09/16/2011 12:22 pm ET | Updated Nov 16, 2011

Pantyhose and Patriots: The Big Government Time Machine

During World War II (back when everybody agreed that we should pay for our wars) the government asked women to turn in their hosiery, which was used to make powder bags in naval artillery guns. By the end of September 1943, about 46 million pairs of hosiery had been collected nationwide.

Here are a few possible responses to such a hosiery drive today:

1. Big Government is promoting bare legs and sexual promiscuity.

2. Big Government is no good at making powder bags -- let Halliburton do it.

3. The elites don't realize that Real Americans need their stockings to keep them warm.

4. Big Government wants to force you to buy new stockings to support the stocking workers' union.

5. Big Government wants you to catch cold, so you are forced to rely upon "Obamacare."

6. Big Government wants you to buy new stockings to support its corporate patrons who ship stocking manufacturing overseas so as to avoid the stocking workers' union.

7. Big Government has been seduced by the values of the Hollywood elites, who don't understand that Real Americans reuse their stockings for generations.

8. Big Government has no business making women bare their legs (unless the legs belong to a hot grizzly mama, in which case a different set of rules apply entirely).

9. Big Government is promoting an alternative lifestyle/homosexual agenda by assuming that everyone wears pantyhose ("why not call it a hosiery AND sock drive?").

10. A lawsuit against the hosiery manufacturer, for failing to anticipate that nylon hosiery would be requisitioned by the government and not including a pair that were made of some other, "neutral" material.