If you're dating and dating and you hate it and wish you could just get married already, well, maybe you should do that. Exactly that: Get married NOW, and date that person later.
I got this nutty idea from Hellen Chen, "matchmaker of the century." She thinks dating for years on end is a big mistake. And she may be right on the money.
There's no security in dating; she's right about that. Though I'll also add that there's no security in anything, really—not marriage, not employment. But dating is the very definition of "I'm not sure about you but am finding out." What you need to be truly happy and free, says Chen, is a spouse (I'm not 100% on board with this, by the by, but you're the one who wants to get married). When you have someone and something to come home to, she says, you can experience freedom like you've never had. In her world, the barrier that separates two single people poses the problem; if you get rid of that and get married, problem solved.
The Case For Settling
Her message is clear: Stop nitpicking every date to death and finding reasons not to commit. Stop wasting years and years in relationship limbo, knowing the writing's on the wall. Stop this nonsense and get married already.
It's not too far off from what Lori Gottlieb told us years ago in Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough—when she warned us we'd regret the day we let that nice guy with the receding hairline get snapped up by the woman willing to overlook male pattern baldness. The risk being, of course, that if you find something wrong with everyone, you'll end up past your prime with fewer prospects and fewer men to choose from.
I'm not a fan of this argument, due to its scarcity-minded approach, but there is some truth to it, especially as the biological window closes. Regardless, she made her point, and perhaps humbled more than a few women into solid marriages they might have missed. (Did Gottlieb herself ever settle? Word on the street, says Melanie Notkin in her book Otherhood, is that she hasn't.)
Marriage Requires Compromise
Fact is, anyone who wants a specific thing must make some compromises to get it—be it a Manhattan apartment or a spouse. If you want marriage, and to be married, you can have that, provided you're willing to do away with the impossible standards and pages-long dealbreaker list for Mr. Perfect.
In other words, if what you want above all is marriage, you must be willing to commit first and love second. After all, it's only (fairly) recently that we demanded the whole package: true love, intellectual match, best friend forever. As Stephanie Coontz taught us in Marriage: A History, for most of recorded history, love was considered a pretty fickle reason to get married, and not enough reason to stay—which may be why today, with so many marrying for love alone, so many leave in droves.
DIY Arranged Marriage
You know where this is going, right? About 55 percent of the world's marriages are arranged—90 percent of which happen in India. The divorce rate, as you know, is roughly 50 percent in this country.
Guess how many divorces result from arranged marriages? Four percent.
That's not because people are happier elsewhere, or don't suffer the same emotions or experiences that all couples go through. They do go in, however, with different expectations. They go in knowing they will make the best of it, and in many cases over the course of history, the bond forms overtime, and love happens—not in all cases, certainly, but a lot more than you realize.
Do the countries where arranged marriages happen have a history of being oppressive towards women? Yes. Do I like the idea of women not being able to choose? Of course not. But you can choose. You just...aren't.
You're Not Willing to Work For It
You, like all of us, fell under this spell from a young age that you should just be able to have some magical, everlasting love. That it's your God-given right, and it "should" happen.
But let me ask you: Where else in your life would you expect something like that? You don't assume you just "deserve" a CEO position if you've never held another office job, and wait around for someone to hand it to you, right? But that's what women (and lots of men) do when it comes to relationships. Fact is, if you want to be employed, you find a job that's available and you make it work so that you can have the lifestyle you want.
Now I realize corporate hierarchy is a limping analogy. But, in essence, you do want the job. And if you want to be married and have a married life, then you have to start with what's available and commit to making your life what you want it to be.
Though I've never felt the compulsion to get married in the traditional sense, I'll admit, the idea of dating the person you marry is appealing. It's enough to make me wonder if we waste all the good stuff while we're dating and then bore ourselves to tears after vows are exchanged.
Chen may be onto something: Imagine if the good stuff wasn't the appetizer, but the main meal. Think of how differently your romantic life would be if you could enjoy all the sexy fun of dating without wondering "where this is going"— because you're already there.
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