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The Bachelorette Week 2 Recap: The Odds Aren't Looking Good

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BACHELORETTE

From the moment Ashley arrived at the house for her first date, her suitors kept talking about how great she looked. This happened so much, it felt like someone was trying to convince me Ashley was indeed a catch. Which made me wonder if maybe she wasn't. And then she kept trying waaaaay too hard with the guys, to the point where I felt a little uncomfortable and a lot embarrassed on her behalf. Which didn't help her case.

1-on-1: Bad Luck Willy
Ashley and BLW took a private plane ride to Vegas. Ashley wore a tiny, tight white dress, while her date seemed to exist in a different climate. He wore pants, shirt and sweater. When they arrived, a few random passersby (extras?) took pictures and that make BLW realize Ashley was "like a celebrity". Like, but not.

Then, they went wedding cake tasting, ring shopping and marched down the aisle of a chapel where a minister performing a wedding ceremony (reason for wholly inappropriate outfit revealed!). A bewildered, uncomfortable BLW said "I do" but... SURPRISE! Ashley didn't. So she's still on the market, for however long this season is (and then after that when she breaks up with whomever she choose in the finale). BLW said it was "the best first date I've ever been on" and Ashley called it "an amazing, amazing first date", despite the fact that it was clearly awkward and weird and not quite funny. They had their first kiss at the altar and Ashley decided she was "definitely falling" for him.

Then they went for dinner in a boat at the Bellagio fountains. Some random girls (extras?) shouted "we love you Ashley!" and told her she looked beautiful. It seemed like more (poorly executed) planting that she is desirable. BLW told Ash his dream was to be a stand-up, but he also had a "serious side" because his alcoholic dad was dead. Ashley cried and related because her dad is an alcoholic. The emotional Bachelor music played, the fountains erupted, Willy said "My heart is soaring higher than the fountains", Ashley kept face-grab-kissing him and I vomited in my mouth.

Group Date: Dancing and Disingenuousness
Constantine, Ryan M., Chris Ben F., Nick, Bentley, West, Lucas, Stephen, Blake, Matt and Ames flew to Vegas to greet Ashley who yet again, was baring her midriff. (Is this season being sponsored by the belly shirt? I don't get it. She looks like 1996.) The guys entered a theater where the Jabbawockeez (of America's Best Dance Crew fame) were performing. Ashley joined them on stage (not before changing into a sports bra to reveal more of her tummy) and told the guys they'd be competing in their own dance crews.

Two of the long-haired Keanus took charge as the idea guys. Constantine's team "The Best Men" made up a wedding ceremony dance. Ben's team "No Rhythm Nation" created an interpretive rose-ceremony and won. The (Apparently Not) Best Men were sent back to LA and winning guys, along with Ashley, performed in the Jabbawockeez show. Bad News Bentley called it "the coolest thing I've ever done", seriously lowering his bad boy street cred. The other guys cooed about how great Ashley was, laying it on a little too thick.

Then it was Booze on a Terrace time. Ashley worried she and dentist Blake would wouldn't work because of their shared perfectionism , but he thought they'd be "twice as perfect". West told her about his dead wife, to which Ash responded "that's pretty heavy".

Bad News Bentley tried to reclaim his bad-news-ness by saying of Ashley: "She's obviously a beautiful girl, she has a great body, amazing butt and rockin' legs and having her tickle my p-BLEEP, I mean that would be amazing." He watched Ashley drool over him and had her begging him to stick around. Seriously, she said please six times. And then she gave him the date rose. West was sad he didn't get it, because he thought Ashley was an "amazing girl." Get it? Wrong reasons vs. right reasons!

1-on-1 with Mickey
Mickey and JP had to flip a coin for the date and the kissy chef won. On the date he and Ashley flipped a coin about everything: the color of the wine, who'd ask the next one question... and it got pretty annoying. (PS -- Having just learned about the alcoholism in Ash's fam, it was a little uncomfortable seeing them pick out wines)

They drank their wine by a fish talk and Ashley told him she cried watching the previous season of the Bachelor. It was hard being judged "based on every little thing you wear" and "say". Maybe if you weren't wearing a lame white blazer and saying stupid sh*t , no one would judge you.

Mickey changed his outfit for dinner, but Ash stuck it out with her blazer. Maybe it was part of a bet? (And fyi Ashley, I'm not judging clothing, I'm judging clothing choices). He told her he was a mama's boy to which Ashley instinctively responded, "I love mama's boys!" He told her his mom died a few years earlier, which left Ashley "heartbroken' (even though West's my-wife-died-in-the-first-year-of-our-marriage hadn't phased her half as much).

She flipped a coin to see if he'd get a rose, and the odds were in his favor (or against, depending on how you look at it). Ashley told him she would have kept him anyway. It's a good thing she let him know because from the way she was all over him, he might not have gotten that.

They went for a walk on the beach, and had a private concert (On the second 1-on-1 instead of the first?!? Changing it up on me, ABC!) with Colbie Caillat, and then made out in shallow water. Mickey said "I hope this is the last first date I ever go on" and I hope he meant that in a romantic and not a morbid way. Ashley wondered "who would have thought that the flip of a coin would result in a night that's so perfect? (The producer who planned it?)

Rose Party
The guys realized things were getting "real" and started upping their games. JP flipped a coin a to win one of Ashley's face grabbing kisses. Bad Hair Nick taught her a line dance move, only to be interrupted by Bad Luck Willy, who already had a rose. (The nerve!) BLW and Ash talked about how perfect their date was and kissed but it didn't seem as passionate as the one with JP. Ben C. told Ashley she was like a table at an "unbelievable restaurant", which I think was a compliment.

Masked Jeff decided it was time to abandon his "stealth approach" and reveal his true self to Ashley. First, they sat in a candlelit stairway and he told her about his life-threatening brain hemorrhage and divorce at 29. He was about to take off the mask, when he was interrupted by Matt who took her away to chat. Looks like another week of masked fun for us.

When BLW recounted his date for the guys, Bentley said "I would literally rather be like swimming in pee than trying to plan a wedding with her". Then he carried Ashley to a fireplace. That left her "speechless" -- not because she thought we was trying to throw her, but because it made her feel like she was in a "fairytale". They smooched. She was into it; he wasn't. She thought he could be The One, trusting her gut that saw "such sincerity from him."

Booted: Matt, who said " I feel like I just wasted an entire trip for losing it to a guy had a mask on." You did. Hairstylist Stephen whittled the Keanu choreographers triad down to 2 and Bachelor super fan Ryan M. left saying, "it sucks".

Kiss Tally: 4 -- Bad Luck Willy (multiple, some on the water), Mickey (multiple, some in the water), Bentley (multiple, by a fire), JP and her good judgment (goodbye)

Next Week's Drinking Game: The word "she"