Forget Valentine's Day, it was Halloween on The Bachelor this week. Everyone was scared, including me. I feared 1-we might lose resident Evil Crazy Michelle and 2-that I was warming to Evil Crazy Michelle. Yes, I am about to make a case for Michelle.
First of all, everything she does is so calculated I'm starting to wonder if it's all an act, in which case, she is putting on a great show. Secondly, her lines get funnier with every episode. Case in point, when Chantal got a date card, Michelle's take was "All I can do is be myself, be patient, and hope that Chantal gets attacked by monkeys. Or apes." And finally, I'm starting that she might be less crazy than some of the other women. Or at the least she's a more entertaining and less sad kind of crazy.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think she should win Brad in the end (though they probably deserve each other), but I do hope she sticks around for my amusement. I'm getting ahead of myself, read on appreciate Michelle and prepare to be frightened.
One on One with Chantal O.
Chantal decided her second one-on-one date was "make or break". She worried about her lack of dating experience (given that her last relationship began when she was 18). After last week's sob session(s), Brad worried Chantal might be "a liiiiittle bit dramatic".
On the date, they went zip lining and stuck it out when it began to rain very (very, very) lightly. Luckily Chantal had read enough chick lit to philosophize, "You know things come your way, the rain comes your way and you make the most out of it. I mean that's what you do when you're in a relationship." Chantal's bravery in the faint drizzle made Brad realize "this is a girl that I could definitely hang out with every single day for the rest of my life". Also, he decides that about most girls he dates.
Chantal called it the "Best day ever...ever ever" and looked forward to "the most amazing evening ever". But no sooner had she and Brad settled on a big outdoor bed for dinner, it started to rain again. They went inside, Brad gave her a shirt of his to change into (if he was really generous he would have given her some pants too) and they sat on his indoor bed, drinking wine and eating dessert, he fully clothed and she pants-less.
Brad told Chantal she scared him, and she assured him that her dramatics from the week before were she just because she felt vulnerable. Then she dropped the f-bomb--forever-- and called the day "the best day ever" one more time for good measure. Brad gave her a rose, which she said "shows that he can see himself spending his life with me". And after their second date, Chantal concluded "I did fall in love with Brad tonight". So I'm going to say it was a "break" date, because I'm pretty sure someone had a break with reality.
Jackie, Michelle, Emily, Ashley, Shawntel and Britt were all terrified when they learned they were going to rappel down a waterfall. Jackie freaked out the most because she's "deathly afraid of heights". Brad consoled everyone, which made Ashley (the Ashley formerly known as 2) coo that he'd be "a great husband and a great father and a great caregiver"...and a great player?
Michelle was "pissed" yet again, because on their date, she and Brad had made a "pact" to "never rappel, down anything, with anyone else". But Brad surprised her, saving her to the end so they could rappel down together. That made Michelle happy and the other girls very not happy.
Then it was time for the after party. Luckily what Costa Rica lacks in rooftop bars it makes up hot springs -ie. giant hot tubs. The PFWs (Potential Future Wives) were jealous of Michelle's extra attention, but Brad said he was just trying to make everyone happy. Poor Brad. Life is hard when you have drunk women in bikinis throwing themselves at you.
Emily told Brad things were getting "super scary" for her, because while she liked Brad, she had a history of sabotaging relationship. This scared Brad, but they made out for a bit anyway. During her time with Brad, Michelle hated on Chantal and Brad told her to trust his decisions. Then they kissed, but Brad noted he doesn't like it "when she gets pissed off at me for nothing". Michelle seemed to like it when Brad took his clothes off: "Watching Brad take his shirt off makes you want to like go home and BLEEP. I don't know how else to say it."
At the end of the night, Brad decided not to hand out a rose, because he's giving the rose "to a woman I can see a future with" and the women were annoying him too much.
One on One with Alli
Brad and Alli rode horses to a dark, creepy 40 million year old cave, where they sloshed around in brown water up to their ankles. They saw spiders and bats, both of which made Alli freak out. Nonetheless, Brad made her feel safe and want to "power through" her fears.
Back at the resort and all cleaned up, they had a romantic dinner outside. Even the chicken on her plate seemed to scare Alli. Meanwhile, Brad feared the conversation was "going nowhere".
Alli told him her last boyfriend was a good guy, but just wasn't right for her. Brad was like" "I know exactly what you mean" and said, "I can see myself hanging out with you every day of my life. Here's the problem. I don't know if that constitutes saying that you and I are falling in love." (From what I can surmise from Brad's date with Chantal, more making out and less clothing constitutes that. Also, it concerns me that Brad can see himself spending every day of the rest of his life with so many people he barely knows. Needy much?)
At the end of the date, Brad sent Alli home crying. Even though he broke her heart, she would miss him a lot. She explained: "I feel happy that I met someone like Brad to kind of, you know, maybe put a higher standard of what I want in who I fall in love with." If Brad sets the standard, that is another thing we should all be scared of.
Post Date Drama
Brad went home for some "emotional down time" but Michelle pulled a Vienna and showed up at his door. They made out a little, and then she brought up her Chantal issues again and also started listing the PFWs he should send home. Brad seemed annoyed, but Michelle left "feeling pretty confident".
At the party, Brad told Emily he was scared of her and she told him she was scared of being vulnerable. Eventually, Emily made him feel less afraid--of her at least.
Then he told Michelle, "You're scaring me. You're scaring me badly." He didn't like her questioning his decisions or constantly picking fights. Michelle said, "I know that I'm supposed to be here" and cried. Afterward, she was the scared one saying, "I don't know if I'm crazy or I'm not understanding the way that he like communicates. It's kind of freaking me out." Classic Michelle craziness and I love it.
Shawntel asked Brad to play the silent game in an attempt to "relax" him, but really just so she could make out with him.
After some intense questioning from Chantal, Michelle admitted that she went to visit Brad after the group date. The other women were not happy but Michelle said, "I'm not apologizing, I'm just trying to keep it real." And real she is. In fact, her keeping it real inspired Chantal to tell Brad she loved him, to which he responded "Thank you". That made Brad feel better. He explained "to hear a woman say that she's falling in love with me, makes me know that this process is working" Finally all the booze and helicopter rides are paying off!
And now, I am officially handing over the crazy title to Chantal, who told a guy she loved him after 2 dates, while he is still dating 7 other women. I don't care if you're on the Bachelor - that is still scary. And Michelle has officially been promoted to Awesomely Crazy. Is it scary that I think that?
Booted: Alli and Jackie. It came down to Michelle and Jackie at the Rose Ceremony, but Awesome Crazy pulled through. Upon leaving, she also decided she was "in love" with Brad. What is Chris Harrison putting in the water at the Bachelor Mansion?
Happy Valentines, dear readers. I wish for you valentines who don't scare you too much!
Follow Tasha Gordon-Solmon on Twitter: www.twitter.com/tashags