This week someone found love, but it wasn't Ali. Read on to find out who!
One on One with Frank
Over-enthused pseudo-screenwriter Frank had the very first date of the season. I was afraid he was going to pass out from the manic burst off energy that erupted when he found out, but he held it together. Ali picked him up in a convertible and everything was off to a great start. But just as Frank's well-timed voice over gushed, "You know, nothing could ruin this date. I've got a beautiful girl, we're in a beautiful car, cruising down the highway. What could do wrong?"...the car broke down. They decided to take a cab instead and the fact that Frank "just went with all of it" (as opposed to....staying in the parked car by himself?) showed Ali it was "going to be an amazing date."
And an amazing date it was. They went to Hollywood and were met with "paparazzi" taking pictures of them. Frank again gushed, "we've only been on a date for a few hours and I already feel like we're a couple". (Creepy not cute, Frank.) They sat under the Hollywood sign ("one of the most famous spots in the whole world" according to Ali) and had a heart to heart. Frank told Ali about his "move" to Paris to become a screenwriter, which actually turned out to be a month long vacation. Then they shared the first kiss of the season.
Frank told Ali he likes her because she's so career driven (even though she quit her job to be on The Bachelor). Ali told Frank she likes him because there's nothing "normal" about him. She explained that she's a unique girl and she doesn't want to be normal, she wants to be different. And she is. She is so different. Post-date, Ali concluded that she was crazy about Frank. Or just crazy? Verdict's still out. Frank said he didn't care how long it took; he would be there 'til the end. Even if it takes more than 24 hours and one date? Wow.
For the group date, Ali and 12 of her suitors participated in a calendar photo shoot "for charity" (actual cause never disclosed). Ali later explained that the calendar itself was "going to go to charity'. I wonder whom they'll give the calendars too? Orphans maybe? Later, Ali congratulated the men once again on doing something "for such a good cause." What that cause was remained wholly unclear.
Jonathan "The Weatherman" was insecure about wearing a speedo, but Steve assured him, "You got great legs. You got a great ass." Ty (one of the tall brown-haired dudes) broke out his guitar and played for Ali while they posed for the camera. Later, he told her he'd been married before and, even though she gave him a rose to reward his secret-divulging efforts, she looked totally put off by it.
Weatherman Jonathan took Ali aside to tell her Craig M. was a dangerous, crazy person, looking to get into a fight. Ali told Justin (Canadian entertainment wrestler) that she had a good feeling about him (despite the fact that all the guys think he's there for the wrong reasons) and then got all cuddly with him for no apparent reason at all, except to make drama. He's not interesting, or attractive...he doesn't even play the guitar!
One on One with Jesse
Jesse (yet another tall brown-haired guy) had the second one-on-one with Ali. They flew in a private jet and, even though it wasn't a helicopter, we're still going to count it as the First Sky High Romancing of the Season! Ali was willing to conquer her fear of flying with Jesse (for the first time since the last time she conquered it with Jake) because Jesse made her feel safe. Awwwwvomit. They landed in Vegas and hung out at a completely empty private pool. Ali thought that made the place "really exclusive."
After the requisite Pool Bikini Time, Ali and Jesse got inappropriately over-dressed for dinner where they talked about growing up in small towns and Jesse's passion for woodworking. (Not making that one up.) The conversation made Ali feel "ten times closer" to Jesse and she gave him a rose. Then they had "VIP access to one of the hottest clubs in Vegas", though I'm pretty sure an otherwise empty club does not VIPs make. Oh Ali, when will you use a dictionary and stop misusing words? Then they were serenaded (by Jamie Cullum, if you care) on the dance floor and Ali went in for the double-hand-face-grab kiss.
Drama Amongst the Menfolk
This week, Chris L. announced that he was trying to steer clear of the "male drama"...and what male drama there was! The Craig M./ Weatherman Jonathan rivalry really heated up. Craig M. mocked and harassed The Weatherman while over the course of the episode, Weatherman called Craig, "no joke, an evil dude," " a category 6 a-hole," "poison," an "egomaniacal jerk-off," "complete BLEEP-face," "like off the charts in insanity" and "not a good person, period." Furthermore, he suggested the man be "flushed out," "called out" and "de-rosed" because "his character is like a zero out of ten," "who knows what kind of diseases he has" and "that's how you get hurt in life."
In fact, Jonathan and Craig M's rivalry seemed to almost border on obsession. When Jonathan announced, "I'm not here to meet 24 guys, I'm here to meet Ali", I started to wonder if he actually was there to meet guys. Maybe he and Craig M. had something going on on the side? Or maybe all that anger was just Jane Austen-style cover for some serious unrealized love. When Jonathan later said, "I'm here for Ali. I'm certainly not here for Craig M." I was certainly sure the Weatherman was protesting too much...and had found his Mr. Darcy.
Ali wore a white flapper meets baby doll dress with a weird sparkly collar and weirder hangy-silky bib attached to it, along with painfully heavy eye makeup. I'm starting to think she's dressing this way just to upset me. Ali spent some one-on-one time with Roberto and got all giggly with him. She even took off her terrible silver glitter shoes to throw around a baseball. She totally likes him.
Cardboard Kasey told her she looked "absolutely imaginary"...because that terrible outfit couldn't possibly exist in real life? Frank took her away for one on one time and everyone hated on him because he already had a rose. He even kissed her while a bunch of guys watched!
Ali had a super weird talk with Craig M., where she kept asking if he was interested in her and he kept not answering. Then he spent all his confessional time yammering on about Weatherman Jonathan. He definitely seemed way more interested in the Weatherman than Ali. Later he got into a fight with the Weatherman that obviously almost resulted in a kiss. At least I think it should have. When Weatherman said, "If Craig M. gets a rose tonight, I will know for sure there's no god," it actually brought tears to my eyes. He didn't want him to go because they're in love! A couple actually found love on The Bachelorette! I hope those two crazy kids make a go of it.
Before the rose ceremony, Ali said, "I'm confident that if I just stay true to myself and go with my gut, then I'm gonna make the right decisions." I, on the other hand, was not confident. The first two roses went to Cardboard Kasey and Hunter who was pretty silent this week. (Where'd the guitar go? Is only one guy allowed to croon per episode?)
Booted: Craig M. was kicked off while Weatherman got to stay. So sad. So, so sad. I hope Craig M. returns mid-season to win Weatherman back. Tyler V. was kicked off and so was a third guy so inconsequential, we didn't even see his farewell speech to the camera.
Episode 3 Drinking Game:
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