This week, the men told all. Or at least they told some. Or at least they repeated what they've been saying all season in different words. Or in the same words. Okay at least they were nice to look at.
In fact, everyone stepped up their efforts to look pretty this week. Jesse grew some facial hair and so did David -- though his was probably an attempt at a disguise. (In case anyone forgot -- David is the crazy one with the short temper and desperate allegiance to the ever elusive Man Code. But more on that later.) It wasn't just the guys who cleaned up. Jillian sported a serious spray-on tan and a set of teeth that had been whitened about twelve times. Even Molly was working the makeover.
That's right, last season's "controversial" Bachelor couple , Molly and Jason returned! (They're now calling themselves "the M&M team"-- I guess "Jolly" just didn't have the right ring.) Molly looked pretty much the same, but when we saw clips of her and Jason just being a normal couple with a camera crew following behind...she was a brunette! So even while she complained about how difficult it was, dealing with the harsh "media and the tabloids and the internet" all I could hear was, "Look how versatile I am world: blond-to brunette- to blond! So give me my own morning show on the Lifetime Network, just like Deanna!
I shouldn't be so harsh on Molly. She didn't shamelessly put her personal life on TV twice, that was Jason. She only did it once. But seriously, the two of them seem really happy. We got to see clips of them with playing with Tye, like one big happy reality family. (Lest you've forgotten, Tye is Jason's unfortunate child, who will one day get to witness his dad's douchery all over again, at an age when he can be completely mortified.) Molly even said she would marry Jason "tomorrow" and Jason said, "like, for sure, we're gonna get married." Good for them! When exactly? Well, that's not so clear. They don't don't live in the same city, have only been dating for six months and will probably break up within a week. But let's hope for the best!
Oh -- and one more thing. Jason has a new website that supports single parents. How, you ask? By giving away a trip to New Zealand! That's right, New Zealand, the very place Jason bedded three women in a span of three days on The Bachelor last season. Yes, Jason, that is exactly what single parents want the most. To leave their children home alone, fly to the other side of the world, and relive some of that Bachelor Fantasy Suite Magic. Way to give back, Jason. Way to give back.
And for the record, Jason's Place seems to be a lot more about self -promotion than helping single parents. Check out this inspiring video where he's more into the webcam than the girlfriend.
Alright, enough about Jolly. Back to The Men and the Telling of All. But before that, Chris sat down to ask Jillian some questions. Yes, The Men Tell All was more like: Jolly tells all, then Jillian tells all, then lots of extended commercials for next week's episode tell all, and then the men tell some. But I digress.
Chris asked Jillian what we've all been dying to know: does she think Wes was there for the right reasons? Apparently that was still a mystery, even though every person on the show repeatedly said no, including Wes himself. Still, Jillian shocked us all, saying... that Wes wasn't there for the right reasons. Oh wait, we knew that. Moving on.
It was time to see footage that never made it past the editing room. This segment was a bittersweet reminder of how great the show could be, if only it was edited by a fifteen year old boy. We got to see Ed drunk, very drunk. He stumbled around, danced a little, said stupid things, and even groped Jillian. As she said, "It's called a cocktail party for a reason." So ABC, as we approach the fourteenth season of The Bachelor/ette, let's get back to its roots and remember: it's called trashy television for a reason.
By the time we finally got to The Men, we learned that both Wes and Reid couldn't make it, due to "prior engagements". Translation: Wes is a (bad) actor we paid for, and if we give him any more screen time, that fact would become (more) painfully obvious. Reid is making the now standard Rejected Bachelor Shows Up Again appearance on next week's finale, so we can't ruin the "surprise".
Then it was time for the guys to rant about how perfect Jake is. How perfect, you ask? Too perfect. Jesse called him a phony, Sasha accused him of having the same haircut since he was six years old and Mark suggested he "go watch a rated R movie and come onto the same level as the rest of us." Diss! Finally it was too much and when Sasha told Jake his perfection made him seem fake, Jake swore! Aha! So Jake's not perfect after all. And thus the case was closed. (Though the invitation to swear was apparently wide open, thanks to Mr. Perfect. Sasha, Robby, Brian, Tanner F and of course David made sure there was plenty of bleeped out language throughout the rest of the episode.)
Amid all the swearing, David tried to explain the Man Code. The M.C. is: "An unspoken rule - set of rules- that you don't have to talk about". That settled, we moved on to the conflict between David and Juan. If you'll recall, Juan violated M.C. by pretending to take a shot and dumping it out. Or so we thought. Juan revealed to us that he actually drank half the shot and then poured the rest out. But there are no halfways where The Man Code is concerned. Most of the guys agreed with David and let Juan have it, including Jesse who spoke more this episode than he had the whole season. I guess that new facial hair was really empowering.
Mark suggested a divide deeper than the Man Code- cultural differences. While he and David are from the Midwest, Juan is from LA. David agreed, explaining that, where he's from, "the country", words have different meanings. An example: " When I say I wanna beat Juan's ass, that doesn't mean I wanna kill him, that just means I don't like him." All is clear is now.
Most of the guys agreed that the real problem with Juan was not that he was from LA, but that he was fake. Whether it was faking a shot (or half of it), or changing into a sweater before the camera crew arrived, fakeness was the culprit. So we learned a valuable from Jake and Juan. If faking it is your thing, don't go on television.
Some other things we learned this week:
1. David thought incessantly talking about Jillian's derriere was a compliment.
2. Jake thinks "It would truly be an honor" to be asked to be the next Bachelor .... Hint hint?
3. Robby will agree with anyone and everyone as long as it gets him camera time.
4. Many of the guys thought Wes had real feelings for Jillian. (Uh...)
5. Jillian felt proud of all the guys when she watched the show .... Wait, actually?
6. Michael is thankful to have gotten to meet Jillian, because he learned about love ... and I learned that I love Michael. Who has still not called me, by the way.
The Season Finale Drinking Game!
Names: Kiptyn, Ed, Jillian
Words: Propose/ Proposal, Marry/ Marriage, Husband/ Wife