With the royal wedding on Friday, I have less than 48 hours to fulfill my lifelong marry-a-prince and-become-a-princess dream! It might seem like a lost cause, but I've watched enough Real Housewives to know it's never to late to follow your dreams, and enough Bachelor to know that it takes like, a minute to fall in love. All I need is a plan.
1. Meet Prince William in cute/ unexpected way. (Grocery shopping? Yoga class? Library?)
2. Research to see if Royals shop at supermarkets/ do yoga/ read.
3. If not, research how to get position as royal scullery maid.
4. Contact college profs to get references for scullery maid job application.
5. Upon meeting, captivate Prince with healthy curves that look way cuter than Kate's crazy diet body.
6. Acquire healthy curves. (New boobs?)
7. Start Facebook Kickstarter campaign to raise money for last minute boob job.
8. Once Prince is staring/drooling, dazzle him with knowledge of fancy teas.
9. Research fancy teas, come up with good Darjeeling joke.
10. Spend glorious day wandering the streets of London, feeding each other crumpets.
11. Practice sexy crumpet-eating.
12. Almost kiss in front of Big Ben, but get stopped by loud chime just before our lips meet.
13. Break it off (despite Prince's vehement protests) in order to save his good name.
14. Catch Kate cheating with someone Irish or American. Maybe one of each?
15. Show up at Buckingham Palace to warn Will re: Kate, but immediately decide to leave, saving him pain/embarrassment, BUT on way out stop to save Queen from tripping down stairs, catching her in pillow-y new breasts, gaining her favor and causing enough commotion to make Prince run downstairs and see me running out the door (Gate? Drawbridge?), leaving behind a shoe.
part shoeless (16b. bring extra shoes!) to Big Ben to find Prince, playing Elton John on boom box.
Keep detailed notes (blog? tweets?) about all this so can sell rights for tell-all book to be optioned as Lifetime movie, should Will decided to go back to that skinny party piece.
17. In case of amicable break-up,
crash get invited to Will and Kate's rescheduled wedding, so I can meet Harry.
Follow Tasha Gordon-Solmon on Twitter: www.twitter.com/tashags