05/01/2013 06:10 am ET Updated Jul 01, 2013

√-1 Miss Math

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Why hello, Math. It's so strange running into you here -- it's been, what, 10 years since our last night together? Remember, I was taking a freshman elective and you were using differential equations to kick my ass? You were all like, "Solve ydx-xdy=0", and I was all like, "Let's just make out," and we curled up on the futon and you said "This feels so good that it should be a sin(x)", and then we laughed and laughed and laughed? Gosh, those were good times.

You used to be so good to me, Math. You taught me to distrust the Spice Girls when they said that 2 could somehow become 1 (Wrong! Simple number theory!). You introduced me to the transitive property so that if Tom Cruise = white guy, and if white guy = James Franco, then Tom Cruise = James Franco (Most likely right!). You also taught me that shouting numbers makes them factorials, so if I asked how many cookies you ate, and you said, "I ate 5!" that would actually mean you ate 120 (Because 5! = 5 x 4 x 3 x 2 x 1, are you still reading?!).

But over time, I don't know what happened. We grew apart. You'd say things like "Remember fractions? Remember trigonometry? Remember logs, and roots, and limits, and e, and the infinite decimal places of pi?" And I would try to remember, but I couldn't. And then that freshman elective ended and you disappeared forever, just like that, leaving me with only fuzzier and fuzzier memories of somebody I used to know (cue Gotye song here, then immediately turn it off because it sucks).

And for all of this, I blame you, Math. You claimed to be useful. You claimed to be a universal language. Yet in all the time that I've known you, I've never had to do long division by hand except when YOU made me. I've never had to recite the quadratic formula for anyone else. And I have yet to see anything remotely shaped like a rhombus (which honestly just seems like a drunk square).

For years, you tricked me into thinking that I needed you. So I learned calculus for you. I bought graph paper for you. I put up with all those excuses for your dear Aunt Sally. Did you know I once spent $100 on a calculator and countless hours more decorating the case (TI-83, what up) -- all for you? But since you've been gone (cue Kelly Clarkson song here, then keep it on because it is awesome), I've realized that I don't need you at all.

(I wish you could tell your side of this whole thing, but like you always said, "If there are two sides to every story and three sides to every triangle, by law, triangles > stories." Thus I suppose this Δ will be your official rebuttal.)

So, I'm saying goodbye forever, Math. It's especially hard for me because I'm Asian -- people expect us to be together! -- but the truth is, I don't know you anymore. And I don't care to know you either. So goodbye, Math. And good riddance.

Oh, and one last thing, can you help me calculate the tip on this bill? My phone is dead.

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