Dear wacky old Jane, a weird combination of Mammy Yokum and Grandmama Addams, with the merest whiff of Marjorie Main wafted in, started the wit off this week at a dazzling level, by nicknaming Marty "Farty". Every Marty on every school playground in America this morning would like to thank Jane, by meeting her out by the dumpsters after 8th period.
Marty's ability to believe himself a power in the game is unshakeable. He was up the next day, telling the tribe what "The Plan" was. He has no conception that he has no power at all. The Plan was to plot openly against Satan's Bride, also known as NaOnka, while secretly intending to blindside Jane. Marty can not get it through his head that most of these people like Jane, and do not like him.
Jane, giving Marty a baleful look that would have sent chills up the spine of Madame DeFarge as she sat knitting by the guillotine, was fully aware of what Farty was up to. But her mind was drifting to other matters, as she speculated: "He's gonna be hung." As she thought about Farty's forthcoming enlargement, she was inspired: "I'd like to take him to the woodshed and whup his ass." Isn't that what they used to do to kids who called people names like "Farty"? Didn't work on Jane anymore than it did on me.
Reward Challenge: this challenge, a series of pretty randomly thrown together tasks involving keys and locks and obstacles and blah, blah, blah, was to be fought by two randomly-drawn teams for a forest canopy flight and a feast. The random draw ended up piting the women against the men. The leftover player, Chase, backed the women's team, so he'd share in their victory or defeat. The women cheered this, as though Chase sitting on the sidelines rooting for them would give them some sort of advantage over the team of strong men Chase also wasn't helping.
One obstacle on the course I hadn't seen before were barricades of sticks one had to charge busting through, while hoping not to get impaled on a broken stick. It looked awfully dangerous, and the corpses of two dead vampires still impaled on them from the rehearsal rounds didn't help matters any.
Poor Chase. He won't be enjoying any BBQ. The one thing this challenge proved was that Jane was a bigger liability than Twice-Shoeless Dan. Oh Dan was a drag on the men in the obstacle course, and slowed them down, but Jane's utter collapse into dead weight assured the men's victory. And it was fun to watch them bursting through brick walls like George Reeves in The Adventures of Superman 50 years ago.
Best of all, no feast for Satan's Bride.
Kelly Still-Here got a moment on camera when she got all crybaby about losing the feast.
Jeff: "Chase believed in you."
Kelly: "That says a lot about Chase." Yes it does; it says he's stupid, or that trying to get laid meant more to him than the feast. But then, at this point, over two weeks into the game, everyone is starving and everyone stinks; even a man would choose food over sex. Nope, Chase is just stupid.
Jeff, master sadist that he is, offered each of the winners the choice to change places with a loser, say weepy Kelly for instance, and let her have their pity food. There were no takers. Not even Brenda could get a man to give up a meal to her in exchange for one of her "so then I'll like you" flirts. I expected Satan's Bride to yell to Fabio, "Change places with me, Fabio, and I'll give you your socks back."
The Canopy Tour turned out to be riding something called a "Zip Line" that allowed each person to basically fly alone through the rain forest treetops, and even I must admit that it looked cooler than ice. Twice-Shoeless Dan, for some reason, had to pretend he was unimpressed with flying alone through the tree tops of the jungle when he can barely walk on the ground, and instead gave us one of his massively unfunny "jokes": "The first time flying above the Nicaraguan Jungle on a zip line? It's okay. You know, there aren't any zip lines in Brooklyn..." (So, on earth, what?) "...If there are, you're a burglar." Ha, ha. You're a scream. Where ya playin' next week, Shecky?
Over their feast, Marty laid out his plan to flush out Satan's Bride's idol, and get rid of Jane. Benry and Fabio both liked it.
Back at Camp, Crazy Holly said: "Chase showed his character today, by believing in us." What character did he show? His stupidity? His inability to back a winner? He desire to skip a meal? That he's a pussy? What virtue did this tremendously wrong bet demonstrate?
While going along with the general "We're so glad you're here starving with us rather than off being well fed" official party line, Brenda did confess to us that she saw it as a terrifically stupid move on Chase's part, and evidence of his Mommy issues with Jane and Holly. Nice psychoanalysis, Brenda. "Five cents, please."
Chase wants Marty out, and was working on Brenda to this end, with the "aid" of Satan's Bride. All he was actually doing was annoying her. He hasn't noticed yet that, despite her looks, she's smarter than he is.
Immunity Challenge: This was an elimination challenge, involving remembering the orders of symbols. Satan's Bride and Jane were the first to fall. Dan went next. A challenge where all he had to do was stand still and concentrate, and he was still among the first to fall.
It came down to Brenda and Marty, and Brenda pulled it through.
Fabio: "I know, dude, I hate playing stupid so much, but it's like the smartest thing to do right now."
Ah. You see, Fabio's dimness is his strategy. He's smarter than he seems, which he'd have to be to dress himself. But is he as smart as he's pretending not to be?
Marty let Brenda know what The Plan was. Oops. You don't let Brenda know what The Plan is. She lets you know what The Plan is. What is The Plan, anyway?
Brenda asked Sash what The Plan was, and he replied: "My plan is whatever your plan is." He'll make a good husband someday.
So The Plan was put into effect. But was it Plan A:
1. Tell everyone they're voting for Satan's Bride, and flush out her idol
2. Vote out Jane.
Or Plan B:
1. Tell Marty you're all going along with Plan A.
2. Vote out Marty.
Tribal Council: Satan's Bride could not have been more annoyed with Jeff when he brought up her theft of the tribe's food. That was so last week. What next? Gonna still hold her tackling one-legged people out of selfishness against her too? Get over it, Jeff. She has.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore, Jeff," Satan's Bride was subtle about telling Probst to stuff a sock in it.
Marty leapt on it, saying of stealing the tribe's food that there was "No bigger sin".
Satan's Bride was ready to defend herself, or at least, do Norm Crosby's old comedy act: "Jeff, I'm not perfect; I'm a humanitarian. I'm a human." Satan's Bride calling herself a human got big laughs from Marty and Fabio.
But Satan's Bride's disdain for Marty was not random. She had reasons to dislike him: "His hair, his walk sucks. You know, I can see through Marty." She likes opaque people, with non-sucky walks.
It got personal. Marty: "She is a liar and a cheat and a steal..." (Well, she is.)
Satan's Bride: "Well my daddy is in Inglewood California, and I ain't got nothing to prove to Marty."
Marty: "He's not gonna be proud of you, sister."
Satan's Bride: "Oh he is, 'cause I'm here, and you prob'bly won't be."
Just for the record, while I know nothing of Satan's Bride's poor father, assuming she had one, and she didn't just spring from the brow of Zeus, I do know that Inglewood is full of fathers who would be appalled if their daughters ever behaved anything like Satan's Bride does.
Jeff clearly could have sat there and listened to crap pour from Satan's Bride's lips all night long, but it was only an hour show, so they had to get to the vote.
While they picked on her and picked on her, Satan's Bride's idol was not to be drawn, and she did not play it.
Jane pulled in four votes, but the rest all went to Marty. So much for The Plan. "I wouldn't change a thing I did to my game," said slow-learner Farty.
In the previews for next week we saw that something no one liked happened. I'm on the edge of my seat, reaching for the remote.
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