Jeff opened the big three hour finale and reunion show by reading my recaps aloud over clips, only he cut all the good jokes. Well, Colby remained, and he's still a joke.
After council, Darth was pissed at Sandra for playing exactly the same way he does. How dare she use my tactics. "I don't want to talk about it." he said when his hypocrisy was pointed out to his ugly face. Then he decided that Parvati knew about Sandra's idol, when she didn't, and accused her of lying about it. So he began campaigning to dump Parvati. He's completely lost what little mind he had.
Oh great, now they're getting puzzles in the treemail. Well better there than in the challenges.
Immunity Challenge #1: This one involved balancing plates and dishes until they fell and smashed. Who came up with this one? Jerry Lewis?
Sandra was out first, and those dishes will come out of her salary.
"Jerri once again unstable," said Jeff. So he's finally noticed. And her plates were wobbly also. In fact, she was next out.
Russell's plates fell next. No immunity. Vote him out NOW! Don't even wait for council.
Colby went out last, which is good for him this season. Parvati won immunity.
Did Colby fight and maneuver to stay in the game? No. He threw his legs in the air and said "Screw me!" He then told us he wasn't quitting. Okay Colby, let's see you earn some last vestige of respect.
Who did he go to? Darth, the last possible person to use as an ally. Oh please. Even Darth isn't dumb enough to face a jury with him.
Tribal Council #1: Colby's out. Just as in Life, no heroes are left. Evil will triumph no matter who wins. Colby, you were truly amazingly lame. There was some blather before the vote, but we have a long show to discuss, and I'd like to finish this column before the Lost finale next Sunday.
The Torch Walk: What is the point of this? It's always dead air in a 3-hour broadcast. Darth coming to pay his lack-of-respects.
Sugar: (Who? Oh wait, I remember now. The air head.) She said: "You can't win this game by playing good all the time." I'm sure she meant by "playing well all the time." In any event, she could at least try playing well, maybe just once, as a goof? Anyway, we got to revisit her pixilated breasts, and classy double-flip-off. I knew I forgot her for a reason.
Stephanie: She thought her reputation did her in. I have the same problem, Steph.
Revolting Randy: Randy said, "My lack of ability to communicate with 26 year old girls is what got me booted ultimately." And here I thought that that was what got him 100 hours of Community Service. In any event, his problem was that he communicated all too well. If he'd kept his big, nasty mouth shut, maybe people could have stood to have that pesthole around longer. Good riddance. It was nice in the montage to see James clobbering him with his bag once again.
Cerie: Darth said: "She was vicious in the challenges." She was vicious generally. More good riddance.
Old Tom: He said something, but they ran a shot of James limping shirtless through the woods, and I didn't hear a word Tom said.
Tyson the Mormon Moron: "I was basically the victim of my own stupidity." Truer words he's never spoken. "America thinks I'm an idiot..." No, America knows you're an idiot. "...But as far as I'm concerned, I'm still the winner." So he's still an idiot. He's a loser, no, double loser, except in his own private world, or as it's also known, Utah. Of course, an absolute inability to learn from Reality is necessary for one to remain a Mormon.
Walking along the reef on slippery, unstable footing, Darth said: "Careful." Oh right. Like he wouldn't love to see all three of those women fall off, break their legs, or drown. It's the only way he'll ever win.
James: [Wails! Sobs! Shrieking! Rending of my garments!] Oh my Dog, there James is, oiled up again! James, James, James, James. Let me lick your wounds, and the rest of you. Admittedly, James did say that this time around "I was more friendly, I guess." Well darling, you guessed wrong. You became known this time for being argumentative, and verbally attacking people left and right. If that's your "Friendly," I'd hate to see your "Hate-filled."
Boston Rob: Hang on a minute. I'm still re-running the James-shirtless montage. [20 minutes later] Okay, where were we? Oh yes, Boston Rob. Darth tried gloating over Rob's fall, and making Rob's tribute all about Darth's triumph, but the women weren't having it. Rob said: "When I first played this game I was 25 years old. I'm 33 now..." he left out and doughy. "...and I can still hang in there with the young guys." Yes, poor geriatric Rob. Excuse me, isn't he the same age as Darth?
Voldepussy: I knew I shouldn't have eaten before watching this. "We had some really good talks," said Jerri of her former lesbian-lover Voldepussy. By "talks" she must have meant: "She talked about herself and her imaginary adventures, and I said, 'That's awesome' every two minutes." Voldepussy's sound bite was Classic Voldepussy self-aggrandizing blather: "I know among all of the survivors that people have hated to hate, loved to hate, and hated to love..." Make up what passes for your mind, Pussy. "...I was and am number one on the hit list..." Wrong. Darth is more hated than Voldepussy. And she's way down on my hit list, although a hit on her would make my day. "...And I'm proud of that fact..."
First off, that's not a fact. As noted just above, she's wrong.
Secondly, when you're this idiot, you have to grasp at straws to find anything to be proud of. "...Inspiring other people..." Depends on what you're inspiring other people to do. Inspiring me to throw up (Dougie, get the mop.) is nothing to be proud of. If she'd stayed on the show longer, she could have inspired so many people to change channels that Flash Forward wouldn't have been cancelled. "...but at the same time making myself a better man..." Get a clue, Pussy, you're a woman. As for making yourself "better," well you could hardly make yourself any worse. "...and through all of that myriad of experiences, I found redemption." Huh? What? She became a Born-Again Christian? She thinks she was on Lost? She got traded into the Blue Chip Stamps Center for a nice fondue set? Planet Voldepussy is an airless place to spend time. Excuse me a minute. I need to rerun the James-shirtless montage again, to wash Voldepussy out of my mind.
Courtney's Skeleton: For a moment I thought they had actually stuck Courtney's skeleton out on the reef, until I realized that her torch pole was thicker than Courtney's skeleton is, and undoubtedly weighs more. Sandra: "I miss you Courtney." Well I suppose someone had to. I've missed her every time I've shot at her also. She's too slim a target. And poison won't work, because she never eats. Not her fault. You need internal organs to be able to eat. Food passes thorough her skull, and then plops straight down to the ground. But Ray Harryhausen did a heck of a job hand-animating her. No CGI for our Courtney's skeleton. Let's hear it for Ray. Said Courtney's skeleton: "Everyone was the master of the chessboard, and they were all playing a different game." You mean like one was playing Checkers, another was playing Scrabble, a third playing Clue(less), a fourth playing Hump the Hostess, etc? So what was Courtney's skeleton playing? Pick-Up Sticks? They did have an amusing montage of her wallowing in mud, falling over, awkwardly fumbling stuff, to remind us what a lame klutz she is.
JT: They had to pause and express their awe for his mammoth stupidity. Who was the dopier player this time around: JT or Tyson? Too close to call. JT was at pains to remind us that he is still an imbecile: "I think I did really well." Remember when you won Survivor: Tocantins, JT? That is "doing real well."
Amanda: Parvati said of Amanda: "That was the first time that girl has ever been voted out of the game of Survivor." Well better late than never. In her sound bite, Amanda at least showed that, unlike JT or Tyson, she can learn from her mistakes: "I think my biggest mistake in this game was giving Danielle back the clue." I gotta agree with that.
Candice: There seemed to be general agreement that Candice's big error was opting out of an immunity challenge for peanut butter sandwiches. Since I loathe peanut butter, there's no chance I'll ever make that mistake.
Danielle: Jerri said she was sorry for voting out Danielle. Little Darth Sunshine piped in: "I'm not." An honest statement, and a demonstration of the charm that should get him no jury votes if he gets that far. (I'd know now if I didn't have to wade through this pointless Torch Walk first.) "I was proud of the way I performed in the challenges," said Danielle over a few shots of her competing wearing a pixilation bra. That's like Heidi Pratt being proud of all her plastic surgery.
Rupert: "We hope your toe gets better," said Sandra, in a touching-but-silly moment. (It's already "better.") Rupert said something, but as it was over a Rupert-shirtless montage, I hit "Fast-Forward." Little Dougie's still mopping up the results of my listening to Voldepussy. Dougie, maybe you should just bring me a bucket.
Colby the Lame-o: "Colby, my favorite cowboy," trilled Jerri, who apparently never saw Roy Rogers, or the Village People. "I think he was the real, true hero of them all," said Darth Baggins, who wouldn't know a hero if he'd been locked in a room with Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandala, Neal Armstrong, and Christopher Reeve. Talk about faint praise! "I'm proud of the way I played," said Colby, who is generously willing to cut himself a lot of slack for his slack game, "I outlasted all the other heroes." Yes he did, but only because all nine of the other heroes were considered bigger threats than the wreck that once was Colby.
Final Immunity Challenge: Okay, this was kind of cool. They had to wander blindfolded through a labyrinth collecting necklaces. We got the fun of hearing the "Oofs" as they collided with the maze walls. It also held the promise of some blind "accidental" groping.
At one point, utterly lost in the dark, Sandra called out: "Parvati, where are you?" Why would Parvati answer? She's trying to win, not help Sandra win. It's not a team competition.
Once Parvati and Darth had all their necklaces, Darth tried groping Parvati (his last chance) to follow her to the finish line.
Darth won the Final Immunity! He will face the jury. For 13 weeks I have been telling these morons to vote that troll out, and they kept not doing it, and now they never can! I told them and told them and told them and told them, and they would not listen! Idiots! Morons! Fools! I hate all of them! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Dougie, the bucket, the mop!
"That was fun," said Jerri, in case any doubt as to her imbecility remained. "No it wasn't. It sucked. It was awful," said Sandra, far more accurately.
Darth is still in Fantasyland. He believes he'll beat Sandra in a jury vote, because Sandra has won before. Sandra might indeed lose because she's won before, if Jerri is the other member of the Final Three. Darth, it doesn't matter whom you take; you will still lose.
"I've suffered way too much in this game not to win it," said Darth. Oh please. The other players suffered more than you did having to live with you. And you don't win for "suffering." We've suffered far too much, having to watch you. Our only possible reward will be to see you lose, and have another tantrum, live.
Tribal Council #2: "Alliances are gonna get broke tonight," said Darth, in his trademark bad grammar, while Parvati grimaced, as she's the only alliance he has left to break.
Parvati's "logic" for being kept is that it's Darth's one chance to show loyalty and achieve redemption. Darth has no loyalty, other than to himself, and he is beyond redemption. Hell awaits him.
"Everybody has came to me today," said Darth, his grammar actually getting worse as he tastes his imaginary triumph.
In the end, Darth realized that only with Parvati and Sandra as his co-Final Three, does he stand a chance. They've both won before. If it's true that a jury won't award the million to someone who has won it before, that would be his only hope, though I think that jury would rather recrown an old winner than give Darth anything.
And it was a fitting punishment for Jerri for her betrayals in Darth's name throughout the game.
There was a very odd moment in Darth's last confessional. He said: "Last season, I brought two people 'cause I thought I could beat 'em, 'cause they were the weak players, and I didn't." What? This was recorded in early September, more than three months before Darth found out he'd lost the previous season. His shock at losing on the live show last time was clearly real. So how can he be saying he knows he lost Samoa three months before he found out he lost Samoa? What gives here, Palin's Pimp?
"Every man for himself now," said Darth. When was it any different for him? Then he wandered off down the beach, probably in search of one last hidden immunity idol, while the girls dished about what a douche he is. I'll give him credit for this, he hasn't repeated one of the errors he made last time. No one on the jury or in the Final Three knows that he's already a millionaire.
And Sandra made me love her by burning Darth's hat. Finally vengeance for Jaison's socks! "I should burn his sneakers," she added. Do it! Don't dream it; be it!
Darth: "Have y'all seen my hat?"
Darth: "Bloody hell."
Heh, heh, heh.
Darth: "If I don't get my hat, I'm ain't leaving." And in Texas, Mrs. Baggins is praying that's true, though I think the citizens of Samoa would take up a collection to buy him a new hat, just to get rid of him.
Final Tribal Council: Darth: "For some reason, when I come here, people look at me like I did something wrong." "For some reason"? He has no concept of morality nor ethics, and doesn't understand why anyone else does either, the sign of a true sociopath, and it's long past time we recognized that fact that Russell Hantz, aka Darth Baggins, is a true sociopath.
Darth said: "If I did anything to offend anybody in this game, I apologize." Way too little, way too late, and it's just him still lying.
Parvati, explaining her strategy, said, "I had to put a line of defense together, and that's where Russell came in. He was, ah, the dragon..." Voldepussy looked glum. How dare Parvati use the word "dragon" when she owned it? Hell, she invented it. "...and instead of slaying him, I kept him as my pet." This was music to Candice's ears, even as Voldepussy was phoning her lawyers. (All right, he's not really a lawyer. He's a pygmy that once took Voldepussy prisoner in an imaginary adventure. The pygmy, who was orange, replied in her mind:
Oompa, loompa, doopity do.
I've got another puzzle for you.
Oompa, loompa, doopidah dee,
If you are wise you'll listen to me.
You don't own 'dragon,' you stupid twit.
Legends have lasted since man left the pit.
St. George was known long before you were born.
All you will reap is a load of scorn.
For your stupidity"
Colby told Darth he was "delusional." First thing Colby's said in the whole game that I agreed with.
Sadly, Voldepussy got a turn. Never give this woman the podium or a mike. After inaccurately calling Sandra a "coattail rider" (Just whose coattails does she think Sandra rode?), he said to Darth: "You can be a very little man in stature..." He is a very little man in stature. Anyone with working eyes can see that. He's short. Move on. "...and also in word. And the example that you've set here..." Darth's not there to set examples; he's there to prove he's King of Survivor "...should have been 'only the penitent man shall pass'." So now she's quoting the ancient wisdom of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Waste of stolen words. Darth is never, has never been, and shall never be, penitent, except for regretting times when he could have shafted someone and failed to. Darth doesn't do regret.
It quickly became apparent that Voldepussy would be asking no questions. Why use up his valuable mike time allowing others to speak? To Sandra: "You were fairly useless in challenges. I play with strength, with honor, and with integrity..." said the man who voted out Randy a few minutes after swearing eternal fealty to him. By the way, Voldepussy, how did your game play work out for you? "...and I wish I could be there in your stead." Whoops. Maybe winning this game isn't about being strong in challenges.
Voldepussy continued of course. To Parvati: "As a Christian man, I give you my word..." Actually, there's no need to finish that sentence, because any sentence that begins with "As a Christian man, I give you my word..." is going to be a hypocritical lie. I didn't think I could like him any less than I do already, but he had to go and say he was a Christian. I'd assumed he was some sort of pagan. Besides, he worships himself so much, how can he have anything leftover for that Mythical Jesus guy?
Courtney's skeleton and Sandra had a brief lesbian love date. I hope they're not showing this program to our troops in Afghanistan. I'd hate for Mr. Sandra to have his heartbroken on the eve of battle.
JT referred to Darth as "Old Buddy." He knew him for two days, during which Darth played him for a chump (admittedly, he is a chump), and stabbed him in the back, turning JT's act of stupid generosity into a weapon to destroy him. Some Old Buddy. JT got Darth to admit that: "I really, seriously believe that everybody on the jury is going to respect my gameplay." What was that word again, Colby? Ah yes, delusional. The jury was showing a number of emotions towards Darth; none of them could be called respect. More like loathing.
Sandra on her lame challenge performances: "I'm not a physical person." She's not? What is she then? Ethereal? Fictional? Gaseous?
JT was just not having a woman win, even if it meant rewarding the man who betrayed him the worst. JT's Freudian slip was showing, to put it mildly: "I made my bed, I can lay in it... [to Darth] I'm laying in my bed, partner; lay in yours. I can lay in your bed like I'm laying in mine." Okay, JT, we get it. You want to lay Darth. Get a boyfriend, JT, you're the only person watching this show who hasn't figured out that you're gay, and have very bad taste in men.
Danielle, still smarting from Darth's knife in her back, asked Darth if he would change anything in his game now. "I don't regret anything," said Darth, showing he knows just exactly how to woo jury votes -- for Parvati and Sandra.
"I am absolutely, 100% undecided who to vote for," said Jerri, who apparently has not been paying attention for the last 39 days. Not good news for Darth, who sent her to the jury convinced she would vote for him even if he ate her children. Parvati helpfully told Jerri this. You could see as the Council went on that Darth was getting steamed at the way this jury relentlessly refused to share his estimation of himself. He was clearly dying to tell all of them off, to enumerate how stupid each of them had been, how easily he had backstabbed each and every one of them, and why were they stupid not see that they should reward him for screwing them with a million dollars. It's like he's never met a human being. But then, sociopaths don't consider anyone to be real except themselves. These were his puppets. Why weren't they dancing to his tune?
After accurately summing up Darth, Candice went a bit off the rails in analyzing Parvati's play: "Parvati, you kinda played this game under Russell's thumb the whole time, like a spouse in a bad, abusive relationship." Hey, that's Mrs. Baggins's gig. Anyway, Parvati deceived Darth at least as much as he did her, and maneuvered behind his back, while using him to cover her back. Poor observations, Candice.
Rupert clearly wanted to take Darth out behind the woodshed and give him some very tough love, the sort where you say "this will hurt me more than it will hurt you," and then it hurts him really bad, and hurts you not at all, unless your whipping wrist gets sore. "If you think you should be proud of how you got here," said Rupert, "you're sadly mistaken." Darth was rolling his eyes, and you could see "Oh you think you're the second coming of Christ" running through his mind. If only he could break through and say what he really felt, "Virtue? I spit on your virtue! Virtue is for suckers!"
To Sandra, Rupert expressed his regret and shame ("Shame? What the heck is shame?" thought Darth) for not listening to her, admitting he'd been "swayed by what I consider a disgusting human being." Some of the commenters to my columns ask me why I love Rupert. There you have it. He can feel shame, and express it openly. Darth refuses to apologize. Rupert, in a situation where the finalists should be begging for his vote, found himself instead asking for their (well, Sandra's and Parvati's, not Darth's) forgiveness. You could see he was going to give Sandra his vote by way of penance. Darth and Rupert live on different planets. I prefer Rupert's planet.
And Sandra was actually moved by Rupert's apology. Parvati was expecting Rupert to tear her a new one for aligning with Darth, and was shocked when instead he complimented her, and told her she deserved to be there. In the final analysis, Rupert has true class. Darth has none.
Voldepussy's vote was hysterical. First, she stood there a while, trying to figure out which end of the pen the ink came out of, and then trying to remember how to form letters. But after she finally wrote down Parvati's name, she said: "King Arthur's journey has officially ended." If the legendary King Arthur ever actually lived, his "journey" ended around 1200 years ago. And who is the Official" to make this "official" anyway? Could someone stick Excalibur back into Voldepussy's skull please? Take a hike, Guinevere.
Well now we know why Darth was so desperate to win Samoa. It was clear that, whoever this winner was going to be, he had lost. He might have JT's vote. JT is pretty stupid, and pretty unaware of his own not-very-latent homosexuality, but he has no one else's vote, and by the end of Tribal Council, he knew it.
Picking the votes up, Jeff said, "You're going to have to wait just a little bit longer." That was in mid-September. They had to wait until last night, so "just a little bit" meant 8 months.
The Live Results and Reunion Show: The live results and reunion show was in David Letterman's "Ed Sullivan Theater" in New York City. Darth had gotten a new hat, had shaved, and possibly, but not undoubtedly, bathed. Fortunately for the show, he made bail and was able to attend. If the judge had restricted his out-of-state travel, he'd have had to be on via satellite hook-up from Louisiana, and they have enough problems with filthy sludge down there right now, without this oily creature further polluting their fair state.
And thus did Sandra Diaz-Twine become the first-ever two-time winner of Survivor. And thus did Russell Hantz become the first back-to-back loser of Survivor Last time, he came in second. This time, he dropped down to third place, receiving no votes at all, not even JT's. Maybe, now that Darth no longer smells like JT's cattle, he lost his appeal to JT. Unfortunately, when the last vote was read , they cut to Sandra, when all I wanted to see was Darth's anger and humiliation.
But you know, Sandra deserved it.
When the other players came onto the stage, I was not pleased to see that James still has a severe limp. Is his injury permanent? Is he maimed? Must I be on top with my shaky pelvic cradle? Even worse, he was wearing a shirt. Worst of all, he was wearing pants.
When asked if Sandra, the only two-time winner, was the Best Survivor player ever, no way would Darth agree to that. He explained how Sandra was a lousy player. It was particularly hilarious when he criticized her social game, since that was what got him no votes, and got her $2,000,000. Darth explained that if she could win, there was a flaw in the game. The flaw is in his character, or lack thereof. Is it any news that Darth is a lousy loser?
Darth's solution was that America should be the ones voting the winner. Two points:
1. That would be a different game.
2. The last thing he should want it to be is a popularity contest.
Sandra incorrectly said that the only people there who liked Darth were the five members of his family sitting in the front row. Wrong. They only pretend to like him out of terror.
I was trying to figure out who the very ugly woman sitting next to Tom was, until I realized it was Tyson the Mormon Moron, who has somehow gotten more repulsive in the nine months since last we saw him. Hard to believe, I know.
We were all glad to see that Sandra's husband, Sgt. First Class Marcus Twine (not Marcus Diaz-Twine?) was there, back from Afghanistan, healthy, happy, and rich enough to leave the army. (He's going back in two weeks. Gadzooks. Your wife has now won $2,000,000 overall. Can't you get a better, safer job, closer to home?)
Darth was full of insane excuses. Sandra burning his hat flustered him before Tribal Council. There was no way on earth he was ever going to sway that jury, even if he'd had the 500 hats of Bartholomew Cubbins.
The show conducted a online poll having America choose The Stupidest Move of All-Time. When asked if there was cash with the title, JT was informed by Jeff that no, the "winner" of the title would have to give some money back. Good joke Jeff. Can I host a challenge, since you've taken on my gig of making jokes at their expense? (Which is my way of saying: funny line, Probst.)
JT won Stupidest Move of all-Time. Tyson was robbed!
They had a James-being-rude-to-people montage. Gotta love that. "I was more friendly, I guess." James said he had been having fun. Well, I've always found being rude to people fun too.
It turned out that Rupert had broken two toes rather than one. Sadly, neither of them were Darth's.
While Amanda explained that she lacks a killer spirit, and feels bad voting people out, we saw Darth sitting in front of her, rolling his eyes, thinking "What kind of wimp doesn't enjoy screwing people over? She's the second coming of Mother Mary." It's not just that Darth has no shred of decency in him; he finds decency disgusting.
They reran Voldepussy's crying jag. It never gets old. Probst found it "endearing." I found it hilarious.
Voldepussy said that watching her first season, she saw herself as an arrogant ass. So did everyone who watched it. So her adjustment was to weep, wail, and cry: "Why doesn't anyone ever say anything good about me?" Maybe she should try butching up. Maybe she should try going away and never coming back.
She said she woke up as someone else. "I'm humble," she bragged.
Voldepussy had also had an accident with her facial depilatory. The left side of her mustache went down and connected to her goatee. The right side of her mustache stopped at the corner of her mouth. In the words of Chico Marx: "You know-a what I tink? One snoop-a too much." (Tyson and Voldepussy are two of the hairiest-faced women I've ever seen. It looked like a sideshow in there.)
America did get a vote, for Player of the Season, for $100,000. Darth won this, as his family nursed their sore texting fingers. Darth of course carried on like this meant he was the real winner of the game, and King of the World. Actually, it was just another example of America's moral bankruptcy. One wonders if the money will cover the phone bills he and his family rang up voting for him, or merely allow him to skip on his bail.
Jerri looks better wearing way too much make up, as she did on the reunion show. Revolting Randy, with his head shaved, looked like Lex Luthor's dumb hick cousin. Sugar looked made up and coiffed to play her namesake in Some Like It Hot. (Or in the stage musical version, titled Sugar!)
So that's it for Heroes vs Villains. Villain victory. Darth's second consecutive loss (hopefully his last appearance anywhere outside of a cell). Next fall, Survivor: Nicaragua. If I'm still breathing (I turn 113 in two weeks. It's iffy at my age), I'll be back to cover it, and carp and bitch as I always do. I'll be back here covering the Tony Awards shortly, and here all summer covering the next season of Big Brother, or as we think of it: Survivor: Studio City.
Until then, cheers darlings.
Follow Tallulah Morehead on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@DouglasMcEwan