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The Five Worst People at Your Internship

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Any internship promises to be filled with people straight out of the Mos Eisley Cantina, scum and villainy abound. There's standard creep shows -- Captain Look Down Your Shirt and Miss I'm So Alone -- but there's rarer breeds, too. Here, we examine them. For the love of God, don't be these people.

Ms. Open Mouth Chewer: Perhaps it's too harsh to judge someone on one trait, but this is way beyond disgusting. Who let her pass kindergarten without learning basic table manners? Walking into the office at 9 a.m. -- a time that is still too early for the body to function, one is greeted with the chompasaurus sitting in the cubicle across the aisle. She sits perched in her chair calmly smacking her food as if amplifying the functions of salivary amylase is the most natural thing for a human to do. It's not. It's repulsive, it's bad manners, and it's a bad enough personality trait that employers will have it cemented in their brains as if it were "Call Me Maybe."

Mr. Verbose: Look, it's nice hearing about a co-worker's life, but in all honesty, what he did with his preppy fiancé's mother at that adorable little place on 31st St. this past weekend is firmly cemented in the "I REALLY Don't Give a Damn" category of things most don't give a damn about. If asked the question, "How was your weekend?" answer in 15 seconds. Be quick, be firm, and be direct. Save the brunch story for actual friends, thanks.

Ms. I Don't Get Sarcasm: Verbal irony is how the vast majority of those who speak English blow off steam. It's the most beautiful aspect of language. Those who use it best are like biting, witty gods. Some may think sarcasm is a universal trait, but good Lord are they sorely mistaken. If you're the buzz kill intern that misses every quip, every biting remark about how Becky's cat pattern dress is so gauche, you will be loathed.

Mr. Vegan-Only: Some office higher-ups are kind enough to occasionally purchase lunch for their interns. They do not have to do this, at all. If someone offers you food, you eat it. Swallow your pride and deal with non-organic, non-soy milk. Seriously, if you have to be so adamant and in-your-face about your hippie lifestyle, pack your own damn lunch and allow me to eat this outstanding catered lunch in peace.

Mr. and Ms. I Don't Drink Ever: These interns might be the worst of all. Much like Mr. Vegan-Only, these interns routinely refuse beverages that the company has graciously purchased them. Business people do not bargain-hunt on their choice of drinks, and they encourage interns to partake in the expensive imbibing. This basically makes it rude to not drink, if you're of age, of course. At least allow them to buy a light beer for you to sip. It's time we learn to be grown-ups, get off our high horses, and learn to let loose after a yuppie workday.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go sip my coffee and continue working on whatever it is I am doing here. Now go out in the real world -- or your presumed cubicle reality and try your hardest not to annoy the rest of the world -- or just the office.