Over the past couple weeks, Melrose Place took a mini hiatus and so did I. Ashlee Simpson and Auggie's (Colin Egg-something if you care) imminent departure from the show has been tough on us all. I cried in my room for days, just listening to Ashlee Simpson music like--um, you know, that song she sings? Uh... Right. Anyway, after a few days of that, I decided to take action. I got in my car, drove all night to LA, and arrived at Ashlee's house at midnight in the pouring rain. I banged on the door and held a boom box over my head until she finally came outside.
"Come back to Melrose place!" I sobbed, "We need you to come back!"
"Give me one good reason!" she replied.
"I'll have no one to make fun of in my blog. It will feel so empty!"
Well, apparently that was not the reason Ash was looking for, and the whole thing ended with my driving back to New York, singing along to "Free Falling" at the top of my lungs. Or maybe it was Miley Cyrus' "Party in the USA," I can't remember.
Anyway, somewhere along my drive (perhaps as Miley's DJ was going to make it all okay) I realized that the life of a series is never certain. We can't know when cast members will be fired or shows will be canceled after 2 episodes (may The Beautiful Life rest in peace). And for now, Melrose Place is still alive. David will keep searching for a storyline, Ella will keep trotting along in her pink power suits, Dr. Dirty will keep having sex for money...and that's really all anyone can hope for, right?
So, with new found peace and optimism, I bring you this week's episode recap.
Jonah and Riley Make Me Want to Claw My Eyes Out: A Love Story
Hot on the heels of finding out Riley kissed Auggie, Jonah is out with a film development exec-- who also happens to be gorgeous, sexy and possibly his soul mate. (You like movies? I like movies! We both like movies! Romance!)
Jonah tells a hilarious story about a doberman and Sexy Film Exec kisses him...and he kisses back! But then he tells her he's engaged. The next morning Jonah and Riley wake up and Riley wants to know where we went the night before. Suddenly, Jonah gets a text from his business partner whom we've never heard of before. Slacker Business Partner is bailing on the wedding Jonah's filming that day and Jonah is screwed. But wait - Riley offers to help.
As they set up for the wedding, Riley keeps trying to talk to Jonah, she can tell something's wrong but he won't tell her. So instead, they argue about whether a DJ or a band is better.
During the wedding, the couple's vows are all about honesty and it inspires Jonah to tell Riley the truth about Sexy Film Exec. Jonah gets all moral because at least he felt compelled to tell her the truth - as opposed to how she hid the Auggie kiss. Riley apologizes again, and Jonah storms off, "I've got a reception to shoot..."
After the wedding, Riley shows up at Auggie's restaurant and tells him they can't be friends anymore because it's ruining her relationship. She goes home and tells Jonah, hoping it will make things better. Jonah's like: whatever I have to go meet my sexy development exec. It's my job.
Riley is all upset: she just broke up with one of her closest friends to show Jonah how much he mattered to her! What is happening to them? How can she save their relationship? Jonah wishes he could erase everything that's happened, but he can't. Riley wonders aloud: where do we go from here? They silently look over the balcony, and then Jonah walks away. Eyeballs. Fingernails. Go.
Ella and Dr. Dirty Go Moral
After weeks of Lauren leaving late and coming back early, Ella suddenly has the insight to ask where she's going, all dressed up, night after night but Dr. Dirty blows her off.
At work the next day, Ella's boss tells her their biggest boy wonder client has OD'ed and is in the hospital. Damage control time! No one can know! Luckily he's at ULA, the fictional hospital where her roommate works. Ella asks Lauren to tamper with hospital records so they say Boy Wonder just had allergic reaction. Lauren's like, that's wrong and immoral. Ella even offers her a thousand dollars but Lauren still won't. Back at work, Ella's boss tells her to offer Lauren much, much more.
Ella goes home to find Lauren, looks in her closet (just to check if she's hiding under the shoe rack) and finds expensive lingerie and an envelope full of $100 bills. Just then Lauren comes home and Ella confronts her with a Pretty Woman reference. Lauren is all denial, "It's from my dad....I won it playing poker." Ella then offers Lauren $50,000--she could pay for school on her own--but Lauren won't. Her career comes first and she won't compromise her doctor-in-training ethics.
When Ella tells her boss Lauren is a no-go, Caleb suggests she find dirt on her friend and bribe her. But Ella says no. She has a brilliant PR idea: the truth! They let boy wonder come clean, he gets to go to rehab and then "the baby-faced tweeny-bopper turns into a leading man."
PR crisis averted, Ella goes home to apologize to Lauren. She promises not to bring up the occupation that-shall-not-be-mentioned-again, but lets Lauren know she's always there to listen. Lauren hesitates but then says there's nothing to talk about. Everything is fine and happy again.... on the outside.
David Cries Twice in This Episode
David's busy making out with a lady in the Melrose courtyard, with lots of awkward camera-close-up tongue, when that pesky detective shows up and salts his game! This week, he wants David to rat out Ella and admit they had no alibi.
Cue Flashback 1! (No, we're still not done with these.) David cries at his mom's grave, sobbing lines that are too embarrassing to even quote. Sydney shows up out of the blue and is all nice to him. They exchange names and decide to get breakfast. Cut to: some slow motion sex to dramatic music.
Back to the present. The detective tells David that if he doesn't rat out Ella, he'll look into how David is living his trust-fund lifestyle- even thought he hasn't been getting any
deposits in his bank account. (Ie: he'll find out about David's high class burglary habit.)
David goes to Ella's office and tells her the detective told him how she was with the PI that night. Why did she lie to David about sleeping with a high profile client, what's the deal? Ella tells him she thinks the PI did it, and that would make her an accomplice. David tells Ella the PI didn't kill Sydney, he thinks he might have. He blacked out that night, and he was so angry....
Flashback 2! David and Sydney are fighting the night of her murder. David: I was in love with you! You just used me to get back at my father! You're a pathetic whore! Flashback three: David wakes up in Sydney's bed with a bloody knife in his hand. How did that get there? Naturally, he goes to bury it in a landfill.
Back to the present: David runs to the landfill and stars digging furiously for the murder weapon. How did it disappear? How did David know the exact spot where he buried it months ago? Why did he know it was gone after only digging one hold is the middle of a huge lot?
At the detective station, someone comes in and is like, "Hey look, some construction worker just turned in this bloody knife to us!" Back at the graveyard, David cries over a grave, just like when he first met Sydney. Only this time, it's Sydney's grave.
Ashlee and Auggie: The Long Goodbye Begins
I do like how Ash and Aug's storylines have been paired together lately, so one day in January, their D story will get so small, it'll just disappear into the ether.
At the restaurant, Auggie is experimenting with a new dish. Ashlee gives it to head chef Marcello to try--Auggie wants to get his recipe on the new menu--and Marcello shuts it down. But later, Marcello pitches Auggie's dish to the big boss, and passes it off as his own--right in front of Auggie! Ashlee is furious (or I think that's what her vaguely perplexed look is supposed to mean) about the "cooking-plagiarism!" Auggie tells her there's a hierarchy, and there's nothing he can do if he ever wants to move up in the restaurant.
Then, Riley shows up to have the friend break-up and when she leaves, Marcello keeps saying salacious things about her tush. Ashlee- sorry "Violet" - stands there like an idiot.
Later, Ash-let (Ooh! New nickname!) shows up at his apartment and he answers the door topless. Glistening and topless. Ashlet brought those knives that he left at the restaurant (possible origin of the murder weapon much?) and is like: screw the restaurant for firing you, they're stupid! (...just like the CW! I hate them! I HATE! I mean...uh....the "restaurant" Auggie, I meant the restaurant.)
Auggie is worried; how could he have just lose control like that? He beat up his boss! (And is possibly a murderer). Before they inevitably make out (he's topless, she's got a case of knives, what else are they gonna do?) Ashlee sees a boo-boo from the fight and asks Auggie, "Does it hurt?" Yes Ashlee, it hurts.