THE BLOG
10/12/2008 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Diary of a Tempted Wife: Chapter One

I am in love with someone other than my husband. I can't stop thinking about him. It's been months now and I keep hoping the feeling will go away. Like waiting for the dopamine to wear off so I can realize that it wasn't really love, but just a bad case of lust, or maybe some sort of distraction to a bigger, underlying issue. But it's still here, stronger than ever.

My Husband and I have a wonderful life, a great home and a beautiful family. We've been married for a long, long time. We've gone to countless engagement parties and weddings of people we know only to see their couplings end in divorce just after a few short married years. We've outlasted everyone. We are still standing and I know that we are an inspiration to others for the longevity and seemingly perfect life that we have.

Don't get me wrong. I love my Husband. But I just don't think I am IN love with him anymore. I haven't done anything with the Other Man. Not yet anyways, but I fantasize about doing something all the time. He's on my mind 24/7.

The thing is, on paper, Other Guy is totally wrong for me. Visually, it would be like Gisele Bundchen and Harry Knowles getting together. I'm not saying I look like a supermodel or that this guy's an obese man who still lives at home, but we are both from such different worlds that there should be no reason that we would even be together. But the feelings we have towards each other is so strong, like two magnets who can't resist coming together. It's like our souls have some sort of cellular memory from a past life. I KNOW this guy. My soul just KNOWS him. And this is not the way I have ever felt with my husband. Even when I first met him.

I've only been in love twice in my life. The second guy I married. I'm not one of those women that has been engaged countless times, only to break it off. I said "yes" once and we got married. The vows I took were till death do us part. I must honor that. How shitty would it be if I didn't?

With Other Guy, I am finding myself in love for the third time in my life and it's not fun for me. In fact, this whole experience has been downright stressful. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm not even happy. This love is making me very sad because it is a love that cannot happen, as much as every inch of my body and soul wants it too. I am not a cheater (though I feel like one already) and if I go down that path, I know nothing good will become of it.

Which brings me to say something very important. I have never, ever cheated on my husband. In all our years of marriage, I've never once strayed, or been tempted to stray. I can't even begin to imagine the stress of having to lie, make-up stories and sneak around in order to be with another person. Simply being in love with Other Guy is stressful enough. Carrying it out feels like it could be suicidal.

It sounds cheesy to say, but I feel like Other Guy and I have been together in a past life. Like perhaps it was some sort of unrequited love that was never consummated and has now carried over to this life. How else do I explain this sort of Victorian romance that we are having? Beautiful words and gestures, but a self-imposed restraint on both of our parts. We talk about how we feel for one another, how wonderful it would be to be together, but how wrong it would be under the circumstances. All I keep thinking is - God! So it's NOT going to happen in THIS lifetime as well? Then when? Another 100 years? I can't bear it!

You know one of the reasons I don't want to cheat on my husband? Because I feel like some day - whether it's in this lifetime or another - that I truly will be with Other Guy. And if I cheat on my Husband, then Other Guy will always, always wonder if I would cheat on him too. And I love him too much to ever want him to even think that I'd do that. How fucked up is that? That THAT is the main reason I am not cheating on my own husband? In some sick and weird way, I am pledging my loyalty and faithfulness to Other Guy by NOT cheating on my own Husband.

This is just too much for the heart to handle. The need and desire to want to touch Other Guy is so strong it's overwhelming. To touch his face, his hand and to feel his lips.... I'm ready to explode inside because I feel so alone in this. I can't talk to any of my friends about my situation. They would be shocked to hear it because everyone assumes my Husband and I are in love and leading our perfect lovely life. Heck, even my Husband thinks that!

This love is making me extremely fragile emotionally. Since I have never cheated before, or been in love with someone outside my marriage, I do not have any coping skills in dealing with this. It's not like I can say, 'Oh yeah, this happened to me before, and this is how I resolved it.' This is an entirely new thing for me and I don't know what to do, how to deal. How DOES one deal?