Labor Day ought to include celebrating every woman who has survived having a baby. In fact, I see flags of every nation flying for all women who've gone into labor, because it really hurts like hell.
The first time I went into labor, we were watching some western on television. "Honey," I said to my husband as I doubled over with the fifth contraction. "I think this baby is coming."
"Oh," he said, watching the cowboys murder the Indians, "that's nice."
The contraction happened again and I thought the pain could not get worse than that. Of course I was so wrong. "No, I mean, honey, we have to go to the hospital now."
He finally came out of his western world and looked at me. "Feel this," I said, writhing as the contraction hit and my abdomen went rock hard. "That is a contraction, and baby, it hurts. We. Need. To. Go. To. The Hospital. Now."
"Oh," he said, in his wildly passionate, romantic way. Eat your heart out, Ricky Ricardo.
He then went to the closet and proceeded to look through his ties. His ties! "What would the well-dressed father wear to the waiting room?" he asked me. I was in too much pain to throw the lamp at him.
When we finally got to the hospital, they showed us into a Labor Room. I climbed into my hospital gown and the nurse checked me out. I informed her in the nicest possible voice I could muster, "I AM NOT HAVING THIS BABY NATURALLY. BRING ON THE DEMEROL. BRING ON THE EPIDURAL AND THE SPINAL AND WHY NOT A GENERAL ANESTHETIC? DON'T JUST STAND THERE, WOMAN!"
"There's no need to shout," she smiled at me, patting my swollen abdomen.
"OH YEAH THERE IS," I gasped.
She left the room, saying she'd have the doctor come in. My husband took a chair near the door. His eyes were wide with shock. I think he finally realized that this was it, our baby was coming, and it hurt me like hell, and not him. I think there is a reason Labor Rooms are pretty empty of possible weapons for wives to use.
The doctor came in. He was a distinguished fellow with gray hair. "How's your pain? he said pleasantly, like How was your bridge game?
"Excruciating, " I told him. "HOW'S YOURS?"
During labor, I think we women see men for what they are. Useless, helpless chickens.
"Let me go get you something to ease it," he said.
"WHAT A GOOD IDEA," I was now screaming.
He came back in the room with the nurse, who was holding a needle and syringe. Why weren't they running? They seemed to be walking through syrup.
Just then they looked at my husband, whose face had turned completely white. "Mr. Dougan? Are you okay?" the nurse asked. They both turned toward my husband.
"HE IS FINE. JUST FINE. HE IS NOT THE ONE IN LABOR. I AM OVER HERE!" I pointed out to them. But they had him by the elbows and were ushering him from the room. "Here, lie down on this gurney for awhile until you feel better."
He said later that he was going to pass out from watching me in so much pain. I personally think he wanted them to notice his new tie. Either way, I was left on my own gurney while my husband was being attended to by the Labor staff.
Fourteen hours of fun later, our daughter Katy came into the world. It had been no picnic for her, either. But proud father showed her all around to the family in the hall.
"Isn't this wonderful?" he asked as his father handed him a cigar. "Just wonderful. Nothing to it."
For every woman who knows what labor is, Happy Labor Day.
Imagine the hurt of the mother who delivers stillborn, or the hurt of the mother who does not survive having a baby.
If you're trying to be funny, it would help to not crudely insult millions of mothers in the process.
That is never my intention when I post a piece.
We have enough pain in this world. I only seek to entertain and bring a laugh now and then.
Sorry again that with you I failed.
For a whole bunch of reasons I won't list here, another pregnancy/child wasn't for us. Nonetheless, I actually wish I could give birth again, and hold and nurse another baby. It was perhaps the most truly satisfying thing I've ever done. (Partly because of the challenge -- I don't mean that it was easy.)
I was clearly lucky to have a husband who couldn't have been more different than the caricature in this article, either. I get the humor, but my experience was SO opposite...
I appreciate the pun for "Labor Day"! :)
You made my day.
Ever seen Bill Cosby's routine on "natural childbirth" ("The mother gets no drugs... the father can have all he wants")? Sounds like it would be right up your alley. He quotes Carol Burnett's description of childbirth: "Like pulling your lower lip over your head."
Or this line written for Barbra Streisand as Fanny Brice in "Funny Lady:" "It was like pushing a piano through a transom."
The way I hear it, my older brother's birth was a big deal. The way I also hear it, when it was my turn, my father drove my mother the half-mile to the hospital, dropped her off, then returned home to finish watching the football game.
Thanks for an enjoyable read.
My labor with my older daughter went fast enough that my husband the veteran firefighter totally spazzed out and called the ambulance. That was NOT what I wanted, because I had just completed EMT training with the same rescue squad (yes, I knew the medic!)! Professional dignity-pfft! At one point, the medic asked me what my pain level was on a scale of 1 (minor annoyance) to 10 ("shoot me now!"). I grabbed him by the front of his shirt and told him "If I had any military secrets, I'd talk!" Then after he and the ambulance driver get me on the stretcher, he says he's going to give me an IV. BIG mistake. I don't remember what I said due to a contraction, but my husband swears I told that medic, "If you come near me with that IV needle, I'm going to CATHETERIZE you with it!" Either way, I won the argument. I just hope the poor medic has his hearing back.
My younger daughter arrived in a more orderly fashion, but back labor was NOT fun. When I got the survey form from the hospital afterwards rating my experience, I had a suggestion for them and the new hospital that was under construction that I wrote capitalized: PUT JACUZZI TUBS IN THE NEW BIRTHING CENTER!
Unfortunately, they ignored that one.
I did see your additional post as well, which I caught from the "comments activity" link; I have no idea why it hasn't shown here on the page.
Thanks for the laughs from both.
P.S.: If there were more women as either obstetricians or hospital administrators, I wonder if those Jacuzzis wouldn't come to pass.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pt6XB1JXhQw
He then said, and repeated for years, "The next one comes from Sears."
Not all men are humorless on the subject of labor pain!
Four times.
I NEVER worked so hard in my life or suffered as much pain with anything else.
Thanks for being remembered and for the flowers.
Then she turned to me with a big grin and said, "Lucky, wasn't I?", giggled, and made a delightful face like a little kid who'd gotten away with something.
:-)
"Natural childbirth" is preferred nowadays, but in those days, if a woman went to the hospital to give birth, being drugged was one of the benefits.
article ... http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=6120045&page=1
video ... http://abcnews.go.com/2020/video?id=6569030
With that attitude I hope your husband found someone else who respects him.
And trust me, women have no corner on the pain and suffering dept. Ask any man who served in combat or who has suffered catastrofic trauma which is pain that can last 'til death not for a few hours.