Whether it's family, work, relationships, or friends, we all deal with difficult people in different ways. Holidays often extract the most trying characteristics out of everyone. I recently became "adopted" by my new "yoga/God parents" Ed and Deb Shapiro. (Don't worry paternal family, I still love you guys. . . there is room for it all in this life!) Anyway, Ed and Deb help me put things in perspective, and realize when I'm wasting my energy fixating on certain things. Plus, they gush about how proud they are of me. It's adorable and sweet, and if I can be in the moment and absorb what is happening, it's powerful jet fuel for my life and soul.
Up until about 6th grade (this is so embarrassing to admit) I would cry whenever I was in the middle of a difficult situation. It was mostly due to the injustices of Catholic grade school, acted out by the disgruntled, jealous, emotionally and spiritually stuck teachers who held court there. This topic probably merits an entire collection of blogs, and possibly a book if I could wrangle submissions from my classmates who have vivid stories of their own.
My outpour was a reaction against people (in positions of power) who acted badly. I would always do what I could about the situation. This included accompanying other students when they were dragged into the hallway for verbal abuse, putting desks back together when they were dumped out by teachers (a psychologically wacked habit of the extremely dissatisfied), and dodging erasers and other blunt objects thrown by teachers. Most of us stood up for each other. We were a rebel army facing a cruel dictatorship every day for nine years.
A fundamental problem with my grade school approach was the lack of control over my physical reaction. If I had been able to have control over my feelings, I could have helped more. School was a lesson in humanity.
A quick story (one of the lighter ones) in dealing with difficult people.
I was in kindergarten, and it was Thanksgiving time. We were set up at easels and instructed to paint a turkey. While my portrait was in progress, Mrs. X approached and asked me why my turkey had only two legs. I thought this was an interesting game in reasoning, and she wanted to know how I knew that the Turkey was a two-legged bird. I told her that I had seen turkeys on my grandmother's farm that my family visited frequently. So by witnessing, Mrs. X, I know that the turkey is a two-legged bird.
Mrs. X didn't like my answer. She grabbed my hand that held the paintbrush and painted two more angry turkey legs on my happy turkey. Now my turkey has 4 legs. What a silly turkey! I kept the portrait from my mom because she would think I had a problem if I thought turkeys had 4 legs. I eventually showed her and explained the difference in brush strokes between the 2 squiggly legs, painted by a happy kid, and the other 2 sharp strokes done by angry Mrs. X. She believed me by about the 6th grade after hearing similar stories through the years.
My turkey painting was compromised but it taught me a valuable lesson in dealing with difficult people. It also makes a good story around holiday time.
We all deal differently.
Here are 10 ways to deal with difficult people without driving yourself crazy.
1. Have Compassion
How sad it must be for Mrs. X to be going through her whole life believing that turkeys have four legs! When we can have compassion for people who are stuck, it changes how we communicate and feel in the moment.
2. Extract from Personality
A trap in dealing with difficult people is getting wrapped up in their personality. When we can stay objective and remove ourselves from other people's roller-coaster psychology, we have a much better chance of moving through the situation positively. As Ed and Deb advise, talk to people on a soul level. They'll feel respected and you'll soften the situation.
3. You and they are the same
Yeah, I know this is an out-there concept. But when we can leave the rat race of our thoughts out of the situation, we realize the suffering others are dealing with is the same suffering we are dealing with. There's comfort in that.
4. Distance yourself from the outcome
Dealing better with difficult people doesn't mean you are always going to get the outcome you are looking for. Sometimes you'll get what you want by forcing your way. Is that the best approach? It might be at times, and we have to use our awareness and intentions to decide the best way forward. It can also happen that what we're so sure we want right now isn't what we'll want in 10 minutes or 10 days. Softening ourselves a little to allow this perspective is a great help.
5. Stand up for yourself
It's not always "all good." It's a trap to get caught up in the happiness of yoga and meditation and lose yourself to a blissed-out path. This mistaken perception of yoga has held back individual progress, and interfered with truly wide-scale access to the many benefits of yoga. It's important to stay solidly here in our bodies, and use good discernment in standing up for what we know is right.
6. Practice lovingkindness
I'm pretty sure Sharon Salzberg has the trademark on this one. In her work she leads meditations that focus on sending lovingkindnessto yourself, to people you love, neutral people you know, people you're in conflict with, and to everyone. It is a helpful and powerful practice.
7. Choose your battles
In a silly argument you may be right, but who really cares? You'll use more energy than it's worth. Save your efforts for more serious situations.
8. This too shall pass
Kindergarden doesn't last forever, and your moment of conflict will pass. And then there will be another one.
9. Vent to a friend
Unfiltered venting to a friend about difficult situations can be helpful. But it can work against you if your life turns into complaining.
10. Take the time to unwind
A hot bath, time with a book, or five minutes of meditation helps tremendously with recharging and grounding us so we are more equipped to deal with everything life throws our way.
And here is some advice from a few of my Twitter pals.
@MichaelTaylor8 Dealing with someone difficult? Remember their difficulty is their difficulty. You can listen, understand, maybe help, but not get caught.
@petitebelette I focus on my breath and think positive things! That way the primary concern is inhaling and exhaling to clear my mind :)
@weightroomtalk The first thing I do in a difficult situation is to make sure I dont react emotionally. From that calm, I respond appropriately.
@myMeditation I visualize them as children trying to get my attention. If I momma them, they calm down. I know that my calm demeanor helps.
@gregtarnoff Patience, logic phrase din their own words/thought patterns. Staying calm undoes the tension, don't play their game.
@SignalPatterns I go through 2 phases: (1) assume the person just needs affirmation and love and be as kind and attentive as possible... and -
@ookiee dealing w/ diff ppl: Patience when required; avoidance when possible.
@HaleyFitness Direct communication and a head-on approach. If I avoid the issue ot only gets worse.
@abbyladybug I assume there's part of the story I don't know that is making them act that way (temporarily or permanently)
@17_brianna The easiest way for me to deal w/ difficult people is just to ignore them.
@13BeatKing Deal w/ difficult people by being patient and staying calm. I accept that they're hard to work w/ & I'm up for the challenge.
@DorseyShaw Killing them with kindness usually works for me. If it doesn't, I'll just walk away before I'm force to kick them in the shins.
@LindsayVirginia I kick 'em in the shins.
How do you deal with difficult people? Enjoy and happy holidays.
Follow Tara Stiles on Twitter: www.twitter.com/tarastiles
Sharon Salzberg: Opening the Heart with Lovingkindness
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The second great point you make is about seeing yourself in the other persons shoes and yet just trying to be understanding and compassionate to their own demons they fight with themselves and what they do and how they react to you isn't your fault but their own inability to see the clear picture.
http://www.stopanxietyhq.com
Kill with kindness. Right?!
If I am disgruntled and feeling difficult, the thing that fires me up faster than anything is when someone tries to change me. What does that look like? They are scared, manipulative (hate that faky 'concerned for my well-being, let me make you happy' smile), If they are just happy in and of themselves and clearly, not affected by me (not the same as pretending), not reactionary, not concerned or scared, if they are cool and just fine, unruffled by anything I'm feeling, then I calm down almost immediately.
When I rented cars, lots of difficult people - late planes, long lines, middle of the night exhaustion, etc. Things I could in no way control. But, when I did not take their attitude personally, wasn't scared or threatened by it or them, just happy to be alive, cracking a joke or something, and they calmed down. My line went a lot more quickly and I was happier at the end of the shift than my co-workers who just wished their customers weren't difficult.
They are. We are. Life is. Get over it and choose to be happy just because, or don't. It's all up to you.
#5 Stand up for yourself - this is not only necessary but also an oopportunity to check your purpose and see if that's what you're really doing or if you're defending your ego, or as Ed and Deb are fond of saying (your monkey mind). I'm still working toward finding my center so even though I'm asking the right question, I'm often not sure if I'm being honest with myself about the answer. Somehow, as I'm changing, there are less and less difficult people to deal with. I guess the whole world is changing too. Either that or I'd have to concider whether I was more a part of the problem than I'd prefer to do.
warmest regards,
little brother
http://sexsomnia.blog.com
Most of us are a little difficult at times. In fact, I have one of those profound hunches that those who see difficulty only in those around them are, well.....difficult. Oh, some folks are way more difficult than others. And it's a great idea to avoid dealing with them more often than we do. But dealing with difficult people is pretty much the vital art of dealing with, uh....people. I wish I could deal with some of the difficult people I've known in the past, but with the benefit of the life experience I have now. Those who seldom have to deal with difficult people are the ones who have made the selfish and unfortunate choice to be alone. So they WON'T have to cope with difficulties....like friends. Or family. Or co-workers.
Without having absolute authority and a personal need to be infallible, public school teachers have long had to adopt other tactics, like considering the desires of the students and thanking students for pointing out when the teacher has made a mistake. Ignoring minor misbehavior when a student can be refocused on learning instead of "making a federal case" out of everything is another such tactic.
As a 40-year veteran public school teacher, I can tell you that, in the public schools where I have served, a teacher like Mrs. X would very soon have been removed, if not for her troublesome personality then for her obvious display of ignorance of such general knowledge as turkey anatomy.
Catholic schools, sadly, often have no choice but to allow teachers like Mrs. X to remain, since they pay so little that it is only with the greatest difficulty that they might find someone to replace her.
If she says the Turkey has four legs, then for the duration of your class, in which you're subject to her authority and curriculum, a "turkey" has four legs. It's not about the turkey when you think of it that way.
Even if the teacher was ignorant of the fact that the turkey was not a four-legged bird, she was demonstrating something which I was much too slow in learning. I wish I'd had Mrs. X as a teacher in pre-school.
maybe the client has a valid reason for wanting the toilet mounted on the ceiling - eccentricity, artistry, vendetta - who knows, but their paying the bill, so just do it.
the problem occurs, when 6-months later, the client says something like "i'm not paying you for a toilet that doesn't work." who most likely to be fired over it... the installer.
this seems to be an important part of the author's story. disgruntled, dissatisfied people-in-charge making other people's lives miserable as a means of satisifying something lacking within themselves. these types likely rose to positions of power from the double-edged sword of their inflated egos - being strong enough to command but having gained their leadership through bluster rather than skill.
as far as the turkey goes, i'd be happy to paint it with any number of legs as long as i know why you want me to do it - if not, i'm not going to blindly follow the non-sensical commands of anyone without a fight (and a paper trail).
Everybody is somebody's difficult person. And what makes people difficult isn't usually really them, it's our lack of resourcefulness in dealing with their behavior. Fact is, it's just not that hard to do something different and get a different result. It takes knowing what you want, paying attention, being flexible and committed to your desired outcome. What makes it worth the energy? The strength and flexibility you build in yourself in order to deal with them may turn out to be just what you need to save an important relationship for you somewhere down the road.