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An Open Letter to ABC's Next Bachelor

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Dear Jake,

It seems like only yesterday we met. You on my TV, me watching you on my TV, hoping you'd get kicked off already. And just when I thought you were gone, you came back again. You wanted to save the day (which you didn't) and have a little cry. I can (sort of) respect that. But are you seriously back again?

I know you're perfect. So very perfect. And it's really hard for perfect guys to find love, and you're finally getting your chance or whatever, which is great. Look, I remember that time you said, "What I love, I love so hard."

But Jake, it's going to be hard to love you. For two hours at a time. Week, after week. The only thing that kept you from being fatally boring on The Bachelorette was your weird narcissistic preoccupation with your perfection. That's not very promising.

My sweet misguided reject of the reject of the reject of the reject of the reject (Jillian, Jason, Deana and Brad, respectively), what kind of women are going to sign up for the chance to woo the perfect guy with no personality? Not promising at all.

All I can say is, you'd better step it up. I want some tears. And I want grand sweeping gestures to save damsels who aren't really in distress. And I want you rolling around that travel luggage in every single scene. I'd also like you find a personality, if that's possible.

Are we clear? Good. Even though you're totally lame, I really do hope you find love this time around. I just know it's going to be so real for you. Like: really real, in a surreal way.


P.S. Remember the time you just had to tell Jillian that Wes had a girlfriend, in order to save her from getting hurt? And then, it turned out Ed was the one with all the girlfriends, and now Jillian's engaged to him? Bet you feel pretty silly about all that now...

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