Diary of a Tempted Wife: Chapter 2

I'm still here and I'm still tempted. But I feel a lot less alone now. Reading everyone's comments and hearing others' experiences made me feel relieved that I am not the only one.

Other Guy and I actually had a period of close to 2 months without any contact. I have to say, during that time there was not a single day that I did not think about him. When he finally did call, out of the blue, I was overwhelmed with emotion that I just about fell to my knees. He was still feeling the same way as before. So was I. His feelings did not wear off nor did they fade away. Neither did mine. In fact, they somehow grew stronger.

You need to believe me when I say that all this time, Other Guy and I have never even kissed. Sure in my mind I've kissed him a thousand times and made love to him a hundred times more. But in real life, I'm sad to say that I have not. And I'm relieved to a certain extent as well. Relieved because I fear that if a kiss should ever happen, a Pandora's Box will open and I don't think I'd be prepared to deal with that.

When I did finally see Other Guy after our time apart, I wanted to kiss him so badly. En route to meet him, I imagined myself just planting one on him the second I laid eyes on him. But when we were face to face, I chickened out. He asked for a kiss and I said yes. When he leaned in for it, I got paralyzed and kept my mouth practically closed. His lips parted slightly as he was going one way, but I was not following. It wasn't awkward or weird. It was simply understood that that was not going to happen at this time.

Immediately after though, I wished I had the guts to ask Other Guy to do it over. I wanted to redo it so that my mouth could match his. But I didn't ask because even though I wanted to go there, I was afraid to go there. Ever since that attempt, I keep thinking about wanting to redo it. His lips were soft. Much fuller on the mouth than they appear on his face. I want to feel them again. Just one more time. Alas I haven't seen him since that day. We've spoken plenty, but not face to face. Probably a good thing in the long run.

The thing is, if I ever got a chance to redo the kiss - and it is inevitable that at some point, that day will arrive - I'm not sure I'd be brave enough to actually "kiss" kiss him. I'm chicken shit because as I said before, that kiss would be the first step down a slippery slope of getting physical with a man other than my husband. But there's another reason as well, one that I'm slightly embarrassed to admit: I have not kissed another man in over a decade and I am so scared that I can't kiss properly anymore! Not like that anyways. I mean, my husband and I don't even kiss that way anymore! What if I'm a horrible kisser? What if Other Guy thinks I'm a horrible kisser? Is kissing like riding a bicycle? What if I'm so rusty I won't remember?

I do hope, as Armason commented in my first blog, that is is a phase I'm going through. I'm trying to heed to Wata's advice to not do anything drastic now and just let things stay as is. Oh Wata, that is so hard!!!!!

Can make a confession? When I made love to my husband the first time since falling for Other Guy, I cried afterwards. My dear Husband fell asleep and there I was, bawling because I felt like I had just made love to the wrong guy. It is the first time I have ever felt such a feeling post-sex. Oh sure he's the right husband, the right father, the right so-many-things. But just not the right soul for my soul. I was filled with such a sadness after our lovemaking. It should have been Other Guy, I kept thinking through the tears.

This love that Other Guy and I feel for each other - it predates us. It was there before we were born. I know it because I feel it. Other Guy and I have something that I do not have with my Husband. Even NedFlanders19 noticed from my writing in Chapter One that Other Guy and I have some sort of soul connection. I wish I had better insight into this, but all I have is a feeling that is guiding me. There is no concrete or tangible proof, otherwise.

Here's the thing. I don't want to trade one guy for another. It would just be bad karma to do so. Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, all around. I'm not stupid to think you can just upgrade husbands. This is not trading in one model for a newer, shinier version. Because even the shinny version dulls eventually, I understand that. Plus, I like the model I have. It's consistent, reliable, good to me and loves me. Plus, since I've never put my own identity in another man, I can assure you that I'm not looking for a better husband, a better father, a better provider or a better anything. I have found all these things in my own Husband years ago. We have a heart to heart connection, Husband and I. It's deep. It's loving. But it's not a soul to soul connection. That belongs with Other Guy.

I did not ask the Universe to meet Other Guy. I did not give off an "I am available" vibe when Other Guy and I first met. I was just doing my everyday everything when this love crashed down on me like a meteor falling from the sky. I have tried to turn away from it. I have tried to ignore it. It just gets bigger when I do that.

I feel a need, a pull, a duty, a desire to keep exploring this thing with Other Guy because there is some reason for us to have been thrown together like this. If I feel if I abort this mission, so to speak, there will be emotional repercussions for me. But I know if I cheat on my husband, there will also be emotional repercussions. So I'm screwed either way.

Comments

[mabell75]

After reading all of the comments, let me reassure you, you are not alone and this has happened to lots of married women, though they may not be the one's leaving you the comments. "Soulmate" is a very strong pull especially for married women who thought they were "happy". When it happens to you with someone outside of the marriage it can be intoxicating, frightening, exciting, exhillarating, maddening, unexpected but mostly awakening. Be careful, this can be a very dangerous emotional situation and somewhat game to play, you can get hurt even if you remain faithful to your marriage. Unless this has happened to someone, then they can not understand it, just remember you need to take care of yourself first. Never lose sight of what is important to you, such as your children, the respect of your family and peers, and or position in the community. People can and will jump to conclusions.

[Badbone]

Making this infatuation into “something larger than both of us” is a way to remove the blame from yourself. When it finally does happen (and you know it will), it wasn’t you cheating, it was simply something beyond your control. In short, it’s a cop-out and you know it.

I hope so much that you tell your husband about this. If he has half the qualities you say he has, doesn’t he deserve to know?

[vew]

OK, so you have a "crush" on a "soul mate". Well, the issue is that you are married. You made vows. So be a grown up and tell the "soul mate" to go away. And begin to rebuild your relationship with your husband. A good marriage takes work. I've been in one for 28 years and it's had it's ups and downs. But now with the children grown and out of the house, my husband and I are having fun dating each other again and working together to build a new business. So take charge of your romanticism and become a realist. Unless there is an abusive situation in your marriage then stay with your husband and rekindle the romance. Trust me- old married sex is better than when you are first married because it's built on years of trust and intimacy. And that can't be replaced by a "soul mate" crush.

[Nikola Tesla]

Vapid.

[FalconerHK]

Amen. This sort of high school angst is so pathetically tedious, predictable and pretentious.

You need to tell your husband. Right. Now. You've already cheated on him countless times in your head and as you admit, it's a question of when you'll close the deal in person, not if.

Your husband isn't a loyal pet dog or an emotion-free automaton. He already senses something's up but you're doing your best to tell yourself he's just moody, or whatever it takes to avoid dealing with the situation. The guy knows you really well and probably senses your emotional disconnection.

And when are you gonna tell him about your little blog posting - this public airing of your dirty laundry? It's gonna kill him to read this, but you'd better be the one to tell him about it before someone else does.

You can't have it both ways. If you actually love and care about your husband as you profess, then stop treating him like an idiot and come clean before you do something irreversibly vile.

[Nikola Tesla]

Just develop some self control and stop seeing the man.

Act like an adult.

[PennP]

Ultimately, a lot of life comes down to the management of misery. How to minimize it, avoid it, triumph over it, ignore it, etc. Here, you have a very clear choice: Recommit yourself to the man you married and your life with him, and experience some suffering by denying yourself the ego gratification of continuing the infatuation with the Other Guy. Or do what you so wrongly characterize as your "duty", or fulfilling your "mission," and betray the trust of your husband and family by violating your marriage vows, which will eventually cause misery for you, your husband, your family, and possibly the OG and Other People in his life. Your marriage, if it survives, will never be the same, and you will never be the same--and trust me, you won't be a shinier, happier person for having done this. Adultery has a way of putting lines and wrinkles on your soul.

That's more moralizing than preaching the economy of suffering, but consider the notion that if you were truly meant for the OG and he for you, you wouldn't even be able to iterate praise for your husband, even in terms as mechanistic and mercenary as you've done here. You'd already have consummated the affair, and either be in the process of abandoning your family, or, more likely, trying to return to them. Your hesitation should be telling you something.

[usonia]

Wow, calm down and take a deep breath. You aren't a gushing teenager any more! It's common for all of us to meet people we feel close to and develop connections, but we have to be adults, for the sake of our own sanity. Crushes fade, maybe not fast enough, but there will come a day when you can view the situation with some perspective.

Your husband loves you more than anything. Kiss more.

[ReaderTeacherCitizen]

"I feel a need, a pull, a duty, a desire to keep exploring this thing with Other Guy because there is some reason for us to have been thrown together like this."

Your need. A pull that is about what you want. No doubt a desire, for sex or attention or a romantic high. But no duty. What you are saying is that you want what you want. When you talk about "duty" and "some reason," you are lying to us and perhaps yourself. You should know, however, that your duty lies elsewhere, with your family. You can choose not to fulfill that duty. But don't run the con that you have a duty to cheat others and hurt people to fulfill your own needs and desires. Here's a "reason" you are "thrown together like this": Every person encounters situations that test his or her integrity. I have a chance to claim some money that is not mine. I have been "thrown" into that situation. But whatever I do about that is a choice that I make. Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking. You are trying to convince yourself that indulging in an affair is a duty. But you won't convince anyone else with a lick of sense or an understanding of what love is all about.

[Pupadup4oBama]

Sometimes the fantasy is a LOT better than the reality.
Being married you know it takes time to cultivate a love for that person - I think you are infatuated with OG - and there is nothing wrong with that, but think about it for a moment - if you DID let yourself go with it...you would hurt a LOT of people in the long run, for just a fleeting moment of satisfaction.
You are obviously looking at something in this guy that you are missing with your husband.
Believe me, I had a secret crush - there was obviously a spark between us - but I kept thinking to myself would i SERIOUSLY want to give up the greatest guy that I've ever had...sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Please, for the sake of your marriage - may I suggest therapy? Forget OG and concentrate on Hubby and you instead.

As you mentioned...karma baby....watch out for it.

[ReaderTeacherCitizen]

You are spending so much time thinking about this Other Guy, making it bigger than it is. You are already giving away your attention and emotional allegiance, so you are in the process of breaking the marriage apart. If there is a problem in your marriage, solve it in the marriage. If you are attracted to someone else, find out why. You need an objective third-party for that; that is why you need a therapist or counselor. You don't have a right to get "unplug" from your marriage to focus on some crush or feed some need you aren't conscious of.

I I knew a man and woman who threw away their families and wrecked the lives of 8 children because they were "soul mates." Four years later, they were bitterly divorced, both of them broke, and the kids were a mess. We put much too much stock in the high of romantic love. Real love involves being an adult, and understanding that it is hard work to maintain a good marriage that is both stable and exciting. If you are really tuned into your soul, you know that a soul is eternal and that this soulmate will be there in the next life, when you are no longer of this life and married.

Keep feeding the fantasy and you will hurt your husband and yourself. Probably Other Guy, too. Maybe that is what you have in mind as you post this in public.