At the start of the episode, front-runner Arie wanted to "get down to the real stuff and not the bromance." But the bromance was the real stuff this week.
Oh -- and remember that time they made such a big deal about filming The Bachelorette in North Carolina? Emily couldn't be away from her daughter and Little Ricki couldn't be uprooted from her home, so things were going to be tooootally different? Well, after a mere three episodes, Ricki was ready to be uprooted and travel the world with Emily and her Potential Future Daddys. First stop: Bermuda, where the stormy weather reflected the emotional turmoil -- or served as a reminder that it's cheaper to shoot during the off-season.
Also, those keeping track of Michael's hairstyles (Is it just me?) should note that he started wearing different colored headbands this week. I think the producers were trying to downplay his gorgeous locks, so Emily would look less ugly in comparison.
1-on-1 With Doug
Before he left on his date, the guys (most of them wearing matching blue shirts) gave Doug a hard time about how nervous he was. Arie in particular tried to push his buttons (messing with his head before the game, methinks), until Doug erupted with a "Can you just let it go bro?!?!"
At the start of the date, Emily said, "I don't think there's anybody else that I'd rather spend the day with than Doug" ... except all the other guys she's said the exact same thing about. Doug and Emily wandered around town and bought trinkets for their children. Emily felt like they could "get each other a lot" and marveled at how "this is what married couples do." Yes, Emily, marriage is shopping.
Then it was time to sit on some steps and get personal. Doug told Em about a charity he started and she was impressed with his "positive energy." She asked if he had any bad days and he said he could get grouchy. Emily showed Doug a postcard she got for Doug's son Austin.
Doug cooed, "What little kid doesn't want a postcard from their dad?" -- and then for Emily to write a note, I mean it was really touching First of all, a little kid would probably prefer a lot of things from their dad, such as toys, ice cream and trips to Disneyland. Second of all, getting that kid's hopes up for a new Bachelorette mommy wasn't a good idea at all.
Then the twosome walked under a special moon gate, while they made a wish. "I can do that a hundred times. That was awesome!" Doug exclaimed. Yes, Doug, walking is awesome.
At dinner, Emily wore a white T-shirt dress with a massive silver glitter butterfly across her stomach, with shiny bedazzled wings creeping up her sides. (I want to know what stylist told her "Bedazzled side boobs, will look amazing.") Doug wore his unbridled excitement that Austin was getting a postcard. (How sad is young Austin's life? Doesn't he have anything else to look forward to?)
Emily began to ponder that age-old Bachelorette question: "Is he too perfect"? (The answer is always a definitive: no, not even close.) Despite Doug's protestations that he wasn't, Emily was unconvinced. So she decided to list her faults, which included, "I stay in my pajamas and go out in public and run my everyday errands."
Doug told her, "I'm just a guy, you know? Like I'm not a genius but I'm not a dummy I'm like not wealthy but I'm not poor I'm just Doug." And Emily wondered if, "maybe just maybe Doug is that perfect of a person." Um: he talks in the third person, Emily. He's definitely note perfect.
Doug explained to the camera, "I don't ever make the first move, ever... If Emily wants a kiss from Doug, she'll let Doug know she wants a kiss." Some not-to-subtle editing made it pretty clear Emily wanted a kiss, but Doug missed the signals.
Charlie, Ryan, Chris, Jeff, Sean, Arie, Travis and Kalon raced sailboats (with the help of non-Potential Future Husband crew members) to win more time with Emily that night. Dramatic music played at the boats moved very slowly and Team Ryan/Jef/Arie/Kalon won. The losers were sad, especially Charlie who covered his face to hide his tears during the car ride home.
At the after winners' after-party, Emily and Arie walked down to the beach and huddled under a blanket. He told her he was "sort of like pulled to" her and they made out.
Then she went back out to the beach with Jef and the same blanket. He told her,
"I really I don't know I really like who you are like and like I don't know like really where I stand with you or like what I mean to you but when I think about you I like you it makes me like want to be with you like I ... yah". They did not make out and instead, chose to revel in the awkward silence. Perhaps they were contemplating the place of the word "like" in the English language.
Ryan thought Emily, as the Bachelorette, had "been given a great responsibility and I want to see her do a lot with it." But one thing he did not want to see her do was make out with other guys. He warned Emily she was influencing young women watching the show, who were learning from how she "treated the men" and herself. Emily was apologetic that he saw her kissing Arie, but felt judged. She told the camera there was a double standard and that, "if this were The Bachelor no one would even bat an eye." Don't worry, Emily, I judge everyone.
Jef got the rose, which saddened Arie. Ryan, ever confident, still thought, "There's a great amount of depth there between her and I."
2-on-1: Jon and Nate
After too many "Bermuda love triangle" references, the threesome rode a boat, jumped in the water and drank some champagne shirtless (just the guys). Then they went for dinner is a drippy, dirty cave, so obviously, Emily wore white pants. And also a bedazzled green shirt and another pair of overly-shiny earrings.
After some awkward silence and Nate pronouncing "quinoa" wrong multiple times, Emily took him aside from some alone time. He said he was ready to win her over, and step up his game. But instead he ended up crying as he told her how awesome his family and friends were. (He called his brother "literally like the most amazing guy I've met in my entire life." Maybe Emily should date him?)
Then Emily took Jon aside and marveled at his confidence and how "he doesn't feel like he has to sell himself to me." (Even though his sales pitch was telling her he didn't have to sell himself.) Jon won the date rose for not crying and Nate was sent away at sea.
Emily wore a weird white one-shouldered jumper pantsuit situation, approximately twenty-five necklaces , and a ponytail made of Real Housewife-worthy extensions. (She was really trying to out-hair Michael this week.) Meanwhile, Jef wore khaki shorts and blue knee socks, going for an edgy Sound of Music look. Maybe they're meant for each other.
Alejandro talked vaguely about his passion. Ever-confident Ryan grilled Emily on why she was worthy of being The Bachelorette. He explained to the camera that because he was blessed by god, he had to do his "due diligence." In fact, he wondered if, given his god-given gifts, was perhaps "called to something bigger." What might that be? Well, he told Michael if things didn't work out with Emily, he'd be down to "do Bachelor Ryan." (Wrong reasons alert! Wrong reasons alert!)
Emily told Arie she thought about him all the time and Sean that he looked "super hot" while he was losing the sailing race. She also told Sean the reason she was doing The Bachelorette for Ricki. (B.S. alert! B.S. alert!) He asked if he could kiss her, they did, and she thanked him afterwards. How polite.
In one particularly homoerotic scene, Doug and Ryan sat side-by-side talking about how they didn't need to kiss Emily to prove their maturity.
Bobble Chris told Emily the other guys had been questioning his maturity because of he was only 25. He assured her he was ready to be a dad and told her he "stood up" to the guy who said it to him. Then, perhaps because he realized he hadn't actually done that, Bobble Chris promptly went outside and confronted Doug. Doug called him immature but Chris told him, "I'm talking to you like a grown-ass man." Chris also told Doug he was "always overpowering the whole group," which was kind of a strange thing to say. Chris also said he didn't believe Doug. (Didn't believe what? Maybe that he liked Emily? Could it be that Chris likes Doug?!?! Maybe he was just jealous of the growing bond between Doug and Ryan! Am I off here?)
Emily questioned Doug's perfection some more and wondered if Alejandro was daddy-ready. She thought maybe Jef was "just not that into" her, because they hadn't kissed yet. Chris H. noted that Emily was "giddy as a school girl" when she talked about Arie. Emily told him she had suspicions about Ryan "pulling one over" on her. And she worried about sending guys home and hurting their feelings, but Chris reminded her of the severity of the situation. He was like: "This is your life. This is Ricki's life." I wish Chris was my therapist. (This is my life, Chris Harrison. This is MY life!)
The first rose went to Sean, followed by Arie and the last one went to Alejandro (because who cares if he's ready to be a father). Emily kept Ryan around, because why would you send home the guy you think is trying to manipulate you? Way to go Emily. This is YOUR life!
Booted: Charlie and Michael (clearly because despite her best efforts, his beautiful locks still out-shone hers). Both men cried in the rain as they left.
Next Week's Drinking Game