Did you know that some people suffer from a clinical phobia of joy?
Unlikely as it sounds, it's true -- some people actually FEAR joy. It's called "hedonophobia," derived from the Greek "hedone" (pleasure, delight) and "phobias" (fear).
But you do not have to suffer from this phobia to have a complicated relationship with joy or pleasure. In my clinical therapy practice, many clients are more comfortable being in a state of dissatisfaction than joy. There is a whole host of factors that influence how you prioritize joy and whether or not you actively pursue it. Your childhood family system and culture will provide the most information about your current relationship to joy (as it does for love and romantic relationships).
My husband Victor is a good example. He is a first-generation-American eldest son of two immigrant World War II survivors. He is also a "recovering Catholic" (as he likes to say). He has spent a lifetime negotiating his very complicated relationship with joy and pleasure, which was developed by his upbringing and his parents' traumas.
The Catholicism that Vic was first exposed to was of the old-school, pre-Vatican II kind -- emphasizing sin, suffering, hell, damnation, and taking a dim view of joy and pleasure. Some sort of punishment was always waiting around the corner if you had some fun. Institutionalized and ingrained guilt was also ever-present. Vic's mother Francis was a German who, along with members of her family, survived the post-WWII Soviet concentration camp system. The secondary trauma Victor experienced as a child from listening to her relive her horrific camp experiences factored significantly in his conflict around embracing joy and pursuing pleasure.
Your unique life story is the foundation for how you experience the world. Your own downloaded blueprint from childhood holds many of the answers to how you regard joy today.
If you want to be a fearless joy-seeker and allow contentment to be the rule rather than the exception, answering these questions is a good place to start:
- How did your family regard the pursuit of joy or pleasure?
- Was there value placed on what you enjoyed?
- Was joy or pleasure-seeking encouraged or discouraged?
- Did your family often laugh together?
- What events or experiences were celebrated with joy?
- Did your parents or caregivers enjoy their lives?
- What was the emotional atmosphere in your home?
- Was your home an open system, where friends were welcome?
- Was your home a closed system, only for immediate family?
Your answers should provide you with a snapshot of how your pleasure paradigm was partially formed. This information will not magically bring more joy into your life, but all information is power. Now that you have connected some of the dots backward to the original joy setpoint, you can choose to change your mind if you are not satisfied with the level of joy in your life.
Ideas To Fearlessly Increase Joy
List It: Make a comprehensive list of everything that brings you joy. Include big and small pleasures (e.g., swing on a swing, eat an ice cream cone, read something silly and lighthearted) and a few you have yet to experience but would like to try (skydiving, anyone?). Leave this list where you can see it daily as a reminder to prioritize being fearlessly joyful! For seven days in a row, can you commit to doing one thing a day on your JOY to-do list?
Pause It: Give yourself a daily time-out to intentionally cultivate more pleasure in your life. Take an extra 10 minutes in the morning to calibrate your day, creating expansion and space. It can be sitting in silence with a cup of tea, or a full-out meditation to set your intention for the day. Visualize everything falling into place with ease and grace... with a smile on your face.
Acknowledge It: As part of your morning ritual, list a few things you are grateful for in the present moment. Think of the people who love you or how well you slept and feel gratitude for all of your blessings, big and small. Consciously being grateful for what brings you joy will energetically bring you more situations and relationships to elevate your joy quotient.
Allow It: We are the culprits who limit the joy in our lives by not allowing it to flow or by choosing to focus on what we don't have. We all have a list of "should dos" a mile long, but most of those will not increase joy. Yes, we have to fulfill our commitments, but if an opportunity arises for you to do something different and fun, even if you should do your laundry, say YES. (The laundry is not going anywhere.) Start saying "yes" to the joy-filled life you seek and start saying "no" to the people and situations that deplete you of joy.
If you do not suffer from "hedonophobia," then you have no excuse not to put some of these ideas into practice to start rocking your fearlessly joy-filled life, STAT!
As always, I am here to cheer you on or answer any questions you may have. So drop a comment and let me know your thoughts.
Love Love Love,
For more by Terri Cole, click here.
For more on becoming fearless, click here.