THE BLOG
07/29/2014 05:45 pm ET | Updated Sep 27, 2014

Why Women Don't Watch Porn

I recently went on a recommended website to watch some porn in the name of, uh, research. I've never really watched it before and was intrigued after watching Don Jon, a film comparing the male fantasy of porn versus the female fantasy of chick flicks. After my research session, it is now extremely clear to me why a larger female demographic does not watch porn -- and it doesn't have anything to do with sex drive or any of those sexist assumptions. It is purely because porn, in the current state, is terrible! These were the thoughts and concerns I had while watching one episode in a massage salon.

The clip starts off with a worker (what kind of work? No one knows. No tool belt, no paint buckets. Nothing.) coming out of the back room saying that he's done and the masseuse pulls a $100 bill out of her boobs and asks if instead of the $100, she can trade him a massage. Oh, honey, you poor girl. Do you really think you're only worth $100? At the very least, negotiate in a warranty where maybe you can trade a blow job for any follow up work needed! And what kind of business is he running where the paper work just disappears and his boss doesn't ask for the payment? I think that's called tax evasion!

But okay, he accepts. They seductively walk to the back room where there is a shower and a bathtub. I haven't been to that many spas or massages in my life, but I have never been to one with a shower on one side and then a bathtub in the middle of the room. What is this?! They undress and get into the shower. What's most impressive in this scene is that between the shower and the tub and giving this guy a blow job, her hair and face do not get wet. Not even once. Her make-up stays in tack! How?! I have tried many times to be lazy and not wash my hair in the shower and instead, just tie it and wear it up, but somehow, without fail, it always gets wet. This girl has some serious skills. And no, she doesn't accidentally snort water up her nose while going down on him either. Wow, I am impressed. My other question is, shower first, then bathtub? Wouldn't you want to get soapy in the bathtub and then rinse off in the shower? But, I digress.

So, they finally get to the "massage" portion and here comes the most ridiculous part. They get down on... an AIR MATTRESS. I'm sorry, but whaaat? Porn plot aside, I moved into NYC after graduation with no money and was able to buy a brand new mattress for $150 including shipping. You're telling me that this porn production company was not able to put together $150 for a real mattress? Come on. And back to the plot, what massage parlor, no matter how low class, uses an air mattress? And I know you're thinking, "It's porn -- it's not realistic." But the thing is, when they started to get into it, every single thrust resulted in an annoying squeak squeak squeak from the plastic friction. How is anybody supposed to get into sexy mode with that noise going on? After a while, it's like the guy sitting next to you in Starbucks tapping his pen on the table. All you can do is focus on that noise and it takes all of your self-control to not lunge at him and break his pencil in half or in this case, I wanted to jump into the scene and pop that air mattress!

Back to the plot, the girl is giving a full-body massage, as in she is using her full body to massage a rather minimal portion of his body. That doesn't seem very efficient. And while she is running her whole body along his back, she makes a confused face and says, "Well, that wasn't supposed to happen." Oops, a penis fell into her vagina, but hey, that's normal and let's just keep going. I wish for education's sake and for setting slightly more realistic expectations for both men and women and just for everybody's general safety that they would use condoms in porn. I mean, does she know this "worker?" Does he trust this "masseuse" who might sleep with every guy in exchange for $100 worth of labor? How is it that neither of them is worried about STDs?

How does this story end? I'm honestly not sure because I got so bored that I kept trying to fast forward and then was not patient enough to wait for the 10-second buffering time, but considering it's porn, I can pretty much tell you that it ended up with them coming at the same time (and again, leading men to believe that women can come on their schedule vaginally because, sure, that's realistic) and her moaning in satisfaction in a very fake high pitched voice.

So, dear porn industry, I can tell you now that that turns on no woman (although it gave me many giggles) and considering how saturated the current industry is now, there is a HUGE opportunity to capture the other half of the population, aka women. This is what the ideal porn would be like for me (and I assume a large proportion of the female audience.)

The scene can start in any scenario, but not something cheesy like a massage parlor; it has to be slightly realistic. Let's just say they meet at a friend of a friend's party. The very tall, dark, and handsome man walks in wearing a perfectly tailored suit and crisp white shirt with a stiff collar. He works some white collar job -- maybe an investment banker, possibly a lawyer, but not a sleazy "he's going to Hell" type that just steals money from people, but maybe an environmental lawyer or human rights lawyer who is doing good in the world. He relays all this information to the woman while he smoothly gets hers another drink, but without being a show-off. Some chit chat happens and they end up at his apartment, which has an amazing view of the city skyline, of course.

He puts on some music and they dance a little bit and he loses his perfectly wrinkle-free suit jacket and rolls up his white shirt sleeves to subtly show off his biceps. Okay, at this point you're rolling your eyes saying that girls want romance, not sex. But here's the thing, WE DO. Or at least in the porn and sex version, foreplay. We need to be warmed up and not just do the, in a very crass way of putting it, "hump and dump." I feel for most woman out there, a good 20 minutes of foreplay is the very least we need before anything even enters us, which is where the porn industry, and pretty much all men, are getting it wrong. The majority of the clips I found online were just that, clips that lasted anywhere from 5 to 25 minutes, with only a few going over the half hour mark. How am I supposed to get in the mood and be comfortable with foreign specimen entering me in under ten minutes?

What I really want is a guy to tell me that he wants to hold me for a little bit because he understands that I'm bloated from that lovely dinner he just treated me to and knows that I am conscious of my food baby stomach after eating a three-course meal because of course I polished off my whole plate of chocolate cake, and if he was a gentleman, a bite, or half, of his dessert as well. And so he understands that I just want to cuddle for now and even when we have sex later, I don't want his hands running over my self-conscious tummy and would prefer positions where he can't even see it because that's what I need to feel sexy and for my pleasure. Thanks.

I'll be the first to admit, no one will ever produce porn like this, but as I watched the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer this week, I had to wonder, "Why can't we produce porn that's more in line with this?" Not the BDSM aspect, but with some quality and actually good looking people? I clicked on a clip for fetishes with stockings and the girl was in a poofy costume looking longingly out the window while leaning on a piano with cheesy music playing in the background. I understand that La Perla or Agent Provocateur may be a bit out of a porn film's budget, but even $30 lingerie from Victoria's Secret would have looked better than that. At one point, I was distracted when the girl was touching herself because of her fake acrylic nails. Who still even gets acrylic French manicures? It's called shellac gel, honey. Get on that - your nails looks as cheap as you are. Considering I ended up getting a great ab workout laughing from my little "research session," I'll just have to hope for a Magic Mike and Fifty Shades of Grey crossover coming sometime in the near future. Until then, I don't think I can ever get a massage again for fear of getting a fit of giggles in the middle.

(On a different note, I forgot to go on an incognito window to access this website and now I keep getting penis enlargement spam emails. Are these two incidents related? Oops, rookie mistake.)