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A White Man's Guide to Dating Asian Girls

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Hey, white guys. You probably know by now that having an Asian girlfriend is a rite of passage for all white men. "Date an Asian chick" has become akin to "Go skydiving" or "Live in New York" in the veritable white guy bucket list. Of course, dating an Asian girl is very different from dating your typical Nancy or Betty. So, in order to snag yourself a Mulan, I present to you a White Man's Guide to Dating Asian Girls.

STEP ONE: Finding an Asian

Asian girls typically hang out at one of three places: the mall, the library, or Pinkberry. When you get there, look around: the best Asian girl to pick up will be the one wearing a hoodie and heels (there is always one). When you approach her, ask for the time. As she takes out her phone to tell you, you should make a nice comment about her phone flair (Asian girls always have some bedazzled jank hanging off our phones, usually a cartoon duck or a jade tiger). And with that, you're in. Asian girls will go on a date with anyone if she can tell a cutesy story about it later: "And then, after he saw my Keroppi keychain, he asked me out at Pinkberry! Pinkberry!"

STEP TWO: The First Date

It doesn't matter where you take an Asian girl on a first date as long as you stick to the following topics of conversation: food, fashion, and making fun of other Asians ("So, your friends just stayed in and did math problems? They are so bad!"). If, by the end of the night, she giggles into her napkin/hand fan, you've got yourself a second date. However, no matter what you do, don't step on the yellow-fever land mine that is acknowledging the Asian fetish. Yes, we all implicitly know what's going on here -- why else did America go to war in two Asian countries last century? -- but don't say it out loud. Us girls all like to pretend that we're your first Far East foray.

STEP THREE: The Relationship
If you get to the point now where you're dating an Asian girl, you better understand where she's coming from. Given our immigrant roots, most Asian girls endure a latent insecurity about everything from our boobs to our patriotism (both things that are just slightly there). So, as her white, Jewish (80% of the time), totally-secure-and-normal boyfriend, you better be prepared for when your girlfriend mistakes "soup or salad" for "super salad." And since Asians have eyes like gravy boats, her crying jags are bound to extend late into the night. Just FYI.

STEP FOUR: Locking it Down

If you've made it this far, then you know all the dirty secrets of dating an Asian girl. You know we hate animals. You know we pretend to love drinking, even though we turn into full-blown red-faced injuns when we do. Oh yeah, and you know we are racists. Your saintly self just goes with it. But if you're going to lock it down and marry your Oriental princess, you must know one final thing: in Chinese wedding traditions, the groom pays for the wedding. (According to my mom, the tradition stems from the groom's family giving the bride's family a cow in exchange for her.) So, if you're going to marry an Asian, get ready to empty your pockets. This is just the beginning.

Of course, because of this, my parents want me to marry a Chinese guy and my brother to marry a white girl. It's just good fiscal policy.