We started this right off with the merge, which Marty felt was a good thing for him. I agree, although he immediately went to "I'm back in the saddle again," which strikes me as an overstatement, given that his entire current power base is that Fabio thinks he's kind of cool.
With news of the merge, Benry said of Alina: "I think everybody agrees that it's time for her to go home." Well for one, I doubt Alina does. He certainly never asked me, as I think it's well past time to lose Shoeless & Useless Dan, or NaOnka, the Bride of Satan, whose touch brings famine.
Alina was masterminding a plan to get rid of Marty and his idol, based on her rather old news intel. She was not sensitive to the fact that she had lost her audience, although Jane thinks she's a genius.
When the two tribes met up, a chest was opened, containing the traditional merge feast foods. This is not normally the seed of evil, but then, the tribes seldom include one of Satan's Brides.
Marty, slow to learn that making unilateral decisions for people who have not asked him to do so is a good way to annoy yourself additional enemies, announced that the new Tribe name should be Libertad, which is "Liberty" with an affected, poufy accent.
Fabio, on discovering that there was rum in the chest: "We gotta drink all-a this today!" Why? Rum doesn't go bad, you know. Whereas, tomorrow will go very bad indeed if I wake up and Fabio's drunk all the rum!
Apparently afraid she'll be marooned in Nicaragua all winter (It must have been tempting to the producers to just abandon her there), Satan's Bride was stuffing nuts into her undergarments all over her body, and certainly not for the first time.
Brenda was happy to see Satan's Bride. Brenda must be evil.
Chase thinks Jane is an awesome lady, after she talked about her guns. "She reminds me of home," he said. Yes, nothing says "home" more than an crazy old lady sitting out on the porch, cradling her .22, while trying to coax you a little closer, and into the light. Jane could keep Robert Mitchum cornered in that barn all night. She abides.
Jane and Chase bonded over both being from North Carolina, which is at least better than being from South Carolina, but not by very much. Jane is clearly thinking "showmance." Chase doesn't do "thinking," clearly or otherwise. Jane said they talked about "...his daddy passing and my husband passing..." Well, that's the sort of thing that happens when your state's primary export is lung cancer.
Satan's Bride made tortillas, but then felt she hadn't gotten her fair share as the cook. (My Daddy always said: "Tis a terrible cook that comes to the table still hungry.") So Satan's Bride reacted exactly as you would have, back when you were four years old. She stole the rest of the flour, and took it off and hid it. This is the woman Chase and Brenda talk about how totally they trust her. She's stealing now from everyone. She teaches PE in a high school, and she apparently thinks theft is a perfectly acceptable way to operate in life. Do you have a child in one of her classes?
Satan's Bride is at least an amateur, as a professional thief would know better than to do it while Crazy Holly sat there watching them do it.
But Satan's Bride's Crime Spree was only just beginning. She was soon stealing pots, dishes, utensils, fruit, a flat-screen TV that "fell off an outrigger canoe," black-market human hearts.
"Everything tastes better when you're stealing it," said Satan's Bride, which she undoubtedly tells your kids, each and every day in her classes , unless she is chucked out of the California School System.
Satan's Bride then told Alina that everyone, except her of course, were out to get her. Satan's Bride is working Alina for a jury vote, although she has no idea how close we are or aren't to picking the jury. What she will need is a jury that didn't see her blindside and tackle a one-legged woman. And Alina didn't have to take every word from Satan's Mouth as true. She could at least entertain the theory that she might be being lied to. Naw.
Come morning, the food thefts were discovered. Sherlock Fabio was certain that the tide hadn't swept inland and stolen the frying pan. Mock him though you may, he was right! "At what school did you study to become a detective, Fabio?"
"Elementary, my dear Morehead, Elementary."
Holly brought up seeing Satan's Bride walk off with the flour in her bag. Satan's Bride lied, claiming she'd brought it back, and when this didn't even fool Fabio, she stormed off, refusing to discuss her no-explanation, and looking more guilty than ever, muttering something about finding "the real killers."
But Alina knows Satan's Bride is lying, and she's not speaking up. Alina, denounce the Evil One, or be an Evil One yourself.
Alina and Chase talked Satan's Bride into confessing. What kind of wimpy Survivor is this? You publically betray her, and engineer the whole tribe turning on her. You don't lovefest her onto an apology tour.
But I hadn't seen such a sincere apology since Richard Nixon said of Watergate: "I accept the responsibility, but not the blame."
Satan's Bride's excuse for stealing food, that she was doing it for everyone out of selfless motives, wasn't fooling Marty, but it did get Fabio to thank her for stealing their food. Gee, he's dumb.
Brenda has amazing logic: Satan's Bride confessed to stealing their food, and Alina confessed to knowing about it, therefore Alina is bad and must go. Knowing about it (and talking Satan's Bride into confessing and returning the ill-gotten gains) is somehow worse than doing it.
Sash to Satan's Bride: "You're my number one girl here."
Satan's Bride: "Well ditto."
So Sash is Satan's Bride's number one girl there? And I thought we'd settled all that "Is Sash gay?" stuff when Shannon was voted out.
Marty is busy trying to make the young people think Jane is annoying. That shouldn't be difficult. Marty is worried that she'll spread her "cancerous tentacles" through the tribe, and those are the worst kind of tentacles.
Immunity Challenge: Another one-challenge show? I was hoping they were over, but no.
This one involved keeping a solid rod of iron erect by grasping it with tension handles. Darling, I could play this one in the Olympics. I've been known to keep solid rods of iron erect with my breath alone.
And they handed out two immunities, but based on the wrong demographic, one for a man and one for a woman. Excuse me. This isn't Survivor: Men vs Goddesses, this is Survivor: Infants vs Senior Citizens! It should be one immunity for an old person, and one for a young person.
Last-Kelly-Standing was the first one out. Her three seconds of loss was her largest dollop of screen time so far this season. Shoeless & Useless Dan of course went next. Kelly had to lose almost on the starting bell to out-lose Dan.
Alina went out next. Not a good strategy, Alina. Winning this challenge would have been a very good move for you.
Brenda and Benry went next. The trick here is concentration. Jane looked cool as an iceflow locked onto her iron shaft. Jeff said: "This is about wanting it." That's always been how I approached this challenge.
Sash went next. See? Not gay.
Satan's Bride went next. Guess she couldn't steal a victory here.
Holly went next, and Jane, who looked like she could have gone for another hour, won the female immunity. So much for Marty's campaign to oust her this week. Satan's Bride is available for voting out, ands she stole everyone's food.
Even though Jane had won, she kept on playing pointlessly, in case there was anyone left who hadn't noticed that she was more of a physical threat than she seemed. "She's a North Carolina girl, Jeff," said Chase, as though that accounted for anything beyond her not knowing when it's time to quit. And she's no one's "girl." She's a North Carolina Wacky Old Woman.
Marty went next. Jane is always glad to see Marty fail, particularly when she's still beating him. Chase went next, so I guess he's not a North Carolina Girl, because Jane was still going strong, and she and Fabio ended up without either ever dropping their iron rods, Fabio's was the triumph of youth and beauty, Jane's was the triumph of lots and lots of experience. Judging from the way Jane jumped up onto Fabio, she apparently thought he was part of her prize.
Sash wants to vote out Alina, so he can give the illusion of keeping his promise to Marty. Jane wants Marty out yesterday. She's terrified that he'll win immunity the next three times in a row. Yes, he'll suddenly turn 22 years-old after the next Tribal Council. Jane is obsessed.
Marty, on the other hand, will never learn the value of staying quiet. He could not possess an idol without making sure everyone knew he had it, which is why he no longer has it. He gets bossy. And when Shoeless & Useless Dan told him he thought Chase was trying to blindside him, Marty went and annoyed everyone into wanting to do just that. All he had to do was just shut up.
Alina went up to Fabio to charm him into voting for Marty. Fabio, a lone voice of sanity, wanted Satan's Bride out. Sometimes he's dumb. Sometimes he's not. But when Alina went to work on him, he declared that "this" is why people wanted her out. She talks to them, and doesn't say what they're thinking, so it's confusing to them. At least it is to Fabio, who can't listen to her and the voices in his head at the same time, now can he?
Tribal Council: Oooh boy, does Marty not know when to shut up. Jeff Probst simply asked him a civil question, but to Marty, it must have sounded like "I yield to the gasbag from Mill Valley," because he took over the floor, to discuss his "misunderstanding" about Jane, and then to campaign against her pointlessly, as she's sitting there, wearing an idol. What he most-clearly fails to understand about his relationship with Jane is that she hates him, and nothing he can ever say will ever change that.
It can however, annoy a lot of people into voting against him, especially if an annoyed Jeff steers the council in that direction.
Was Jeff miffed? Well he threw it right to Alina, who has more motivation than anyone else present, even Jane, for getting Marty voted out tonight. Yes, very impartial, Jeff.
Shoeless & Useless Dan then raised his claw to steer the discussion over to The Great Nicaraguan Food Robbery of 2010, which paints a target on Satan's Bride's back (Go Dan!), and somehow paints a larger one on Alina.
Satan's Bride: "I robbed the tribe, but I gave it back, 'cause I was pushed into a corner." Is being "pushed into a corner" her excuse for the robbery, or her only reason for giving it back?
Satan's Bride: "But, I mean, I gave it back. Nobody was hurt."
Fabio: "But you wouldn't have given it back if we hadn't-a found out."
Satan's Bride: "Jeff, I got punished for it."
Fabio: "You didn't get punished.
Jeff: "How'd you get punished?"
Satan's Bride: "Nobody'd talk to me."
Ironic catcalls of "Awww" are thrown at her by her tribe.
Marty scraped by, Alina was voted out, and Jane was hornswoggled, by gum.
HuffPost Entertainment is your one-stop shop for celebrity news, hilarious late-night bits, industry and awards coverage and more — sent right to your inbox six days a week. Learn more