How smart is Russell? He knows his biggest problem after the Old John blindside is Star Trek II: The Wrath of Shambles, so the first thing we see him doing on returning to camp is giving The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, some BS about how Old John had been campaigning against The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, and how he, The Acolyte Russell, hadn't told her, The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, so that she, The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, wouldn't have to break her word to - I guess - God about voting off Dimwit Dave in accordance to His, that is God's, Divinely Revealed Plan for Survivor: Samoa, which The Big Sky Guy apparently micro-manages through the micro-brain of The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her. This is getting weirder than Lost.
Anyway, The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, bought it, bought stock in it, and paid Walter Neff a bonus for double indemnity. It made sense to her that the whole tribe, including all the people who hate her, and all the ones she hates, the 90210-ers, had voted to avenge her against Old John's non-existent alleged bad-mouthing of her, and wanted to do so without telling her they were doing so, in order to avoid compromising her honor with her God. I was reminded of God Himself, Groucho Marx, shouting about Margaret Dumont during the climax of Duck Soup, the most realistic war movie of all-time: "We're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did!"
With a smug reassertion that he's the smartest person there, "This is too easy," Russell snuggled down into the untroubled Sleep of the Unjust.
Jaison must smell "Final Two" in his fine, beautifully-sculpted nostrils, because he is now working the potential jury, ("If I get you voted off and into the jury, would you give the money to me or to Russell?" was basically how his questions came off.) Jaison, the Sure Mark of Death on Survivor is always overconfidence. The minute they can smell that you're certain of going all the way, they will turn on you and vote you out. Tread carefully. Here be tygers.
And so Jaison let slip, ever-so-casually, that he'd heard from Loose-Lips MickMoron that Russell "made two million dollars last year." Russell had told Mick last episode that he had made one point seven million dollars last year, and Mick promised not to tell this to anyone. MickMoron kept his promise. He did not at once tattle to Jaison that Russell made one point seven million dollars last year. He told him Russ made two million. The truth was bad enough, but Mick decided to tack a small lie onto his big betrayal for luck, and lied Russell's income up another 15%: a gratuitous gratuity.
In any event, Russell's secret identity as "The Richest Guy There," is quite thoroughly blown, and really, is there anything better?
Brett Two-Spears, having hidden in everyone else's shadows all season, noticed that there were no longer enough shadows in which to hide, and so emerged strategizing, alert to the now-showing cracks in Tribe Zsa Zsa. (Have you seen Zsa Zsa lately? Believe me. The cracks show.) Whose betrayal should he join? Jaison and/or MickMoron turning on Russell? Russell turning on Jaison? MickMoron turning on Jaison? Everybody turning on Natalie? The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, turning on her Liar God? Me turning on a FlashForward rerun? Oh, the suspense.
First Immunity Challenge: You remember the aforementioned Groucho's classic reality show, You Bet Your Life!? I always thought the show's stakes were a tad high, but the risk was worth it to meet Groucho, a total dreamboat! Anyway, tonight's first challenge was literally Bowling for Survival! What makes for more edge-of-the-seat viewing than bowling? Well, there is golf.
(Side irrelevancy unavoidable this week: Why is Tiger Woods famous and admired, let alone considered a world-class athlete? He can hit a small ball with a club to make it roll into a small hole ---- zzzzzzzzzzzzzz - [snort] Sorry. I fell asleep. As I was saying, he can hit a small ball with a club to make it roll into - zzzzz - Ulp! Where am I? Oh yes. Make a small ball roll into a small hole in his lawn. It's golf. It's the dullest viewing imagia - zzzzzzzzzzzzz.)
First match-up, Natalie vs The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her. Frankly, I think The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, has bowled against pretty young blond women like Natalie many, many, many times before. Never before had I felt I was seeing a very typical Saturday Night in the life of The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, except that this time, she wouldn't be consoling Natalie by buying her rather strong drinks after demolishing her on the lanes, as is her undoubted usual tactic.
Natalie's first ball: a gutterball.
The Prophet Shambles's, blessings and peace be upon her, first ball flattens nine out of ten pins.
Natalie's next ball - well, it knocked down less than nine, so who bothered to count? The match moved on before The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, could say to Natalie, "So maybe I could give you a few tips, on how to - ah - improve your score. Let's go back to my place, and talk it over."
Did they teach opera in a bowling ally? Because Dimwit Dave with his degree in opera, got the first strike. He could actually bowl better than The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her. If he wins immunity, the god of The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, will be thwarted in Her prophecy two Tribal Councils in a row. Who's running Samoa? God or Darwin?
In round two, The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, choked a bit against Russell, but she still prevailed. She just wasn't used to bowling against men. She wasn't going to be buying him a consoling drink, before taking him back to her place to listen to some k.d. Laing cds.
Jaison however won against Dimwit Dave, who completely fell apart. In the first round he'd bowled a strike. In round two, he pitched two gutterballs. Which meant, round three was Jaison vs The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her. My heart is with my future-ex-husband Jaison, but I truly believe The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, has spent a lot more time in bowling alleys than Oxford grad Jaison has, although, if it were Cricket, he might have a shot.
The God of The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, is a jealous god, and also easily-bored, as he was off watching Joel McHale in Community during round three, allowing Jaison to defeat The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, for immunity. Yet the God of The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, moves in mysterious ways, Her blunders to perform, for Dimwit Dave also lost immunity, and is back in the sites of The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Shambles is back on target, and that target is not Russell.
Not-Laura, last of the 90210-ers (unless you count Dimwit Dave and Brett? What was the exact membership rolls of the 90210-ers anyway? Didn't The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, take attedance?) began lobbying with Russell to send The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, off to the jury. I instantly liked this plan.
Russell hustled off to enlist Dimwit Dave into voting against The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her. Well he's an easy sell for that one.
Uh-oh. We have the makings of a Holy War here. So far, God had been noisily on the side of The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, who saw Her vision for a Dimwit Dave-less future for our children (well, certainly not for her children!), even if She didn't really come through and deliver on that prophesy. But Now Dave, is calling down his God against The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her. Said Dimwit Dave: "Miracles happen constantly ..." [I assume he's referring to Sandra Bullock having a $300 million dollar year. Makes no sense to me either!] "... If one happened tonight, I would not be surprised, because the Lord frickin' provides." I was moved to tears by this profound Biblical quotation. (Was that from Proverbs? Or from Exodus? Levicticus? Not Revelations; give me a little credit.)
In any event, we know now the name of Dimwit Dave's God: Lord Frickin'!
The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, is ready and steeled for the onslaught of The Lord Frickin' of Galu. "They've been gunning against me since Day One. Because I'm The Sham with a Plan. It's hard to compete against me." Well, not at rhymed couplets it isn't. If you think "Sham" rhymes with "plan," I got you so beat at doggerel. Honey, that's not a rhyme, that's just assonance. And Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon you, darling, you are one big assonance.
Thus spake The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her: "If Dave is not voted off tonight, I think Russ and I are gonna be having a chat." I think, if Dave isn't voted off tonight, that chat will either be in the jury room, or at the reunion show.
First Tribal Council: Thus spake The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, regarding last week's blindside of Old John: "I think I was more blindsided than John was." Yes! That's right! Old John's getting voted out was all about you! You think he had it bad? He's just voted out of the game! My God failed me!
This was a great comfort to John, who had egotistically taken his being voted out of the game personally. Imagine his thinking his being voted out was about him? Typical male.
"Great working of the jury. Well done." Jeff let his barbs show in his reaction to this amazing demonstration of the ego of The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her. Although I think playing the poor-me-the-votes-didn't-go-as-I-wanted-them-to-go card to people who have been voted out is a stupid working of the jury. Oh boo-hoo, Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon you.
And verily, the God of The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, did finally prevail over The Usurper, The Lord Frickin'. Dimwit Dave is banished to the jury, and The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, gazed upon Her handiwork, and was right mighty pleased.
But we are only at the halfway point of the episode. Rev up for the next round at once. We got tribe members to lose if we want to end this show next week.
"Brett the Threat." Okay Russell, you win points over The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, because "Brett" and "threat" are a rhyme. But is Brett a threat? He's done almost nothing the whole run of the show, except once, he won two spears. (He lost the competition though, despite having won two spears. Think about that, if you have absolutely nothing better to think about, which, apparently, I do not.)
Brett's threat in Russell's eyes? He's too likable. Russell wants the most unlikable person there to be opposite him in a final two. Oh dear, The Viper Queen is already gone, and Janice Dickerson isn't a contestant. Finding someone less likable than Russell may be hard pickings.
Unless .... [Gulp!] ... unless he means to keep The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her. The jury members all hate her. I hate her, not that you could ever tell from my fair and even-handed recaps. To paraphrase Henry II: "Will no rid me of this meddlesome Prophet, blessings and peace be upon whom ever I'm talking about?")
MickMoron is beginning to suspect that Russell might not want to take him to the Final Two. Took him long enough to figure that one out. So what does he do? He goes to Russell to air his doubts. Why? Russell will say whatever he needs to, to reassure MickMoron, and then wander off thinking, "If MickMoron is starting to doubt me, he must go now!" In short, he wandered off and painted a target on his back in front of Russell. Idiot.
Second Immunity Challenge: Oh this one had many classic Survivor challenge elements: wading, knot untying (always great viewing), bag-carrying, seesaw leaping, and blind catapulting. If only they added endurance-puzzle-solving, it would be everything.
"[The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her,] bringing up the rear," shouted Jeff, as The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, displayed fewer wading skills than she had bowling skills, just before a shot of MickMoron running up with a large pixilated blur where his butt normally is, showing that he truly needed to bring up his rear. I was something of a pixilated blur by then myself.
Brett Two-Spears won immunity. Brett the Threat's Reign of Terror-By-Likableness was to continue. And my beloved Jaison was in danger!
Not-Laura is in the eviction sites, officially, but now is so really the time to get rid of either Russell or The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her. Gentlemen, start your strategizing.
Brett and Not-Laura began working on MickMoron to turn on Russell. Is MickMoron bright enough to do this?
MickMoron took the plan up to Jaison. Meanwhile, Not-Laura started aiming Russell at Jaison and MickMoron. So her plan is not to divert to a new enemy, but rather to simply disintegrate the Zsa Zsa Alliance that has wiped up the floor with Galu as thoroughly post-merge, as Galu did with them pre-merge. It's a brilliant ploy, but perilous. She plays a trump card particularly well, by letting Russell know that his two allies spilled the beans to everyone about his being rich.
Russell went on the warpath. He confronted Natalie, who of course, denied telling anyone about Russell's being rich, which of course she would do, innocent or guilty, so what was the point of that?
Then, smarter, Russell asks Brett whom he heard it from. He gets Jaison as an answer. A furious storm is tracking across Texas now. He confronts Jaison. Jaison denies it. Again, what was the point of confronting them? Now Jaison is up at arms. The problem is, they can only get rid of Russell by blindsiding him, and Russell's trouble antennae is up.
"We gotta nip this in the bud, soon," said Jaison, although nipping something in the bud pretty much has to be done "soon," or it's not nipping it in the bud, is it?
Second Tribal Council: Dave, all shampooed out, looked like, now follow this, Kevin Spacey playing Gallagher playing Larry Fine. Not a show I'd want to see.
Russell decided on a grandstand play right off. The man knows how to give good TV. He stood up and made a thing out of wearing the Immunity Idol, like a protective charm. Of course, to protect him, he still has to play it. But just two councils back, he engineered shafting Old John for the sin of just knowing about it. Now he's turned into Max Bialystock, and is flaunting it.
It was Everybody-Pick-on-Russell Night. That should be every night. Not-Laura was proud to have planted "a skin-tella of doubt," though she probably meant "scintilla," but had no concept of how to pronounce the word.
But in the end, Russell showed he was still playing a game. He chose risk. He decided not to use his immunity idol. If they called him on his dare, he could be gone. Otherwise goodbye Not-Laura. Or please, Mr. Burnett, blindside us all. Vote out The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her.
It was Not-Laura. Humph. I don't like her, but Russell or The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, would have been better choices.
Dimwit Dave's "Family Moment" consisted of a whole load of people screaming over each other at him, not one word of which was discernable. It spoke eloquently of just why he had fled to Samoa in the first place.
But Dave did boast to us in earlier episodes of how easy The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, would be to control and to evict when needed no longer, because she was "just so dim!" I wonder if those words come back to him on the jury bench, as he watches The Prophet Shambles, blessings and peace be upon her, continue stumbling on dimly through the game.
Not-Laura grasped at straws to put some positive spin on her departure: "I think they [Zsa Zsa] all distrust each other a little bit more, and I'm proud to say that I caused that ... even if it was on my way out." Yes, who wouldn't want their legacy, carved on their tombstone, to be: "I sowed gratuitous distrust. I'm awesome!"? Because the last few players never turn on each other with mistrust and suspicion in the final rounds of a game of Survivor. Without you, it never would have happened. Of course, one of those losers will at least get to say, "I won Survivor: Samoa!" And you can take that to the bank.
And never fear that The Lord Frickin' is over and out. The Lord Frickin' moves in mysterious Frickin' ways, His Frickin' wonders to perform.
Cheers darlings.
To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.