This week's episode started out like any ordinary day at Melrose Place: David stealing stuff in broad daylight, Ella texting about some PR crisis, Dr. Dirty doing doctor homework, Jonah and Riley being perfectly nauseating and Ashlee Simpson hanging out in her bikini, gazing vacantly at a glistening, topless Auggie.
The Perfect Couple: Jonah and Riley (and everything that gets in their way.)
What's wrong in paradise this week? Riley hasn't changed her Facebook status to "engaged" and Jonah is devastated. She actually hasn't told anyone about their engagement. Time for another misunderstanding that will irrationally culminate in a huge fight. And just at the height of it all, who should walk in but the person who always walks in at the height of these arguments, making them exponentially worse.... Ella! And she's all like: Jonah! You need to direct this big fancy music video today, because the star is having a tantrum and the director quit, and it'll be your big break, so let's go and leave Riley standing here, all forlorn.
Ella whisks Jonah away to the set. At first it's rough. He's all young and inexperienced and the famous pop star keeps holding a gun to his head. But eventually, he charms her with his wholegrain goodness, and she puts down the gun and tells him about her fan-turned stalker-turned-attacker. Jonah cures her of her fears, re-envisions the whole music video, and is a huge all-around success.
Meanwhile, Riley asks Auggie to help her cook an apology dinner for Jonah. Auggie assures her everything will okay and she decides to go visit Jonah on set and apologize. When she arrives, Ella is all like: Jonah has to finish filming, don't distract him with your domestic issues. And then Jonah snaps at Riley and tells her to get lost! She runs home and luckily Auggie is there to console her. And pour her a glass of wine...
Back on set: Famous pop star hits on Jonah and he politely declines. Ella can't believe it and Jonah's like: Of course I said no, I love Riley, I should actually go home and apologize for being such a jerk. Ella tells Jonah he won't have a career, if he keeps putting Riley first and he's like: I'm not like you. Ie: I have a heart. Slam!
So Jonah's on his way home to apologize, while Riley is drinking wine, crying on Auggie's shoulder...and kissing him. Oops. She freaks out and Auggie tactfully sees himself out. Perhaps it's worth mentioning that Riley has abandoned the bright pink outfits for black because ones, because now her honor is tarnished, or something.
Jonah finally comes home and Riley tells him it's intimidating to be around him because he's so fearless; he just trusts himself and dives in. But now she wants to dive in too - she even changed her Facebook status! Jonah tells her they'll be okay, as long as they don't keep secrets from her. Riley promises, "No more secrets (except that I kissed auggie 10 minutes ago)." They embrace and everything is perfect once again.... for now.
Meanwhile, Ella's sexy boss Caleb tells hers her they're crediting the original director with the video even though Jonah did everything and Ella just sort of agrees. Back home, she tells Jonah she fought her boss on this (lies!) but he's still not getting the credit for his video. Jonah hanks her for fighting for him. Even though she didn't. Because she puts her career before her relationships and is a terrible person. And then one of her eyes almost fills with a tear.
David and His Mean Old Daddy
David is, yet again, stealing from his father. I'm beginning to question his Bad Boy status, seeing as he exclusively steals stuff from his dad. Does that count? When Dr. Mancini catches him (because David's stealing in the middle of the day. I have a theory that this is all a giant cry for attention.) David accuses him of killing Sydney. You see, he knows what Mancini did 12 summers ago.
Cut to the first of many flashbacks: Sydney asking Dr. M to keep her safe from some kind of danger by faking her death in the official medical records... Sydney showing up at Mancini's house six years - while his new wife is there! She just served time for that whole death-faking-fraud thing, but she won't tell on him -- as long as he does what she wants... The night of her murder: Sydney calls Dr. M, threatening to rat him out if he doesn't come over...
Anyway, David knows all this, and he's out to prove it. And we're happy because finally, that pesky detail of Sydney's apparent reincarnation is all cleared up, sort of. David manages to sneak into Dad's office at the hospital and steal secret computer files. Dr. M finds out, breaks into David's apartment and is like: I know you were in my office today, I know you stole my million dollar painting last week and now you're accusing me of murder?!?! He's all threatening and says, "You want me in your life? I'm gonna be in your life"- like in a scary way.
But, of course, because all David wanted was attention, I think he's secretly happy. Case in point? At the end of the episode he changes the locks on his apartment - locks on a paper-thin glass door that could be oh so easily broken. And poor David just wants someone to break into his heart.
Oh also - Dr. Mancini's computer had files on everyone at Melrose Place and a blank rental application. I think this is supposed to be a big reveal, but I don't really get it. Mancini's the secret landlord? Oh no!
Dr. Dirty (aka Lauren)
This week, she was all doctor and no dirty. She desperately wants to get a spot assisting like - the best cardiac surgeon in the world - and guess who that is? Dr. Mancini of course! But when he interviews her, he sees she's behind on tuition payments and is worried she'll have to drop out, and he can't have a drop-out-er on his team.
Lauren asks David to recommend her to his dad, and of course he won't because he thinks he's a selfish a-hole. And also a murderer. Lauren keeps name dropping David to Dr. M anyway, thinking it will help. Of course it doesn't and she accidentally rats out David, telling Dr. M. that David was in his office (she thought he was visiting, but obvi it was stealing, cuz that's what David does). Finally Dr. M does hires her so he can use her to keep an eye on David. But not before she assures him she'll do whatever it takes to keep her finances in order. (Yet again, reminding us oh how desperate her situation is. Looks like we'll see more of Dirty next week...)
...and then there's Ashlee
This week, our dear misguided Ashlee snuck into Sydney's apartment, hid naked in her closet, stole one of the dead lady's dresses and then wore it. She also tried to give Auggie a pair of $200 sunglasses and he didn't accept them because she couldn't afford it. But secretly she could because she has some secret stash of money. At least I think that's what that look meant. I still can't decipher Ashlee's weirdly ambiguous facial expressions.
Up Next Week: Wait is that...Heather Locklear? Nope, it's just a new blond landlord who kinda looks like her if you squint really hard. No wait- it's Josie Bissett aka Jane Andrews Mancini aka fictional sister of Leighton (even though she looks more like Locklear). Do we care? (That wasn't rhetorical- please share your thoughts!)
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