The LGBT Rights Heartbreak and the Great Work Ahead

Too often have I woken up the morning after an election having less rights than I did the night before. If you are a member of the LGBT community, this is a familiar sensation to you. As a lesbian, in 2004 I work up on the morning after the election and felt it was quite certain that my country must hate me. So many states had overwhelmingly voted to rob me of rights. How could that not be hate? I spent years pondering that question and seeking answers. As someone who has dedicated my life to public service, it is hard to orientate my work in a country that I fear may despise my existence, simply based upon whom I love.

This year, the morning after the election, I woke up jubilant, even if only on little sleep. I was in a swing state with friends and had only gotten a few hours of sleep, leaving CNN on in the background to keep reminding me of the amazing reality we had created. Shortly after awakening, however, I got updated news about Proposition 8 in California and how it had passed, robbing gay and lesbian couples of their right to marry. And at once I was jubilant and devastated simultaneously in a way I never had been before, and much too tired to make sense of it all in that moment.

In the days since, I have come back to the question of hate. And whether a vote against a community's rights must be based in hate. This was supposed to be the election where hope won out! But the winning out of hope doesn't happen without first there being lots of interaction with those who we think may hate us -- whoever the "us" is. The winning out of hope comes after conversations with any and everybody, with the belief that maybe they actually don't want to cast a vote that has anything to do with hate or discrimination or fear. The better angels of everyone must be approached and asked to vote for hope and equality, in whatever form hope is on the ballot.

The most of something that felt like hate that I personally experienced lately came in the last few days of this recent election season. The tone had changed. Those who disagreed with me on my candidate choice of Obama, and all that he embodies, were occasionally no longer able to just casually disagree with me. There was hate. I was cussed out. A dog was told to attack me and then sent loose, as I bolted from the yard.

Most of these incidents happened on one particular street on one evening. A rundown little street in a poor white neighborhood with almost more houses foreclosed on than not. Maybe once I would have stretched to call such an area working class, but I am not sure that there were jobs to be had by those there anymore.

I was there with my white woman self, canvassing, my Obama Pride button affixed to my coat, as it always had been. Several white men yelled at me for my support of a "nigger" and then spit on the ground as I wished them a nice day and moved on.

I grew up on streets like that one, in the early parts of my life. I didn't need to wear a rainbow pin in those days, because in towns like mine, everyone already knows such things. Those people yelling at me last week looked like movie extras who played those who yelled at me in my early youth. And when I was homeless and they wanted nothing to do with me, when a Black family was the only one to lend me any warmth in that town, at lot of the words yelled at me then were the same repeated last week.

One man yelled at me so vehemently last week that the woman he was with found me later on the street, three times, to apologize, to say that he was not her blood.

While walking that street, Dorothy Allison came into my mind. I thought of her books, her characters, while I walked up onto those porches to knock on their doors. I thought of my youth and the fear inherent in it. My fighting against the belief that such realities were all I had to choose from.

The sun was setting and no, I didn't feel safe. I wanted to light a cigarette, run back to my car and cry. But I also wanted Barack Obama to be elected the next President of these United States, and so I kept knocking.

Every knock was a moment of PTSD. My jaw would clench as the door cracked open and I announced my purpose. "Hello, I am with the Obama Campaign." I would prepare for the anger, the hate.

Towards the end of the street it took everything I had to will my feet to keep walking. I knocked on one door, after passing the three prior, which had been foreclosed on. A man who looked like many of the others who had just yelled at me opened the door. It was clear he was tired. I told him my purpose. He lit up. He told me proudly that he was for Obama, I gave him information about Obama's speech in town the next day, and the man grew excited.

After a few more houses where they more kindly told me to get off of their property, I was at my final door when another man answered. Beer in hand, covered in tattoos, somewhat young, ripped t-shirt and looking almost too familiar to me. I wanted to take a step backwards as he told me he was voting, and I asked if it was for Barack Obama.

He looked into my eyes with an intensity that I didn't know how to interpret. And then he said, yes, yes he had just last week made that decision that he would support Obama. The adrenaline of fear was released from wherever it had been clenched in me, but my body didn't know what to do with it. I sighed something of relief and thanked him for his support, while telling him the location of his polling place before walking back down that street, still trying not to cry, in the now dark, trying to find my car.

The thing is, really, that is how we won. You cannot stop believing that at the next door, maybe, maybe, despite everything we are told, there was a supporter who deserved to be contacted. I was terrified and tired by that point, and had good reason to be. But if we stopped with where we knew we were safe, without extending the grace of welcome and belief to more, we would not have won. That doesn't, of course, mean that I wouldn't be yelled at and cussed out a few times along the way.

I feel that there's something relevant there to the present state of the movement for LGBT rights. As the community grieves and seeks to blame whomever we felt did not support us enough, data interpretations may make it all too easy to generalize and stereotype on the road to blame. We do need to take stock as a community of what more needs to be done and done better. But categorizing those we think do not support us, and then casting blame and anger at the direction of those groups will get us nowhere.

For every few doors we knock on and are denied, there are more doors up that road where we have to trust we might be greeted with a more positive response. But the only way we ever find that out is by refusing to write off anyone from inclusion in a more progressive and inclusive community. It isn't easy work. And it requires an intense set of grace and compassion to work alongside a passionate spirit of being willing to fight for what is right. But we've seen that it can happen. We've seen it in this country this week. And we've seen the LGBT community be leaders of fierce compassionate organizing before. I have faith in us. In all of us. So even though our hearts are understandably breaking right now, I hope the healing brings us closer together. And our other gains this week only strengthen our resolve that there is the potential of better coalitions to be built. This isn't over yet. We knew that one way or another it wouldn't be. We knew there would still be work to be done, regardless of the outcome of the vote.

There is a quote that I've been unable to get out of my head this week. It is from the brilliant Tony Kushner's Angels in America and I think it speaks well to where we find ourselves now:

You are fabulous, each and every one, and I bless you. More life. The great work begins.

Comments

[BrooklynDav]

I share your sadness and frustration with the passage of Proposition 8. Marriage is an institution that bonds by love, and yet it is being used as a negative wedge to divide Americans. I'm married, and there is a feeling of stability and security in the concept of marriage that enhances the life of my family. To deny gay Americans the ability to enjoy this kind of union is truly an attack on family values. While many have protested since Prop 8's passage, I wish there was a national leader with the stature of a Martin Luther King Jr. who could focus Americans on this civil rights issue. I had a letter-to-the-editor published yesterday in a NYC newspaper that expresses this:

"The first gay marriages in Connecticut mark a step forward for a civil rights cause that has been stumbling as of late. With the passage of California's Proposition 8, which only recognizes unions
between a woman and man, and the vice-presidential debate, during which both tickets flatly refused to support same-sex marriage, the nation desperately needs an identifiable leader to champion the
rights of gay Americans. If only the president-elect, so ideal in so many ways for our country, was on the right side of this issue."

I admire your activism and passion for this issue.

[MichaelTustin]

You are a thoughtful and sensitive writer and person. I rarely write comments, but I felt compelled to after reading our essay.

I understand your frustration.

Why, though, are you certain that everyone who voted for 8 or opposes your definition of marriage did so out of hate. I would agree that many who did vote for 8 did out of hateful emotion.

In fact, I believe most. made their decision based on religion, or concern for their children, or their own moral beliefs -- this is not hate.

And you would find that the ultimate victory which you earn for would come more probably if the rhetoric seen on the streets were pushed aside, as difficult as that might be.

In fact, you might find that if you have attain a redefintion of marriage through the courts. for example that iitself might actually increase the resentment, contempt and, yes, for some hate. You would then have won the battle (the legal definition) and lost the war (created a mass of resentment).

The redefinition of marriage must come though consensus, not imposition. You must win the battle with the voters. When and if that occurs, then it will be the beginning of the world you want to wake up to in the morning...

[pnkrkgrl23]

Hi Tanene,

Prop 8 was definitely the bittersweet ending to last Tuesday night. I was devastated when I learned it passed. I just don't understand how people can in good conscience vote to take rights away from others. It makes no sense!

I believe we will see gay marriage fully and completely legalized in the next 5 to 10 years (not just civil unions but *marriage*). I think our generation and generations younger than us are far more tolerant than their parents and grandparents (not to mention much less religious). Hopefully the one thing this election has finally shown is that every person *can* make a difference if they get out there and start knocking on doors.

[Michale32086]

@DarthVector

}}}}
Some getting marriage at law, while others only get civil unions at law, is the segregated bathrooms of the family.

Separate but equal is not equal. Jim Crow has many forms. This is only the latest manifestation.
{{{{

Someone else made this argument. It doesn't hold water..

The SCOTUS ruling dealt with "facilities". In other words, separate but equal "facilities" (IE, schools, bathrooms, transportation, etc ) are inherently unequal.

This concept simply cannot be applied to the idea of marriage. There are many different kinds of marriage around the world. A Domestic Partnership, as guaranteed in California by AB205, is simply one kind of marriage. Yet all marriages are equal under the law.

The concept of "separate, but equal" doesn't apply to marriage..

The Gay Community shouldn't be so concerned about what label is affixed where. They are free to label their own relationships as they see fit. And that is all Prop 8 does. It simply labels what a marriage is.. BFD...

AB205 guarantees that domestic partnerships have all the state rights (save one) as male/female marriages. What the Gay Community SHOULD be demanding is for the State Of California to enforce the RIGHTS of marriage (as opposed to the RIGHT of marriage) by forcing private organizations to ALSO recognize the marital rights of domestic partnerships...

Michale.....

[Lance734]

I see what you're saying and from a practical standpoint you do make sense. But what we call things matter. Words can divide us as surely can physical barriers and facilities. That's a paraphrase from cases in the Massachussetts high court, Canada's high courts, and some dissenters in the high courts of NY & NJ where marriage equality forces lost.

And while the Brown v. Bd. of Educ. case was about facilties, that shouldn't be read to imply that separate but equal applies only to where there are phsyical places involved. That case, on its facts, dealt with facilties and so the SCOTUS spent time talking about them. But the Court also spent a lot of time describing how the act of segregation itself inflicts psychological harm upon its victims, showing how the reasoning of "separate is inherently unequal" certainly extends beyond mere physical facilities. The very idea is offensive to the spirit of the Constitution's guarantees of liberty & equality. Plus, also check out a 1996 SCOTUS case called U.S. v. Virginia. There the court opined that even in a case where the facilities were allegedly "equal" the intangible benefits of the original institution contributed highly to the consideration of the constitutionality of gov't mandated segregation.

So, it's not quite as clear cut as you say. But I do feel where you're coming from.

[Michale32086]

CONT

As to the SCOTUS ruling of "separate but equal", again I am constrained to point out that a domestic partnership is not "separate", it is different.. Just as a marriage in India is "different" than a marriage in America, and a Jewish marriage is "different" than a Catholic marriage. A Domestic Partnership is simply a different KIND of marriage, with ALL the same rights (as far as State benefits go) as any other marriage..

Now, it's my understanding that there are still private institutions that are allowed to discriminate against Domestic Partnerships. Insurance companies, Private Hospitals, etc etc...

But, if Prop 8 had failed, that wouldn't have changed anything. Those private institutions would have STILL been able to discriminate against Domestic Partnerships.

So, once again, it seems to me that **THAT** is the issue that the gay community needs to address. Who cares what the State Of California wants to call and not call a marriage...

The REAL battle is to make sure that NO ONE can discriminate against any couple in a truly committed relationship that DOES have the backing of law. Whether that law come from Prop 8 or AB205..

That's all I am saying..

Thanx for the reply.. You do bring up a very good point with the separate but equal issue. But I just can't see how it can be applied to anything beyond a facility-based issue.

Michale.....

[lennydaniel]

Hi Tanene,
Thank you for the article! We've been talking here about the awkwardness of being torn between the excitement of the fruit of our labor and the energy of our vision being represented in our highest vote and the surprise setbacks that seem to not now fit with the times (or at least, the momentum). It was tough to hear about you getting chased out of people's yards in these pockets of hate. Your heart is strong and your passion a blessing to democracy.
Continually listening...
peace and love, DL

[mscreant]

I'm on the East Coast, straight and married........what can I do to help? Who do I donate to...who should I write to? I want to do SOMEthing.............

[decafdyke]

Thoughts on what one can do to help:

Find out what's up in your particular state: http://www.freedomtomarry.org/states.php

Participate in a protest this weekend if you can: http://www.jointheimpact.com/?page_id=2

Write to your state legislators -- and not just once, keep doing it every time there's a development that could impact marriage rights.

Post to change.gov that lgbt equality and specifically repealing the "Defense of Marriage Act" is a priority for you in the next federal administration.

Donate to the ACLU (www.aclu.org) and the National Center for Lesbian Rights (www.nclrights.org), who are doing the heavy lifting on the court challenge to Prop 8.

Donate to your local LGBT community center or suicide prevention hotline, to ensure that youth who feel completely rejected by society when there are votes like this have a place to go.

Donate to the Point Foundation, to help ensure that people like Tanene keep coming out and organizing for change.

[amy07]

Obama ignored racism and ran his campaign with an undying faith that people of every race would come out and support him in large enough numbers to send him to the White House. He didn't waste his time hating those that hated him. Instead he challenged an army of vounteers to fan out and find the supporters. He didn't just look for those supporters in historically democratic areas. He found them in even the most unlikely places. Tanene's article illustrates that.

We, the LGBT community and our allies must now do the same. We can't afford to waste our time hating homophobes. While we need the Castro and NYC and our favorite gay celebrities and other known areas of support, we must look beyond. We can't wait for our straight allies to come out and back us. We must seek them out and tell them how much we need them. The Obama campaign showed us how to do this. Now let's pick ourselves up and do it!

[decafdyke]

Great post, Tanene.
While California felt like robbery, I'm heartsick about Arkansas and Arizona and Florida, too.
Moving forward, we need tons and tons of grace and compassion, which are hard to manufacture.

[Michale32086]

From what I read, Prop 8 is simply one of labeling.. It amends the CA Constitution to define what a "marriage" is..

Now, while I understand the importance of this to some, it seems to me to be a waste of time. So California wants to define marriage.. Big deal. The gay community is free to call their relationships whatever they wish. California making up a definition of "marriage" doesn't have ANY effect on samesex relationships...

I don't mean to sound blase' about it. I am sure that, for some, it's important. But it just appears to be minute compared to the bigger issue...

From the back and forth, I have learned that, while AB205 does guarantee all State rights to Domestic Partnerships, there are private institutions that are free to discriminate against SameSex couples..

It seems to me that THAT is the fight ya'all must fight...

It's not important what California, Florida, Ohio or Timbuktu labels your relationship... It's important that companies and people are not allowed to discriminate against you BECAUSE of that relationship...

Wouldn't you agree???

Again, if I am missing the point of Prop 8 and there IS language that, even tacitly, gives approval to discrimination, then that's a whole new kettle of fish..

But, as I read it, Prop 8 (like Prop 22 before it) simply moves to define the relationship..

Let 'em define it all they want..

The REAL battle is not letting ANYONE discriminate, no matter WHAT the definition is..

Michale.....

[DarthVector]

Some getting marriage at law, while others only get civil unions at law, is the segregated bathrooms of the family.

Separate but equal is not equal. Jim Crow has many forms. This is only the latest manifestation.

Spoken as a straight married man wishing all people the right to marry as they please.

[Romulus]

So get a law passed where the state ONLY recognizes Civil Unions and leave "marriage" to the churches. Let them have the word (marriage) as long as you get equal rights.