"Desitin in my cuticles" is not the first line of a poignant country song, but I keep thinking it should be.
No. Desitin in my cuticles is what concerns me when I'm asked the question I get at least once a day: "Are you having another one?"
Really, this should not be an annoying question.
It's a perfectly normal way for you to take an interest in my family and in me, and I don't mind it. In fact, I mind people who mind it. Moms of babies or toddlers who get twisted when asked if they plan on having another are like the women who wore "Touch the Bump, Get a Thump" t-shirts when they were pregnant. A human growing inside your stomach is compelling, and no t-shirt is going to change that. Similarly, when strangers or relatives see your baby hitting milestones, getting out of the crib and diapers, it is totally normal to ask if you will do this whole thing again.
What they are really asking--and the reason why this is a tough question to answer is, "Does this whole kid thing ruin your life, or did it work for you?" For me, both things are true.
I mean this with tremendous love and no regret; my life, as I knew it, is over. There will always be a part of me worrying about my child, whether he's at daycare or camp or college or on his honeymoon. So, I feel vulnerable in a way I never was before. It's terrifying, all this love and these high stakes. But, ruined is too strong a word, especially for something that can be so euphoric.
On that front, having another kid is sort of neutral because I am already in the game. How much harder can it be? Probably a lot. When I look at the infant toys now collecting cobwebs in the garage, a part of me never wants to go back. Just eye-balling that stupid, red baby play mat with cheap plastic mirrors and crinkly fabric birds and recalling "tummy time" or the washing of various breast pump parts makes me want to donate every single baby thing I own to the Salvation Army and say "Night, night" to ever reproducing again.
It's an inexplicable thrill ride to watch my two year-old suddenly string a sentence together or count to ten (even if he does throw in "three" where it doesn't belong). At the same time, there's a part of me that exhales when certain stages are over. When he gave up the pacifier, I thought, "Thank you. Thank you. No more scrambling for fallen pacifiers to wash. No more stuffing them in my glove compartment. No more." And a whisper in my head added, "Unless you have another one." Which explains the jar of pacifiers in a cupboard somewhere. I'm in baby purgatory, with a jar of pacifiers in one hand and a birth control pill in the other.
Most couples I see with two young children look pretty miserable. Or maybe I'm just seeing that because I'm scared. A big part of me wants to do it again, this time knowing how to take a temperature rectally and how to swaddle and not being so terrified and just taking in the joyful parts. Part of me wants a do-over, a second chance to live the peak moment of having a new baby, only without all the paranoia, the inexperience.
Each night, when I put on my toddler's pajamas and diaper, I cover his little bum with Desitin and there it is, the white paste that clings to your cuticles with the adhesive power of ten thousand barnacles. I can attack it with a towel, or go at it with a wet wipe, but that stuff is powerfully sticky. And I wonder if I'll miss it.
Follow Teresa Strasser on Twitter: www.twitter.com/teresastrasser
I think all this self analysing can be a bit OTT - get on with it, be a mom, do your writing and look at the positives. I had to go through 6 pregnancies (and I hate being pregnant) but I don't dwell on it, and after the first one (which was hell) I was just as determined to get pregnant again. Why? because I love kids and pregnancy is only 9 mths, it's not forever. Neither is babyhood - enjoy it don't regret it.
Yes, in MY opinion, it would be awful to be an only child, the single children I have known have thought it was lonely. It might be fine for some - but then they will never know what it's like to have siblings, so they might find they prefer it. That's just my Opinion - I didn't say it was fact.
For some being pregnant and having babies is great even though it has its ups and downs. For others they could care less to even think of doing it again and again and again, they are one and done and it works for them and their family. It isn't a regret but a reality of their life.
And my husband was an only child and he didn't mind. He can't imagine being like me, I am the oldest of 6. I agree, think before you speak.
Pretty much the only way that it isn't harder, is the fact that they will 'sometimes' occupy themselves with each other, which provides about 5-10 minutes of breathing room, so that the dishes can be put up, or the floor can be swept, or so breakfast can be made. But, other than that, it's pretty much doubly hard when one has two children vs. one. Am I glad I had the second one? Yes I am.
As a stay at home dad, and college student, It really does take a toll on me emotionally, physically, and mentally. It is a lot more difficult than any job that I have ever worked at - there is no comparison.
I try to hold on to what I deem to be 'me' but this has been in vain for the most part. I am no longer me, I am my children's father, their care-giver. I am pretty much their everything. Does it make me feel good knowing that someone relies on me as much as they do? Absolutely. Is it scary that they rely on me that much? Yep.
As far as people asking if we're going to have another one, our answer is always quick, direct, and absolute - NO! :)
As for the questions, people look at me when I say that I recently have an IUD put in so I won't be having another one for at least 5 years. They think I should have one within the next year so that my daughter will have a play mate. When they ask I just say that I want to enjoy this little one until she has her own life, aka kindergarten. Then we will think of another one.
Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and I am loving all her little quirks but I am not enjoying how it completely consumed my old life. The person I was is a distant memory, now I am mom, wife, and then woman. I need to get used to this new identity before it is demolished again so I can rebuild my life around a new addition.
Desitin is good and if it doesn't work, try vaseline, it doesn't smell fishy and doesn't leave whites stains that are hard to remove from your clothes.
The relationship I have with my kids has enriched me beyond measure. My capacity to love was not known to me until I had them. I am better, wiser, stronger, and more tired than I have been at any other time of my life...happily so! Thank you for your article.