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Splattered by Golden Globs: Preening in the Rain

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Since the Golden Glob Awards were broadcast on NBC, I'm assuming you didn't see them. Fortunately for you, my cable service still carries NBC as a service for elderly shut-ins, which pretty much describes me, so here they are.

In every single one of my award-show reviews last year, I said that they needed to hire Ricky Gervais to host, as he was funnier than all the stiffs they were using. Tonight, Ricky proved me correct.

Ricky started right out discussing his penis-size. It's so refreshing to have a man that gets right to the meat of issues, and knows an interesting topic from a dull one.

Most of the people there were wearing ribbons in support of Haiti. What a relief. Haiti would really be in big trouble without people wearing ribbons at an awards show. What a lovely way to pretend to be doing something meaningful. After all, that's how they cured AIDS. (What? They haven't? But people wore all those red ribbons. You must be mistaken, Little Dougie. AIDS is cured.) My question is, was anyone wearing "Screw Haiti" ribbons? Since neither Rush Limbaugh nor Pat Robertson was present, I'm guessing no.

Mo'Nique, who won Best Supporting Actress in a Movie, Flea Circus, or Boring Sermon for Precious, thanked God first. Mo'Nique, God isn't a member of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, so She had nothing to do with your award. Precious is one of those movies that critics all praise to the skies, that are heralded as honest, searing, deeply-moving, and a must-see, but that always look so relentlessly unpleasant, dour, and earnest, that I can't imagine parting with $10 to subject myself to it, when I could be watching something fun, with songs and jokes.

Mo'Nique blubbered all through her speech. Now I really won't watch this movie. Didn't she used to be a comedienne? You'd never know it while swimming through her moist speech. More water fell from her face than rained on the people waiting outside in the storm to see damp stars. Even when Mo'Nique was done, she wouldn't leave. It's not over till the fat lady blubbers. Or after.

Presenter Matthew Fox departed from the script to let slip, regarding the upcoming final season of Lost: "It's all a dream." Doh!

In announcing the winner of Best Actress in a Comedy, Musical, Improvised, or Pointless TV series, Modern Family star Sofia Vergara announced that the winner was "Tawney Collette," but then, I assume mishearing, Toni Collette went up and accepted it. I guess Tawney didn't want to embarrass Toni by pointing out her mistake. Toni said she came out the last time she was nominated, but that "I was in the Louvre and missed my whole category." She was in Paris? At least she kept her speech short, but she stole my signature sign-off: "Cheers." Plagiarist! First Cheers steals my "Cheers," and now this Collette woman. Anyway, I thought Collette died after writing Gigi.

Remember when William Hurt was sexy? Well the shot of him in the audience tonight showed that that's all over. Bald, and with a beard that would embarrass an Amish preacher. Rent Body Heat or Altered States to remember that he once was tasty.

John Lithgow won Best Supporting Actor in Anything on Television Except News, but only because people were terrified of him.

Why was Mike Tyson there? Is there a Best Beating-People-Up category? Best Rapist? Was Roman Polanski busy?

Sir Paul McCartney had to introduce himself, since no one under 35 has any idea who he is.

Why wasn't Avatar nominated for Best Animated Feature? It was a fairly good cartoon, certainly better than the abysmal Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. Up won, of course. These awards are voted on by men, and what man doesn't like being up?

Peter Doctor, accepting for Up, which he co-wrote and co-directed, got played off by the band. Why didn't they do that to Mo'Nique? She was vastly more annoying, was up there considerably longer, and left a tear-puddle that was a hazard to everyone else all evening. Pete is also a good deal more talented than she is.

Cool commercial for The Wolfman. Now there's a movie I want to see, unlike Precious.

They showed Pierce Brosnan reacting to how "hot" Kate Hudson is. He's old enough to be her father. Ew. That was creepier than the character John Lithgow won for playing.

Felicity Huffman's husband, William H. Macy, couldn't find time to shave before the awards? The man is 60. It's not like he's going to be sexy with white stubble, or ever was.

Phillip Burke, the head of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, the organization that sells the Golden Glob Awards, said: "67 years in an impressive number. [Not if it's an offer on your house.] That's how long we've been honoring the best of motion pictures and television." I'm sure he meant "most-generous of movies and television." He didn't even mention if the rates had been reduced during the economic downturn, or if a portion of the money taken in under the table to buy awards is being donated to Haitian relief.

The Mentalist is a "drama"? If you say so. Michael C. Hall wore a turban while accepting his Glob, owing to treatments for a non-lethal form of cancer. He couldn't borrow a wig from the hairstyling department?

January Jones lost Best Actress in a TV Drama or High School play, but she won Lamest Host of Saturday Night Live. The award went to Julianna Margulies for The Good Wife. Someone watches that? She made everyone wait while she kissed George Clooney. I would have too, and I'd have made them wait longer, like about 10 to 20 minutes, depending on how "fast" he is.

Is Cher made entirely of wax now? She's 150 years old, and not only does she have no wrinkles at all, she has no pores.

Best Song winner T-Bone Burnett (who was seated across the street, in a different theater), you should only wear sunglasses like that indoors at night (on an overcast rainy day) if you're blind. It's not cool; it's pathetic.

Up won Best Score. Well it's hard for a man to score if he's not up. Winner Michael Giacchino was more excited to have Sir Paul McCartney say his name than Cher, even though she was announcing he'd won, so we know he's not gay.

Grey Gardens won Best Mini-Series, Movie, or Beauty Pageant over Little Dorritt. Finally an end to the winning streak by that hack Charles Dickens! The productrix of Grey Gardens felt that a film about two deeply neurotic, ultra-wealthy recluses was "universal." Who does she hang out with? Howard Hughes and Norma Desmond?

Tom Hanks, who would know, thinks that sex with Stanley Tucci is a step up from sex with Alec Baldwin. Well who doesn't? Judging by the face he made, only Stanley.

Colin Ferrell, wasting no time, immediately mentioned his balls. I love that guy. Put him together with Ricky Gervais, and you have the whole package.

Most of the nominees for Best Actress in a Comedy Movie, Parade, or Spelling Bee, were Meryl Streep. She shared her award with all her other nominated selves. "It's just an honor to be nominated in the same category with myself." Her award was for playing Julia Child, so I guess the Hollywood Foreign Press thinks it takes greater acting to pretend to want to have sex with Stanley than with Alec also. (No one thinks sex with Steve Martin is desirable.) Were Meryl's earrings little models of the Eiffel Tower?

Queen Elizabeth Mirrin tried her best to make Precious sound like something you'd want to spend $10 to see when you could go see something fun with that time and money, but the clip exposed her lie.

Best Actor in a TV Mini-Series or Movie Seen By No One went to Kevin Bacon, without so much as six degrees of nomination. Bacon said he was honored just to have been nominated with Meryl Streep. He also thanked some guy whose shoes he'd stolen.

Best Actress in a TV Mini-Series or Movie Seen By No One nominee Anna Paquin, for The Courageous Heart of Irena Sendler, wore a dress cut so low and wide, you could see her courageous heart. Drew Barrymore won that award for being John Barrymore's grand daughter. (Why else?) She babbled: "I've been in this room since I was 7-years-old" What a long ceremony!

[INTERMISSION]

Apparently Lord Christopher Guest is directing the TV commercials for the US Census, since the ad featured the entire casts of his last three movies. Why is a member of the British House of Lords doing ads for the American Census? I thought we separated from them 234 years ago. Come to think of it, why are there ads for the census at all? Are we supposed to buy a census?

Quentin Tarantino was nominated for writing. Shouldn't he have been nominated for rewriting, since he rewrote World War II? Jason Reitman, who won, felt Quentin should have won, which shows that Jason shouldn't have won. Jason said that George Clooney is "one of the greatest men I've ever met in my life," which showed he's never met any great men.

Best Actor in a TV Comedy Series or Animal Show went to Alec Baldwin yet again. Alec didn't show up, as he's now afraid to be seen next to Stanley Tucci, who should have accepted for him.

Samuel L. Jackson still thinks he's cool. Samuel, once you've starred in Snakes on a Plane, you're all over being cool.

Sophia Loren was wearing glasses. Someone should tell that hopeless frump that men don't make passes at girls who wear glasses. I don't want to shatter your illusions (Yes, I do), but she's had work done. She gave Best Foreign Film to The White Ribbon, although white ribbons are so five causes ago. It's in black and white. They had to shoot it in color and then take the color out, because no one even makes black and white film anymore. That's not a joke.

What was California Governor Ahnohd Piece-Of-Crap doing there? So that Mike Tyson wouldn't the worst person in the room? I wonder how the Governator felt about the scene in Tarantino's movie, where Ahnohd's father got scalped by Brad Pitt.

Best TV Drama or Community Theater Revival went to Mad Men. Hopefully that will cheer them up. I'm told this is a good series. I've never watched it, as the idea of watching a TV series about advertising seems redundant. How do you tell the show from the ads? And really, I'm supposed to believe this is a better show than Lost or Doctor Who, neither of whom was even nominated? As if. Mad Men is about advertising, which is all fakery and lies. Lost and Doctor Who are about true things, like time travel.

When Chloe Sevigny got to the stage, the man escorting her tried to rip off her dress. Who vets these people? In her acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actress in Anything on TV Except News, she thanked her P.A. At last, an honest actress.

Chloe won for Big Love, a show that tries to humanize Mormon polygamists. Little Dougie is directly descended from Mormon polygamists, and the last thing he'd want to watch is a show about the horrible people his family had to escape from, unless it shows them as horrible people you should escape from. It's one thing for Dexter to humanize serial killers, but humanizing Mormon polygamists is taking things too far. Of course, these are the people funding the fight to "protect traditional marriage."

Stanley Tucci was nominated for his Lovely Bones, so I guess the entire Hollywood Foreign Press Association finds Stanley hotter than Alec Baldwin.

Christoph Waltz won Best Supporting Actor in a Movie, Band Concert, or Self-Indulgent Ego Trip, for Tarantino's repulsive bloodbath history rewrite Incorrect Spelling. This involved a few moments of having to listen to him praise Quentin Tarantino. I couldn't hear most of it over my own retching. Come on; people were eating in that room. Seeing Tarantino looking smug while he was undeservedly overpraised made me hurl. I really hate movies that end up making me root for the Nazis!

After hearing Tarantino praised, we then got a tribute to an genuinely great filmmaker, Martin Scorsese, the man Tarantino wishes he was, but isn't. Robert DeNiro confessed that he's stopped sleeping with Scorsese. Given how DeNiro is aging, I'm not surprised. Marty can do better.

Scorsese's award is the "Cecil B. DeMille Award," which is heavily ironic, given that Scorsese is about a billion times better filmmaker than DeMille. DeNiro said he thought DeMille would have been proud to be presented with a Martin Scorsese Award. DeMille, whose ego was as huge as his taste was tiny, would have been insulted, as he would have considered Scorsese's best films to be repellent trash, which Tarantino's are. Marty's films are great. Scorsese was very kind discussing DeMille, not mentioning the terrible scripts, embarrassing dialogue, and the "acting" of Chuck Heston, that marred DeMille's always-laughable movies. (No one in Scorsese's The Last Temptation of Christ ever said, "Oh Jesus, Jesus, you stubborn, splendid, adorable fool," the way they would have if DeMille had made it.)

In his speech, Marty praised the recent color restoration of The Red Shoes. It happens that Little Dougie's parents went to that movie on their first date, so perhaps it's best forgotten, lest it sire more Dougies.

Clarice Starling introduced a clip from a movie about William Hurt's Locker, which apparently does not contain razors.

Mel Gibson was allowed to present Best Director, so I guess they were fairly sure he'd be sober (never a certainty at The Golden Globs, where the booze flows all evening long, though it hasn't been as much fun since the old days, when Lucille Ball would get plastered with me, and start heckling the winners.), and that the award he was presenting wasn't likely to go to any Jews. I understand Mel suggested to Tarantino that he title his movie Christ Killers Run Riot. Quentin replied, "I think you missed my movie's point."

Mel gave the award to James Cameron. Mel hates you if you are a Jew, but not if you are blue. Cameron admitted he was the wrong one to win the award. I guess he just accidentally outspent Kathryn Bigelow. Imagine the idea of considering giving it to someone who made a film about human beings, in less than a decade, and for less than the Gross National Product of France. Cameron rambled on more than a bit, but as Ricky Gervais accurately pointed out, they'd all been drinking all evening long by then, including me.

The Award for Best Intentionally-Funny TV Series went to Glee, so we know there's a strong gay contingent in the Hollywood Foreign Press Association. The idea of straight people watching Glee would make for a bigger fantasy than Avatar, and would require far more-expensive special effects.

Why weren't people booing when Mike Tyson was brought out? Was this a pro-rape crowd? Maybe they need to wear anti-rape ribbons.

The Hangover won Best Heartbreaking Documentary. At last a movie that was Truly Universal. But why do people still get hangovers? I discovered the cure decades back: stay drunk. If being sober was really as "healthy" as doctors like to pretend, it wouldn't hurt so much. A hangover is God's way of telling you you're not drunk enough.

So the revolting Governator took time away from line-item-vetoing services for AIDS sufferers to come and introduce a clip from Avatar (which he called "Avadar"), Jimmy Cameron's overblown cartoon about watching The Smurfs on LSD. Now I really don't want to see it. Cameron, surely you have a less-disgusting friend somewhere in your Rolodex. Hearing Ahnohd make an NBC Talk-Show Wars joke would almost make me feel sorry for Jay Leno, if I didn't remember all-too-vividly how Jay Leno abused his job on The Tonight Show to get Ahnohd elected, and was standing up there, beside Ahnohd on the podium, the night Evil triumphed and he won. The Schwarzenegger administration has left California more in need of financial help than Haiti.

I notice Ahnohd wasn't wearing a ribbon, so we found the one anti-help-to-Haiti guy there, and if he'd been wearing a red, AIDS-support ribbon, that would have been the height of hypocrisy.

Sandra Bullock wanted to know if she had to thank whoever bought her Golden Glob for her. Yes Sandra, you do. She then insulted everyone in the industry who isn't represented by her agents..

Robert Downey Jr. won the award for Best Actor in a Movie Abomination for pretending to play Sherlock Holmes. These awards really are meaningless. He shouldn't be rewarded for that film; he should be punished. Downey said, "Guy Ritchie had a great vision for this film." Now that's just a flat-out lie. If that was a "great vision," he's blind. Clearly no Sherlock Holmes fans voted on this award.

The Golden Globs think Up in the Air is a drama. Every review I've read says it's a romantic comedy. But then, it thinks Avatar is a drama too, and it's a cartoon, as Sir Paul said, for adults on drugs.

Jeff Bridges won Best Actor in a Movie, Broadway Play, or DVD Bonus for playing Mickey Roarke in The Wrestler. This is the first time a Golden Glob has been awarded to two actors playing the exact same role two years in a row. I love Jeff and all, but he sure doesn't look as good as he did in The Last Picture Show, which was his First Picture Show. Cybill Shepherd has this effect on men.

Avatar won Best Dramatic Cartoon. How could you award Avatar Best Drama over, say, Precious, with a straight face? Was this award based solely on box office receipts? I can think of no other reason for it to have beaten the three other, far-more-worthy, nominees. (I'm not counting the Tarantino trash) Oh wait. I see now what Cameron's giant budget was used for: buying their Golden Glob. Ricky was right. Well, at least we know the awards weren't chosen by the Pope.

Let's hope they bring back Ricky Gervais next year. He alone made it worth sitting through.

Until the Screen Actor's Guild Awards, Cheers darlings.

(If you haven't had enough of this snark, here's my review of last year's Golden Globs.)

To read more of Tallulah Morehead, go to The Morehead, the Merrier, or buy her book, My Lush Life.