The Survivor Tocantins Diet: Cut Out Candy

Hello darlings.

On Survivor, the contestants have always proclaimed loftily that they are there to win a million dollars, as though greed were something of which to be proud. I am still waiting for at least one female contestant to show a little honesty, and admit that she is really there to lose weight. After all, the chances of winning the million dollars are 1-in-16, but the chances of losing weight are 100%. Even if you waddle in with a butt the size of our national debt, you will emerge looking like Olive Oyl after a fast.

And this week Tribe Timbira decided that the best way to slim their tribe down was to cut out Candy.

I didn't write anything about Candace Attorney last week as she apparently didn't do anything interesting enough for the editors to include her in the cut. Sadly, I do have to discuss her this week. The upside is, I'll never have to mention her again.

As always on Survivor, food issues were right up front. Jalapeno was immediately discovering that their ill-advised decision not to take any food in their raid on the truck last week has left them desperate for something to eat, so desperate that Joe Hunk led an expedition to a termite mound so they could all find a grossly disgusting source of protein. Why wait for the Revolting Food Challenge, when you can seek out sickening stuff to eat yourself? Remind me, next time I see a sign that says "Eat at Joe's," to ignore it!

Spencer "I'll eat anything on a dare" Student was wolfing the nauseating insects down, while JT Hick joined the geek squad by biting the head off of a really large, repugnant mega-termite. Boys, I know much better ways to eat protein, or my name isn't Morehead. Sydney Model showed she clearly knows what I mean when she said, "I didn't try the worm. After I saw Stephen's face, bleah." Stephen does nothing for me either, Syd, but Joe's worm was available.

Over at Timbira, Sierra Strep Throat decided she needed help finding the Immunity Idol, as apparently the instruction "Go to the only stick stuck in the sand on the whole beach and dig down" was too difficult to figure out by herself. She needed a man to say "How about that one stick stuck in the sand over there? The only one on the whole beach." So she shared the idol clue with Brendan Hot Pecs. Contestants, never share your idol clues. Your advantage vanishes the moment you blab the secret.

However, between the two of them, they could not find the idol, though they made a lovely, gigantic, pointless hole, which they passed off as a "bonfire pit" when they were inevitably discovered excavating the shore by Debbie Bad Nose Job. Well at least they knew what "paces" are.

The idea that loose lips sink ships has not sunk in for anyone. First Sierra blabs her secret idol clue to Brendan. Then tremendously-full-of-himself Coach Horrible Hair begins backseat-coaching Candace Wet Blanket on how to cook rice and beans, clearly aggravating her, and setting in motion this week's excuse for a plot line. It seems that someone who has graduated from law school and passed the bar exam doesn't feel the need to be told how to boil beans by a soccer coach with a God complex. Then, by way of apology, Coach Perv licked her earlobe. Suddenly eating termites didn't seem so revolting. Candy told us: "That man's got an ego bigger than Brazil." thus demonstrating that she was the most perceptive person in Tocantins. Doomed.

Continuing the can't-keep-quiet follies over at Jalapeno, Taj Big Mouth (her hips are pretty huge too, but that won't last on Survivor) blabbed that her husband is someone named "Eddie George," which impressed the hell out of Spencer Jail Bait and Joe Hunk, although Stephen City Nerd, like me, had never heard of him. Joe called Mr. Taj a "Heisman Trophy Winner." All I know about the "Heisman Trophy" is that OJ Simpson has one, so I assume it's some sort of award for murderers. Spence and Joe were so knocked out that you'd have thought it was an Oscar, you know, an important award.

But it also tipped everyone off that Taj has real money, and so she had stupidly painted a big target on her back by running her mouth. JT the hard-working cattle rancher was all set to vote her out right then. Survivors, keep your mouths closed!

The Challenge: Apparently they've changed the format this season. Instead of two challenges each episode, one for reward, one for immunity, they're just doing one. Is this a hard-times financial cut-back, like fewer corporate jets and smaller bonuses for billionaires?

The challenge was to play a form of two-on-two tackle basketball in a knee-deep pond during a monsoon, with the winners getting fishing gear! What? Where's the incentive? Being forced to fish seems to me like more of a penalty than a reward. A reward is being given someone to catch fish for you.

The good thing about the challenge was that the guys all played shirtless, so I could finally check out and rate all the manflesh on this season, which is, to be frank, the least attractive group of men this show has ever assembled. I will now rate and evaluate the men in order of bodily hotness. (Anyone objecting to my blatant objectifying them this way, please check out the billions of male-written Survivor recaps that last week all began with "Damn! They voted out the hot chick!" One set of Survivor recaps with the sexism running the other way won't kill anyone. This isn't Shakespeare, folks.)

1. Joe Hunk. Movie star handsome, a hairy, muscular chest recovering from a nasty waxing in the recent past. I'm rooting for him to win.

2. Brendan Hot Pecs. Handsome, very well-built, big nipples, and utterly smooth and hairless pecs. Superb abs. Nice crab ladder. If Joe loses, I want Brendan to win.

3. Spencer Jail Bait. A pretty child. Thin. Underbuilt. Tiny nipples. So non-threatening sexually that he makes Zac Efron look like Daniel Craig.

4. Tyson the Nude Mormon. Scary face. Creepy, wispy beard. Bony body, though with surprisingly nice pecs. Thinks he "looks awesome." (It was on his application) He doesn't. Wants to wear a "man tiara." Hmmm.

5. Stephen City Nerd. Not good-looking. His pecs are better than they looked in the first show. A tuft of pleasing chest hair in his cleavage, but boring overall.

6. Coach Horrible Hair. Creepier face than Tyson. Greasy, overlong hair. Tattooed like a gay porn star. Actually a fairly nice body, but between his face and his ego, the mere sight of him makes my skin crawl. I want him to lose - soon. I don't want to have to see him on the jury.

7. (Tie) Jerry Army Guy and JT Hick. We have a tie for Least Attractive Man. Lets examine them (at a distance) separately.

Jerry Army Guy. There's really no other way to say it: fat. For someone who has done real surviving in Afghanistan, he's tremendously out of shape. He'll lose a lot of that flab on the show, but he won't be getting abs anytime soon. Okay face. Hairy chest and belly. Likeable guy. I hope he does well on the show, as long as he keeps his shirt on.

JT Hick. Very likable. Boyish face, but flabby. Tiny nipples. Wispy body hair. How does someone who works outdoors on a cattle ranch get this doughy a body? Again, I hope he does well, as long as he stays dressed.

The challenge involved a lot of sloshing around in the water and the pouring rain, and several attempts to drown Sierra. Taj is not built for a bikini. She's nicely big on top; way too big below

Fans of girl-on-girl porn (all straight men on earth) will have loved this challenge. The women were tugging at each other's skimpy outfits worse than at that drunken, mud-wrestling free-for-all at Melissa Etheridge's last birthday party. (Which I won by the way.) Sandy was pulling Erinn's top off in fine The L Word fashion.

By mid-game, the players were wearing more floating, digitized blurs than they were clothes. By the time Jalapeno won, the game had turned into full-scale water-boarding, and the teams were lucky not to be standing trial for war crimes.

The fishing gear prize included a fishing net. That's right; Jalapeno won Annette. M - I - C - K - E - Y, etc.

Exile Island: Well first off, it's not an island! This is the second Survivor in a row where "Exile Island" wasn't an island. This time it was a large sand dune. What's wrong with calling it Exile Dune, beyond making it sound like a Frank Herbert novel?

The challenge winners got to pick a member of the losing team to go, and then he (it was Brendan Hot Pecs) got to pick someone from the winning team to go with him. How is it a lonely exile if you have company? He chose Taj Big Butt, without even knowing she's married to the winner of that Murderer Trophy.

Exile Dune had a weird twist: there were two bottles, one empty, one with a hidden immunity idol clue. Taj got the empty one. Brendan got this clue: "In tribal homelands is the thing that you seek." The meaning was clear: the idol was hidden back at his camp. Since big-mouth Sierra had already blabbed this to him, he already knew it, yet Brendan was stumped by this clue! He's beautiful but an idiot! If Hugh Hefner was gay, Brendan could be a Playmate. He's a male Kendra. Pretty boobs, no brain.

Taj wanted that clue ("I want to win!" she said with striking originality), so she wheedled Brendan to share it, actually saying to him, "Pull it out." Sadly, all he pulled out was the clue. Taj instantly explained to him its obvious meaning, which further informed her that there would be an idol at her camp also. No one on the show this time out can keep a secret.

Over at Jalpeno tribe, Stephen, who in the first episode feared that JT wouldn't like the New York Jew, had come around 180 degrees. He made this eyebrow-raising statement: "He might just be seducing me with his pretty country ways, but, ah, I'm smitten." Gracious. First we had Tyson the Nude Mormon who wants to wear "man tiaras," now we have Stephen hoping JT is seducing him. (No accounting for taste.) I see heartbreak looming, for JT merely said of Stephen, "We get along really well, so we have a good friendship." Stephen, he's just not that into you.

On returning from Exile Dune, Brendan made his one smart move: he lied to his whole tribe, telling them that Taj got a clue and he didn't. Maybe there's hope for him yet.

But Timbira still had to vote someone out, so the intrigue shifted into full speed. Candace did what I would be doing, and began campaigning to get Coach voted out. But Debbie Bad Nose Job tattled on her to Coach, who quickly organized a blindside of Candy, kindly calling her "a cancer" (classy), a blindside so straightforward, they couldn't even edit the show to make us think that there was a chance Coach or Sierra would go. Candy had been doomed by the big mouth below Debbie's surgically mutilated schnoz. Candace actually said to Erinn, "It ain't you or me." Has she never watched Survivor? People who make overconfident statements like that always get a nasty surprise at...

Tribal Council: Not too eventful. Jerry said "We got to know each other real well," a statement so naive I almost expected him to be voted out. Erinn is no rocket scientist, but even she piped up about what a croc that was. Debbie Bad Nose Job agreed with Jerry. She felt she knew everyone deeply after six days of playing a game that depends on lying and deception to win. Jerry and Debbie, I have a bridge in New York City I'd like to sell you cheap.

Sierra thought she was going to be voted out, and Probst seemed to think so too, but we all knew that it was hit-the-road time for Candy, who was unanimously ousted. (Jerry spelt her name "Candance." I guess his army training didn't include spelling.) Candy said she was "Really pissed off." Well duh.

The preview snippet of next week showed the tribes in blindfolds walking into each other for slapstick hilarity, and Taj proposing a four-way orgy with someone. I would not recommend doing a four-way with someone who's husband has a Heisman Trophy. I just hope this all doesn't end in a slow-speed freeway chase.

Cheers darlings.

To read more of Tallulah Morehead go to:
The Morehead the Merrier.

Comments

[picard922]

Hilarious. Got to admit the whole schtick is wearing a little thin unless you see the humor in it.