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Tasha Gordon-Solmon

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The Bachelorette Week 5 Recap: Not Quite Romeo and Juliet

Posted: 06/15/2012 12:53 pm

The episode began with the requisite Ricki time. Emily and her daughter walked around London doing touristy things. They even put the poor child in a terrible hat.

Meanwhile, Chris Harrison told the Potential Future Husbands that there were 10 of them left "but only one of you will become Emily's husband." In case they were confused. (This show is very complicated and the men on it are very simple.)

1-on-1 With Sean
Sean and Emily rode a double-decker bus and strolled around London. Emily spouted tourist factoids, trying to her best (and failing) to make them sound natural and not like they were lines fed to her from a producer. They asked strangers to take cheesy pictures of them because Emily wanted to "remember every single moment"... despite the fact that a professional camera crew was recording their every move.

Then they sat in Hyde Park and drank what appeared to be water, so I can only guess it was straight gin. After heaping the standard flattery on Sean, she asked him why hadn't dated in a while. He told her "good girls are hard to come by" and Emily agreed "good guys are hard to come by." (Case in point? Look at Sean and Emily and how lame they are. Next, they wandered over to Speakers Corner, where Sean got up and awkwardly spouted many a Hallmark-worthy cliché about love. Emily found it "so hot."

At dinner in the Tower of London, Sean told Emily (who wore green glitter dress), "I can honestly say today was the best day I've ever had in my life. Easily." he told him she wanted lots of kids and he said he'd oblige. "I couldn't imagine anyone being more perfect of a husband than Sean" Emily told the camera. She gave him the rose and they shared a tiny peck. He told her he was confident in what they had and they smooched again.

Back at House:
Jef complained about the group dates and Kalon told him if he ended up with Emily "pretty much every date will be a group date" with " you, her and Ricky." Jef got upset at the mention of Ricki and was like, "don't go there."

Group Date
The guys received a date card that said, "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." This confused everyone, except Alejandro, who had a sneaking suspicion it had something to do with Shakespeare.

Indeed, Chris, Arie, Doug, Alejandro, Travis, John, Kalon and Ryan were carted off to Stratford Upon Avon to act out scenes from Romeo and Juliet. Kalon and Ryan were happy to learn they would be playing Romeo in scenes with Emily (as Julie), while Doug and Arie were less excited to be playing the role of the nurse.

During "rehearsals" Travis couldn't pronounce any of the words, while Arie couldn't figure out what any of them meant. Kalon was annoyed when Ryan spent their Romeo rehearsal time chatting up Emily and told her to "run along." She was annoyed and thought he was "way too intense."

Then it was time to perform in front of a live audience (of British people who were no doubt being punished for something). Emily thought her balcony scene with Kalon was like the least romantic scene". A "terrified" Arie overcame his "worst nightmare" of acting and wasn't any more terrible than the other PFHs. Emily said she was "way more attracted" to Arie for being "such a good sport." Ryan got to kiss Emily in their scene and Emily thought he was "like the perfect Romeo." And the poor Brits had to watch it all.

Then Emily took the men to Cox's Yard (really) to have a drink. She wore a white mini-dress and black leather jacket and I was shocked (Shocked!) there was no sparkle to be seen. After toasting to Shakespeare (no doubt rolling in his grave), Emily sat down with Arie, who wrapped her in a sparkly red blanket (she couldn't go completely glitterless!). He told her how hard the theatrical shenanigans were for him and they locked lips. A beautiful swan swimming by turned its head in disgust.

As Emily told him he was "trouble" and "rotten," Ryan pulled her aside to a private room. He told her he had a surprise for her and reached into his pants... pocket and pulled out a necklace. Emily then decided he was "so thoughtful and so sweet" and he gave her a sleazy wink in retaliation.

Chris told the guys he'd heard Kalon say Emily "has a lot of baggage," which Doug assumed referred to Ricky. He took Kalon aside, who confirmed saying it -- but explained he meant "responsibility." Doug told Emily who, through a smile, said, "I want to go out there and rip his limbs off and beat him with them." Doug then confronted Kalon in front of Emily and the PFHs. Kalon didn't deny it, but tried to explain, at which point Emily retorted, "I'm love to hear you talk but not until I'm done. I got that line from you." Slam! She told him to "get the f*ck out" and sent him home.

At this point, perhaps to symbolize her emotional vulnerability, Emily took off her jacket. (And there was sparkle madness all over the back of the dress. Aha! I knew she couldn't go glitter-less.) Disappointed no one had had her back (except Doug?), she told the guys she wasn't going to hand out a rose, saying, "It would have been nice to have someone say something." (Like Doug??)

1-on-1 with Jef
Wearing a shirt with a bedazzled collar of obtrusive gems, Emily took Jef to afternoon tea. She surprised him with an etiquette teacher named Jean, who proceeded to lecture them non-stop, correcting their every move. Jef and Emily were both underwhelmed by the etiquette experience and retreated to a pub. Over beers, Jef told her he'd stood up for her earlier with Kalon and said, "If Ricky's baggage, then she's a Chloe handbag that I wanna have forever."

For dessert, Emily changed into a full-on gold sequined dress that could cause retinal damage if you looked directly at it. Over champagne and untouched parfaits ("dessert" is a euphemism for more drinking), Jef told her he'd never lie to her. He said he was ready to have a family, despite his young age and proceeded too tell her exactly what he wanted, in great, convoluted, detail:

I just want someone to like share the details with like come home to and hang out with and someone you know have my back to and um someone that would just like unconditionally love each other you know like a best friend like I know you like a little while ago you were like do you like me just as like a friend hang out or do you like And like I think and both and totally I like you and I would like to be best friends with you you know cause I wanna be with the person who's like my best friend you know like I want something that lasts forever that I am so sure of...

I was sure he would never shut up. But eventually he did, Emily said "thank you for telling me that," finished her champagne and gave him a rose. He angsted about going for "definitely the most anticipated kiss of my life" but eventually kissed her. Jef said he felt "a million emotions like seriously a mix of a million emotions."

Rose Party
Emily wore a blue one sleeved-dress with a giant silver sparkly cuff on the sleeve. I think her stylist is trying to make us laugh. Wolf Man John wore bright red pants with a dark suit jacket. I don't know why.

Emily took individual Potential Future Husbands aside to ask if they'd have her back in a potential future relationship. She told Arie she was particularly disappointed in him for not speaking up. Sean told her he'd be honest with her and they smooched and slow danced in silence.

Ryan recited lines from the balcony scene of Romeo and Juliet, while Emily stood on a balcony. Then he ran back up stairs for a non-staged kiss. (Well, staged for the cameras, but that's totally different.) Emily said she found herself "liking him more and more" but was still going to "keep an eye on him."

Rose Ceremony
The first rose went to Doug and the last one went to Arie, even though we all still know he's still going to win in the end.

Booted: Kalon early (Goodbye shiny, shiny lips!) and then Alejandro at the rose ceremony. He was the only one who recognized that incredibly well-known Shakespeare quote! Emily probably felt intellectually intimidated around him.

Next Week's Drinking Game:
Every kiss
Every handhold
Every hug

 

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