From One Single Mom to Another
Dear Nadya,
Hey, I get that whole wanting to be a mom thing. Like you, I chose to become a single mom -- though of course it wasn't my first choice. But I was jonesin' to be a mom just as much as you were. I went the sperm bank route 17 years ago and ended up with a wonderful baby girl. Like you, I was thoughtful about the process. But unlike you, I also had a job, money in the bank, loving parents who supported my decision and a plan for the future that went beyond the diaper stage.
Sure, there were times over the years when I desperately wanted another baby. The first go-round was so positive and my child such a wonder that I often imagined doing it again. But then I'd review my bank statements, recall the nights spent awake with a sick toddler, and the joy of hopping on a plane -- just the two of us -- to go to Disney World...and reason would win out.
And Nadya, you know what I did when I decided my child needed siblings? I became a foster mom. Our family has been blessed over the years with at least 14 children who have come and gone from our home but remain in our hearts. Dear, sweet children who, for a variety of reasons, needed a home for a while. Our lives are richer for loving them and Hannah has learned to be a big sister.
So why I am writing to you? Because you don't need all the hostility and anger that is being aimed at you these days. Not helpful...though of course understandable. When an article about my single motherhood appeared years ago, one right-wing group went on camera to say I was "tearing the fabric of the American family." You of course have been accused of much worse.
But here's the thing: reproducing is inherently a selfish act. Doing it on your own without a partner is even more selfish. Choosing to have 14 or 5 or 6 as a single mom who is unemployed is a singular act of lunacy. Schlepping one child to ballet classes, softball, and Scouting activities is taxing and expensive. How are you going to do that with your 14 -- and don't they deserve to participate in activities like other children?
All these years the growing legion of middle-class, college-educated single mothers by choice has been attempting to live quiet, happy lives. Oh sure, there's been the occasional dust-up over a celebrity single mom but most of the time we've flown under the radar. Now you come along and suddenly the words "single mom" have taken on a new and unwelcome stigma. Not good, Nadya.
My best advice to you is to start some college funds for those kids immediately, all of them. College, not collagen. It's not about you anymore. Whatever your dreams were, they must now be replaced with the goal of making your kids' dreams a reality...and without relying on the kindness of strangers. Make friends with all the teenagers in your neighborhood who might be willing to help out for a small fee. Stop giving interviews -- you're turning into a freak show. And for God's sake, teach your kids that there is more to life than giving birth. Someday the children of single moms may be in the spotlight and it would be good if they are viewed as sane or at least "normal." For my daughter's sake, and for the sake of your own brood, please become self-sufficient and just go away.
Disgrasian: That Chinese Sperm Bank Photo: You've Been Shanghaied
I conducted a little investigation and found that this picture first surfaced on the interwebz in late 2008, and it was immediately dismissed as a hoax by officials at Renji Hospital in Shanghai.
Alice Crisci: Too Young for This: Sperm Shopping From A Catalogue
Early on in my breast cancer diagnosis, I learned cancer treatments can cause infertility. Cancer forced me to wonder: should I invest in my future as a biological mom by choosing a sperm donor literally from a catalog and freezing eggs or embryos?
Louise Sloan: You Can Take the Sperm Out of the Man, But Can You Take the Man Out of the Sperm?
Sperm bank customers pretend that what they're buying is a "gamete," which came from the gamete factory, not from a living man whose traits and looks they may find duplicated in their child.
Bob Burnett: This Just In -- Sperm Have Rights
Queried as to whether the President ordered the termination of DeLay's account at the White House sperm bank, McClellan noted Bush's policy not to comment on an ongoing criminal investigation.
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WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
great advice...but WAY to late - 14 lives too late.
Very thoughtful article on this situation. As a single mom who adopted one child, I could not imagine having one more for the simple fact that financial burden would be too much. Ms. Sulemon is just plain irresponsible. When you have 1 or 2 you dont realize how exhausting all the classes, playdates and that your whole weekend revolves around your child but 14 good god. I would be off the nuthouse.
I only hope that the children get into therapy because they are going to need it.
http://www.newyorksinglemom.com
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
You express compassion for this woman yet you point out what most of us are thinking. It is simply irresponsible!! We do not celebrate this! She should not be a celebrity and earn an income from
interviews and donations. It just isn't fair. It is rewarding bad behavior! Yet, like others have said, I will pray for these children, yes I will.
PRAY FOR THESE CHILDREN, YES. BUT DON'T SEND A PENNY OF YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY TO THIS WOMAN!!! Let her get a job like the rest of us and start becoming self-sufficient. I respect that more than asking everyone for a handpout....
Wonderful post! This article is a great voice of reason. Anyone contemplating parenthood should read this. You are an inspiration.
Great post. I am a single dad and know how difficult it can be to raise a child nowadays.
Great post! I'm a single mom by choice as well, -of twins- and couldn't agree more.
You make some really relevant points here, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I'm outraged at what she has done, but you're probably right that she doesn't deserve the sheer hatred that is being flung at her.
On another note: Can we try to get rid of the standard for having to "schlepp" our children to multiple activities all the time? This oversheduling is really having a detrimental effect on them, and they need time to just be kids. They don't need to start building up a c.v. of activities to impress Harvard with starting at age 4. :)
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Isn't it interesting that those of us who are most upset by this whole thing are moms? Perhaps,as several of you said, it's because we've been forced to make choices based on finances, responsibilities, the realities of being a grownup. And Nadya has chosen not to base her choices on any of those things. I want to have compassion for her, but she certainly doesn't make it easy. I guess the best we can do is pray for the welfare of all of those poor children!
"And Nadya has chosen not to base her choices on any of those things"
While others of us may be suffering trying to raise our children in these hard times, even when we work our butts off. And she acts irresponsibly and immorally and gets rich doing so.
It's the unfairness. It's being rewarded for thievery and stupidity. We are watching this in the news every day. This woman is another bailout scheme. And the intelligent and hard-working among us read daily -- and the bailout players are winning.
There is something gravely wrong in this country.
I could not agree more. Those of us who made thoughtful decisions, maybe not our first choice...end up, by taxes, paying for those who do not.
I can't believe she said she is going to go back to school for her masters degree....that is money that could be spent on those babies hospital bills!! She should be sentenced to breastfeeding or pumping milk for those babies until they are 6 months of age!!
Sentenced to breastfeeding?
Amen, amen, AMEN!!!
Well-written, well-said: part of being a responsible parent is realizing JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD, and for her to be indulged at every level by her parents, the sperm donor and this clueless doctor has only made it worse for these innocent babies. Get a clue, grow up and get the hell on Nadya....you have too much work to do to remain basking obliviously in the public spotlight.
With three kids of my own I'd have to agree!
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