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Teresa Hsiao
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Teresa Hsiao is a TV writer based in Los Angeles. She has worked on the shows "American Dad" and "Family Guy". Her parents think she's still in med school, so please, don't tell them.

Entries by Teresa Hsiao

MLB All-Star Game: It's Getting Hot in HAR

(0) Comments | Posted July 14, 2015 | 11:03 AM

It's finally here. The midpoint of the baseball season and thus, the All-Star Game. Where thousands of Americans cheer on men who tuck their pants into their socks. Where the best players in Major League Baseball get the great privilege of having to go to work instead of having a...

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Growing Up Asian

(2) Comments | Posted April 15, 2015 | 5:05 PM

Do you... speeaaaak Eeeengliiish?

-- Pizza Hut waitress, 1990

It was in kindergarten when I first learned I was Asian. Sure, there had always been signs -- I was nearsighted, loved rice and caused an unfortunate tricycle accident at age three -- but I'd always just assumed it was typical...

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The Dick Pic Effect

(0) Comments | Posted April 14, 2015 | 4:26 AM

Let's talk about dick pics. Thanks to John Oliver and Edward Snowden, we all know the National Security Agency could theoretically have an entire server dedicated to dick pics: celebrity dick, heads of state dick, big dicks, little dicks, dicks on dicks on dicks, #moredicksthanduke. We all must acknowledge that...

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You're Invited to My Super Bowl Party!

(3) Comments | Posted January 30, 2015 | 1:47 PM

Friends, I'm excited to have you all over to watch Super Bowl XLIX, featuring THE NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS (!!!) vs. some dumb team from Seattle.

Please note the following rules for the party:

1. You must root for the Patriots. Obviously.

2. There will be no neutral fans...

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Rap Dream

(0) Comments | Posted May 21, 2014 | 3:36 PM

Growing up, I had two life goals. The first was to own a half-dog, half-monkey that I would call a "donkey" (pronounced "dunky"). The second was to become a Grammy award-winning, multi-platinum rap star. Needless to say, I have failed on both accounts, rendering my life, so far, an abject...

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36 Hours in Tinder

(2) Comments | Posted March 19, 2014 | 11:15 AM

You know you've arrived in Tinder when greeted by its most famous landmark: a giant, orange-red flame that could also pass for a bloody teardrop. With a rich history dating back to September 2012, Tinder is a bucolic escape for pleasure-seekers and romantics alike. Some tourists call it a paradise;...

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Understanding Your Writer Friend

(0) Comments | Posted February 11, 2014 | 11:51 AM

I'm trying to explain to my Taiwanese grandparents what I do for a living. "I'm a writer," I keep saying, as I vigorously pantomime typing, since all intergenerational conversations must include charades. My grandparents look confused. "Writer," I try again, this time doing the writing-with-a-pen hand motion, which also resembles...

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I Tried to Write a Book Once

(17) Comments | Posted June 25, 2013 | 8:11 PM

I'm sitting in a coffee shop in Brentwood, with a laptop in front of me, next to a window facing San Vicente Boulevard. I'm trying to write a book. Not sure yet what it'll be about, but it's going to be something deep, profound, voice-of-my-generation-ish, critically admired and vaguely popular...

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What Would Ryan Seacrest Do?

(0) Comments | Posted June 13, 2013 | 7:30 PM

Remember when Jesus died on Good Friday, rose again on Easter Sunday, and then somberly looked into our eyes and said, "I'll be back?" Indeed, Jesus has been a man of his word, frequently rising from the dead to appear in fish sticks and buckets of pizza sauce. But there...

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√-1 Miss Math

(12) Comments | Posted May 1, 2013 | 6:55 AM

Why hello, Math. It's so strange running into you here -- it's been, what, 10 years since our last night together? Remember, I was taking a freshman elective and you were using differential equations to kick my ass? You were all like, "Solve ydx-xdy=0", and I was all like, "Let's...

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A Summer Fling With Wall Street

(8) Comments | Posted January 7, 2013 | 2:29 PM

It's the summer of 2006, and I'm wearing a dark suit and pantyhose, all nervous and fidgety and feigning nonchalance. It's the first time I've worn something from the Misses section at TJ Maxx, and it feels like a personal milestone. Goodbye, Juniors, with your bedazzled T-shirts and embroidered-pocket jeans:...

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An Open Letter to My Facebook Friends

(11) Comments | Posted September 6, 2012 | 6:09 PM

2012-09-04-fingers.jpg

Dear Facebook Friends:

Hi. How is everyone doing?

I'm writing this letter to all of you, my 723 closest, bestest, most wonderful friends in the world. It's true that I don't remember who some of you are, but I'm sure we shared an unmistakable...

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What Harvard's Like

(211) Comments | Posted July 8, 2012 | 9:04 PM

Back in 2003, a college interviewer asked me what my favorite movie was. In any other situation, the answer would've been easy: Miss Congeniality, a story about an undercover cop-turned-beauty queen who saves Miss Rhode Island from exploding onstage as William Shatner serenades the crowd. A true classic, in my...

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How to Tell Your Mom That You're Still Single

(4) Comments | Posted June 13, 2012 | 1:59 PM

Hey, Mom. I know that lately you've been concerned that I don't have a boyfriend. And that I'm seemingly OK with it. And that, therefore, I may never give you grandchildren. And you're right: the mere fact that I'm not married/engaged/in a serious relationship indicates that there is something deeply...

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A White Man's Guide to Dating Asian Girls

(359) Comments | Posted May 31, 2012 | 5:10 PM

Hey, white guys. You probably know by now that having an Asian girlfriend is a rite of passage for all white men. "Date an Asian chick" has become akin to "Go skydiving" or "Live in New York" in the veritable white guy bucket list. Of course, dating an Asian girl...

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