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Tallulah Morehead Headshot

Survivor: Heroes vs Villains: The Tin-Brained Woodman is Rusty.

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It's almost over. Just one little hour tonight, and then the big two-hour finale followed by live reunion show, which will hopefully be the last anyone ever sees of Darth Baggins. I'm feeling punchy, but if I can just write through the pain, I'll be done so soon.

Parvati was shocked by Danielle's ouster. Now she knows Darth is more dangerous than anyone else, so she's targeting -- Rupert and Colby. Get rid of Darth, before he gets rid of you.

But Darth, in a Freudian slip, let escape his real goal: "I just got rid of [Parvati's] main alliance. Now she has nobody to lean her head on but me." Yup, it's all about canoodling.

It's Visitors From Home Day. Treemail was delivered in a Product Placement gizmo which hasn't paid me to advertise it here, and so shall remain nameless. The point was to see videos of who was in Samoa, waiting to be the Reward Challenge Prize. It was the usual mix: Rupert's wife, Colby's Brother, Sandra's uncle, a string of anonymous one-night-stands for Parvati, etc., but there was one joker in the woodpile: Mrs. Darth Baggins, Russell's Woman. Just when he'd gotten Parvati right where he wanted her, the ball-and-chain shows up. "Act casual!" he probably hissed to Parvati.

Reward Challenge: When Jeff announced that part of the reward was to spend time with their designated Loved One, I knew Darth would be trying to throw the challenge. He couldn't allow Parvati and The Wife to canoodle together with him. Instead of Survivor winnings, he'd be looking at alimony losses.

Mrs. Baggins cried when reunited with her smelly husband. If I'd been separated from him long enough to shoot two Survivor series back-to-back in Samoa, and then was forced back together with him again, I'd cry too. I'd sob, shriek, scream, and possibly commit homicide. "They told me there was no chance you'd live this long out here," she should have said.

Jeff Probst, introducing Rupert's wench: "Rupert, there's only one person gonna be out there, right?" Is Jeff implying that Rupert has no friends? How rude. America loves Rupert.

Each player would be playing with their Loved One, so you were screwed if you had a lame-o Loved One. It was passing water up a bucket chain, only with throwing the water through the air to your partner to catch, who then pours it into a sluice-Rube-Goldberg-thingee that would do stuff to announce a winner. The winning pair got to fly to another island to "experience The Blowholes." I love The Blowholes, and catch their every gig, no matter how modest the venue, but their act is awfully risque for CBS. The losing Loved Ones would be shot, and their dead carcasses fed to wild boars.

Playing the challenge involved Darth repeatedly throwing buckets of water in his wife's face. That's worth a whole season of The Marriage Ref.

A lifetime of sibling resentment came amusingly bubbling up between Colby and his brother during the play, as Colby's season-long lameness rose to the fore yet again. He took out his frustration by snapping angrily at his brother, imprecations like: "Reed, talk to me, for God's sake!" or "Mom always liked you best!" or Why did you tell about the magazines?" Good family entertainment. Even Jeff noticed it, "Colby blaming everything on his big brother."

Jerri and her sister Jennifer won it. (You didn't think a man would come all the way to Samoa to see Jerri, did you?) The relief on Mrs. Baggins face when she and Darth lost was palpable. They had come a close second. A challenge in which Darth's wife face functioned as his target naturally had given him an unlooked-for advantage. Colby and his brother were no longer speaking, and we had to watch Rupert make out with his wife.

Now came the loyalty test. Jerri got to choose one other couple to go along, fostering gratitude in them, and resentment in all the others left behind to plot against her. She chose Parvati and some old sugar daddy claiming to be her father. (Think about it. If this slut was your daughter, would you go on TV with her, or hide in shame?)

Jerri then begged for the chance to invite another couple, and Jeff, in some weird good mood, said okay. Why not just let everyone go, and have no consequences for losing at all? She chose Sandra and her uncle. Now how will this look to Darth?

Darth's touching last words to his wife were "She screwed up." Not I love you, or kiss our girls for me. No. "She screwed up." All he was about now was revenge on Jerri, for choosing Parvati and Sandra over him.

I was hoping to see The Blowholes, who are old drinking and blowing buddies of mine, but all we saw were the players and their Loved Ones looking at some geysers in reefs. They stood around throwing their huge nuts into holes, and watching how far those nuts flew when the big spurts hit. It was a lot like The Blowholes stage act, only with cocoanuts substituted for ping-pong balls, and no donkey.

During the picnic after, Jerri expressed her fear that Darth would want vengeance for being excluded, and Parvati and Sandra pledged loyalty, and blah, blah, blah.

Back at the Yo-Yo Camp: "These girls are a bunch of unappreciative little bitches, both of 'em." When Darth's true colors fly, how tasteful they always are. He was out now to get Colby and Rupert to help him punish Jerri for not taking him to The Blowholes, although why Colby and Rupert would care about Darth getting snubbed escapes me.

But that's okay, because after about five minutes or less, Darth moved his target over to Parvati. Rupert and Colby, desperate for allies, any allies, made a Final Three Pact with him. And Darth promised to get Jerri to vote with them against Parvati. Guys, gals, everyone, if he doesn't win immunity, vote out Darth. "[Parvati] is the only one who could give me a shot for [the million dollars] in my mind." said Darth. However, the voting won't take place in his mind, but on the jury, and the only way he'll ever get a jury vote is if he's on the jury to cast it.

When everyone went nighty-night, Rupert decided to start sawing wood, chopping wood, snapping wood, and basically doing anything he could think of to make noise with wood, waking up and annoying his sleeping tribemates whom he would soon be hoping wouldn't vote him out. Why couldn't he quietly massage the wood, like most men after lights out? The Woodman has a heart, but maybe he should have asked Oz, The Great & Terrible, for a brain also.

Unable to sleep with the tin-brained woodman at work, Jerri went off to negotiate with Darth. Asked if he was mad about not getting to see The Blowholes, or the geysers on the beach, Darth said: "I wasn't mad, I was just wanting to see my wife." which was two lies. Still, he offered to take Jerri all the way to the end, just her and him, which is what he now promises everyone he sits down with, including the camera crew. In fact, he sent me an offer to take me to The Final Two if I'd just write that he wins the game in this column, regardless of how it all comes out on TV.

Immunity Challenge: This was another form of endurance challenge. They had to keep a large pole erect on each hand. I'd have had this one in a walk. That was my USO Act when I entertained the troops during the wars. (I'm assuming they were all American troops. It's so hard to be certain when they're out of uniform.) Actually, I used to perform a variation of this challenge, in which I actually kept four poles erect at once, by also employing my feet. (FDR called my act "What the war is all about." Talk about praise!)

Continuing his string of lame challenge performances, Colby went out first, at fifteen seconds. His appeal has so tarnished in ten years, that he not only couldn't get Little Dougie's pole erect anymore, but he couldn't manage his own either. Pathetic.

Sandra was also playing true-to-form, and was out of it before a full minute had passed. Colby's embarrassment was still warm when Sandra's pole collapsed. How did she ever become a mother?

Darth was out next, though at least a full minute had passed. Then Jerri followed closely behind, leaving it once again down to Rupert and Parvati. It was a nail-biter at the end, but Rupert finally fell. Parvati was safe once again. No way she's getting voted out. Rupert then said Plan B was Sandra. Ah, but she has a secret idol, and besides, now is a perfect opportunity to take out Darth.

Darth to Parvati: "It's Rupert for sure." So much for that Final Three Pact.

Sandra came to Rupert proposing to eliminate Darth. Go Sandra. Rupert, instead of just joining up with her, and getting Darth out, had an attack of that if-it's-me-and-Darth-before-the-jury-they'll-vote-me-the-money sickness that has been keeping the little jack-ass alive in the game. So Rupert went running over to Darth, the man trying to get people to vote he, Rupert, out, to tattle on Sandra. He knows he can't trust Darth, and yet he is anyway. Rupert, I love you, but you make me want to slap you sometimes.

Darth came over to where Sandra was lolling with Parvati, and asked Sandra if she's with him or against him. She opted for against him, which was very up front of her. Now Darth was gunning for her. He tried threatening her, as threats are his normal life response to any stimuli, but Sandra didn't care. Why should she? She's got a hidden immunity idol.

"Rupert," Sandra yelled, annoyed at the quick betrayal, "Loose lips sink ships." So do ice bergs, now who are you voting out?

And before going to council, Sandra announced to us her intention to commit a classic Survivor blunder. Although it is the last council at which the Hidden Immunity Idol can be played, and there is therefore no reason whatever to take a chance and not use it, she stated she didn't think she'd use it, because she was sure she didn't need to: the most-famous of Survivor last words.

Tribal Council: They rehashed what I've just rehashed, only without my jokes. Let's get to the vote:

Having grown suspicious during Council, Sandra wised up, and uttered the immortal words "I would hate to go home with the idol in my bra." Nice to hear she found a place on her person where no one would notice a hidden idol.

And thus did Rupert's desire to have Darth beside him before the jury get him evicted. Rupert, Rupert, Rupert, all you had to do was listen to me, and vote out Darth, but nooooooo. You knew he was a liar. You knew he was a liar!

In his exit interview, Rupert said: "Maybe I'm not destined to win Survivor" Maybe??? Rupert, you've played three times now, and lost every time. I think the last trace of doubt is washed away. But you're still a candidate to be Island Guardian, unless Ben Linus kills you.

I'll be back Monday morning with the finale and live reunion show when, hopefully, we will see the last forever of Darth Russell Baggins Hantz, because I am sure tired of looking at him and writing about him.

Cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.