We had no Survivor last week, and we had it on Wednesday night this week, due to a tournament of "basketball," that peculiar pastime where glandular cases in shiny underwear run around a room for a couple of hours, bouncing a ball, and periodically throwing it through a hoop. I assume the term "March Madness" refers to the fact that you'd have to be clinically insane to want to watch such a boring, pointless activity. And speaking of pointless activities, here's what happened on Survivor last night.
In the "Previously On" montage we heard Russell say: "May the best man win." Of course, he doesn't mean that. He wants himself to win.
After returning from Tribal Council, my beautiful James asked Colby "You want a hug?" and the idiot said: "No." No? Is he insane? First he turned down chocolate, now he's turned down a chocolate hug. He's certifiable. James, you can hug me all you want. (What do you mean he already hugs me all he wants, Little Dougie? We've never even met. Oh, you mean... Pipe down. I'm watching TV.)
Russell, noticing that Rob was sitting up late alone, thinking, decided to take this opportunity to get back out of bed, or more accurately, out of mat, and go tell him some lies. Why lie around, when you can go around lying? Russell told Rob that he's not out to get him, which means he is out to get him, and he also told Rob that he did not have the immunity idol, which means he has the immunity idol. Russell is easy to decipher. Whatever he says, the opposite is true. He's like a game show version of Karl Rove.
Treemail came carrying no clue as to whether the upcoming challenge was for reward or immunity. A smart player would realize that it was double-elimination time, but we're talking about Colby, the man who turned down chocolate and a hug from James. However, James Clement is on Colby's mind: "The biggest question to me is, what does it mean for James?" You'd think his biggest question would be what does it mean for Colby. If Colby is thinking of James ahead of himself, it must be True Love. No wonder he turned down that hug. He doesn't trust himself not to betray his longing for James. I bet if we looked at his three-ring binder, we'd find he'd written "Mrs. James Clement, Mr. and Mr. James and Colby Clement" all over it. Colby, is that an immunity idol in your pocket, or do you just love James?
Immunity & Reward Challenge: The players learned they were playing for individual immunity, one for each tribe, because it is Double Elimination Day. Both tribes are going to Tribal Council, and both tribes are sending someone home. Additionally, one staff member from each production department will be fired, but they didn't televise that.
The challenge involved maneuvering through obstacles while chained to a rope threaded through them. It was clear James, with his leg in a brace from ankle to hip, hadn't a bloody chance in hell of winning immunity. Then the winner from each tribe would run it again, head-to-head, and win for their tribe a feast - well hot dogs, sodas, and "fixin's," but when you've spent weeks eating rice and whatever insects you find in your hair, even hot dogs and "fixin's" constitute a "feast." And they get to listen in on the other tribe's council. Oooh. Phallic foods and eavesdropping. If only they added vodka, it would be my Dream Date.
Even the Insufferables were impressed with the energy with which James threw himself into the challenge, despite having little-to-no flexibility in one leg. Watching him go at it, twisting over, under, around, and through all those obstacles, all I could think was, I can't wait to get him into my Okinawan Twirl Basket.
While James made a respectable showing, even briefly taking an early lead to the amazement of all, Colby, who had been smugly contemplating lame James going home, humiliated himself, coming in last. In fact, he never got out of the first part of the course, having instead succeeded only in trussing himself up in the ropes until he looked like he was trying to play some kind of autoerotic asphyxiation bondage game. It will be hard for him to convince his no-allies that he's a stronger player than James, when James, hobbled, nonetheless smoked able-bodied, inept Colby.
Candice, the only player on the Likeable Tribe less popular than Colby, won immunity. Colby must have been thinking: "Ulp!"
As the Likeables unshackled themselves, Jeff announced: "Villains, we'll get you hooked up." Jeff, I'm very broad-minded. I genuinely do not care if you're providing hookers for the Insufferables, I really don't, although I hope the woman you assign the job of pleasuring Voldepussy is being paid really well. But much of America is more Puritanical than I am, so you are, I think, ill-advised to trumpet it on CBS.
Although Tyson the Mormon Moron is a snake, and thus so experienced at slithering around, and twisting himself through knots that he won this challenge back in Tocantins, it was Boston Rob who won immunity. Russell won't be getting rid of him this week.
Voldepussy is a dragon slayer, not a dragon un-tier, and never got through the first section of the course. Unless one of these challenges turns out to be Quidditch, she's never going to win one. Sandra basically got hung up on the first obstacle, doing even worse than Colby.
During the one-on-one reward heat between Rob and Candice, in a much more complex rope maze, their tribemates hollered useless cheering-on remarks like, "Keep it going," and "Focus," and "You're doing fine." One girl shouted, "Awesome Rob, you look great." Now there's a real TV person, more concerned with how he looks than how he's doing. If she'd said, "Rob, your hair looks terrible!" would he have stopped and groomed?
"You're right on his butt," hollered Rupert to Candice, although that's not generally the sort of update a lady wants shouted to the world. Still, I can think of worse things to be "right on."
She may have been right on Rob's butt, but he still got his butt to the finish first. The Insufferables won the food. "You get the biggest hot dog," last-place Sandra yelled to Rob, although I'd think the possessor of the biggest hot dog would get to decide who gets his for himself. Big talk from a woman with no hot dog at all.
Colby now knows that, friendless, devoid of allies, having made a showing in the challenge that fell far short of supposedly-lame James, and with the only other target, Candice, safe, he's in deep doo-doo. Let the maneuvering begin.
Happy-yet-ironic back at the Insufferables' camp, Rob was joking, "Oooh, I beat a girl. I feel so ... grrr."
Parvati was flummoxed that her strategy failed: "I went into that immunity challenge thinking I have to win this one, and then Rob wins. I went What ? Nooo!" Well dear, then why didn't you try winning it? Just having to win it isn't enough. You then have to actually win it. You can't just flirt with a challenge to get it to let you win it. Men can be challenges, but challenges aren't men.
Rob announced to most of the tribe that the strategy was to vote out Parvati, but to make Russell think he was being voted out, so he'd play his immunity idol. What about Voldepussy? Couldn't we vote out her?
Speaking of Voldepussy, she was in a tizzy. Russell had been telling her to vote one way, and Rob and Tyson wanted her to vote another way. Poor girl. "But," she babbled, "We all know that the dragonslayer is a man of his word, and when he says he's gonna go this direction, come hell or highwater, that's where I'm going for." There is so much wrong with that sentence. First off, we all remember when she stated in no uncertain terms that "while I still have a breath or a brain cell in my brain, I will fight for [Randy]," and then she voted to evict Randy ten minutes later. Secondly, the silly little goose is so confused she's using masculine pronouns to describe herself. Thirdly, she ended her sentence in a preposition. And fourthly, she got so flustered being impressed with her own imaginary integrity, that she switched from speaking in the third person to speaking in the first person within the same sentence. So she's a liar, sexually-confused, and illiterate, all at once. A triple threat.
Rob was off playing Russell: "If you really don't have that idol, you need to go get it."
Russell: "I don't have it."
Rob (knowing full well Russell has it.): "Well, then [giggle] it's been real."
Rob is trying to work a reverse-blindside, and surprise Russell with not voting him out. The problem is, Russell figured it out. His counter-plan is to write Tyson's name on his ballot, give the idol to Parvati, let her use it, and blindside Tyson. Could Russell really be dumb enough to give away an immunity idol?
There are three ways this could play out, and I like all of them:
1. Russell's plan could go off as he wants, and we're rid of the Mormon Moron. One less Mormon is always a good thing. A million less Mormons would be a great thing!
2. Russell could go back on his promise, and Parvati gets voted out. Go flirt with the bartenders at the Samoa Hilton.
3. Parvati could betray his plan to the others, then play the idol to save herself, and they could blindside Russell, which would be even better, as it would not only get rid of Russell, but, icing on the cake, it would wipe that smug look off his face permanently. He wouldn't even make the jury.
Over at Likeableland, Colby, like Parvati, seems to feel that challenge wins are gifts from the gods. "I needed an A+ performance today, and it didn't happen." What you mean is, you didn't give an A+ performance. They happen when you make them happen."
Colby then made a little speech to the effect that he knew he was going home tonight, so why bother plotting and maneuvering? Just have a relaxed afternoon with no scrambling. This could mean he planned to plot and scramble like mad, and didn't want anyone counter-scrambling. Or it could mean he was trying to reverse-psychologize everyone into keeping him. Or it could mean he'd turned into as big a wuss as Voldepussy. He kind of gave himself away when he said: "I say we give them as little information as we can. They're going to be sitting in." If he was certain he was going home, why would he care what information gets disclosed to the other tribe? The only reason he would care about what the other tribe learns is if he thinks he's still in it. "And I meant it," he said to us in a confessional interview, so he thinks we're stupid too. Of course, he knows we are watching Survivor, so maybe he has a point.
Colby and James had a discussion that was of special interest because James was shirtless. James showed the kind of class that has been losing him fans all season as he described Colby's performance in the game to him as "the old sleepy-ass Colby, you know, that gets beat by a fat man and a cripple." I suppose he gets a bit of a pass on that "by a cripple" since he was referring to himself. But who was "the fat man"? Rob? Jerri? Casper Gutman?
To us, James added about Colby: "almost brought me to tears. It's like my Superman sucks." Why would that make you cry? Wouldn't it depend upon whom Superman was sucking? And how hard? Super-Sucking could, after all, be painful, and even dangerous. Superman could literally "suck it off."
JT, Candice, Amanda, and Rupert were nonetheless, discussing whom to vote out. Why? Yes, James is injured, but Colby, uninjured, still came in far behind him. Clearly, even injured, James is worth two of Colby.
Amanda tried to help James by telling him not to "steal" bananas. First off, he takes bananas in full view of everyone. There's nothing furtive about it. Secondly, please. He's a big guy, and a big fella needs a big banana, to give him all the lovin' that only he canna. Little Dougie would beg James to help himself to Dougie's banana. He'd even deliver it, pre-peeled. Amanda's suggestion was that whenever he eats a banana, he offers everyone else a banana too. Yes James, offer me a banana. I'll definitely keep you around!
So James decided to hold a race to prove he can still run. Apparently, once more for The Black Man, it all comes down to race. (And what happened to Rupert? His chest hair suddenly vanished. How? Did the Samoan Jungle Chest Waxers pay him a hut call? And why? It's not like anything is going to improve his looks, short of transplanting his brain into Hugh Jackman's skull.)
The race was not a good idea. James raced JT. JT not only beat him, he beat him while running backwards. (It would have been hilarious if, while running backwards, JT had run into a tree and taken himself out, but sadly, that didn't happen.)
But the fact remains, there's James competing, and fighting to stay in. And there's Colby, whom James did beat in the actual challenge, just lying in the water, wallowing in self-pity.
As JT, Rupert, and James walked off into commercial, we heard James say, "Hey JT, would you like a banana?" and Little Dougie fell off his chair.
Back in the Insufferable camp, Rob's paranoia caused him to think up Russell's plan for himself. So he gathered his comrades and told them to divvy their votes up, three for Russell and three for Parvati. That way, if there's a tie, no matter who plays the idol, one of them goes home, and Tyson is safe. There's no moss growing on Rob, unless that isn't actually a goatee.
But this involves trusting Voldepussy, which I don't. My experience is, the more someone tells you their word is sacred, the more untrustworthy they are. It also requires Courtney's living skeleton to vote for Russell, and I'm not sure she could lift the pencil without her arm snapping. It easily weighs an ounce.
Russell, born paranoid, decided on slathering on an additional layer to his plotting, and took Tyson aside to assure him that he, Russell, was betraying Parvati and would be voting for her, having told Parvati that he's voting for Tyson. He also told Nancy Pelosi he'd vote for healthcare, and he told John McCain that they were having Tapioca on Tuesday.
Tyson however, is not the sharpest boxcutter smuggled onto the plane. He believed Russell. I've said it before and I'll say it again, a man capable of believing that Joseph Smith actually read golden tablets he got from an angel named in honor of morons, and which no one else ever set eyes on, which informed him that it would please God if he took multiple wives, can believe anything. Said Tyson: "I just want to get it over with and get some hot dog in my mouth."
Sometimes, they're just too easy to bother with.
So, is Tyson stupid enough to abandon a foolproof plan in favor of voting with Russell? Well, he's stupid enough to stay in a church that discriminates against guys like him who just want to get some hot dog in their mouths. How pathetic is your tribe, when the weakest mental link isn't Voldepussy?
Tribal Councils: Sandra was frank about their all knowing Russell had the idol, and Russell continued his pointless lie that he didn't. Tyson said: "I guess it can help you in some instances, but when the numbers are this big still, it's ... it's not going to be that beneficial." My granny's goose, he's stupid. If you have the idol, and no one knows you have it, it's a big advantage. When everyone knows you have it, it's a liability. The numbers are irrelevant.
Parvati: "Tyson's a threat because he's really charming, and he's funny, and he also has connections." Oh please. He's not charming. He's not funny, and he's stupid. He's a threat to Parvati, because her game is flirting and prick-teasing, and that doesn't work well on men who "just want to get it over with and get some hot dog in my mouth."
On to the vote. As she voted for Russell, Sandra said: "You need to get in the ocean and wash your ass. I can't stand you, and I can't wait for you to go home." Gracious! As the Children text: TMI! (But I believe her.)
Russell "I don't have the Immunity Idol" Hantz of course played the immunity idol, but in the dopiest way imaginable, it would seem. He did give it to Parvati, in full view of everyone. Even Parvati couldn't believe he was doing something so half-witted. What could be more stupid?
Tyson could be more stupid. The idiot believed Russell, and changed his vote to Parvati. Fool! By changing his vote from Russell to Parvati, the Mormon Moron in effect voted himself out. Had he kept his vote for Russell, Russell would be gone. What an idiot!
Understand, I'm not in the least sad to see the gullible imbecile sent back to Utah, but I hate seeing Russell so close to eviction only to be saved, and I really loathed seeing Russell smug at pulling off a strategy so ridiculous it was genius. A master goof-up turned into a master coup by relying on the jaw-dropping lack of intelligence of one skinny Latter Day No-Saint-At-All.
For once, Jeff shouldn't have said, "The tribe has spoken." He should have said, "Tyson, you're an idiot."
In his final confessional, Tyson admitted that his own stupidity had been his downfall, but then proved the indelible, eternal nature of his idiocy, its most important trait: an inability to learn. For he finished with, "What are you gonna do? I'm still pretty awesome." No he's not. He proved beyond any shadow of a doubt, beyond any quark of ambiguity, that the only awesome thing about him is his awesome imbecility. He's epically doltish, even for a Mormon.
And best of all, he left before the food was served, so he didn't even get that much-desired hot dog in his mouth. They'll feed him at the hotel, but for a hot dog in his mouth, he'll have to wait until he's back in Salt Lake City's only gay bar: The Bar That Dare Not Speak Its Name. (or serve alcohol. Utah is like the world's largest open-air asylum.)
The Likeables are really going to have to pull some reverses to follow this council, the first time in Survivor history that a player ever blindsided himself!
During the Likeables' Council, Jeff had to hit Rupert with a stick to get his attention away from watching the Insufferables eating like 12 year-olds at a Labor Day picnic. James got a little satisfaction from the fact that it then began raining, and the hot dog buns were getting soggy, while I got a little satisfaction from the fact that James was getting wet too. But I truly could have lived happily without ever seeing Voldetool deep throat a pickle-relish-slathered hot dog, with a smug grin on her face.
James describing Colby's challenge performance, after first making it sound like Colby had first been on Survivor back in the 1920s, in the days of silent television: "He got slammed by the dragon-slayer," this being James's way of saying he got beaten by a little girly. (It took Voldepussy a moment to realize he'd just been tangentially insulted.) "Today he got beat by a cripple and a fat dude on the obstacle course." Turned out the "fat dude" is Rupert. That's a pretty low fat threshold. And is it a good idea, when you're trying to make the case that you should be kept in the game, to refer to yourself as "a cripple"? "Like finding out Superman was in a big girdle." (He must be referring to darling George Reeves in the later seasons of The Adventures of Superman, when he not only wore a corset, but also cotton muscles.)
Then James bitched about "Banana Etiquette." "If you go get a banana, you have to axe ever person who's in you're vicinity, if they would like a banana. Which is great, but in my world, if your ass is hungry, you go get a banana." There was more discussion of phallic foods in this episode than in an entire season of Queer as Food. And "if your ass is hungry, you go get a banana"? Just exactly which orifice is James inserting those bananas into? They'll need to be awfully firm. There are few activities more challenging than trying to insert a mushy banana rectally.
Time to vote, before the conversation turns to burritos or French baguettes.
"I love you," Amanda hypocritically said to the man she had just voted to evict, as the tribe ousted the player so strong, he still whipped butt even hobbled, while they kept the morose, defeatist old man who, though hale and healthy, had still been beaten by a fat dude (Sorry Rupert. James made me say it.) and a cripple, not to mention some very lame girls. Fat Superman remained. My gorgeous James left. Don't be surprised if these columns drop in entertainment value from here on in, as I can hardly be expected to watch with such avid interest with no one to engage my lust.
"Have a shot for us," suggested JT kindly.
"I'm gonna be good and drunk in the next five minutes," said James, showing that his wisdom equals his beauty, just before almost completing his own hobbling by tumbling down the stairs. James, drop by Morehead Heights anytime at all, and I promise to get you so drunk, you won't know top from bottom, which is all right, because I'll know. However, Little Dougie requests that you remember, full Banana Etiquette is in force.
And when we finally saw who voted for whom: Et Tu, Rupert?
In the previews of next week when the show returns to Thursday nights, we saw Rob gunning hard and heavy for now-idoless Russell. Drat! That means he's safe for yet another week. Cheers darlings.
Follow Tallulah Morehead on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@DouglasMcEwan