Wednesday: Kathy told Mr. Mensa that she hadn't been gunning for him back when she gunned for him. Yes, she voted for him, but it's not like she meant it. Mensie suggested she win POV. Yes, she's a whiz at challenges. "People like ya," he told her. Who? Not me.

The Captain told Hayden and Cousin Kristen of his being nominated: "If you guys knew about it, I think it's a stupid thing." They didn't know about it, so does The Captain now think it's the best thing since sliced bread?

Hayden wants Brendon on the block, so he promised to take The Captain off the block if he wins POV, and for once, I believe him. But then, maybe Hayden just wanted The Captain out of the room, so he could return to making out with Cousin Kristen.

After Boobiac thoughtlessly put peaches into the ice tea, making it off-limits to the Have-Nots, The Captain, already stressed out, began tipping over into act-out land. He said of Brendon, while discussing how much he's come to loathe Boobiac: "I don't know how Brendon likes this thing." So Boobiac has become "This Thing." I like it, although The Thing From Another World was insulted. As for how Brendon likes "that thing": actually, what he likes are those things. I guess The Captain is a leg man.

The Captain did come up with a prize term for the power structure in the BB House: "Idiocracy." Great term. It also describes The Bush Administration.

The Captain is, not to put too fine a point on it, anal retentive. He's obsessed with vacuuming, doing laundry, washing dishes, nagging. He's like my grandmother in a "Yom Kippur." He's the sort of person who washes the garbage before he throws it out. I'll bet that in the outside world, he washes his car daily. He'd make some nice Orthodox man an insufferable wife.

Kathy: "Ah abosul'ly have to win this veto, or I think I'm gonna be outta the house." Then I guess she's gone, because Kathy couldn't win a competition even if she played unopposed.

In drawing for the three wild card positions, Mr. Mensa picked Brendon, the one person no one but Brendon and Boobiac wanted to play. He tends to win, and the plan by everyone else is to backdoor him. The Beast was drawn next. Good, especially if it involves nudity. And then The Captain drew the one person he least wanted to draw: Boobiac. He better hope the contest doesn't involve chemistry. If this is a who-can-mix-an-alkoloid-solution-fastest competition, he's screwed. "I thought God loved me!" The Captain wailed at the sky. People always think that. Captain, notice how no one else in the house keeps kosher, and yet lightening never strikes them? Get a clue: there is no God, as this show proves on an annual basis.

The Beast can contradict himself without drawing a breath: "It doesn't bother me one bit that both of them got picked; it just itches at me that they got picked." Make up whatever it is you use for a mind, Beast. He drowned his sorrows in Pop Rocks.

The Captain has a gift for phrasing things, when not cleaning things: "Your plan is blowing up in my face."

Up in the HOH room, The Brigade were watching The Captain praying on the big screen TV. Said The Pussy: "Dis is Kosher Cable," which is pretty funny for him. "It's the most entertaining thing on the screen," added Mr. Mensa. Wow, talk about inhuman torture. Watching praying is even more boring, and more pointless, than watching golf.

The Beast is finding his Big Brother experience broadening. Seeing The Captain in his prayer shawl, Beastie said: "I didn't know Jewish guys wore Ninja outfits when they prayed." I still don't know that. I also didn't know that Ninja outfits had tassels. "That's the good thing about being in Big Brother, you know. I can learn different cultures, and, ah, how they work." When he "learns" about them, those cultures become really different. The Beast is becoming stupid about a much wider variety of topics than he was stupid about before. Now he'll have a new appreciation when he watches his old tapes of Teenage Mutant Orthodox Turtles.

The Beast isn't from civilization; he's from Texas. His idea of relaxing is shooting turtles, though never teenage mutant Orthodox turtles. His ideal, fun Saturday night is for him and his surviving friends to go out drinking and driving, while shooting at anything that looks like it has eyes: an owl, a cow, my Aunt Evelyn. The Beast's idea of fun is "to kill stuff." Guns, liquor, and cars: Disneyland for the depraved. Remind me again why people are against Texas leaving The Union? Texas doesn't even qualify as a Third-World Country; it's a Fourth-World Country. It's more barbaric than Uganda. No wonder George W. Bush became governor there. He may actually be the smartest man in the state.

The Beast went on about how he wanted to "pimp-out" his machine gun. So those huge shoulders and giant pecs are actually overcompensation? The bigger the gun nut, the smaller his penis, and if he has a pimped-out machine gun, I'm afraid he's hung like a doughnut.

Power of Veto Competition: The Pussy hosted, dressed like Aladdin's genie, or as he put it, "like de bearded lady." Show me a bearded lady that dresses in an open vest with no shirt, and a turban that makes her head appear to be shaped like the Elephant Man's skull.

It was instantly obvious that the contest was a mental challenge. Well, we can count The Beast, Kathy, and Boobiac out right now. If only it involved killing things while drunk. The Beast described the competition layout as looking like "a smarter version of a redneck carnival in Texas." That also describes the catbox on my service porch when it's in desperate need of changing.

Kathy saw that counting was involved. This panicked her, since, like many an Arkansas peace officer, she can't do simple arithmetic, and she can't do complicated anything.

There was a large plaster unicorn in the yard. This perplexed The Beast. "I've seen a lot of horses in my life," he said, "And none of them have had a horn grow out of their forehead." Last week, he said he went to college. Was it a Barber College? He doesn't know what a unicorn is. Every eight year-old who has read the first Harry Potter book knows what a unicorn is. How can anyone be so ignorant? How is that possible? Newborn infants know more than he does.

Brendon looked great in his Aladdin outfit. I suppose Boobiac was supposed to be in a Princess Jasmine get-up, but she just looked like Heidi's stripper sister.

The rules were a bit complicated, but it boiled down to guessing amounts of stuff they'd had a look at, and then either committing to their guess or folding. Farthest-off guess each round was eliminated.

The Beast went out first. If only they'd been counting ammo instead of fortune cookies, and hadn't used numbers larger than five.

Boobiac is such a brilliant strategist: "So my strategy in the veto comp is not to get knocked out." This boils down to "My strategy is to win." Let's see how that works out for her.

Mr. Mensa went out next. I'm not terribly impressed by his diabolical supergenius just yet.

Estimating the length of a spiral line was next. Kathy thought it looked like a snake. She was attacked by a snake once that was eight feet long, so she guessed the spiral line was eight feet long, forgetting that the question was not about the snake that had attacked her. Boobiac wisely folded, since her guess was more than twice the correct length. But Brendon won that point, striking terror into the hearts of The Brigade. Kathy was - surprise! - out.

Everyone but Captain Kosher folded on the next one, so he automatically got a point, putting him in the lead, but no one was eliminated. Brendon had wisely folded, given that his guess this round was six times too large. Why he hadn't just guessed "a gazillion," I don't know.

The Captain's guess on the vial full of eyeballs was absurdly low. Brendon won the point and the Power of Veto, and Mr. Mensa's masterlan to backdoor him went flying off to BB Hell. You want someone on the block when you're HOH, nominate them, you dork. Somewhere, MENSA must be considering kicking him out, as he's obviously too dumb for their mutual brain-admiration society. He's a Diabolical Superfool.

In his elation, Brendon came up with a couple-name for he and Boobiac: "Brachel." Ew. Though, Boobiac does bray.

Said The Beast of Brendon: "I know he's a chemist, so I hope he doesn't clone himself." Ah Beast, Boobiac is the chemist, and it would be a geneticist who would be able to clone himself.

Mr. Mensa was flummoxed by his stupid plan not working. All he'd ever had to do was nominate - sorry - "Brachel," and one of his two targets would still be going, but he thought he'd show off a cunning plan, and found out that - again, sorry - "Brachel" had outsmarted him. Maybe his next tattoo should say "Diabolical Superfool," and be across his forehead. Even The Beast wouldn't have made this goof-up, and he's an idiot.

Mr. Mensa offered to campaign to keep The Captain in the house. "Thanks, but no thanks," was basically Captain Kosher's reply. He has no confidence left in Mr. Mensa's Diabolical Superfool powers. This is probably wise. Looks bad for Kathy.

Veto Ceremony: This had all the suspense of a movie you've seen so many times, you have it memorized. Guess what? Brendon left the nominations as they were. In fact, I've written this paragraph during the commercial break before the ceremony.

Kathy's plan to save herself is: "Basically, I am praying for a miracle." Religion is always the last resort of the dopey. Maybe she could ask The Captain to loan her his Ninja Shawl.

Okay, I always question the intelligence of anyone who is religious, but deeply religious Captain Kosher brought new meaning to bizarre insanity in his Veto Ceremony speech. After first making a secret deal with Brendon to be allies, he announced at the ceremony that he was "coming after" Brachel, and then, in his very next sentence, asked Brendon to save him, so he could come after him. Even Boobiac (Who has been in the house now long enough that, along her part, her florescent crimson hair now has long brown roots) was puzzled by this weird speech. As a way to cement the Brachel votes, it seems like one of Mr. Mensa's Diabolical Superfool plans.

Captain Kosher thinks his speech was a "bold move" which will pay off. Kathy thinks he's just saved her by digging his grave with his tongue. Boobiac took The Captain's speech at face value, and believed his vow of vengeance. Brendon thinks the speech fooled everyone. Mr. Mensa thinks everyone knows it was just a ploy by The Captain to make it look like he's against Brachel when he's actually with them. Bitchney thinks she's in The Twilight Zone, and The Beast thinks pizza is tasty.

Thursday: Boobiac has a hair-trigger jealousy response. Once Brendon told her that The Captain had told him in advance of his ploy to appear to be their enemy, she became jealous of Brendon and The Captain's relationship, as she yelled at us in the Diary Room. Boobster, you're miked. We can hear you without your screaming at us. (Hayden, this goes for you too. Stop yelling at us in the Diary Room.) But you can't tell Boobiac a secret, because she can not keep her big mouth shut. She proved last week that she can not be trusted with a secret, or with hair dye.

The Brigade met in the HOH Room. They had all seen through The Captain's silly performance, though, in keeping with his role as Village Idiot, what convinced The Beast was that "Rachel oversold it," when Boobiac's reaction had been genuine. Everyone else jumped on the Boobiac's-reaction-didn't-fool-us bandwagon, as though competing to be more gullible than The Beast.

Mr. Mensa tipped The Captain off to how completely he had blown it, thanks to the fact that Boobiac is such a cartoon, that her real reaction was taken to be as fake as - well - her boobs, and her hair color, and her degree. And The Captain managed to catch himself in a slip of the tongue too: "Seriously, she did not know anything - uh, they both did not know anything going on."

"I don't think they know what they're doing," said Boobiac, who has no idea what she's doing. To try and calm Boobiac's idiocy, Brendon said: "I love you" to her. Men say that without meaning it all the time, but it's usually for a different reason than to convince a hopelessly stupid waitress-chemist not to vote against someone on TV. And when it didn't work, Brendon finally found himself wondering if shackling himself to The Girl with the Silicone Brains was such a good idea after all.

Kathy, now desperate, took all-unknowingly (the only way she can do anything) a page from Mr. Mensa's playbook, and told Ragan she'd gotten Leukemia from cancer treatments. Kathy, Leukemia is a form of cancer. Now if she'd told him something more believable, like that she suffers from Terminal Stupidity, then-a you got somethin'. This season could have a spin-off show about a clinic for Big Brother contestants and relatives with fake illnesses: Make-Believe Hospital, or St. Nowhere.

On the other hand, Ragan is a sucker for any fake sob story, and bought it. Ragan, I'm extending my offer for this bridge I own in Brooklyn, because I need the money to get my long-dead mother an operation. Her ashes have cancer.

Next Kathy was telling Cousin Kristen how impoverished she is. What? Is she a volunteer, unpaid deputy sheriff? Does her job have no medical coverage, unlike every other police department and sheriff's office in America? "I had to walk around the hospital pregnant, and you can imagine what people called you." The pregnant lady looking for the maternity ward? I know my idea of a good time is stopping by hospitals to call pregnant women names.

Cousin Kristen said to Kathy: "If you end up leaving here, it's going to be really hard for me, because honestly, you're like the only person here I can relate too." They do have a lot in common: almost no screen time, and blank brains. And what does she call shagging Hayden?

The Captain now felt left out. "I'm feeling almost like an outcast or a leper." Maybe he should go around and tell everyone he's a leper. Go up to each person, grab their hand in his, cry, say: "I'm a leper, please keep me in the house with you. I'm trying to get enough money to move to Molokai," and then kiss them. It's foolproof. Ragan will believe you.

Instead, The Captain went and told Cousin Kristen not to "play me like a fiddle." This of course, annoyed Cousin Kristen, who would have trouble playing a kazoo. Is The Captain trying to lose votes? He's a podiatrist. He's used to treating people's feet, but clearly has no idea of how to work the opposite end of a human. Cousin Kristen came to The Captain and complained about his attack from left field, while he complained back that she didn't come to him to talk, when there was nothing stopping him from going and talking to her. This rapidly escalated into a screaming match that was entertaining the whole house. Captain dear, you can't berate people into liking you. Just ask Otto Preminger.

Cousin Kristen and The Captain eventually accused each other of digging their own graves with their tongues. I hope the soil in the Big Brother cemetery is kosher.

As The Captain was busy tattooing "vote me out" on his own forehead, The Brigade took a sophisticated view of it. Keeping The Captain when he's a target would provide them with a decoy target that would keep them out of the sites, as opposed to keeping Kathy, whom The Pussy accurately described as "useless," though he omitted "brainless."

Asked by The Chenbot what he misses most in the house, The Beast confessed it was driving around drunk, shooting at stuff in the dark, hoping that what they were killing are animals, or at worst, liberals. He called it "spotlightin'." In civilized coutries, it's called DUI and Reckless Endangerment. Like so many Texans, he's amazingly proud of being uncivilized and mildly degenerate.

The best thing about all the drama is it allows CBS to fill their hour with that, rather than their usual boring Thursday Night puff pieces, where they interview houseguests' relatives, who show us the crafts projects they made in camp back when they were ten years-olds, or give camera time to their pets.

But not quite enough. They had one such puff piece, this time with Mrs. Mensa, she of the imaginary bone disease. She doesn't speak very well. She at least has the decency to disapprove of being heralded as a fake-disease sufferer. She worried that Mr. Mensa hadn't thought of all the "repercautions." (I was also struck by the scenes in the Mensas' living room. All the walls are blank. Totally blank. Not one single picture of any sort is on the walls. How can you stand living in such a blank environment? It's like living inside a fogbank.)

Eviction Vote: Kathy's speech was boring, predictable, and mildly nauseating: "My mom, my grandmom, my family taught me my morals, my church taught me my faith [Oh please. Your church wouldn't have had a shot at indoctrinating their superstitions into you if your family hadn't dragged you in there in the first place, so they should get the blame there.], and my job taught me integrity and loyalty." So she had neither integrity nor loyalty until she got her job? What were those morals her family taught her prior to handing her to some church for warping?

Captain Kosher's speech was vastly more pertinent and entertaining. Rifling it out at top speed, and demonstrating even harder his weird idea that alienating people was the surest way to secure their votes, he outed Hayden and Cousin Kristen's showmance, also repeating their gossip about the other players, telling Bitchney that Cousin Kristen had dissed the way she talks, telling Ragan that Kristen thinks she has him wound around her finger, telling The Beast that Hayden & Cousin Kristen plan to drop him at fourth or fifth, and telling The Pussy that they insult his intelligence. (How? What's to insult?) Kathy looked pained, even as he was securing her safety.

He did try to backpedal a bit on Hayden, telling him he needed to get himself loose from Cousin Kirsten. Does he really think a male will choose the Jewish guy from Mars who just blabbed his intimate secrets on national TV over the hot babe he's shagging?

Well Big Brother's slogan has always been to "Expect the Unexpected," and this time it delivered. Even the show staff was caught off-guard by this barrage. (If they'd had any idea he'd do this, they'd have included footage of Hayden and Cousin Kristen dissing The Pussy's brain, which was news to us.) Cousin Kristen tried denying The Captain's allegations and defending herself, but The Chenbot shut her down. Suddenly there was real suspense to the live vote. This was goooood.

Cousin Kristen voted to evict Captain Kosher. I'm still reeling from the shock. I even typed this sentence before she voted.

Boobiac, ignoring her orders from Brendon, and the fact that Captain Kosher had just moved the target from her and Brendon over to Hayden and Cousin Kristen, voted to evict The Captain.

Bitchney's vote went to The Captain. Well, I still think Kathy may be her mother.

The Beast, who had been favoring evicting Kathy, shifted his vote to Captain Kosher, even using that name for the vote. If Sarah Palin runs for president in 2012, I really hope The Captain manages her campaign.

Brendon also made the last-second vote switch. This sealed The Captain's fate. The rest of the votes were moot. In any event, it was unanimous, with Ragan actually making me laugh by adding that he was voting both to evict and to institutionalize The Captain. The irony running free here was that The Captain had stood a very good chance of surviving the vote until his tongue dug him a grave big enough for a family plot. (Hmm. I'm suddenly struck by a desire to watch Family Plot, a good, funny Hitchcock movie. Let me get this column over with, so I can slip it into the machine.) This was one pawn who checkmated himself.

While everyone left behind in the house was reeling from an utterly unexpected five minutes, The Pussy was focused on what was important: "Whose sayin' I'm an idiot?" Ah Meow Boy, The Captain was clear that it was Hayden and Cousin Kristen. Oh, and me.

"Wow," said The Chenbot, "That was the best Last Plea Speech I've ever seen." One must assume she meant "best" in the sense of "most-entertaining," because as a Last Plea Speech intended to save himself, it was a complete bust.

The Chenbot was suggesting to The Captain stronger strategies in his exit interview. Captain, how lame are you if you're being out-thought by a robot disguised as a TV hostess?

Boobiac's farewell speech to The Captain was her third consecutive replay of "Ain't nobody gonna come between me and my man." And just to class it up, she added: "Especially not a man. Ew." On behalf of the Gay Community: go screw yourself, "chemist." Are you afraid a man could steal Brendon because he likes you, and you look like a really tacky drag queen?

It's official: Boobiac thinks everyone on earth is trying to steal Brendon away from her. She's pathologically jealous. She just sent a letter to President Obama, saying: "Mr. President, hands off Brendon. I'm sorry to be switching parties, but nobody comes between me and my man." One of these days, she will cut off her own humongus silicone sacs for coming between her and her man, which, of course, will lose her Brendon. What an imbecile!

Head of Household Competition: Everyone was still reeling from Captain Kosher's amazing exit interview, yet they still had to go try to win HOH.

It was a boxing-themed elimination quiz about previous competitions, so it required the houseguests to be able to remember the last four weeks. Normally you'd have a competition like this much later in the season, when it would be more of a challenge, but much of this crowd is lucky to remember their own names, so why not now?

In a small ironic twist, Boobiac eliminated Brendon. Now she's coming between her and her man. She better hope she loses, or she might be nominating herself for eviction.

Boobiac was later paired against Kathy. All she needed to do was stand there, since Kathy can be counted on to lose any competition, as indeed Kathy immediately buzzed in with a wrong answer and eliminated herself, but nonetheless, Boobiac got so flustered (probably noticing how Kathy is trying to come between her and her man), that she let fly with a burst of silent soundtrack that prompted The Chenbot to admonish her to "Keep it clean." That's what comes of voting out The Captain; there's no one to clean everything for them anymore. What kind of short-sighted people vote out the maid?

The Captain must have even rattled The Chembot despite her "emotions" all being simulations pre-programmed by Disney Imagineers, because she asked Boobiac to choose the next two to face off when only two were left. To my amazement, Boobiac managed to choose the right two.

It came down to a head-to-head face-off between The Beast and Boobiac. Now there's a battle of wits, but The Beast is slower than Kathy crawling through caramel, and Boobiac won HOH for the second time. I am so impressed with The Brigade. Since Week One, they've been gunning for Brendon and Boobiac, who both just voted out their only ally, and yet again they've blown it, as we can now be certain that "Brachel" will both be there for at least two more weeks.

The producers of Big Brother, left with egg all over their faces by the spectacular fizzle-out of their Saboteur twist, are trying to resurrect it by asking America to vote for one of the houseguests to be offered the chance to become the new saboteur. Yes, just what the show needs, more grade-school level pranks.

As always, we ended Thursday eavesdropping on the houseguests, which is normally boring, as they congratulate the HOH winner, and chat pointlessly. But this time when The Chenbot shut up and let us listen, we joined, in progress, a full-on confrontation between Boobiac and Cousin Kristen, as Cousin Kristen was denying her showmance, and Boobiac was announcing her intention to nominate Hayden and Cousin Kirsten for eviction this week. Spoilers, Boobiac! You're supposed to hold that back for Sunday's show. Boobiac has seen Cousin's Kristen's showmance with Hayden for what it is, a blatant attempt by Hayden & Cousin Kirsten to come between her and her man.

"Lord help the mister,

Who comes between me and my sister,

And Lord help the sister,

Who comes between me and my man."

- Sisters, Irving Berlin.

Cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.