It was just about a week ago I agreed to an article about my thoughts on having kids.
As a 40-year-old career women, an author and work in the relationship space (my husband and I run a matchmaking business), I am asked this question all the time. All the time. It's not even my family asking the question or my dad begging me to be a grandparent. Instead, the question comes mainly from people I have just met, people who find out that I am married and then want to know when I am going to take the next step -- start a family. And quite frankly, it's a pretty sensitive issue. I have realized the more I am asked, the more emotional I am. If you haven't experienced it for yourself yet, the questions go something like this: "So when are you going to have kids," and "Are you talking about having children?" "Do you like kids?" Some people offer me advice: "It will make you really feel like a woman." And inevitably: "You are not getting any younger."
Here's the truth. I don't know if I am going to have kids. What's more, I don't know when I am going to know.
When I see a mom pushing a stroller down the street, I stare at it, trying to picture myself doing the same time. It's a conversation I have had plenty, but there is still no resolution, at least not yet.
I love kids. I love the innocence. I love the smell of them. I love the fact they can make you smile when the rest of your world feels like it's crumbling all around you. But, I don't know if it's for me. And, I do know that the clock is ticking.
I lost my mother when I was young. She died of breast cancer. She was a great mother. It was what she lived for. But, after she died, I was always very scared to love that much again. And so, the idea of a child was never at the forefront of my mind. I put my career there once I got out of school and never gave it much thought -- until last December when I turned 40. Now, I stay awake at night struggling with a whole bunch of questions. Would I be a good mother? Do I want to be a good mother? Am I ready for that? Is it good enough to be an aunt and shower my nephew with all the love I have? And finally, the hardest question of all, can I even have children anymore or has that decision already been made for me?
When the article came out yesterday the headline next to the life-sized photo of me read, "We Say No To Babies and Yes To NYC" More City Women Are Taking A Pass On The Mommy Path. I have not said no to babies, or the mommy path. I have said I don't know. And, apparently I am not alone. The article quotes a study by the Pew Research Center in 2008, stating the number of women between 40 and 44 who've never given birth has increased by 80 percent since 1976. What it does not state is why. There are so many reasons why women don't have children, whether they are like me and have just not figured it out yet or they cannot have children or they have not met the right partner. Finally, there is the group who just don't want kids.
I read a bunch of comments under the article that called childless women "selfish" and "self-centered." Those were the nicer comments. At first I felt sad, then frustrated and then scared. But, I quickly realized that no matter what people say or think, at the end of the day the decision is up to me and I am the only one I have to answer too.
Bottom line: I have not said no to babies and yes to a fabulous life. Those two things can happen at the same time. I have said yes to allowing myself to take the time to make a decision that is right for me.
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Fast forward through ends of religious dictates, slavery, agrarian lifestyles to the arrival of turns of centuries, changes in mindsets and cultural revolution and the pill and women gained the OPTION to be able actually DECIDE if, when and how they wanted to have children.
Having the power to choose to become a parent is a relatively new phenomenon for western women (compared with the history of our planet). We haven’t all mastered this art yet. We certainly haven’t all gotten good at making these choices when we are young, college bound, leaving home for the first time and finding out whom we may want to be as women and adults.
There is no crime in not deciding. There is no crime in deciding poorly. Your womanhood, your humanity is not in doubt or in question because modern life is complicated. And actually requires more of you than being born and then rotely ushered into motherhood.
(cont..) And while, I have some sympathy that she lost her mother, I cannot see how that is the deal breaker for whether one has kids or not. Many millions of people (esp outside the West) deal with hardships and poverty as a daily fact of life, and yet still they have children, create families and don't wallow in this level of indecision.
I don't think it is selfish to not have kids, but I do think to be caught up in such OTT analysing at 40 is pretty immature.
Kids are wonderful, and for many millions of people children are, as you say, a very fullfilling, wonderful, joyous (and maddening and difficult and worrying) experience. For millions, actually billions of people having kids is part of life, there would obviously Be no human race should people not have kids. Equally, some people don't want kids - and I think that's perfectly fine. Why have kids if you don't want to - as you say it's their life. However, there is also the fact that the children we make are their Own person, they are not ours to own. And the fact is, having kids post 40 is not a good idea, it is not the best (as in healthiest) option for children. As I posted above, if a woman has been trying via adpotion and IVF then they have my best wishes, as those paths are frought, complex and take years.
But the author of this piece is still not sure.
You're 40, and you still don't know? I'll tell you - you're not. Having kids is hard (and wonderful of course) - making them, having them, raising them. Having babies 40+ when you are still not even "sure" is ridiculous. It's one thing if a woman is 40+ and has been trying for years via IVF or adoption (good luck to them, I wish them the best success) but not if you're still stuck in "should I or shouldn't I" mode at 40. What really gets me with your article was the whole I'm not sure becaus I work angle. Please, millions of mothers work (many in much more demanding jobs) and raise kids. If you want kids, you want them, if you are still in this childish (the irony!) mode of "gosh am I grown up enough yet"? "How much more can I Possibly analyse this??" at 40 - then do your 'possible' children a favour - stay child free. Children need loving, engaged, educated, selfless and Grown up parents.
It's MY life! I SHOULD be selfish about it! If I don't live my life in the pursuit of happiness, what's the point? Why should I "take the next step?" Do kids -really- make everything better? Because the parents I know are -always- complaining about how they're tired and sex-deprived, their house is a mess, they are out of food again...and someone is -always- asking me to babysit so they can "escape" for a while, even if only a few hours. And then there's the "venting" about the spouse/kids...some parents I know need some serious therapy/marriage counseling!
I get at least 8 hours of sleep most nights. My sex life is -great.- My house is never sticky. I go grocery shopping every 7-10 days. If I want to escape, I get in the car and go someplace. My husband and I play fight because we're so content we don't have "real" arguments [very often.]
I figure I've got a good thing going, and Momma always said if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
But I have a cousin that is 2 weeks younger (I'll be 31 in september). Her parents got divorced when we were 12 and her mom was horrible to her father. She hasn't spoken to her mom, her mom didn'teven get visitation at her request. She threw her who life into work (Paralegal) and in now "Aunt Sonny" to my son who she adores. Shes not ready to think marriage and kids though. She'll probably be in her late 30's when she gets a donor.
I respect your decision. Anyone who thinks they are wonderful at all three (work/parenting/marriage) is lying to themselves and everyone else. It's very hard. You have to do what's best for both you the person and you the wife. There are a lot of career women your age without the husband part! You do need to research infertility treatments though since it might help that decision along.
Thank you SO much. After reading the comments under "Are Childless Couples Headed Toward Divorce?" I was crestfallen and feeling rather alone in my "I don't know but I'm leaning more toward no." Now I know I'm not the only one who hasn't made up their mind entirely. And that's okay!!
Is there ever a pang every once in awhile as we get older and the option is now gone - yes. But it quickly fades. For us not having children was the right decision. And I'm glad that I never felt pressured to make any other decision than the one I did.
Trust me, if you haven't decided, you HAVE decided, no..
To this author,I also remember being the only person out of 26 people in my graduating class of nurses pregnant then- and for the next 14 years no one in my circle had children. My 2 best friends waited until they were 41 and 43 to have children. 1976 was the year I graduated highschool- Honestly, we were all kind of programmed with that in my group. Now I see this swing, which is people who have decided not to have kids- both of my children have decided they don't want to children. I am not bothered by that- having children is 24/7 for Somebody, and that somebody is usually (not always) the mother! Not to mention, I would worry about my daughter as her health is pretty fragile. It's your choice. I have never asked my own children that question, they told me. Can't imagine why strangers or friends would ask. Must be the same weird reason people come up when you're pregnant and want to touch your pregnant belly- I always found that completely off-putting, especially it was so often some woman I didn't know!
Often people will say that their children "are their whole life" because that is all they have left! I have 4 sons, I love them, but some days days they take every bit of strength and time to care for them, and for my wife it's even harder. Except for her, the children make everything else a second priority.