It came like a flash in my mind. A simple question with a simple answer.
"If I forgive him, would it help me?"
Suddenly a voice inside my head said, "Yes!!!"
So, I immediately envisioned an image of my abuser standing in front of me as I confronted my memory of him.
I said without reservation, "I forgive you completely from my heart and I send you my love for your own healing in your own time."
That was it. Just that simple.
And then I let it all go on the inside ... the 10 years of verbal and mental abuse, the numbness, the emotional toll, the screaming, the nasty language, the sexual innuendos, all the damage he had done.
I just let it all go.
The next moment I felt a great weight lift off of my chest. I felt light and giggly. I also felt like I had somehow finally done something I was meant to do. I felt a freedom I had not known before.
In a moment of true forgiveness I never saw coming, I realized that my body, mind, heart, and spirit weren't meant to carry these burdens. I had done in an instant what seemingly I refused to do for thirty years. A smile came to my face, the first one in a long time.
Forgiving didn't come easy for me. I fought it like the dickens.
It came after decades of struggling, searching, and wishing things were different than they were.
Could I have forgiven him 30 years ago? Yes, but I didn't know how and I couldn't bring myself to do it. It didn't seem like the right thing to do at the time.
Now it did because this day I was ready for peace more than the pain. The day I forgave him was the day I decided to set this situation right on my own terms no matter how much time had passed.
What took me so long?
Through ongoing forgiveness research and a full examination of my thoughts, heart, and belief systems, I discovered several reasons why I struggled to forgive.
Here are my Top 3:
1. I Needed Redemption -- nothing is worse than feeling the pain of getting hurt and not getting closure. I hung on thinking he would eventually do the right thing and apologize. How could he not? Life didn't force him to make it right. Sometimes the other person is unaware they injured us.
That didn't keep my mind from wanting him to take action and admit his mistakes.
We want people to take responsibility!
Most of the time, the apology never happens. It didn't come for me.
However, all is not lost. We certainly can redeem all parts of our pain through forgiveness. We can vow to make it right within us, regardless of what the other person does or does not do. It's the kind of redemption that comes from love and allows the fear of our painful memories finally fall away for good.
2. I Needed Answers -- thoughts racing through my mind were why me? If he hadn't been in my life, I would be so different!
Those were the victim cycles I experienced in the aftermath of that time.
How could I forgive without answers, without so much as an explanation? Talking to him again was out of the question. So, I learned how to create answers for myself.
Was this experience really meant to happen to me or for me?
After a lot of soul-searching and professional help, I came to the understanding that the true answers to healing were inside of me.
Could abuse lead to the experience of something better?
Yes, I decided it could.
Instead of wishing the experience never happened, I assigned a different meaning to it.
I used the situation to my advantage. I decided that the 10 years of abuse and 20 years of searching were meant for me on the journey of healing my soul and eventually to understand the incredible power of forgiveness.
I managed to find as Dr. Napoleon Hill described as the "the seed of equivalent benefit" in my pain.
Today, I help others find peace. That would have never been possible had I not went through what I did in childhood.
Your pain can become your purpose if you will allow it.
In the final analysis, I never needed answers from him. What I truly desired was to provide myself with the answers of how I was going to turn the situation around to benefit the remainder of my life. The first act of moving forward was to forgive him.
3. I Felt Good in Resentment -- maybe you have felt it ... holding on to the possibility that one day I'll get even had me feeling good about keeping the resentment going. Let me be honest, it felt really good to vent, cuss, and stir my hatred of what happened over and over.
After a while, the circle of resentment started to hurt and began affecting my physical health. The taste in my mouth changed. I gained weight. I felt dense and lethargic. Something had to give.
What I didn't realize is that the unforgiveness was causing my body, mind, and spirit great harm. Replaying anger released harmful chemicals in my body that protected me, yet help me build walls of fear that kept me isolated and unable to move forward.
The very moment I forgave him, the walls of fear came tumbling down and the freedom I felt was a spiritual light and newness helping me to expand the view of the situation.
So, what did I learn?
I learned that I held on tight in resentment because I thought it would help me get even. I thought it would provide the answers I needed from him. I thought it was safe, keeping the anger alive, groveling in excuses, and waiting for it all to come full circle.
Our thoughts can deceive us into an endless cycle of survival until we are ready to break free and thrive again.
Forgiveness was the magic key that brought the separated parts of me back to wholeness.
Forgiveness was the only true answer to peace, freedom, and final internal reconciliation with him and with myself.
Forgiveness was my redemption, my answer, my way to finally heal my life.
Is it time for you to heal what is hurting you?
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