The Chace Crawford Paradox

07/18/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

This morning, People Magazine named Chace Crawford the "Hottest Bachelor of 2009" and I object.

Not only is his brand of pretty painfully bland, but he is bringing Gossip Girl down! That's right, I said it. But you've all been thinking it. Since Season 1, Chace has been the lead-brick that weighs down the ethereal beauties of the Upper East Side. As they flit about sharper than knives, he sinks the party like a hunk of lead play-dough. Yes, that's what he is: lead play-dough.

And I know some of you may feel compelled to blame this problem on his character, Nate. No, Chace is just boring. His face is boring, his acting is boring, even the gay rumors about him are boring. Why do think those rumors surfaced anyway? Because Ed Westwick is un-boring and some publicist thought that would bring Nate's interesting-stock up. And that brings us to the real problem here, which I call The Crawford-Paradox.

The Crawford-Paradox is the belief that bringing Chace Crawford into close proximity with interesting people will make him more interesting. And it always fails. This season on Gossip Girl, he was paired up with Jenny, Serena, Dan - even British royalty. And they all became a lot a lot less exciting as a result.

At one point, it looked as if someone had finally cracked The Crawford Paradox. Some smart soul suggested that Vanessa and Nate be paired up. They realized that since they had to keep those painfully boring kids on their contracts, and since Vanessa was almost as boring as Nate, they should team them up. Yes, this made their storylines unbearable to watch, but it was a necessary sacrifice for the good of the rest of the show.

In the final weeks of Season 2, someone decided Nate should get back together with Blair, and Chuck should get caught up in the conflict. And across mountains and valleys, urban palaces and tiny studio apartments everywhere, a cry was heard. Because Blair is the best character on the show, with Chuck in a close second (thanks to Leighton Meester and Ed Westwick). They are fun and sexy and kind of evil and we love them for it. So why does the CW want to go and rain on that perfection with a block of lead play-dough?

But it's not the CW's fault alone. Everyone Chace touches becomes equally misguided. The idea to have him star in a re-make of Footloose?! That's the Crawford-Paradox taken to the extreme! Now, he doesn't even need to be on-screen with someone interesting, just vaguely associated with Kevin Bacon.

It has gotten to a point where I have to wonder: why is everyone trying so hard with Chace? Does he exude some sort of false-charisma-endorphins that make people believe they can make him cool, if only paired with the right people? Or is it more than that? Is it some sort of conspiracy? Why must Chace Crawford be broadcast over our airwaves? Why must he laugh at us from the cover of People Magazine? What does he want? Or rather, what do those who control him want?

But Seriously People Magazine, putting Crawford on a list with Shia Labeouf, The Rock, that kid from X-Men and even that kid from Twilight will not make him less boring. For goodness sake, he talks about Beer Pong in his interview! Am I the only who is seeing this?