03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Melrose Place Recap: Episode 6

We open on Ashley doing creepy stalker things in Auggie's abnormally neat bedroom. She opens drawers, caresses clothing, rolls around in his bed... Suddenly David shows up and she quickly explains that Auggie asked her to get his mail while he's on vacation. Poor Auggie, he never gets to be in any episodes.

Crazy vs. Crazy (or: Ashlee vs. Mancini)

Anyway, after David skulks away because he thinks Auggie doesn't love him anymore, Ashlee finds a handwritten letter from Sydney, explaining how horrible Michael was to her. What's Ashlee gonna do?

Well, she drinks about 5 five red bulls, applying a new layer of lip gloss between each one and heads off to Michael's office to seduce him. After pretending to have a very sexy cardiac emergency, she invites him to her restaurant, so she can repay him for diagnosing her with Too Many Energy Drinks syndrome.

Michael shows up at the bar (because he's a womanizer that way) and Ashlee gets him drunk, repeating (over and over and over...) "You took care of me earlier, now I'm gonna take care of you". Eventually, the wife calls and Michael him to come home. She still hasn't found a new babysitter, and needs help. He leaves and Ashlee eats a cherry.

Michael is pulling out of the parking lot when - oh look, it's Ashlee at his window! She wants to make sure he isn't too drunk to drive, so he invites her into his batmobile to have a little sex. Somehow, she simultaneously films the whole thing on her i-phone, with perfect focus. (Maybe she should be the filmmaker and not Jonah?)

They next day, Mancini comes home from work and his wife tells him she found a great babysitter. It's...Ashlee, sitting on his living room floor, smiling and playing with his kids. Michael is pissed and takes her outside to talk. He barely gets a word in, before Ashlee's like: I don't want to be your babysitter, I want to ruin your life and look I filmed us having sex! She tells Michael he's the reason Sydney was all messed up and couldn't get better.... and now he's gonna pay.

The Accidental Model
Ella has gotten Jonah yet another gig, on which that fate of her job hinges. The whole thing is getting a little old. Every week, it goes something like this:
Jonah: Thanks so much for this great gig, helping me pay me bills and utilize my film making skills!
Ella: No problem, I think you're awesome. And if you f*** it up, I'll totally get fired.

The gig-du-jour is filming promos for a fashion designer. Jonah is all distracted and Temperamental Fashionista is not happy... until Riley shows up with some equipment for Jonah. She's just come from her job teaching kindergarten--complete with perfect circles of paint on her cheek and in her hair. On the spot, Fussy Designer decides that Riley is just the "normal person" to be the face of his new campaign.

After work, Ella goes to give Riley the job offer, which she politely declines. Riley doesn't want to abandon her students for a week. Besides, she hates having people look at her (except when she goes running in a bikini?).

Just as Ella leaves, Riley tells Jonah the landlord called (Speaking of which, where did Josie/Jane go??) and said his rent check bounced. Jonah says it must have been a mistake and blows it off. The next day, Riley comes home (in her very skimpy shyness-defying running clothes) to find Jonah selling his video camera. Whatever is going on?!

It turns out, Jonah is in big financial trouble. He's getting less work, being less and struggling to make ends meet. But he wanted to figure it all out on his own and not bug Riley. Riley tells him they're a team now, and they'll solve problems together, yada yada yada adorableness. Riley takes the modeling job, which conveniently pays ten thousand dollars for a week of work.

Secrets, secrets are no fun....
Dr. Dirty barely finishes saving a life in the ER, when Lady Pimp calls to give her a "group" job at a party on a boat. Our naïve doctor shows up and is nervous; whatever does "group" job mean? It means whatever the high class criminals throwing the party want it to mean, says the friendly red-headed hooker. "Oh crap," Dr. D thinks to herself. She looks down at the sea of shady men piling onto the boat. "Oh double crap, what's my neighbor David doing here?!?!"

You is trying to get into the very elite word of million-dollar art trafficking and guess who's throwing the party? Heavy Hitting Stolen Art Dealer! Dr. D freaks out and sneaks away from the party, with the help of Friendly Red Headed Hooker. How she gets off the boat isn't really clear, but I'm guessing that along with being a brilliant med student, high class prostitute and super awesome roommate, Lauren is also an Olympic swimmer.

Anyway, David is still on the boat and Heavy Hitting Stolen Art Dealer wants to hire him to steal a painting. . David refuses-- he doesn't work for other people. This makes Heavy Hitting Stolen Art Dealer with a Temper really angry, and he has his cronies beat David up.

David comes home all bruised and bloody and Dr. Dirty takes him to the hospital, even though he really doesn't want to go. He says he was hurt in motorcycle accident and Lauren can't really say anything because that would blow her secret cover. It's like these guys are all superheroes or something! Eventually, David tells her that he got into a fight and explains "Not all of us can be out there, acing exams and saving lives like the perfect Lauren Yung". Oh the irony.

Gay sub-sub plot

Ella's boss has a crush on the designer and keeps trying to ask him out. Eventually the designer asks him out. If you tend to blink, you probably missed this story line.

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