06/13/2013 06:30 pm ET Updated Aug 13, 2013

What Would Ryan Seacrest Do?

Remember when Jesus died on Good Friday, rose again on Easter Sunday, and then somberly looked into our eyes and said, "I'll be back?" Indeed, Jesus has been a man of his word, frequently rising from the dead to appear in fish sticks and buckets of pizza sauce. But there is now overwhelming evidence that JC is back for good, having inhabited a human body right here in Southern California.

In fact, you may have heard of him.

And the modern-day resurrection of Jesus is...

(Wait for it.)

(Wait for it.)

(Commercial break.)

(We're back! Just kidding, another commercial break.)

(Just as you can't take it anymore--)

Yes, Ryan Seacrest is the modern-day resurrection of Jesus (shock, awe, teen screaming, and applause). In case you haven't heard of him, Jesus is the guy with long hair who walks on water. Seacrest is the ubiquitous face of Hollywood, the host of American Idol, E! News, American Top 40, On Air With Ryan Seacrest, Dick Clark's Rockin' Eve (with Ryan Seacrest), and other stuff I'm tired now. He is responsible for Kelly Clarkson, the Kardashians, and the color orange as an appropriate skin tone. He has more Twitter followers than the entire population of Portugal. He is famous for emphasizing linking verbs in speech, because it's not that "You are the next American Idol," but rather "You ARE the next American Idol," triple exclamation marks.

You might be skeptical that Ryan Seacrest is, indeed, Jesus. But there is ample evidence suggesting this to be true. First, "Ryan Seacrest" was born on December 24 in Dunwoody, Georgia... which is seven hours behind Bethlehem. So, while it was the 24th in the ATL, it would've been the 25th in the City of David: the same birthday as Jesus. What up. Second, Seacrest has at least five jobs. Five. Which is a testament (aha!) to his unyielding spirit (aha!) and discipline, which is close to the word "disciple" (aha!). Furthermore, both Jesus and Seacrest had girl issues: Jesus supposedly had a lover in Mary Magdalene; Seacrest supposedly is straight. Where Jesus could turn water into wine, Seacrest once tweeted "Can guys ever drink white wine at a party?" And finally, if all that isn't convincing enough, then just take a look at Jesus' modern-day moniker: if you rearrange the letters to RYAN SEACREST, you get CRY, SATAN SEER. Game, set, match.

It's pretty obvious: Ryan Seacrest is Jesus. So for all you converts out there, now wondering, "What Would Seasus Do?" I imagine that it goes something like this: He wakes up at 4 a.m., preaches the gospel of using Scope on His radio show, goes to an American Idol audition, hugs hundreds of wannabe singers without getting sick, heals a Kardashian's latest plastic surgery catastrophe, takes an Underdog pill around 7 p.m., blows through His E! News gig because who's really watching anyway, calls up Pops, has a discussion with the man upstairs for the umpteenth time about "saving" Amanda Bynes ("Remember her in All That? She was GOOD!"), loses the battle once again, and before you know it, it's 4 a.m. and He's back on-air, telling His radio show producers, "I'll sleep when I'm dead."

Good one, Seasus.

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