Melrose Place Recap 4: Of Landlords and Lady Pimps

11/30/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

This week featured a "glamorous" movie premiere that somehow involved every resident at Melrose place, except Ashlee Simpson who was too busy being crazy and/or confused. Now onto the drama, because there is oh so much.

Ella vs. Josie-Jane-Andrews-Mancini-Bissett

Sydney's sister Jane (Jose Bissett) returns to Melrose Place as the new landlord. Will she be nice "housewife Jane" or crazy "evil Jane" who burns whatever she can get her hands on? The latter, it would seem. She tells Ella that she found all of the angry e-mails she sent Sydney and threatens to send them to the cops and accuse her of murder ... unless Ella dresses her super-famous-actress client in a Josie-Jane-Andrews-Mancini-Bissett original for the big movie premiere. A bribe!

The actress doesn't like Jane's dress, but Ella has no choice but to make her wear it. (Jane hisses threats in the background for emphasis.) When the actress has a dress-induced meltdown before red carpet time, Ella saves the day with a fabulous designer smock she had sitting in the trunk and is like, "I'm taking care of my client, so threaten me all you want Andrews-Mancini-Bissett!"

But later, Ella worries about the consequences of her actions. She broods by the pool, wearing a severe black leather jumpsuit and warrior jewelry. David shows up and offers to help -- he has dirt on Jane because she was married to his dad. Ella is very thankful and takes David home with her to show him just how thankful she is. Later, David goes to see Jane and threatens to call the FBI about that big fire she started back on Melrose Place: The Early Years (David knows this from Michael's secret computer files, which he conveniently stole last week).

Jane sends an apology e-mail to Ella, and everything seems fine ... until Jane calls the cops and tells them Ella had a reason to murder Sydney and that she'll give them proof. Dun dun dun!

Dr. Dirty/Desperate AKA Lauren
Toby (Lauren's very first client, if you will) is miraculously back in town, and Lauren pays a visit to his hotel, only to find out his flight was canceled. Just then, a beautifully buff gentlemen solicits her services and she goes off to his room with him. But afterward, he won't pay her and roughly shoves her against the wall! Hurt and shaken, Lauren returns to the hotel bar, only to be picked up by security for soliciting! Just in the nick of time, a fierce blonde lady comes to her rescue and tells Lauren she's been in the same "position" as her. Lauren keeps denying that she's a hooker and blond lady tells Lauren she's lying to herself. Lauren goes home, sadly looks in the mirror and at the huge welt on her arm, and decides to call the blonde lady (our lady pimp!) to talk about "future employment opportunities."

At least the CW is trying to show the dark side of Lauren's journey -- the violence, the sad mirror moment ... And yet, every guy she sleeps with for money is always gorgeous. Um ...

Auggie and David
Auggie's restaurant is, of course, catering the big party for the big movie premiere! He shows his boss, Marcello, some exciting new dish he invented and Marcello is like, "You're here to sauté things in your tight T, not cook new foods, so stay in line and maybe then, you'll get that promotion!"

The restaurant is short on wait staff for the big event, and David offers to help out. Auggie is like, "No way, you've never worked a day in your life, crazy David!" But David wants to make amends for their falling out over Sydney (because they both slept with her and both possibly killed her?), so Auggie accepts the gesture and recommends David to his boss.

While he's working the big fancy party, David realizes that the PI his dad hired to follow him (Yup, that Michael Mancini is a mean old daddy!) is at the party, spying on David! So, David attacks the dude in front of everyone and storms off. He tries to apologize to Auggie but Auggie's had it with David and his spoiled, spoiled ways. It looks like the friendship we never really cared about to begin with has a rift in it once more. Back at work, Marcello is upset about the David incident and tells Auggie he's not getting the promotion. Poor Auggie can't do anything but flex his biceps. So he does.

Jonah and Riley
Guess what?! The big movie premiere is for a film written by Jonah's ex-college buddy! Jonah's all jealous, because that dude got his break, when's it Jonah's turn? He can't go on making slow motion montages of his girlfriend forever. The ever-supportive (aside from when she's acting really shady about their engagement and kissing Auggie) Riley promises to stand by him for as long as it takes. At the movie premiere Riley is, like, the best girlfriend/fiancé of an aspiring filmmaker ever! She shmoozes with a fancy agent and gets him interested in Jonah's work; she builds him up in front of his film school friend; she even talks about golf! But then Riley has to leave to bail Ashlee out of jail. And Jonah's doesn't want Riley to leave -- he needs her!

Jonah: She's not even our friend.
Riley: She's our neighbor!

In the end, Jonah does just fine with the big shot agent and comes home to tell Riley how much he loves her. But wait - -is that Ashlee Simpson in their shower?

Ashlee Simpson (She's so not a Violet.)
Let's backtrack for a second. Riley and Jonah's shower is far from Ashlee's first this week. Rewind to the day before. Detectives show up at Ashlee's apartment to question her about Sydney's murder and she's wet. She just got out of the shower and goes to put some clothes on ... and sneaks out the window. She runs to Jane's apartment and tells her she's Sydney's daughter (maybe true?). But then she tells Jane that Sydney embraced her with open arms (definitely false!). Jane seems all caring and supportive ... until she steps into the other room to rat Ashlee out to the cops.

The cops take Ashlee in, they question her: Why did she run and why are her fingerprints on that lanyard bracelet at the crime scene? Ashlee also lies to the cops, telling them Sydney was her mom, and accepted her and before she died, gave Ashlee the best week of her life. Blah di blah blah.

Eventually Riley bails Ashlee out of jail and brings her home. Jonah gets home from the party and is all upset that Ashlee is there. Riley tells Jonah Ashlee's whole "joyful Sydney reunion story" and Jonah is like, "Ashlee is totally the killer." Just then Ashlee walks out of the shower, wet. Always wet. Why is she always WET? Anyway, she heard Jonah and "explains" that she she ran away from her abusive adopted parents and had to steal some money from them. That's why she's scared of the police. That's why she ran. She's not a murderer. Look how often she showers. Murders don't shower this much! Riley consoles Ashlee and Jonah is still suspicious.

The next day a Riley and Jonah tell Ella and David how Ashlee is Syd's daughter. On cue as always, Ash shows up with rice krispie squares, and everyone "jokes" about them being laced with cyanide. Everything seem temporarily happy and calm at Melrose place.... Until next week!