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The Bachelorette Week Five Recap: The Week of the Hyperbole

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This week was intense! People had the best moments of their lives and the worst moments of their lives. Jillian laughed and cried and kissed a lot of guys. And the quest to uncover who had a girlfriend back home continued...

Michael 1-on-1
Jillian and Michael went zip lining. They laughed and bonded over their love of adventure and downtime. (Jillian: I love hanging out with movies and popcorn; Michael: Yah pajamas!) At dinner, they agreed their champagne was the best champagne they've EVER had. Jillian had a profound insight on the nature of happiness: "We don't need to be like tip toeing through the tulip fields, but I just want it to be real." Michael assured her that he was 100% there for the right reasons. He got the rose...and a kiss.

Group Date: Snowmobiling!
Jillian let us know that, "To have eight hot guys, snowmobiling with her in Whistler - this is every Canadian girl's dream." Apparently she's moved on from that whole kitchen fetish. Jillian took the guys aside one at a time to question them about the girlfriend issue. Everyone assured her they were there for the right reasons. Wes assured her he wasn't there for his music career, and then privately told the camera he sort of was.

Tanner P refused to throw anyone (Wes) under the bus, but told J to keep her eyes open. Helpful advice, Tanner. The guys got bored of hating on Wes and called Robby too young, irresponsible, unemployed, and an alcoholic behind his back. Then everyone hung out at an ice bar - which is a bar made out of ice. And for the second time this season, Jillian danced on a bar. Groan.

Jillian spent some time with Kiptyn, told him to feel her butt and asked him if he liked her - twice. And then there was kissing... She then chatted with Reid and asked him where he saw himself in five years. Reid said with kids - but adventurous kids. He told Jillian she smelled like snow and flowers and gasoline. And then there was kissing...

Ed Drama: Part I
Ed told Jillian his boss gave him an ultimatum and he was considering leaving The Bachelorette. (You may recall that on their first date, Ed told Jillian he had a hard time balancing his work and personal life.) Jillian gave Ed the date rose to show him she wanted him to stay. Ed said the decision was "absolutely killing" him. Suspense...

Jesse 1-on-1
Jesse and Jillian flew a seaplane to a glacier. (Changing it up from the helicopters!) They played in the snow and felt like the only ones on earth (if they just ignored that camera crew to the left). Jillian said this was the coolest thing she'd EVER done in her life. Jesse said it was the best date AND the best day of his life. ...And then there was kissing.

Then, Jillian wanted to see what Jesse would be like when they were just chilling by a fire. (Because fire is very different than ice) There, she asked him where he'd be at 35. He said: "successful, making wine, wine bar, living in a great house, wife, and kids." Jillian seemed pleased with that answer. The order sort of disturbed me. Jillian told Jesse that although she was a career girl, she was prepared to leave Vancouver and put her life in someone else's hands. Vomit. Then it was off to the hot tub, where Jesse got a rose...and the kissing.

Ed Drama: Part II

Ed told Jillian he had to leave, but it was the hardest thing he EVER had to do. His rational decision (to not get fired in the name of fighting with 9 other guys for the hand of a girl he just met) made me love him even more. Call me, Ed. Seriously, call me. A distraught Jillian walked alone in the snow and contemplated how much she'd given up on her quest for love, but she said she had no regrets. (We'll see about that six months from now.)

Final Rose Ceremony
This week, J toned down the makeup and I think we all appreciated that. Before the ceremony, Chris kept trying to get her to say she was in love with Ed. She wouldn't, so finally he said it for her. Jillian only had to send one guy home and it came down to Mark or Wes - so obviously she booted Mark. On his way out, we heard Mark's sob story of how he'd been cheated on and was scared to let down his walls. And how Wes was there for the wrong reasons.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to hop a plane to Chicago and propose to Ed.

Next Week's Drinking Game
Every kiss
Every train analogy or pun
Every time Jillian cries

This Week's Tally
Michael does something adorable - 19 (Since it's subjective, I've included my list below)

1. At the beginning of the episode, awkwardly running to Jillian with his hands in his pockets, in order to get the first hug.
2. Making the superstar pose when finds out he gets the first 1-on-1
3. Saying "Now Whistler is best place!" when he finds out he has 1-on-1
4. The dance he did in celebration of getting 1-on-1
5. How does he know he likes Jillian? "I could sit in a room with her and eat spaghetti"
6. Dancing a 1-2-3 countdown before zip lining
7. Calling zip lining with Jillian the "first little spark of awesomeness"
8. Bowing to the waiter at dinner
9. "I am a cheesy ass like helpless romantic fall in love if a girl kisses me on the mouth kind of guy"
10. Fidgeting like crazy while waiting to see if he would get a rose.
11. The crazy face he made when got the rose
12. The bear hug he gave Jillian when got the rose.
13. The tiny closed-mouth preteen kiss he gave Jillian when he got the rose.
14. The way he ran to the door to get Jesse's date card - enthusiasm!
15. How he high-fived Jesse when his name was on the date card
16. His response to Jillian's "Let's break the ice" date card for Jesse: "Maybe she's gonna break up with you!"
17. More funny faces while hanging out with the guys.
18. Wearing a pink sweater at the rose ceremony!
19. Fist bumping Jesse - because they're safe with roses.

Please feel free to add to (or contest) the list!