I've told my boyfriend I'm ready. We're beginning the exhausting search for a house so we can move in together. It's taken over three months for me to decide this was the right decision for us, but I've come to the conclusion it is. I'm nervous and scared but very excited. I had planned on having a little talk when I told him yes because I wanted him to understand, that although this is fine for now (more than fine, great even), at some point it won't be enough. As in, eventually, I want to get married. And while living together is all I need now, at some point, resentment for not having more will begin to set in.
So I tried to tell him all this. But I fumbled every word and failed miserably. I didn't want to sound like I was giving him a finite time limit or that at some point I was planning on issuing an ultimatum so instead I beat around the bush and said something about how I see us on a path. I tried to use the word path as a metaphor so many times I wouldn't be surprised if he never wants to take a long walk with me again.
So I only have myself to blame when he responded by saying that although he really enjoyed holding our friend's baby the night before, he wasn't ready for kids yet. "Ay me" under my breath was all I could retort with. We're told as women we can have and do anything we want, and yet when it comes to marriage, we're not supposed to do anything but wait.
Despite the many advancements on women's issues, one thing that remains mostly unchanged is the fact that many women still wait for their boyfriends to ask the big question. Modern feminism has not obviated our taste for chivalry. Perhaps we're attracted to tradition in all things romantic; perhaps it's simply animal instinct as there are more and more biological studies suggesting that males have a primordial instinct to chase a mate and females have a primordial instinct to accept the mate that wins the chase. So putting aside the possibility that we women wait to be asked because we've been marginalized for years by a dominant male population that has chosen mates for us, and assuming we wait to be asked because of our simple acceptance of evolutionary truths, this biological reason for waiting to be asked still puts women in an impossible position. This is the one thing in our lives that we can't do anything about.
If we decide before we get asked that we want to marry the person we're with, we're seen as pushy, overbearing, and as pressuring a man to do something he doesn't want to do. Yet my guess is most men would prefer we think about it beforehand so we don't have to say, "Thanks for asking, but I haven't really thought about it yet. Let me take a few days." So when do we decide? Men get the whole duration of the relationship to consider this. Once they do decide, they ask. Are women really not supposed to make up their minds till that moment? The system we've accepted still seems to imply we should just be grateful someone asked us and be ready to say yes the moment they do.
As loathe as I am to accept this antiquated tradition, no self-respecting woman wants to trick a man who doesn't want to marry her into going through with it. And I meet so many couples where it's an open secret that the girl is pressuring the guy to buy the ring already. People are always maligning these girls behind their backs for issuing the ultimatum and saying, "We've been together for five years, move it or lose it." But I feel bad for them. Aren't women allowed to ask for marriage when they want it too? She's not forcing him to do anything and he always has the option of breaking up with her. And if he does buy the ring at that point all his friends are teasing him for being whipped. Why do we only respect the women who sit primly with their mouths closed, doing nothing, and waiting?
According to standard rules, once I choose to move in with my boyfriend, I'm also expected not to want anything more. But I'd be lying if I said I'm not asking myself if I want to make a more formal commitment -- as in marriage. And if I decide that it is what I want, can I do anything aside from sitting around hoping for it? Can I drop subtle hints without pressuring him? Should I have a conversation called "let's talk about marriage" to ensure I'm open and communicating? Should I tell him that he has a certain amount of time to make up his mind so he knows exactly what to expect from me?
More and more couples are opting out of marriage these days. They move in together, they buy houses, have and raise children, all without getting formally married. For many people, this seems to work fine. But I know I'm not one of these people. I've always wanted to get married. I want the opportunity to pledge my love and devotion to the person I choose to be with, while family and friends bear witness. And I want someone to make that commitment to me. That being said, I'm not in a rush. We've only been dating a little over a year. We're both in periods of transition with our careers. Most of my friends are still single and the few that aren't have just begun to get engaged so I don't feel much social pressure. So for now, in the words of my boyfriend "moving in together just feels like the logical next step." I just haven't figured out how to explain to him, that in my mind, we haven't reached the last step. We still have one more to go.
But what are the words I can use to explain all this without sounding like I'm giving an ultimatum? I just don't know and I'm tempted to leave it alone and not say anything more because I don't want him to make up his mind because of anything I say. I want him to ask me to marry him if and only if he actually wants to marry me, not because he got sick of me asking for it. But if living together goes well, I don't want complacency either.
At this point, I'm simply focused on the moving-in part. I'm excited about creating a new home, about making dinner together in a big kitchen, about coming home to the man I love, and about having my own washer/dryer. For now, this is enough. And I'm resolved not to ask, hint, or suggest in any way that I'm asking for more. Because I'm hoping the moving toward comes sua sponte, without any prompting. Down the road if I start needing more, I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe that will be the time to start insisting he read my columns...
Follow Tamara Shayne Kagel on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@TamaraSKagel
The odds of an eventual successful, future marriage (with anyone) decrease with cohabitation. Frankly, NOT moving in is a test of whether or not he wants to marry. I'm old-fashioned enough to think that it would have been easier for both of you to know if you wanted to marry if sex was not already a part of the equation, but given your current decision, this male perspective on cohabitation is eye-opening:
http://www.thefrisky.com/2009-10-07/mind-of-man-whatever-you-do-dont-cohabitate/
I don't know how sharing a home and all that that implies (probably doing his laundry and cleaning up after him, etc.) will hold any joy for you without the commitment of marriage. Go for what you really want--marriage--and accept that it's probably not going to be with him.
It's fairly apparent to me that the goals for our arrangement were different from the on-set, yet neither of us really elucidated them. For her I believe it was, "one step closer to marriage". For me it was, "let's give this a whirl and see where it ends up."
From my heart I can tell you... put it on the table. Air it all out now. Your guy may a wonderful, noble man who fully intends to steer your shared relationship the same way as you. But you won't know that until you've made him say it, and say it with sincerity.
Think about your decision long-and-hard before moving in together. This event will change the course of your life. Do yourself a favor... Find out what he's thinking. Get him to talk. If he's unwilling or unable then you most certainly will have answered the question of "Are We Just Moving In or Are We Moving Toward Marriage?"
My advice is to bring it up with him. BEFORE YOU MOVE IN.
You may find out that your expectations are the same and that he will make a commitment to you in the future but that moving in together is just one step along that road.
-or-
You may find out that marriage is not what he ultimately wants.
It may be that if you've delayed this conversation with him, you already know the answer and having it definitively means that you will either need to move on or adjust your expectations, sacrifice your dreams, or lose your dignity to remain with this guy.
And while talking is one thing actions are something else. If you've been dating for a little over a year, and take a couple years to live together, then that's three years with each other. At that point, there isn't any more information you need to judge the direction of the relationship. If he hasn't proposed yet, he probably isn't going to and doesn't want to, but was too afraid of hurting your feelings or losing you to say so. You can gracefully cut ties and find someone who's goals align more closely with your own.
The time to first discuss marriage is when you're getting to know each other, before you even know whether you're seriously interested in each other. If one person thinks marriage amounts to being locked away in an institution and the definitive text on child-rearing is a one-liner by W. C. Fields, while the other picked out baby names at age 12 and believes marriage is the divinely-ordained destiny that every human either accepts or rejects, it might be advisable for them to know that about each other before they contemplate putting their names on the same mortgage papers.
Marriage isn't about two people making a commitment to each other. It's about two people who are _already_ committed to each other celebrating that commitment and having it formally recognized by their friends, by the local county clerk's office, and by their church if they attend one.
At this point we live in our own apartments with roommates about 5 mins away from each other and it works. We both enjoy our separate space and aren't in any rush. I'm not judging any situation, but I think if you don't/can't have a mature conversation about your future while making a big step, you shouldn't be making it to begin with. I've known my boyfriend for more than four years and knew then and now that he's a bit of a commitment-phobe, but I'm still not afraid to talk about our future. It's hard for him sometimes, but he says it's gotten easier the longer we've been together!.
Which is kinda junk. 50% of marriages that begin with the couple living together end in divorce. 50% of marriages that begin with the couple living separately end in divorce. Either way, the odds are pretty even, and we can choose the path that makes us the most comfortable.
Living together isn't key. Communication is key.
http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/the_more_things_change,_the_more_they_stay_the_same
If the man won't marry someone he is living with it does have some meaning. It's a trap many women have fallen into. Because then it becomes a thorn in the relationship, this "marriage thing" and it can cause a break-up. But on the other hand you get to know the man in a way you never could just dating him. It's easy to be charming and sexy a few nights a week! but throw in some space issues, money problems, and annoying personal habits, and one gets the whole picture! so I'm for living together- in general. But if after a year or so if the woman wants to get married then the man isn't willing as I've previously stated- it can be heart breaking.