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The Bachelorette Week 3 Recap: Wherein Ali Cozies Up to Anything on 2 (or 1) Legs

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This week, front runner Roberto had a one-on-one, Justin set out to prove the true nature of his intentions (which still remain completely ambiguous) and half of the guys got to make out with Ali....but it was only "acting"....some of the time.

One-on-One with Roberto
The date started off with a helicopter ride. Again Ali confronted her fear of flying (Oh ABC, how long are we going to milk this for?) and again she cooed about how her date made her feel safe. Apparently Roberto is "so protective and manly".

Then, they walked along a tightrope between high-rises and Roberto went for the dramatic kiss 20 stories above ground. Again, Ali let us know that he made her feel safe. (We got it, Cinderella, we got it.) They drank champagne, watched the sunset and Roberto made a comment too cheesy to repeat in print.

When Roberto told Ali that English wasn't his first language, he'd taken French in high school and had traveled to Italy, she exclaimed, "You have been everywhere!" She also told him he was "good looking" and "so beautiful". How beautiful? So beautiful they had get down on the ground right there and cuddle. For those of you tracking Ali's giggles, we'd reached triple digits by this point.

Group Date of Gropage
Over Enthused Screenwriter Frank was--surprise--"psyched" about going on the group date. At an impromptu Barenaked Ladies concert (how the mighty have fallen) Ali told the guys they would be making a fake music video with the band. Ali got way too excited, jumped up and down and whooped a little too much. Maybe Frank is right for her. Speaking of Frank, he brilliantly inferred that the song, You Run Away, about a woman running away from was "so relevant to what we're going through right now" because it's like Ali's running away from all the different guys in the house. Get it?

The video involved all of the guys either kissing or rubbing oil on Ali - if not both. Weatherman was nervous about kissing her, probably because she's not Craig M. When they were shooting, the director had to ask Weatherman for more emotion and he started to cry. (He missed his boyfriend!) Frank got jealous watching Ali canoodling in the "scenes" with her various suitors. Kirk got to roll around and make out with her in a bed, and they kept kissing even after the director yelled cut. Frank, in his understated way said, "If Kirk gets the rose tonight, it's gonna kill me."

Ali deemed it the date best group date ever, explaining, "It was easier for me 'cuz I knew the guys and I got to do something so fun...". By "do something fun" she meant make out with each of guy, while others stood around watching, waiting to have their turn. By "knew the guys" she meant biblically.

At the "wrap party', Chris L. let slip that his mom died, Ali and Kirk make made out in a hot tub (Kirk also makes her feel safe, for the record.), and Frank freaked out some more. Kirk got the rose for being the person Ali made out most with that day, beating out Chris L. and his revelation of devastating loss. Frank did not die as promised.

House Drama and a Bonus Date!

Justin started to worry that his broken leg was a "huge" impediment putting him "at a deficit". (You know, he couldn't do things like go swimming. How does one make a love connection if not in a hot tub? He doesn't, is the answer.) So, he decided to take matters into his own hands and hobble off on his crutches to Ali's house, with dramatic music underscoring.

He arrived "just as" Ali was filming an interview. It was so unexpected, we heard a producer's voice asking Ali questions about her date that night and then saying "Wait!" when Justin hobbled into focus. Then the camera got really shaky. I'm not really sure why a camera guy wouldn't be able to hold it steady once Justin showed up, but I think it was to emphasize the spontaneity of the event. (It's not like hopping on crutches for a couple miles would have taken long. There's no way the anyone could have been in touch with the crew before Justin arrived at Ali's. ) It's all so real!

Justin told Ali that he was real deal, was there for her and was also really sweaty. They hung out in her house and he showed her pictures of his family including a marriage photo of his parents who were divorced--and by the way his dad was dead (kind of an awkward conversation starter). Justin told Ali that because he didn't have a father figure in his life, he wanted to be a dad and Ali rewarded him with cuddling.

Back at the house, Justin didn't tell the guys what he did and kept wishing aloud that he could have one-on-one time with Ali. Later, all the guys were drinking beers in the hot tub, doubting Justin's his intentions. So, Justin broke out his dad story for the second time in 10 minutes and the guys stopped.

One-on-One with Hunter
Hunter, who is sometimes cute and sometimes not, had one-on-one with Ali at her house. I can't figure out what happened to him since the first episode. Maybe it was the guitar that initially made him attractive? He is also Southern, which we could tell because he kept calling Ali names like "baby" and "darlin".

Hunter and Ali put on aprons, made dinner and talked about how they were children of divorce. Then, they got in the pool and engaged in stilted conversation while Hunter awkwardly kissed Ali's shoulder repeatedly. Later, he told her he wanted to break down his walls, she told him he wasn't getting a rose, he asked if he could change her mind and she was like: no.

In the first farewell car ride of the season, Hunter said he felt disappointed and like he'd choked. (But I'm betting there will be some serious Justin-blaming at the Men Tell All.)

Rose Party
Ali toned down the makeup and, while the dress was far from perfect (360 degree bustle? And did she really need that glitter belt? What is with all the glitter, Ali?), it was a much better showing that the previous weeks. So kudos to our Bachelorette for making progress in the realm of fashion, at least.

Ali chatted with Chris L. about eating lobster and playing flip cup, after which he sighed, "She gets me already". She compared Bad Intentions Justin to Vienna; she just thinks he's different from the other guys. Steve decided to take initiative and make his own date with Ali. He set up candles, put out a blanket, grabbed a bottle of champagne and even put on...wait for it...Chapstick. But he had a lot of trouble opening the bottle and Ali never got a chance to experience the Chapstick firsthand.

Ali cuddled with Roberto, who warned her about Justin. She told Roberto that Justin visited her at the house, which Roberto then told the other guys, who obviously became enraged. Ty, who likes to be angry, was pissed that Justin took time away from Hunter's date and called him "Mr. Jekyll and Hyde"(close enough). Justin walked in on the group and overheard them hating on him. He got so upset he was brought to tear (singular) and ran outside to the bushes to cry some more (or just fake it, depending on who you ask).

Ali's dating multiple guys was "starting to kill" Frank and it became "too much too handle". He wondered if he'd "be able to cope with that" but by that point I knew his promises were empty. (*Spoiler Alert* At least it looks like someone--Cardboard Kasey, if you care--has a meltdown next week.)

Rose Ceremony
Chris L. finally got the rose he deserved for sharing painful emotional details. Chris N. also got a rose and I have no idea who he is, or what his deal is, except that he has really bad 90s hair. The last rose, of course, went to Justin.

Booted: Steve, whose picnic didn't cut it (What a waste of Chapstick.), and John C. who thinks Ali made a mistake and--surprise, surprise--that Justin's there for the wrong reasons. (And Hunter, who didn't event make it to the ceremony.)

Next Week's Drinking Game:
It's PDA week! Every time Ali kisses, hugs, cuddles, holds a hand or lets someone massage her. Please pace yourselves.