THE BLOG

Stoner Zodiac

04/17/2015 04:54 pm ET | Updated Jun 16, 2015

In celebration of 4/20, the marijuana holiday, we take a different view of astrology.

Even those who scoff at it, can rarely resist reading astrology columns to meet their inner selves; get life advice; see hints about the future. The stars, say believers, tell us who we are. Stoner Astrology tells us who we are in our cannabis state of mind.

ARIES - The Mars influence has made you an adventuresome cannabis veteran. Willful and impulsive, you have smoked it all! Your lungs are adorned with weed residue from a thousand continents. So nothing surprises you any more. You are a fearless leader who believes passionately in predestination. That's gutsy. But still, the stars recommend looking both ways when crossing the 405 Freeway.

TAURUS - You are not only a Bull, you are also a Cuddly Bear. Venus is your planet, so you are sensual, security-minded and open to pleasure. You morph into The Grinner after a few hits. You'd rather snuggle than gore someone. That is, unless they provoke you; then all bets are off. Let's hope that this month's forthcoming transition will be crisis-free, so you can keep your horns to themselves.

GEMINI - Both of your Inner Twins are sparkly, mercurial wits; chatty and sociable. The current cosmic Lip/Joint Conjunction favors cheery outcomes in all endeavors. Note: Watch the moon closely, but keep an eye on your wallet. Not everyone is as nice as you are. Your nirvana may vary.

CANCER - You are the Experimenter, eagerly comparing vintages, blends, varietals. Remember that amazing Paraguayan Plaid at Bix's beach party? Almost as good as Janine's Tierra del Fuego Spring Sensemilla. Now, THAT was fine weed! But now the stars are warning you about Louie "The Chin." He may be cutting his product with Cinnabon.

LEO - Roar on. You are bold and exhibitionist, rolling lion-sized blunts like small billy-clubs. Unafraid to spark up with a cigarette lighter, or even from the stovetop, your fantasy is to light one directly from the Olympic Torch on opening day. You have a long wait, Leo. Meanwhile, avoid flammable garments, and tie your hair back.

VIRGO - The List Maker, the Connoisseur. You: "An interesting little cannabis. Undertones of a mild Indica - I'd say Lower Kush Valley, interlaced with nuggets of Norwegian Tundra Blue and trace elements of - wait a second - is that Samoan Slammo?" Everyone else: "Shut up and pass it around." Take their advice.

LIBRA - The Open Minded, the balanced one. Maybe this is healthy. Medically sound. Well, with some contra-indications. Yet, nobody ever overdosed on cannabis. But it may be a gateway to trouble. Still, violent crime is never associated with marijuana. Nevertheless, it can impair driving and judgment. Bottom line: let's have some. The stars are saying: "Have seconds!"

SCORPIO - You are deviously romantic. Your heroic self-mastery allows you to postpone sexual gratification indefinitely - if you can only find some reason to do so. On second thought, why bother? The stars say "Heady times await," with no further explanation. During this moon cycle, try to keep your vengeful side in check. It may prove counterproductive to bread your ex's frozen Fish Sticks with sativa crumbs.

SAGITTARIUS - The Sceptic. OK, so at first you don't inhale. Then you do. Then again. And again. But still you feel edgy. Then panicky. Is that a squad car in your dining room? Are those DEA sniffer hounds scampering across the carpet? No, that is not a giant handcuff you see before you. It's your own roach clip. Use it joyfully.

CAPRICORN - Goatlike; you can be stubborn, but you are always practical. You know precisely which end of the doobie to point away from your face, and how to maintain the proper balance of product, papers and matches. Although, like your astronomical animal, you ingest a wide range of weed, be aware that those buds you just acquired are, in fact, broccoli.

AQUARIUS - Variously called The Bong Bearer or The Vaporizer, you are capable of inhaling with one lung at a time. But right now Epsilon Eridani is in retrograde, so exhale before inhaling. And don't make too much of the fact that your sign is "ruled by Uranus." Just stress the first syllable and there will be no snickering. Money is coming your way, but your arms aren't quite long enough to reach it. Bummer.

PISCES - Quiet oceanic wisdom guides everything you do. That is why you buy low; stay high; keep under the SONAR; and know when to wiggle tantalyzingly away in an explosion of bubbles. You can be evasive and cautious. Beware of seaweed and kelp drifting into your mixture. And next Wednesday might be a good time to evade a certain someone who wants to mooch off your stash.

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