This week Emily was very busy going on dates, sucking face, heaping undeserved compliments on Potential Future Husbands and freaking out about all sorts of things. So let's get to it, shall we?
1-on-1 With Bobble Chris
To start their date, Emily and Bobble Chris went rappelling up a tall building. It was like -- a metaphor for being in love: taking risks, conquering fears, wearing a harness. Emily freaked out at one point, but made it to the top and thanked Chris "for not ditching" her. (He was strapped into a harness, hundreds of feet above ground. Where was he gonna go?)
Throughout the date Emily gushed over him: he's cute, he impresses her, he's a manly man, if she saw him across a bar she wouldn't talk to him, he's very cute. Then she found out he was 25 and it was Contrived Conflict Time. Was he ready to date a mom at his under-ripe young age?
He assured her, "I know I'm young, you know 25 but, we're similar in age, but I'm no, I'm a man." See how manly he is? And good at expressing thoughts! He told her his unique upbringing had "matured" him. You see, he left home at 17 to go away to school, which made him "grow up a lot quicker"... than all the other 17 year-olds who go away to school? Emily bought it, because she wasn't really concerned in the first place.
Then it was time to go to a country music concert, where the
extras "locals" stood on the sidelines, watching Chris and Emily dance. Chris asked permission before he kissed her and said, "Kissing Emily was like, the greatest thing I've ever experience in my life." And if that didn't convince how sad his life is, he continued, "This has to be the top moment of my life." Then, right as the chorus began, all the extras spontaneously ran out to join them on the dance floor.
Head Trauma Charlie, Earring'ed-Alejandro, Wolf Face Alessandro, Dimpled D-Bag Ryan, MC Stevie, Aryan Sean, Wolf Man John, Hair Model Michael, Daddy Doug, '90s Jeff, Papa Tony and Egg-Man Travis met Emily for a date in the park.
They learned they were there to get "grilled" as Emily put it, by her girlfriends. In their individual interviews, Stevie break-danced, Tony tried to dance, Ryan did push-ups and Sean did shirtless push ups with one woman on his back -- winning the favor of Emily's friends.
After the interview portion, Emily summoned a gaggle of small children to test the guys' parenting skills. (Who are these kids' parents and how did they allow this?) Ryan snuck away from babysitting to talk to Emily and her crew. He told Emily if they got married, he wouldn't want her to get fat, explaining, "I would still love you, I just might not love on you as much." Emily was not impressed, but Ryan walked away feeling super-confident.
For the after-party (every date on this show has an after-party), Emily wore a sequined leopard print mini-skirt (Yah, you heard me right.) and started the night off with a gigantic glass of wine, filled to the brim.
Sean got some time with Emily and told her about his faith and how he wanted a relationship like his parents'.
Doug told Emily, "Your girlfriends remind me so much of all my buddies' wives." (I can't tell you how often I hear that line in bars.) Then it was time for his sob story. Ready? His dad had epilepsy, his mom "just wasn't a good person" and left them, his dad died because he "didn't want to go to the doctors, didn't want to spend our grocery money" and young Doug and his sister were separated and sent to foster care. Emily cried because she was
Tony told Emily he missed his son and got all choked up. She rubbed his shoulder, telling him "you're so cute" while he cried. Then Tony went to cry some more in a back alley, while Doug tried to console him. Then Emily joined him in the alley and told him she didn't want to keep him on the show longer if she knew he wasn't The One, told him he would make "a wonderful husband to one lucky lady one day" and sent him on his way.
The date rose went to Sean for his faith, family and pectoral muscles.
1-on-1 With Arie
Emily and Arie flew to Tennessee to visit Dollywood, Dolly Parton's theme park. (Emily was so busy this week, there wasn't even time to ogle over the private plane before they took off!) Emily had her "first time ever like on a real like super serious roller-coaster." (Really? At Dollywood?) She was scared but Arie protected her or whatever.
Then they went to an empty theater and... surprise! Dolly Parton showed up. Emily freaked out because she apparently loves Dolly. (Hence the baffling sequin obsession?) Dolly serenaded them while they danced awkwardly and Emily said, "I could die" over and over, calling it the best part of her life. (She, like Doug, also appears to have a sad, empty life. Maybe they are perfect for each other.)
Dolly did some Chris-Harrison-style therapy with Emily, there was more serenading and dancing, and then it was time for the dinner interrogation. Emily has been taking these dinner dates so seriously with all her questions. Who does she think she is? Christiane Amanpour?
Arie told Emily about his last relationship. His ex had kids and they lived together, but they broke up because... well, it's not clear. She didn't want more kids. And also "it was like aw you remind me too much of my ex-husband because of racing and it just kind of blew up you know and it was just sad because I really missed her kids all the time and that was like the hardest part." Did you get that?
Arie asked about Emily's relationship with Brad and she said it didn't work because he wasn't ready "for marriage and babies and everything."
Arie worried Emily would resent the demands of his racing schedule (because he apparently only dates women with tumultuous histories with race car drivers), but she said, "I welcome it" because "I like my own space." (Halfway through the first date and she already wants space? Good sign.) She told him he was "so great" and "so brave," then pretended she was about to dump him, only to reveal she was kidding and then gave him a rose. He kissed her on the cheek and she responded, "Cool" in a way that meant, "That cheek kiss was totally not cool.'"
Then Dolly Parton music played as they rode a carousel and made out in slow motion. Emily said Artie reminded her of her dead fiancé Ricky which was "really cool" -- in a way that sound like she actually thought it was cool... which was a little disturbing.
Little Ricki had her weekly cameo helping Emily get ready. Unfortunately, she wasn't old enough to caution her mom against her floor-length, low-cut gold glitter mess of a dress and giant hoop earrings.
At the party, Emily told Kalon (who was sporting glasses, perhaps to accentuate his glossy pout?) she thought he was a "genuine guy" (contrary to all the PFHs who think he's There for the Wrong Reasons). He talked for a while (Couldn't focus on the words. Lips too shiny.) until Emily tried to respond and he interrupted her saying, "I love it when you talk but I wish you'd let me finish" and kept going. After the conversation Emily said, "I do like tall, skinny and funny but I don't like tall, skinny and condescending." Zing, Emily! Zing!
Egg-Man Travis decided it was time "time to lay Shelly [the egg] to rest." (Did you catch that oh-so clever word play?) So he let Emily smash it into the ground and then hugged her. (Smashed eggs get all the ladies so hot.)
Then Wolf Face sat down with Emily. It was like Vegas Stripper and the Beast. He told her he didn't have experience with kids and thought becoming Ricki's dad would be a compromise." Emily was not impressed and said, "having a daughter isn't a compromise." What's more, a Potential Future Husband should see that "as the biggest bonus ever." She sent him home without a goodbye speech or a hug. After he left, she was still upset, so she had more to drink and made out with Arie in a corner.
Then Emily sat by the fire with Sean, and asked him to flatter her. He told her if they'd were in non-Bachelor world, he would have sent her "a sweet text" after their date. (Wow. A text. Big time. Sorry -- not just a text. A sweet text. Amazing.) He told her he was ready to be a father and if they ended up together, "Ricki would be my child, no doubt about it." (Which, forgive me if I'm wrong, but is a little much after you've been on one gang-date with someone.) Emily loved it and went into compliment mode, calling him good-looking and kindhearted and so sweet. They swapped some saliva (along with Arie's which was probably still in there somewhere) and Emily said her faith was renewed.
Chris, Sean and Arie were already safe. Jeff got the first rose, and the last one went to Nate who barely made it on screen this week.
Booted: Tony, Alessandro and MC Stevie. (It was sad to see him go, but he'd used up all the allotted break-dancing screen time.)
Bonus Footage: During the credits, we saw Alessandro's interview with Emily's friends. He told them he dated his cousin, cheated on a girlfriend and was a "kind of a gypsy" who couldn't even have a pet. So basically, even before the Compromise Crisis of 2012, he was done.
Next Week's Drinking Game
Emily pays a guy a compliment
A guy pays Emily a compliment